How I know That T will be an Amazing Father

The day before Easter T went out and bought everything we'd need to dye Easter eggs. Unfortunately, when it came to the eggs themselves, he picked out brown ones. The boys couldn't have cared less, as this was the first time they'd ever dyed eggs, and they didn't know what they should look like.

The had a great time dunking, and re dunking the eggs into the various color dyes, and exclaiming how beautiful they were. Meanwhile, T kept muttering, "Why did I buy brown eggs?"

Saturday night T and I went out on a date. On the way home T pulled into the grocery store and told me to wait in the car. He was back in a flash with a mischievous look, and a bag full of white eggs. Yep, you guessed it, we were going to dye new eggs.

And so it was, at midnight, Easter eve (is that a term?) T and I were sitting at the dining room table dying eggs. All because T wanted them to wake up to bright colorful eggs that they would think they dyed.

That's T.

-b

first batch

2nd batch

egg hunting

Brooklyn, a year later

We brought her home a year ago, yesterday.
This was her today.

-b

Breakfast In Bed

My boys
(all 3 of them)
surprised me this morning
with a delicious
(but slightly cold)
breakfast in bed
I am so lucky

-b

Yours, Mine, Ours, & His?

T spent the day at home today while I was at work. he decided to use his day off to clean/organize the kitchen. When I got home I was pleased to see the results of his labor. The kitchen was rearranged in ways that made sense, the clutter was gone, the counters shined.

"You know what I noticed as I was cleaning?" T asked me while we sipping our after work cappuccinos.

"What?" I innocently replied.

"Joe is everywhere."

"Hmm?"

"Joe is everywhere."

"What do you mean? Give me examples."

T then pointed out at least 15 places in my kitchen that represented Joe. He was in a photograph with his arm around me, on the refrigerator. He was the giant ash tray from Cuba sitting on the window sill. He was the empty beer cans that were sitting in the cabinet over the stove. (Yes, Joe's empties.) He was the trinkets on the other windowsill. He was the cigar boxes that are being used to hold matches. I could go on, but you get the point.

T told me that he's fine having Joe around, he understands that he was/is a big part of my life, and the father of the the boys. But having him everywhere is a bit weird.

I finished drinking my cappuccino, loaded up a basket of laundry, to bring down to the basement. Before I headed to the stairs I loaded up a bit of Joe. I won't pack up all of Joe. T wouldn't want me to, nor would I feel comfortable doing so. But I want T to feel like my home is his home. And three's a crowd. So the picture, the ash tray, and the humidification unit are now resting downstairs in the basement. It's time for Joe to find a new place in our home.

-b

It's official

T is moving in at the end of June

OMG!

-b

Passover

Monday night marks the start of Passover
It's a bittersweet holiday for me.

It was the last time my whole family was together
and we had a great time.

Jacob was 9 months old, and sat with us at the table. I was so proud of him eating his matzoh balls all by himself.

My sister and I were both pregnant, and we have a picture taken of our husbands with pillows under their shirts, and my sister and I holding them from behind. We were all laughing so hard, Joe's face was beet red. It was one of those moments so silly, that you really had to be there to appreciate it.

None of us knew that it would be our last gathering, the last time my family would see Joe conscious. That 3 weeks later, he would be dead. And I'm glad none of us knew. There was no sadness that night, no good-bye's, no tears. Just laughter, and games, and food, and family.

Happy Passover. May you enjoy time spent with your family, and feel pure joy of their presence.

love,
b

Is there a current show funnier than The Office?

I think not.

-b

p.s. guess who's sick now? Yep, good old me.

Poor Joshie

He's sick
worse than Jacob was last week
He puked all over the doctor's office floor
bad mommy that I am was totally unprepared
no extra clothes
so we both sat there
covered in puke
as cleaners tried to wet vac the cantaloupe pieces
from the waiting room rug

not one of our finer moments

-b

on a positive note, Josh has completely potty trained himself. No diapers for 5 days now!

Space

I love having T here
I really and truly do
I can't wait for him to move in

but

I have grown to like my space
Not all the time
but a few nights a week
I like to be alone

I don't like to talk on the phone
or chat on AIM
or even snuggle on the couch

I just want to be alone

Anyone else feel this way?

-b

Ready to Laugh?

Remember my post a few posts down, wondering who my stalker reader from Medford, MA is? I figured out who it is. Ready?

My stalker reader is.......me. Yep, me. Damn sitemeter. I should never have started looking at it again.

-b

Reason # Gazillion That T Is Great

I got home from an appointment today around 6:00. T had made the boys a delicious dinner that Joshua immediately began eating. Jacob however, said that he was too tired to eat, and that he wanted to go to bed. We reminded him that if he didn't eat dinner, he wouldn't get dessert, and he said he didn't care. It's always a red flag when Jacob doesn't want dessert.

Jacob then complained that his head hurt, and asked if he could please go to bed. I took him upstairs, and he didn't even want to change into pajamas. He went right to sleep. I came downstairs and found Joshua done with his dinner, and asking if he could go to sleep.

So at 6:10, we had both boys asleep! I went ahead and made us dinner, and we sat down to eat. Suddenly we heard some crying. T said he would go investigate. He called me within a few minutes. Poor Jacob had thrown up everywhere! T cleaned Jacob off, then stripped and changed the sheets while I got Jacob changed.

We tucked Jacob back into bed, and I told T that I'd better call in sick for work tomorrow. He responded, "Why? I have tomorrow off!"
"You really want to spend your day off with my sick kid?" I said looking at him in disbelief.
"Yes," was his reply.

He's the best. Really and truly. I am incredibly lucky. To not have to worry about taking off yet another day from school is huge. Plus, he's willing to hang out all day with a pukey kid. Now I need to go get the puke smelling clothes off my body. Night!

-b

Bear With Me

I' m tired
so tired
just want a break
from everything
even one day
no whining
no fighting
no one to annoy me
no standardized tests
no crying students
no more of Joe's dad's crap
to be taken care of
no cleaning
no laundry
no dog
no bills
no broken appliances
no cracked windshields
no pressure
no responsibility
I'm so freaking
tired

-b

Who Are You?

Here's what I know:

You live near Medford, MA. You recently discovered this blog. You have read for hours today, and looked through many previous posts. Come clean now, who are you?

-b

Why

Why must I doubt
that my life
can be good

Why can't I just
feel secure
with my relationships

Why can't I feel
like I deserve
to be loved

Why do I insist
on screwing
things up

Why?

-b

Reflections

Jennifer asked me to look back at my medium post from last year, and reflect upon it. Interestingly enough, I had read it since I originally posted it. Let's go through it together now, shall we?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Medium

I do believe this was the real deal. That being said, she said some of the same exact things that the medium said this summer, which leads me to believe that this summer's medium was on the right track as well. Thank god I took notes, because even though she's sending me a tape, we spoke for a little over two hours, and there is so much that I want to process now. I have about 8 full pages of notes. (yikes!!!) Here are some of the things in no particular order that she said:

1. She knew about the breakup that I just had. She said there was a 3rd person in the relationship, but it really had nothing to do with me. He wasn't feeding me a load of crap, he really had no other choice but to try this other direction. He feels really badly for this happening right before the holidays, and he will be back in my life again. Joe never liked him though.

This was referring to Andre, who had broken up with me just prior to my reading. He did re-enter my life very briefly, at the beginning of this school year. I pretty much never think of him. Hunny how that goes.

2. About Joe:
There is so much about Joe that she got right. He is here with me. I asked for proof, and the porch light went out. She said, "Did your porch light just go out?" God, I have the shivers now just thinking about it.

I asked for nicknames, and he said mine.

I asked about the boys' health. He said to please make sure they get the chickenpox. Nan (the medium) laughed when she said that. I said, "That's how Joe died." She said, "It caused his heart to stop?" I said, "yes."

He said that he watches me on the computer every night, and that he is going to help me find the right person to date.

He held Joshua in his arms before I did (I was still pregnant when Joe died) and Joshua sees him all the time. I need to pay attention to what Josh is looking and pointing at. Even though to me it never makes any sense, he's seeing Joe. They have a really strong connection.

Joe is really sorry. He kept saying he's sorry and was crying. (This happened this summer as well) For what? He said I would know. And I do. And I forgave him. Once I forgave him I swear to god I felt shivers run through me.

He also kept mentioning a red shirt. His last few months here he would always relax in a red fleece zip up. I still have it hanging in the closet.

He also mentioned a broken glass or vase. I'm not sure what that meant, but will think about it.

He feels like he let me down by leaving, but that in the long run, my life will be better. He comes to me in my dreams, and it's really him.

He also plays with me all the time, by having things fall to the floor, or puts them someplace that they weren't before.

He wants me to get an oil change, and to be on the lookout for a problem with the hot water heater.

How about our boiler?

He hasn't left me at all. He feels closer to me than ever. He is very worried about me. He kept saying that I have tears behind my smile, and when will I let them out? He says that I'm just going through the motions, living behind a plexi glass wall.

He had to go. He had to go. He had to go.

He tried to stay, but it wouldn't have been good if he stayed any longer. He really tried, but he had to go.

Keep reading to the boys. He loves to hear me read.

This was nice to read, a year and a half later.

3. About me:
I have a strong sense of wanting to be alone right now. I need to go with that, and not feel guilty.

I'm less able to deal with things now than I was in the beginning.

I don't let out my feeling enough, and that's why I keep getting sore throats. The words are literally getting stuck in my throat.

I'm meeting my obligations, but it's costing me a lot. I don't like to ask for help, and it's putting a strain on me. If a fall of a ledge, I will be caught.

It will not always be like this. It will not always be like this.

and it's not!

She sees changes for me at the end of January, and major (job) changes for me in March. The changes in March will be good for me, and will make my life easier. Be on the lookout for someone named David.

I did start a new business last March. I'm not sure who David was though.

I will have two more relationships before I meet my husband. The second relationship will almost be the right one. I will meet my future husband through second relationship. I have not met him yet. He's 6"2, solid and fit, salt and pepper hair, strong jaw. (cute, huh?) He won't have any children, but will adopt mine, and we will have a daughter together. This will happen in 2007. I will marry him 6 months after meeting him, because I will know right away that he is the one. No question. I will have a really happy life with him and our kids. Joe will bring him to me when I am ready.

hmmm. Does this mean T is not the one? He's the second guy I dated after I spoke with her. I'm going to hope that she got that one wrong. This is when speaking to a medium can get tricky.

I am not ready yet. Stop trying to jump into things. Take care of yourself first.

There is so much more, but I doubt anyone will even read this much, so I'll stop here.

Wow.

-B

edited to add:
She kept talking about the wizard of oz, and how my life is like Dorothy's house being caught up in the tornado. But that it would land, and I will walk out of the house and see color again. So I just turned on the television, and what's on? Wizard of Oz. How often is that on tv? And on the channel my tv turns on to?

Thoughts?

Answers to questions

qk said...

How is your class doing? You are 2/3 through the school year and I've wondered if things have gotten better for you.

School is going better. Either the class has chilled out a bit, or I've just adjusted to the craziness. I can't say I'll be sad when this school year is over, but they have grown on me. Here is a story that illustrates the class that I have this year:

Yesterday I had an IEP meeting for a girl in my class who has been struggling all year. Her dad announces in the meeting, that he's not worried about his daughter. "She's never going to be a good student, but she's a pretty girl, and she'll either become a model, or will marry a man who will take care of her."

Now I like this dad, but if these are your expectations for your child, then why would she ever achieve more than that? Argh! So frustrating. And I have an entire class like this!

It's Pi Day!! Did you celebrate? ;-)

I did not celebrate, but I did enjoy the idea of such an obscure holiday. What's next?

How are the boys settling in to their separate day time routines? Are they enjoying having their time away from each other, and appreciating their time together more? (LOL we can always dream right?)

They would prefer to be together all the time. They are truly best friends. But they are both adjusting to their days apart. Jacob likes school, and Josh likes not fighting for toys.

Anonymous said...

I want to know if you've eaten at your favorite restaurant by school again since they overcharged you.

Guilty as charged. *Head hanging low*

I tried to stay away. I really did. But I crave those freaking quesadillas! I went back two weeks after the incident. And then went back the next week, and the next week. *sigh*

Also do you think there will be wedding bells for you and T?

Yes. I do. HOLY CRAP!

Jennifer said....
So, if you would like, you could kind of do a "looking back on what the medium said would happen in the future" type thing. I think that would be pretty cool...was she right? Wrong? Still holding out hope?

That is a great idea, but should be a post all by itself. I will do that tomorrow.

Nick said...

What about some pictures, maybe of the city, for those of us too poor to travel there :) Or maybe a little politics, your thoughts on NCLB since it's coming up for renewal.

Pics will come soon. Politics is a good idea. My thoughts on NCLB? Do you really have to ask?! I hate NCLB with such a passion that it has made me question the idea of continuing teaching.

How about introducing us to some of your favorite bloggers, for those of us who don't know each other?

Excellent idea. I will save this for a new post as well.

Oh, I know a good one! How about a post on how you and T are planning to go to the Garrison Starr/Amy Correia concert this Sunday???

I knew there was something I was forgetting about this weekend! Darnnit!

Thanks for your help! Let me know if you have any further questions. This was easy. But is it interesting?

I'm Stuck

I can't think of a thing to post about

ideas? anything?

-b

Gulliver's Travels

Gulliver sure loves widows. First he came with me to my widow group, and now he's gone with Pentha to meet a whole new group of widows, many of whom I've had the pleasure of meeting before. Check them out here.

Great idea, Pentha! Loved the entry!

-b

Sophia Lily

-b

Grey Hair

I spied my first grey hair
this morning
as I was inspecting
my head

Instead of becoming sad
I smiled at the sight

It was beautiful
shiny
and straight

unlike the corkscrew curls
that cover
the rest of my head

I plucked the
singular
grey
hair

and immediately
felt
regret

I should have worn
that hair
with pride

I earned it
after all

Something tells me
that there will
be more
to come

-b

Picture Post

It's been a while since I've posted any pictures. I don't have any of baby Sophia yet, so you'll have to deal with looking at my kids again. Sorry!

I like to call this one:
Playing with balls

(Could they be having any more fun?)

This one I call:
The Purim Guy

Jacob has been obsessed with Easter recently. Why? Because of the candy in Walgreens. He goes to a Jewish preschool, and has been learning about the holiday, Purim. He has been asking me for weeks, "After Purim, Easter?" Well, Sunday night, while the boys were eating dinner, the doorbell rang. It was a delivery from our temple. A care package for Purim, filled with candy. Guess what Jacob's new favorite holiday is? And he keeps saying, "That was sooo nice of the Purim Guy!"

This picture is called:
lovenotes from T

I know, you can't read it. I tried to take a picture that you could see, but I can't figure out how. T was here since last Thursday, but had to leave today for NY for business. When I walked in the back door, I could see a note hanging on the fridge for me. It says:
I'm always a bit reluctant
to leave, but I console myself
by saying I'll be back
See you in 2 days!
Talk with you tonight
love,
T

How great is he?

-b

She's Here!

Sophia Lily
7 pounds 9 ounces
10:19 PM

Mommy and baby are both doing well

I'm an auntie times two

-b

Baby Sophia

is not here yet!
Any minute now....

Owning a Home

While I'm usually
glad
that
I own a home

and I know
that
I'm lucky
to own
a home

sometimes
it sucks

like when
the furnace
breaks
and
I have no
heat
and the
boys have to
sleep at the sitters
and I have to bundle up
and suck it up
and try not to freeze
and then spend more
money than
I couldpossibly imagine
to replace it

and then one day
later
it rains so hard
that the basement
floods
and I'm at work
and can't do anything
about it

but worry

It's times like
those
that makes me wish
I rented

-b
p.s. thanks for your inquiries about my sister. The inducement was delayed until Monday.

Can You Spell P-r-o-c-r-a-s-t-i-n-a-t-i-o-n?

I certainly can. What have I procrastinated doing recently? here's a little list:

my taxes
cleaning my bedroom
taking care of my father in law's:
funeral bill
apartment
car
probate
paying my bills
folding/sorting/doing laundry
training my dog

Things I finally stopped procrastinating:
sending off Gulliver
He's finally in the mail and should arrive at Pentha's on Thursday

-b

Back From NY

We arrived back from NY this afternoon, and I don't have any exciting news to report. Baby Sophia is holding out I guess. She will be here this week for sure, but I won't be there to see her arrival.

It's hard living so far away from my sister. I feel like I barely know my nephew, and feel sad that our kids get to spend such little time together. By the time they're all comfortable hanging out together, someone has to go home.

Last year I was seriously thinking about moving to NYC. I have come to realize that I don't want to live there. I want to live close to my sister and her family, but I don't want to live in NYC. If only I could get them to move here....

-b

New York

I'm in NYC for the weekend. We got here this afternoon and will be here until Sunday. We're all crossing our fingers that baby Sophia decides to make her debut while we are here. If not, my sister will be induced next Thursday. I will try to check in when I can, but am going to try to stay away from the computer while I am here.

We shall see how that goes....

-b

p.s. I realize I never updated you all on my weekend away with T. We had an amazing time. I will write more later, but my sister is in pain (contractions) and so I need to help with my nephew. Night!

Confession Time

I must confess, I am a lazy person. I leave my laundry in the washing machine for so long, I have to rewash them before I can dry them. Sometimes even twice. And I never sort my clothes before washing them. I bought a special type of dishwasher that would allow me to rarely empty it. I rarely plan my lessons for school, and will steal ideas from other teachers whenever I'm given the chance. I will spend the afternoon on the couch when the boys are napping when I could be cleaning, or sorting, or doing something purposeful.

But the laziest thing I've done recently is also the most shameful. I still have Gulliver sitting in my dining room. I was supposed to send him off to Pentha over a month ago. Then Pentha's brother died unexpectedly, and her sister became ill, and I wasn't sure if it would be too much for her to receive Gulliver at that time. And then I thought her blog had disappeared, but my guess is that she updated it and my link just no longer worked.

Ok, another confession. I make excuses. I should have sent Gulliver out long ago, and I screwed up. I'm sorry. He will be heading out tomorrow in the mail. I promise not to be lazy, or to make excuses.

-b

Forgiveness

How do you
forgive
someone
after they
die

for lies that
they told you
when they were alive?

Especially
when you keep
dreaming
of the
lies

night
after
night

I want to
forgive
I really
do

I just
don't
know
how

-b

Away For The Weekend

You may recall Owen's Cape House from this past summer. It is one of my favorite places in the world to go. It's beautiful, peaceful, and relaxing. Tomorrow T and I will be going there to celebrate my birthday. We will hopefully have an amazing time doing a whole lot of nothing. T is on his way here from NY, and he has birthday and Valentine's presents in tow.

I'll update you when I can. But cross your fingers for me to have a great weekend. I really need it.

On a different note, today would have been Joe's 34th birthday. Happy birthday, babe. We miss you.

-b

My Birthday

sucked
for the most part

Here was the day:

It started out nice. I found out that we had a snow day at 6am, and was thrilled. My mom stopped by around 10 and took the boys outside to play.
Here is Josh after coming in from the snow
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Joe's medical files were delivered to my house. I ended up sitting and reading the entire file while the boys napped. There was some surprising information in them, as well as hard information to read. It was also interesting to read about myself in the third person, and read myself quoted. It was a hard read, and I haven't gotten over it yet.
Then the boys and I baked the most delicious cookies
Here they are:
Then I put the boys to bed, cleaned the house, made myself dinner and sat on the couch. Oh wait! Did you want to see the flowers that T sent me? Or the card or present he gave me? Hmm, so did I.

I am seriously beginning to despise my birthday.

-b

Birthdays

It doesn't seem fair
that tomorrow
I will turn
a year older
than Joe
ever
got
to
turn

I know that this
year
I am in a much
better place than last
year

When I was dating that
shithead
who stood me up
on my birthday

And I know I should be thankful
to be dating someone
who truly loves me
and wants me to
be happy

and I am

but
it still doesn't seem right
that Joe never got to
turn 32

I wonder if I will
ever enjoy
my birthday
again

-b

Heaven

Tell us a story
about heaven
they said to me
tonight

you want to hear a story
about heaven?
I clarified

yes
tell us a story
about daddy in heaven

ok
I said

Heaven is a beautiful place
where everyone is
happy all the time

and the best part of heaven
is that you get to watch
all the people
you loved most
in the world

and your daddy spends his days
watching the people
he loved most in this world

So your daddy spends
his days
watching the two of you
and is so happy
because you are so happy

I miss him mommy
I know
I do too

-b

T

Have I told you lately
how awesome
T
is
to
me?

He rocks

He has been
by my side
through
this
whole
shitty
week

and
I
love
him

I
do
I
love
him

-b

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Once a week, since September I have had a grad school night routine. I leave my house at 5pm, and drive for 14 minutes to Cambridge. I park in Harvard Square at my school (not Harvard, btw), and walk for 5 minutes to Boca Grande. Every week I order the same thing: Cheese quesadilla with all the toppings, a side of rice, and water. The total each week comes to $4.98.
Tonight was a little different. T decided to come with me, and to walk around Harvard Square while I was in class. We drove, parked, and walked as usual. I ordered my normal fare, and T ordered a chicken platter and a small iced tea. The total came to $16.80. I paused, thinking that this was a bit high, considering my meal is usually $5.00, but then payed the cashier, assuming that T's meal was a lot more expensive than mine.

Once we were sitting down eating, I surveyed the menu board. T's meal was in fact only $4.50, and his drink was $1.50. I was cheated!

I ate my meal like a civilized person, and then informed T that I was going to get my money back. I went up to the cashier and informed her that I had been over charged. She re-totaled up what we ordered, and it came to $12.00. I explained that I had been charged $16.80. She asked if I had a receipt, and I told her that she never gives me a receipt. No receipt, no refund. What?

I argued as best I knew how, even asking to speak to the manager. "No manager," I was told.
In a shaky voice I informed the cashier that I come into the restaurant every single week, and that they were about to lose me as a customer over $5.00. She told me that was fine. I held back my tears and stormed out, T following behind.

He asked me if I was more upset about the $5.00 or the fact that I could no longer go back there. No doubt, I am more upset that I will never eat one of their delicious cheese quesadillas again. Yet another thing to mourn.

-b

Funeral Time

So I'm going against my father-in-law's final wishes, and burying him here, next to his son, instead of 5 hours away in upstate New York. There are many reasons I'm doing this, and I don't really feel like posting them right now. Maybe later.

The past few days have sucked. Jay (my father-in-law) left me quite a mess to take care of. I am physically, and mentally exhausted.

And now, I get to go stand in below 0 temperatures as we have a graveside funeral for Joe's dad. And then, his whole family will be buried. And I will attempt to move on.

-b

Joe and his dad
a few years ago

He Died

at 5:50 this morning

shit

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

Breathe

except look at the shirt above
he wore this shirt
all the time
how can I take it
out of the closet?

Breathe

Or these shirts above
they came back from the dry cleaners after Joe died
He took them there
when he was still alive

Breathe

Or this shirt above
The sleeves are still rolled up
he rolled them up
and they're still that way

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

-b

Updates

There's not too much to update, but for the sake of keeping up with my blog, I'll give it a shot.

My father-in-law is still alive. Which is good for many reasons, least of which is that I am in charge of his funeral, and he has decided for some asinine reason, to be buried 5 hours away from us. Who he expects to attend this funeral 5 hours away is beyond me, but he expects a proper service/burial. Whatever.

Grad School: I'm taking my very last class! It started last Wednesday night, and it's actually fun! I'm pretty proud of myself for going back to school and finishing this degree that I started so long ago. It will be a huge relief to finally be done.

My class: at school is the same as ever, but today I got a surprise; a new student. Just what we needed....

My sons: Are both doing well. They still talk about death a lot, but it's not bothering me anymore. They'll randomly say things like, "Did you know that my daddy is in heaven?" Or they'll put out flowers from a vase (That T got for me) and when I tell them to put them back they'll ask why they need to. And when I explain that the flowers will die if they stay out of the water, they'll ask if the flowers will then go to the sky. And when I say yes, they say that they want the flowers to stay out of the water.

T: Is wonderfully amazing. I love when he's here, I hate when he's away, and I'm scared this will all end.

Any other updates you would like? Ask away!

-b

Saying Goodbye
(part two)

We never had
a good relationship
due to the fact
that he was
a shitty father
and a shitty
grandfather
he was
and is
a cheap bastard
who never gave
any of us
a dime
He can talk
and talk
and talk
for hours
about the most boring topics
known to man
He always asked me the
same questions
over
and
over
and
over
clearly never
paying attention
to the answers I provided
At times
I have hated him
I never thought I
would miss him
So why did I cry
as I said
goodbye?

-b

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow the boys
and I
will travel
to Hartford

To visit my
father-in-law
and to say goodbye

He is dying
and will be gone
very soon

It will be
a very
sad
day

-b

The Interview

So my blog buddy, Nick wrote a post yesterday about interviewing a reader. He may have been joking, but I jumped at the chance. (surprise surprise!) Here are the questions he asked me, and the honest answers that I promised him:

You started blogging in November of '05, just over a year ago. A lot of blogs don't last that long. What keeps you going?

My blog has been a type of therapy for me. I have had so many ups and downs these past few years, and it has been a place for me to work through my emotions. I realize that I could do this in a journal, but then I wouldn't get any feedback. And those comments are addictive. I love the feedback I have received over the past year and a bit. This blog has also been a good way for friends to check in on me. Many of them never comment, but they are reading, and making sure that I'm ok. I've also made some actual real life friends from this blog. That has been an added bonus. It has become harder to keep up recently, mostly because T is often around, and I don't blog in front of him. But I still try to write a few entries a week.

If computers became illegal today, who from the internet would you try the hardest to find?

I would try my hardest to find this blog. I've never backed it up or anything, and would be crushed if I lost everything I had written. So I guess I'd be trying my hardest to find myself.

Fast forward 10 years. Tell us one thing about your life.

I am happily married and have a third child.

Your husband died almost three years ago at the age of 31. What advice would you give to someone who is just now going through what you went through at that time?

Let people help you. It's ok to cry every day. Join a support group! You are stronger than you could ever imagine yourself to be. Someday you will find happiness again.

Obviously we don't get do-overs in life. Imagine we did. If you could go back in time and change one, and only one, thing you've said or done, what would it be?

The night I went to see Joe at the hospital I would not have stopped at the front desk. I would have just marched right into Joe's hospital room, and held him, and told him how much I loved him. The fact that I stopped at the front desk, and was told that I couldn't see Joe, will forever haunt me. It was my last chance to see him conscious.

You're auditioning for American Idol. What song are you going to sing?

Obviously you've never heard me sing! But if I had to sing something it would have to be, "The Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Oh yeah.

Who's Patrick?

LOL! Patrick was the aide in my classroom last year. He had worked here for two years prior to that, but I never got to know him until last year. Patrick is one of the nicest, funniest, easiest to be around guys that I know. He's a good friend.

You surprise T with carry-out Chinese one night and discover him in bed with another woman. Do you leave immediately and eat the Chinese (like I would), or stay to confront them, letting the perfectly good Chinese go to waste?

I would join in. Just kidding! I would confront him, and then cry for the next week. The food would never get eaten.

Being a teacher, what advice do you have for someone considering a career in education?

Don't do it! It's way harder than people perceive it to be.

What advice do you wish someone would have given you when you decided to become a teacher?

I really don't know. I was given lots of advice, but brushed most of it off because I was a cocky new teacher.

What's your favorite and least favorite part of being a teacher?

My favorite part of being a teacher is watching a student understand something that s/he didn't previously understand. I had a lot of difficulty in school as a kid, and I love when I can actually help a struggling student not struggle any more. My least favorite part is dealing with bad behavior from students, parents and administrators.

Describe your mood right now in one word.

Anxious

If you could instantly and permanently change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd be skinny

You can marry any celebrity you want. Congratulations.

Why thank you!

Describe each of your children using one sentence that doesn't run on for a whole paragraph.

Jacob is a sweet, strong willed, funny, slightly strange, inquisitive child.
Josh is a cuddly, funny, smart, strong willed, mostly happy child.

Imagine you were never married and never had kids. How do you think your life would be different?

Perhaps I'd be living in a city somewhere closer to my sister. I doubt I would be very happy at this point in my life if I had never married, nor had kids. Both were so important to me. Dating would be far less complicated though!

Boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs?

Boxers, or boxer briefs. NO BRIEFS!!!!

You're going to be executed today. Should have just left and ate the Chinese... What's your last meal consist of?

Eggplant parm, good French bread with lots of butter, molten chocolate cake.

Any parting words?

I'm wondering why anyone reads my blog, including you. It's often so depressing! I appreciate all my readers though, and want to thank you for reading!

Thanks b :)
Thank you!

-b

Help My sister
(again)

Now that you've helped her pick a name for her baby to be, she has another question for you. Have any of you used a doula during labor and delivery? Can you share anything about your experience? Also, how much would you be willing to pay? Maybe if enough of you respond, she'll let you in on the name :O)

-b

Josh is sick
again

I walked into my classroom this morning, and noticed the red light was flashing on my phone. I checked my voicemail, and heard Josh's sitter's voice. I knew that could not be good. Josh had a fever of 103. How did I miss that when he woke up this morning????

I'm home with him now, waiting to see the doctor yet again. This will be trip number 4 in the past 5 weeks. I am starting to get very frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

-b

T is back!

T came home a day early
He surprised us by being here
when we got home

He took us out to dinner
While waiting for our food
Josh nuzzled into T's arm

and said

I love you

I teared up
of course

and T told Josh
that he loved him too

Now T's reading
Curious George
and putting the boys to bed

is it a wonder I missed him?

life is good
tonight

-b

I Miss T

He's away for work this week
and I just want him here
that is all

-b

When Will He Come Back?

That is the latest question
my 2 and 3 year old are asking
repeatedly

Why did he have to die?
is the other one
that keeps coming up

Never, and I don't know
just don't seem to be
sufficient answers

Because he was cheated out of life
and you were cheated
out of having him as a father
is what I would like to say

I guess they waited for the
grief to be easier for me
so that I can help them

as they truly face the loss
that has been with them
for two and a half years

I wish I had the answers
instead I only have questions

-b

Trip To The ER

This afternoon, after a nice day with the boys, Jacob fell. Not a crazy fall, just a normal, slip on the kitchen floor. He landed on his butt, and seemed fine. But he started to cry, so I sat on the floor to hug him. As soon as I took him in my arms, his head fell backwards, his eyes disappeared into his head, and he was out cold.

I called his name a few times, then began panicking. I carried him into the living room, and called 911. While on the phone with the operator he started making noises, and by the time the ambulance arrived he was fully conscious.

We went to the er and were released within 2 hours. The doctors think that either the pain, or the scare of the fall caused him to pass out.

Those moments, where Jacob was passed out in my arms, were quite possibly the scariest of my life. And I've had some scary moments.

-b

How did daddy die?

Just about every day
for the past week
or so

that question has been asked
by the boys

"He got really sick," I reply.

"With what?" They ask.

"With a bad sickness."

"Are we gonna die?"

"Not until you're very, very old."

"Was daddy very very old?"

blah

-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!

Poor T

He wanted to make the two of us
a romantic dinner tonight
he searched the internet
for a recipe

went to my favorite
produce store
to buy the freshest
ingredients

bought a nice bottle of wine

came home
and started cooking

the appetizers were
delicious

warm Brie
roasted garlic
fresh bread
crackers
and crabcakes

the salad with balsamic vinagrette
was perfect

but the pasta
with porcini mushrooms
sauteed with fresh tomato
white wine
and olive oil
was inedible

In fact
I spit it out
I couldn't even fake it

T was just a tad bit hurt

-b
(it's not too late to delurk)

Gulliver Traveled

To Widow Group
(pictured is 8 out of 10 members. Julie is behind the camera, and Monique moved back to Belgium this past summer)

Loweded Wookie had a whole bunch of rules on his blog about what one needs to do if they have Gulliver for a visit. I'll summarize the most important part here:

With regards the photos. While scenery is pretty cool and thereÂ’s some amazing places on earth, I know because I live in one of those places, what makes a place so cool is the people. I want to see the people where you live, not just your families but people in the city or surrounding areas. Show me parties with your friends, show me drunken bums holding Gulliver just show me the people that make where you live special and such a great place to live. That is the purpose of this experiment anyway, to show that we humans are just like everyone else despite borders,colorss, creeds, and religions. BTW, you donÂ’t need to be in the photo if you donÂ’t want to but if you do that would be awesome.

Part of what makes where I live so great, and part of the reason it would be so difficult for me to leave, is widow group. I know I've posted about them before, but they are worth many, many blog entries. These women all lost their husbands within the same year that I lost Joe. Most of us were strangers when we met in October of 2004. We all remember those first support group meetings. We were so sad, and it was so heartbreaking to hear the stories of how we all lost our spouses.

Our leader, Leah, told us that soon we would be looking forward to meetings, and we would even find ourselves laughing at the meetings. None of us believed her. We felt so hollow, laughter seemed like a distant memory.

But with time, and with the support of each other, we did start laughing again. I posted a year ago that every widow group there are tears, and every widow group there is laughter. That was true, even tonight.

There are tears for what we lost, for what our husbands, and children, and children never born lost. There are tears for the memories of illnesses, and saying goodbyes, and for never getting the chance to say goodbye. There are tears for the loneliness, and the aches in our hearts that will never ever leave.

But there is laughter too. Lots and lots of laughter. What do we laugh about? Life. Because even though we all lost a part of ourselves when our husbands died, we are still alive. And with the support of widow group, we are all living.

In my opinion Gulliver traveled to the best party out there. I feel so lucky to be able to join my widow group friends every Monday night.

As to where Gulliver will travel to next, it's been a really hard decision for me. I love all of my blog readers, and you are all worthy of a visit from this cheerful little guy.

I think after bringing him to widow group, it's only fitting to pass him on to another widow. So Pentha send me your address through a pm on the widow board. Gulliver is coming your way.

-b

National Delurking Week!

This is the week that everyone comes out of the closet!
If you read this blog at all
please out yourself
You don't have to say much
but say something!
Widow group, this includes you!

-b

Has Everyone Gone Crazy?

It may be this insane weather
we've been having
65 degrees in January
in Boston?

Or maybe it's the sugar
from the holidays
wearing off
slowly

Or maybe it's
the full moon
that just recently
ended

All I know
is that every child
I have come into contact with
today

both at school
and at home
have been acting
in such a way

That make me
desire
a loooong
break from children

Anyone else?

-b

Gulliver is here!

A while back, when I was feeling blue (not sure exactly when, could have been anytime actually), my good blogger friend, Loweded Wookie decided to cheer me up. He got an idea to send me Gulliver. I need to take pictures of Gulliver in Boston, and post a blog entry about his stay here, and then send him on to one of my blog readers who will do the same. Along with Gulliver came a notebook to write in, and a present from Loweded Wookie to me. A book of pictures of his native New Zealand.

LW, you made my day! Thank you for starting this project with me. (and now I know your real name! I promise not to divulge it)

So...who would like to be the next recipient of Gulliver?

-b

My Boyfriend...

T went away this afternoon for work
He'll be in CA for 8 days
He left the house hours after I did
and he left behind

love notes!
7 in all, hidden throughout the house
I've only found six so far
They are so sweet, I'm willing to ignore the fact
that my name is misspelled on all of them :O)

-b

Happy New Year!

Sorry I've been such a sucky blogger as of late, but T has been here all week, and I don't blog in front of him, nor do I check my blog in front of him, so it has caused me some blogging issues.

But he's still asleep upstairs, and I am getting ready for my first day back at school. note: getting ready=writing on blog.

We had a really good week off, and I've been dreading going back to work. But New Year's Day was soooo slow and boring that I think it was just what I needed to get myself wanting to get back into my normal routine.

Anyways, just wanted to check in real quick, and let you know that all is well.

I'll write more tonight.

-b
p.s. Gina, I do have a counter, but I never check it anymore. But regardless, I'm so happy you're checking in regularly!

first fight

Last night we had our first real fight
We've fought before
over little trivial things
but last night was a big one

about trust
and lies
and things like that

I was proud of the way we fought
no one left the room
voices were barely raised

We talked our way though it
came to a resolution
and all was good

Yay us

-b

I'm Back!

The boys and I had an amazing weekend in Upstate NY with T's family. His parents welcomed us into their home like we were family, and his sister was awesome. I really could have stayed all week, but we had to get back for T's job. Below are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Christmas Eve pre church picture

a fuzzy picture of T's house
Christmas morning (yes, it's still dark)
T's mom watching over the boys

-b

Tomorrow's The Day

Wish me luck!

We're off to T's parent's house until Tuesday night. I will be collecting blog entries my whole visit. I will give you an update when I get back, but I've as nervous as can be right now.

Merry Christmas!

love,
b

p.s. the Mary post was a joke. Patrick really did tell me that, but I knew he was kidding. Sorry for making some of you worried, and even sorrier that some took offense to the post. I still think it's pretty funny though.

Thank God for Patrick

Everyone else assumed I knew that you are supposed to dress up as Mary or Baby Jesus on Christmas morning. But Patrick quietly filled me in, so as not to embarrass me for my lack of knowledge. Thank you, Patrick. I've got my Mary clothes all picked out. T's family will never know how clueless I once was about this holiday of theirs.

-b

blah

I had a funny
entry
all ready to go

but
i don't have it
in me
tonight

i just want
to cry
and
I'm not even sure
why

I may just be
exhausted
from having sleepless nights
with josh
who is sick
again

I may be frustrated
with T
because he's so grumpy
because he's sick
again

I may just be missing Joe
for reasons
not completely clear
to me

maybe it's the holiday cards
with the family names
all intact

or the memories
of those days in
the hospital
that just keep
haunting me

or the fear
that things won't
work out with T
and I'll need to start all over
again

whatever the reason
I'm melancholy
tonight
and the funny entry
will just have to wait
until I have joy in
my heart
again

-b

Tis' The Season

I miss Joe tonight
no surprise really
spent yesterday with
his family
but no Joe
sucks really

There's a commercial on tv
right now
Debeer's ad for diamonds
A woman is sleeping peacefully in bed
Her husband sneaks out of bed
goes downstairs
and comes back with a necklace

Damn commercial
makes me cry
every time

The song that goes with it
is what gets to me

I miss Joe

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you, but my words
Just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I cant think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, Im always walking with you
Im always walking with you, but I look and youre not there
Whoever Im with, Im always, always talking to you
Im always talking to you, and Im sad that
You cant hear, sad that you cant hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
When I look and youre not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
And -- each night and day I pray, in hope
That I might find you, in hope that I might
Find you, because hearts can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I cant think of right words to say

-b

Hanukkah Cheer

Yesterday we hosted a Hanukkah party at our house. Mel and Nikki came, along with their families. My parents and brother were also there. The kids had a blast, and got awesome presents. Today we visited Joe's family in the city that I like to call the most depressed city in MA. They are also the most depressing family to be around, but they behaved pretty well today. My kids got way too many presents. They are loving this holiday!

(kids at party decorating Hanukkah cookies. No idea why Jacob looks pissed. He loved the whole day)

(The party continued on Jacob's bed. It was transformed into a bus, and was played on, without adults supervising, for a long, long time)

(Jacob got his kiddush cup)(Josh with his doll, and about a gazillion other presents!)

-b

Happy Hanukkah!

I'm Done!

My big research paper is complete! Going in the mail tomorrow!!!!! Thanks for all your help and encouragement. Now I need to take my last class next semester and I will be done with graduate school. It only took me seven years...

-b

Reality Overkill

So you all know that I love reality TV. It's actually the only TV genre I watch these days. I realize they are crappy, but it's what I like. Deal with it.

What some of you know is that I used to be obsessed with the movie, "Dirty Dancing." By used to, I mean the 7th grade, and by obsessed I mean I saw it in the movie theatre ten times. Really. Ten times. Then I bought the video when it came out and watched it endlessly. I had every line memorized and my siblings and I performed a lip synch to the talent show song.

But even I, a hardcore fan of both all things reality, and Dirty Dancing think that this is too much. For those of you too lazy to click, WE has created a new reality TV show called, "Dirty Dancing." Their catch phrase is, "18 will dance. Only one will have the time of her life."

I will watch only so that I can properly make fun of it. Really. Just once. Or twice. And of course I'll have to watch the finale. But that's it. Because this show is pure crap.

-b

Help Me

I need to come up with Christmas gifts for T's family. We will be staying with them for 3 or 4 days. I got them a housewarming gift, but what do I give for Christmas?

I need something for his mom, dad, and 25 year old sister. I would like to spend under $30 per person.

Ideas?

-b

p.s. This will be my first time meeting them, and I don't know too much about any of their likes/dislikes.

It's almost 6:30 and I'm...

Still at work. That may not seem late to many of you, but as a teacher/mom, it's pretty damn late for me. Been working hard on my research paper. I decided to go with Kelly's idea about delaying boys who turn 5 in the summer from entering K until they are 6. It's been pretty interesting to research. The most interesting aspect for me was how this is helping to cause the achivement gap. It's almost always middle class/upper class white boys who are delaying entry until they are 6. Children from lower income homes, and children of color are entering K at age 5 because their parents can't afford an extra year of daycare/preschool. As a result, they are at an extra disadvantage when they enter school. Also, due to kids entering K later, parents have demanded a more rigorous curriculum, which then sprirals upward. I would love to hear JRowe's take on this, since she is a K teacher.

Speaking of JRowe, I've been having a disagreement with one of her husband's friends. Check it out (the disagreement is in the comments) , and tell me if I'm crazy. (well I know I'm crazy, but are my arguments crazy?) I had this same disagreement with MK last year, and I stand by my feelings.

Anyways, off for my first parent teacher conference with Jacob's teachers. Am slightly nervous, even though I talk to them every day, and don't think there will be any surprises. We'll see.

Oh, and T is giving notice at his apartment complex today. Now that he's working mostly in Boston, he realized it's just too hard to live in NH. A friend of his is looking to sublet her apatment, and it's just 15 minutes away from my house!!1

Gotta run.

love,
b

To Answer Your Questions...

We could here more about T, any long term plans for you all. Is he still looking for a job nearby?

Actually he ended up getting that job I told you about a while back. He starts on Monday and we are both excited for the change. The job involves some travel, but is mostly based in the Boston area. We decided to wait 6 more months before he moves in though. We both feel good about that decision. When he's working out of Boston, like he is all of next week, he'll spend every night here. But when he's based in another state, we'll still have our space.

How's school going? (Graduate stuff, not your day job.) Tell us about that!

Ugh. Well, as you know, I am taking my second to last graduate class. It started out as a breeze, and the class itself is still easy. But I have a gigantic research paper due 3 weeks from tomorrow, and I haven't started yet. I mean, I don't even really have my topic yet. I also have a lot of smaller papers due, so I've been working on getting those done so that I can fully (yeah, right) focus on my big paper. The big paper needs to be about a problem facing schools, and a way to resolve the problem. I need 10 journal articles that examine a solution to the problem. Half should be supporting one way, and the half should be against it. Then I need to state my opinion. I'm open to any and all suggestions for topics.

How about the boys' Hanukkah wish list? What WAS on that Thanksgiving day menu? How is Brooklyn? Is the WW thing still on track?

The boys really don't have a wish list for presents. Every catalog that comes to the house they grab and say they want every item in them. They are getting an easel, art supplies, books, and dramatic play items. Josh is also getting a doll, and Jacob is getting the kiddush cup he wanted :O)

Thanksgiving Day menu was delicious. We had the obligatory turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Plus gratin potatoes, twice stuffed sweet potatoes, grilled root vegetables, asparagus, brussel sprouts, and broccoli and cauliflower with melted cheese. For dessert there was an apple crisp, two types of brownies, a pumpkin roll, and an ice cream cake. (all homemade)

WW is still on track for the most part. Thanksgiving was a lost cause, but this week I'm back on course.

Any other questions?

-b

I don't have much to say

That's a first, huh?

Maybe I need a little blogging break.

I'll be back soon.

-b

I am thankful

for memories
for photographs
for hugs & kisses
for the ability to laugh
for books
for a boyfriend that adores me
for the pitter patter of little feet
for the sound of my boys singing
for a home
for enough money to support my family
for friends who care
for music
for a job that I normally like
for family
for my health
for reality tv
for a place to write my thoughts
for freedom
for life

I am thankful

-b

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Things that make you go hmmm...

• Today Jacob announced that when he gets older he wants to wear underwear like mine.
• There is a new reality tv show about brothers named Jacob and Joshua. They are gay rock singers trying to break into the business. Don't believe me? Check this out.
• I went to a Thanksgiving Day feast at Jacob's preschool yesterday. A mom that I had just met told me that every time she brings her daughter into the classroom, she notices Jacob sitting by himself looking sad. She wanted to know if anything was going on at home. "Well," I responded, "His dad died." That shut her up.
• This Thursday will be my third Thanksgiving without Joe. That seems so unbelievable to me. He was just here, wasn't he?
• My bottom left tooth hurts every time I eat something the least bit sweet. Does that mean I have a cavity?
• Brooklyn continues to bark every timeT and I have "alone time." WTF is up with that? T tells me to tune it out, but that's just not possible for me. It's the same as one of my kids crying. Hard to feel aroused while such things are going on.
• There is a small outbreak of lice at my school. By small I mean contained to one class. By contained to one class I mean contained to my class. I had the nurse check my head today, but despite her assurance that my head was nitfree, I can't stop scratching my head.
• I think this Thanksgiving will be a good one. I really do....
  
• Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

-b

Knock on Wood

Jacob may actually
be potty trained!

-b

Random Notes

• When I told T that I was joining weight watchers, he looked me in the eyes, and said, "Why?" And he didn't start laughing, he meant it. He's too sweet.

• Weight watchers/exercising is going well so far. Have stuck to the program, and worked out 2 out of the past three days. Fingers crossed that I stick with it.

• T bought the boys books at Barnes & Noble the other day. He bought them Clifford and Where the Wild Things Are. The past two nights Jacob has requested Clifford, while Josh has asked to read Where the Wild things are, in his crib. While I've read to Jacob, Josh has been reading to himself in his crib. It's the cutest thing to witness. He reads each page with voices of monsters. The words are all about being monsters, not what the real words are, but he's reading! I have to catch it on video. And his little voice making the noises is priceless.

• Yesterday was a very long day of meetings to discuss issues with my class. We made up a plan that will hopefully help things. Today was actually my best day yet with my class. The best way to describe my class is with the title of my blog. I am always on Relaxed Alert with them. I can never let my guard down. But they are neat bunch of kids and I'm hoping we can have a great year together.

• I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving! And I'm hosting everyone here. And it will be our third Thanksgiving without Joe. (Holy crap, that's crazy!) Next entry I'll post the menu.
  

• Last but not least, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to all of you who read daily, weekly, monthly, or just every once in a while. You have all helped me through some miserable times, and I can't imagine my life without you in it. If you have never identified yourself, I would love for you to say a quick hello. C'mon, it's my blogiversary!

Love you all,
b

If at first you don't succeed....

I rejoined weight watchers today
and I just got off the very neglected
elliptical machine in my room
I must get my body back

Wish me luck

-b

Missing Joe

Two and a half years later I can honestly say that I miss Joe less frequently. I'll go hours, days, weeks even that I'm not actively missing him. He is not my first thought when I wake up, nor is he my last thought when I go to sleep. I am not constantly reminded of him, nor do I feel the need to bring him up in every conversation I have with people.

But the times that I do miss him are more painful than I can even put into words. Every pore in my body aches for him, my mouth can't open because no doubt I will cry instead of speak. Every song, commercial, comment by a passerby, all remind me of him. I want to smell him, feel him, talk to him, laugh with him. I just want him here.

And then I picture him in his hospital bed dying. He died in front of me and I don't think I can ever get over that. His body failing, his heart rate decreasing. I am just so sad for him. And for everyone who knew him, and everyone who didn't know him.

He was one of a kind, my husband Joe. One of a kind.

-b

6 Months Ago

six months ago
tonight
I was awakening
from a deep
depression

I had a date
with someone I had
met
online

I had very
low
expectations
that night
but I went
anyways

who knew that
that someone
would turn into
that someone

who knew
that I
could experience
love
again

here's to six more months...

-b