Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Some things about T
(because I know you want to know!)

He is a biochemist

He is also a volunteer firefighter

He is funny

He is sweet

He is extremely smart (see biochemist above)

He is maybe the most honest person I know

He makes me smile every day

His name has only 3 letters


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

To Joe's Friends

When Joe died
you all told me that you'd be here
any time
anything I needed

And that was true
for a few months

and then
you disappeared


It's like we no longer existed
you no longer remembered us

What happened?
Was it too painful to see us?
Did we remind you of Joe?

Or did we remind you
of your own mortality?

I wish you'd check in
just say hello
ask how we're doing
tell me a Joe story
see my boys



Tonight I had dinner with
Joe's best friend
the one friend who has kept his word
he does check in on me
he still shows that he cares

he told me that he has Joe's picture
in his living room
that made me smile

check in
just tell me that you still think of Joe
that he hasn't been forgotten
that we haven't been forgotten

I miss you guys
I really do


To Nick:

Your new blog won't let me leave a comment! I've been trying for 2 days.


Monday, August 28, 2006

Classroom pictures

Here is my classroom a week before school starts:


Sunday, August 27, 2006

Where to begin?

Let's start with my sister. She's pregnant with baby # 2! I will be an auntie for the second time in March. My sister was pregnant with her 1st son the same time I was pregnant with Josh. After Joe died all of the attention went to me, and then I gave birth to Josh, and the attention stayed on me. I always felt like she was cheated out of being the center of attention while pregnant with her 1st child. So now she gets to be the only one pregnant in the family, and (knock on wood) nothing bad will happen to take the spotlight off of her.

Also, she wanted me to let you know that our mother (who has rarely acted like a mother) agreed to spend two weeks at my sister's in NY when the baby is due. That is huge news in itself.

Jacob has begun talking through his Lamby. Lamby is a stuffed animal lamb that he got as a baby. He sleeps with her, and takes her to unfamiliar places. Lately he has started expressing his needs/wants through her. For example, he'll say, "Lamby is hungry for ice cream."

Yesterday he told me that Lamby was sad. I asked him why she was sad, and he said that he didn't know. I told him to ask Lamby. He turned to Lamby and said, "Lamby, why are you sad?" Then he held her to his ear to listen. (so cute) Then, "She says she misses daddy." Ouch. I asked him if Lamby wanted to visit daddy at the cemetery. He asked her, and then reported that she did. So we spent 45 minutes "playing" at the cemetery. Broke my heart.

I made two delicious new recipes this weekend for T. I will post both recipes if anyone would like to see them. One was for pecan stuffed mushrooms, and the other was for minty squares. Both were really easy, and really good.

That's it, I guess.


Oh wait. Forgot to tell you something. T told me that he loves me :O)
Lots to share

Stay tuned....


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hard Morning

Joined a temple this morning
Had planned to do this for some time
Jacob is starting preschool at a Jewish school
and I really wanted to start taking the boys to services
especially on holidays

When Joe and I got married
we weren't religious at all
but we always said that once we had kids
we'd start practicing Judaism again

I've been trying here and there
but now we can really get involved
and the boys can understand the holidays that we celebrate

Back to my hard morning

I had to meet with the director to discuss my finances
and she was wonderfully warm
and sweet and kind
She got me a very discounted rate
and signed me up

But then
she checked of the "single" box on the application
and I welled up

This was something we were going to do together
Joe and I
I shouldn't be having to ask for financial help
from the nice lady
She shouldn't have to check off the single box
like it means nothing

Sometimes the reality of my life hits me
like a huge smack in the face

I went to school and cried in my classroom
and then felt nothing the rest of the day
no joy
no sadness
just nothing

It's those damn little things again
The little things that aren't so little

does this post make any sense?

p.s. Michele, I told the woman at the temple that one of the members of my support group was married to the architect who designed the addition. She said, CM's wife? And then got all teary talking about how wonderful he and you were. It was nice to see what an impact he had on her. And the building was beautiful. He was so talented.

The Zoo

Almost every Tuesday this summer, my good friend Nikki and I have gotten together with our kids. For our finale, this past Tuesday we went to the zoo in Boston. Below are some fun pics:

Josh and Zoe sitting in a truck watching the tigers

Jacob is a cat
(not very exciting, but it was cute at the time. Promise)

"Look at all the beautiful butterflies!" (direct quote from Jacob)

All 4 kids watching the giraffes. There really were animals at this zoo. I'm not sure why that can't be seen in a single picture, but they were there!


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Clearly There Is Something Wrong With Me

I mean majorly
beyond what we all
already know

Despite having a deep hatred
for all things
Paris Hilton

I kind of dig her song
I mean I play it loudly in my car
and sing along

Please tell me
there's a cure
for my craziness


Monday, August 21, 2006

It's The Little Things

Dear Joe,
Did I ever tell you that I loved smelling your hair?
You used Pert Plus shampoo
and I loved inhaling its smell
as I kissed the top of your head

I would have used it as well
(not just for the scent, but for the ease)
but it never untangled my tangles

After you died
I couldn't bear the thought
of throwing certain things away

Your pills stayed in the medicine cabinet
Your suits stayed in the closet
Your shoes stayed under the bed
and your shampoo stayed in the shower

It's the little things like those
that have kept you
a part of our home

For over two years now
I have sniffed at the bottle of shampoo
and felt your presence around me

On occasion
I've even washed the boys' hair with it
and held them close to me

Tonight something bad happened
The boys were playing in the bath
and of them (I'm not sure which, but it doesn't really matter)
got a hold of the Pert Plus

The cap came off
the bottle was placed under the running water
and just like that

It was gone

I know some will say I can replace the bottle
That was your last bottle
that was irreplaceable

One more thing
gone before I could stop it

It's the little things

You understand I'm sure
you always did


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Goodbye J.Rowe

Last night a few of us took Jenn out for a goodbye dinner. Jenn moved to NY last week after MK, her husband, got a job transfer. They're home for the weekend because today is their son Dylan's 1st birthday party. (Rain, rain, go away!)

It seems like the older we get, the harder it is to make true friends. You know what I mean? The kind of friends you can spill your guts to and not worry that they'll judge you. The kind that can make fun of you because they know you so well. The kind that you completely trust. The kind that will laugh with you at stupid jokes. The kind that will seek you out in her car, when she knows that you're walking in the pouring rain, to drive you to shelter.

Jenn is that kind of friend. And it's really hard to see her go.

Luckily, she started a blog. Now at least we can try to keep up with her exciting new life.

Bye Jenn. I miss you already.


Friday, August 18, 2006

He Must Really Like Me....

because I was a bear last night. I mean a complete bitch. I picked apart everything he said, and disagreed with him just for the heck of it. I snapped at him through dinner, and told him to shut up during dessert.

When we left the restaurant I realized that I had a migraine. The sun was painful to my eyes. I let him lead me, with my eyes half closed, to the car. When he told me that he had planned for us to watch a free play in the park I snapped at him that he should have told me, and that I don't like surprises.

He drove me back to his house, tucked me into bed, and drove around for 30 minutes looking for an open pharmacy to buy me drugs.

He came back and woke me up. He held me while I swallowed some pills, and then he tucked me back in. When I awoke 4 hours later, headache gone, I found him curled up on the couch. I asked him to come into bed with me, and he complied. He held me the rest of the night, and made me breakfast this morning.

When we left his house, I followed him until the highway. I went towards home, and he went towards work.

As soon as his car was out of sight, my phone signaled that I had a text message.

It was from T. "I miss you already."

He's a good one alright.


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Haircut Update

I guess I should have stated that my version of short may be different from your version of short. My hair had grown pretty far down my back, and I wanted a trim, but to keep it long. It now comes down to my shoulders. I took a picture for you, but keep in mind that my hair is still wet from my shower in the pic. Maybe I'll take another one later when it's dry.

Here you go:

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Note To Self

When getting haircut
do not ask hairdresser about boyfriend status
especially if it turns out that
he cheated on her
and she just found out

she may inadvertently
take it out on your hair
and even though you asked for a trim
you may end up with


and you won't be able to
stop her
because that would be rude
because she is spilling her guts

and really
the story is quite fascinating
especially the part when she
checked his emails
and packed up all of his clothes

next time
try to discuss the weather
and keep her focused
on the fact that she is cutting
your hair, and not her ex boyfriend's testicles


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

On Mail, Cigars, and Hot Dogs

I'm not sure if I've written about Joe's love of cigars before. If I have, please forgive me for the repetition.

Joe was a cigar smoker, but even more so, he was a cigar collector. When we moved into this house, I had plans to make the smallest bedroom into an office. I had planned out where the computer would go, where the futon would go, and had the color scheme in my head.

Joe had different plans. He envisioned the room to be a "cigar room." He would change out the closet, line it with cedar, put in slanting shelves, and a humidification unit. He would fill it with thousands of cigars, and put on a glass door with lighting. He pictured burgundy leather chairs, and a surround sound system for movies.

Guess whose vision came true. Yep, it wasn't mine.

Joe loved his cigar room, and spent countless hours taking care of his cigars. He took pride in his collection, and would show it off, along with the rest of the room, to visitors. When Joe died, I sold most of the cigars. I just didn't have the energy or the interest to take care of the cigars the way they needed to be cared for. I kept about 500 or so (which is a tiny portion of what he owned) and put them in humidors in the basement. Then I turned the cigar room into a playroom. (a post for a different day.)

Joe also loved the mail. In fact he was obsessed with the mail. When I would get home from work, he would call me and ask what was in the mail that day. Whatever I was doing I would have to stop, bring the mail in, and tell him what arrived. It was rather annoying, truth be told.

And of course his favorite pieces of mail were cigar catalogs. The arrival of the JR Cigars catalog in particular brought him great joy. He would pore over it for hours with the excitement of a little boy in a candy store.

Jacob has recently become obsessed with the mail. I'm not sure how or why it started, but he now wakes up asking about the mail, and then checks for it throughout the day. When the mail arrives, it is celebration time in our house. Jacob grabs the mail out of the box, and gleefully rips open the envelopes. He then spends hours obsessing over the mail he has received. It's rather odd, but quite cute.

Today there was a special piece of mail waiting for Jacob. It was the J.R. Cigar catalog. And Jacob was in heaven. He read the catalog from front to back, and got more and more excited with each page. When we went to the library for story hour, he insisted on bringing the catalog. When we met friends for dinner at a restaurant, the catalog came too.

The best part? He kept telling me to look at all the different hot dogs! He thought it was a hot dog catalog.

I'm sure Joe is proud just the same though.


Monday, August 14, 2006

My Day
The Good, The Bad, and of course, The Ugly

Jacob had his first dentist appointment today. While there are many wonderfully qualified dentists in my area, I chose to take him to one 35 minutes away because the dentist is my friend from widow group.

We left the house a little late because, well because I'm always late when I take the boys somewhere. So we were late, and there was traffic, and I forgot my cell phone at home so I couldn't call and say I was late. And I knew that I was Rebecca's 1st appt. of the day, so I was screwing up her whole schedule. And it sucked. I felt like a mad woman driving.

We arrived at the office about 15 minutes late, walked in, began apologizing profusely for being late. The receptionist looked at me with a confused look on her face. She consulted her book and informed me that my appt. was not for today, but for tomorrow. Oh.

Thankfully Rebecca is awesome, and took Jacob in anyways. He did great, but she impressed me the most. She let Jacob sit on my lap, and she talked to him in such a relaxed way that he let her do her job. Now I just have to start brushing his teeth regularly!

This afternoon we played in the backyard. I noticed at one point that Brooklyn was running around with something in her mouth. And that something was a mouse! And that mouse was literally falling apart in her mouth.

I began chasing her to get her to stop tearing apart the mouse, and while I did this, J & J "painted" the slide and themselves with mud. Yes, mud.

So I then had two kids covered in mud, and a puppy with a mouse in her mouth, and I was freaking out.

Got the dog to drop mouse, but couldn't stomach moving it, so covered it with bucket. Took boys straight to the tub, cleaned them well, got them in pajamas.

Went to put on jeans for widow group. Jeans had been chewed apart by puppy. UGH!!!!!!

Saw amazing movie with widow group. "Little Miss Sunshine." Go see it. I beg you. I laughed until I cried.

Came home and accidentally overpaid babysitter.

Time for bed I think.

Tomorrow will be less crazy I hope.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

Jacob's haircut
(for Walt)

and one more of Brooklyn :O)
p.s. had amazing weekend with T. Yay!


Saturday, August 12, 2006

Haircuts For All
(except for mom)

Jacob refused to pose for a pic, but he looks cute as well. Michele, if you're reading this, click on the pics of Brooklyn and check out her eye. Is it ok?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Reason # 7 Why Blogger Makes Me Feel Like I'm In Junior High

I made a strange and startling discovery yesterday. I was perusing the blogs that I have links to, and found that on one of the blogs that I read daily, the writer had taken my blog off of her links. I have no idea when she made that decision, or what caused her to make the decision.

And that's the problem. I then started to try to figure out why my blog was removed. Did I do something to annoy her? Piss her off? Did she find my blog boring? And come to think of it, when is the last time she posted a comment on my blog?

This brought back all my insecurities of 8th grade, when I was suddenly "dropped" by a group of friends. I found myself replaying every conversation we had for months prior, trying to determine what, exactly caused the friendships to end.

But I'm 31 now. And this person is a stranger that I'll never ever meet. And I shouldn't care what she thinks of my blog.

but, but, but....I care. I think I'm stuck in 8th grade.

If You Should See Me...

If you should see me
walking down the street
sitting in a restaurant
shopping in a store
putting gas into my car

and you notice
that my shirt
is on

Please let me know

Thank you


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Project Runway

I am so in love with this show. I would marry it in a second if I could.

Anyone else?


Monday, August 07, 2006

Monsters At The Park

We went to the playground yesterday morning as part of our weekend routine. The boys played a game that they called, "Monsters."

Here's how you play:

1. Run around screaming that the monsters are trying to get you
2. Pretend that monsters are biting you
3. Run and scream some more
4. Repeat

After about 30 minutes of this game I thought I'd join in. I stood up and yelled, "Hey monsters, stay away from my kids! If you hurt them, I'll get you!!!"

Jacob came running over to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and very sweetly said, "Mom, we're just pretending. There aren't really any monsters."

Oh. Thanks for clearing that up :O)

Sometimes I just love the words that escape his little mouth.


Saturday, August 05, 2006

Blissfully Happy

(Josh and Brooklyn)


Friday, August 04, 2006

Five For Friday

5 things that make me sad today

  1. Jenn is really moving. This morning my usual group of friends and I took our regular walk. Suddenly we heard a car honking. We turned and saw Jenn in her car, trunk filled with moving boxes. She waved as she passed us, and I teared up. I think I said, "she should be walking with us." Next week she is moving to NY, and she will be missed more than words can adequately say.
  2. Mel is going away tomorrow for 10 days! 10 days! What am I supposed to do for 10 days without her?
  3. School begins sooner than I would like to admit.
  4. I found out yesterday that the doctors waited 60 hours before giving Joe medicine that could have potentially saved his life. 60 hours!!!!
  5. T has to work this weekend, so I won't be seeing him.

5 things that make me happy today:

  1. T let the L word slip out accidentally today. It was a slightly awkward moment, but a lovely one, that is still causing me to smile.
  2. On our walk this morning we got caught in a crazy storm filled with hail, and winds so strong, trees fell. We were totally unprepared, and were walking with our kids and my puppy. We all ran in different directions as we looked for cover from the storm. Jenn turned around in her car and came back to save us. It was mad chaos, but it was fun. I had an adventure with my friends, and it made me happy.
  3. Jacob's behavior has definitely improved. And I will take credit for those changes.
  4. I am going to finally finish my masters degree, and Joe's cousins are sending me the money to pay for it.
  5. I had sex this week.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

One Last Post For Tonight

Please go check out Pentha's post tonight. She is a widow buddy that planned the trip to Baltimore that Jacob and I went to back in June.

Her post tonight is about the evolution of widowhood. I could relate to her post 100% but didn't want to copy her words here.

So check it out, and let her know what you think if you do.


Last Night

Had an amazing night with T last night. Went into Portsmouth, NH for dinner. We ate at this restaurant, and I think it was my favorite meal with T so far. I told him what I wanted for my main course (Pan Seared Jumbo Sea Scallops with chanterelle-basil risotto & American prosciutto 25.), and the wine that I wanted to drink ( 2 glasses of 2004 CMS (Chardonnay, Marsanne&Sauvignon Blanc),Columbia Valley-Wa., Hedges), and he did the rest of the ordering for us.

We had the (Two Artisanal Cheeses, paired condiment & toasts) followed by (Radicchio with spiced pecans, gorgonzola, dried cherries and a balsamic vinaigrette ) He ordered the (Lightly Smoked Sockeye Salmon with three-potato latke, braised greens & herbed crème fraîche )

For dessert we shared (Medium Rare Chocolate Cake with berry coulis ) and drank some coffee.

We then met up with my brother and his wife for a few minutes, because they live around the corner from ththe restaurantnt and had headed out to get dinner for themselves.

We then went back to his apartment for a fun filled night.

So now T has met my sister and brother, as well as their spouses.

Now he just needs to meet my mother and my friends.

He Gave Me A Key To His Apartment

That's big, right?


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I'm Totally In Love

Would you like to learn about my boyfriend, T?
Yes? You would?

He has the sexiest Australian accent
He helps me when I am stuck
He leads the way, but allows me to make my own decisions
He's strong and determined
He always, always helps me "reach my destination"

Would you like to see a picture of him?
You would?
OK, here he is

Meet my boyfriend, Thomas:

I like to call him TomTom for short :O)

(You didn't really think I would tell you about T, did you?)