Sunday, March 30, 2008

More Random facts

1. My first boyfriend was named Andrew and he lived in Roslyn, NY. I met him on a cruise during my freshman year of high school. We spent the whole week together and I fell in love. We continued "dating" for a few months after the cruise. he used to write me the cheesiest love letters that Owen would read to my study hall classmates. I loved those letters, cheesy as they were. I visited him in NY during my April vacation, but he broke up with me in May. We met up again the following February vacation on another cruise. I was dating Joe at the time, but couldn't resist kissing Andrew. I confessed to Joe upon my return home and he was mad at first, but forgave me when I told him that Andrew told me that my kissing skills had greatly improved since I started dating Joe. I googled Andrew recently and he is a therapist in San Francisco. he works with abused children using yoga as therapy.

2. I love carbs. Give me a big bowl of pasta, a bagel with cream cheese, crusty french bread with butter, or a bowl of rice krispies. It's all good. If I could change one eating habit I have, it would be to cut out carbs. But that's really all I like to eat. Meat does nothing for me, and in fact, it often grosses me out. My typical lunch this year has been a bowl of cereal and a bagel.

3. I have had 4 dogs in my life, including Brooklyn. The first dog was named Molly. She was very sweet, and well behaved, but was hit by a truck and killed. My next dog was Joey, and he was crazy. We didn't keep him for very long. My third dog was Emma (long before the name became trendy). We got Emma when I was in the 5th grade, and I immediately fell for her. She was very sweet, and very cute, but was never trained properly. She would escape our backyard and chase people. She would pee and poop everywhere in the house, and chewed furniture. She had major anxiety issues, and the older she got, the worse her behavior became. When I was in the 9th grade we ended up giving her away. I was so sad and mad at my mom. Brooklyn reminds me a bit of Emma. As crazy as she makes me, I hope to keep her for the long haul. No promises, but I'm going to try.

4. When I go to the movies I like to sit in the back row, which drives most people nuts. The reason for this preference, is that I hate when people talk in the movies. It drives me crazy! But I notice it most if the talking/noise comes from behind me. If I am in the back, the chances of me being annoyed by noise is significantly less than if I am in the middle of the theater. Last night T and I went to the movies and saw a great little movie.
I wanted to sit in the back row, but T wanted to sit smack dab in the middle of the theater. Sure enough there was an older couple sitting directly behind us. The movie started, and apparently the husband wasn't aware that the movie had subtitles. Every few minutes I would hear "What does that say?" "Why are their subtitles if they are speaking English?" They actually weren't that bad once the movie got going, so the seats ended up fine, but if the talking had continued I would have had to say something to them, or move, otherwise the movie would have been intolerable.

5. I moved off campus my sophomore year of college, and I think that was a big mistake. I loved my freshman year, and felt like I had many close friends and was part of a community. For some reason I became obsessed with the idea of getting an apartment the following year. I moved out with a friend, and we had a really nice apartment in a really bad neighborhood. I became a commuter, and never really fit in at school. If I could do it again, I would have stayed on campus at least another year.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

5 random facts about me
inspired by Patrick's suggestion
hopefully I've never shared these facts before
If you like them, I'll write 5 more

1) When I was a kid, I used to hide under my bed and say a prayer every time it rained heavily. Now I don't hide under my bed, but I still get just as anxious. Sometimes I will lay in bed and put the covers over my head and hope that when I wake up the rain will have stopped. I have no idea where this rain anxiety came from, but think it may stem from a movie I watched as a kid where it rained so hard, all living things died and oceans were formed. I know, I have issues. But when I look at things like this I can't help but think one day soon my fears will become a reality.

2) Sometimes I miss the freedom of being fat. (Not that I'm what you'd call skinny now, but I don't think I'm fat either.) That may sound really odd, because there isn't too much that allows you to be free when you're fat. It was hard to go clothes shopping, I often felt insecure, and I hated how I looked. But I ate whatever I wanted, and sometimes I miss that freedom. I hate worrying about what I might gain if I eat a croissant, or a bowl of ice cream. I haven't eaten ice cream since I started my diet last summer! When I'm walking down the aisle at the grocery store I look at the Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with such longing, I can practically taste it on my tongue. But instead I buy weight watchers desserts, or skinny cow desserts, which are tasty and low in points, but not at all the same as Breyer's mint chip. I'm thinking those of you who have struggled with weight will relate, but maybe tis is more of me being crazy.

3) Sometimes I get through an entire day without thinking about Joe. Other days I can't get him off of my mind at all. Every story, every song, every joke, every person on tv all remind me of him. The days when I don't think of him at all are much easier days, but when I think of him I typically don't even get sad anymore. He's become a happy, distant memory for the most part. I'm thankful for that.

4) I'm a little worried about my trip to Montreal this April. Typically April is a very hard month for me. The past three years I have sunk into a deep depression for the whole month, as it is the build up to Joe's death anniversary. April vacation is usually the hardest week of all. I get very moody, cry easily, and don't want to talk. What if this happens while I am away with T? Can I escape this pattern by going away? I certainly hope so.

5) This morning I dropped the boys off at their babysitter's house. Their preschool is closed for the day. They undid their seatbelts, got out of their carseats, opened their doors (power sliding, but still), got out of the car, walked up to the door and rang the bell. Their sitter opened the door and waved at me. I drove away thinking, "How did I get to this point?" My kids have become so independent, and I love it! I'm terrified of starting over with a new baby, and if T and I get married, we will (hopefully) have a baby together. I know that it will be wonderful, but we just got to the easy part! I never even had to put the car in park! How to go back to infant seats, and diapers, and bottles, and night feedings.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ask me anything

I don't have much to say these days
even at therapy today
I was pretty much speechless
I know, it's hard to picture me speechless
but I was
nothing bad is going on
nothing exciting is going on
life is just continuing on its merry way

I want to write something interesting
so help me out
ask me some good questions
and hopefully they'll inspire
a decent entry


Monday, March 24, 2008

Been Busy

I have lots of pictures to share with you
Been a very busy few days
Between Purim
Traveling to and from NJ
in less than 24 hours
and of course
It's been nuts here
all in a good way
but I'm too tired
to download pictures
or share any cute stories
I must conserve all of my energy
tonight is the season premiere
of The Hills
Doesn't get any better than that


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Speaking of Springsteen

Check out this song

In my dream my love was lost, I lived by luck and faith.
I carried you inside of me, and praied it wouldn't be to late.
Now I'm standin' on this empty road, where nothin' moves but the wind...

Back in your arms, back in your arms again..
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.

You said once I was your treasure, and I saw your face in every store
The promises we make at night, oh that's all they are
Unless we fill them with faith and love they're emty as a howlin' wind.
Now darlin' I just wanna be

Back in your arms, back in your arms again..
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.

You came to me with love and kindness, but all my life I've been a prisoner
of my own blindness
I met you with indifference, and I don't know why.

Now I wake from my dream, I wake from my dream to this world.
Where all the shadow and darkness and a dark sky unfurls.
And all the love I've thrown away and lost, honey I'm longing for again.
Now there's nothing that I wouldn't do if I could be

Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dreaming of Someone Lost

You came to me in my dream last night
I could see you, touch you, hear you
your voice was crystal clear
I have missed your voice
had forgotten how deep and strong it was

you sang to me

Like a vision she dances across the porch
as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again

Waking up this morning was hard
I wanted the singing to continue
I wanted you here
I shared my dream with T
he smiled and asked if your voice was
any better than mine

In my dream
it was magical

In my dream
it was magical


Monday, March 17, 2008


Here is the conversation we had in the car today:

Jacob: Mommy look! Balloons are in the sky!

Josh: they are going to daddy, they are going to daddy!

Jacob: Mommy, what will daddy do with all those balloons?

b: I don't know. What do you think he'll do with them?

Jacob: I think he will hand them out to people. When they die and go to heaven, daddy will be waiting for them with balloons.

b: I'll bet you're right. Your daddy sure did love to welcome people to a party.

Inside I had to chuckle. Joe might be handing out cigars to welcome people, but for some reason I can't picture him handing out balloons. Can you?


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Quick Updates

I've stayed away from the computer all weekend. I've actually read an entire novel today! I can accomplish great things when I stay away. I'm sorry that I never reported back about Brooklyn though.

She is fine. She miraculously passed the objects that were clogging up her intestines. (It was a red plastic toy wrapped up in underwear. Don't ask.) She came home Friday night, and appears to be completely back to herself. I must publicly thank Michele, my dear friend from Widow Group. She is a Veterinary Surgeon, and for the second time in Brooklyn's short life, has come to her rescue. Michele, I so appreciate you taking the time to make a house call, and for helping me make the decisions that I made. You are amazing.

I had a great weekend, but ate and drank way too much. On Friday night I went out with two of my cousins whom I almost never get to see. We had an amazing time catching up, and I am so happy that I went out with them. First we had dinner here
followed by drinks here.

Last night my parents took T and I out to celebrate his 30th birthday. We had a fine meal here.
But I made the mistake of drinking too much and eating a huge dessert! Not so much fun once we returned home.

Life is good. I feel content. Hope your weekends went as well.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Brooklyn Update

I just visited her at the hospital
she looks good
they are seeing if they can get the object
to pass on its own
if not gone by tomorrow
she will need surgery
please please please
let it pass on its own
thanks for your well wishes


p.s. T turned 30 today! Despite everything going on, the boys and I baked a cake. We also gave him a wii. T and I will celebrate properly this weekend. Happy 30th T! Welcome to a fabulous decade.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Brooklyn is very sick. Something is stuck in her intestine. She will most likely need surgery. I am a mess. Please keep us in your thoughts.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Guess Who Turned One?
Baby Sophia is no longer a baby!

The Cousins pose (Sophia, Joshua, Ben, Jacob)

It was a music together class, full of music and dancing. Even the grandparents got into it.

The boys were in heaven

Sophia blowing out her candles. Becca and I decorated the homemade cupcakes.

Jen and baby Emma!

I was in heaven holding baby Emma for most of the party!

Happy Birthday, Sophia!

Auntie b
Dear Jen,

I am trying to post the pictures of the party, but blogger is not cooperating!!!! I promise to keep trying.

Meeting The Principal

On the advice of Jacob's preschool teachers, I am meeting with his soon to be principal this Wednesday afternoon. I just wanted to tell her a bit of Jacob's background, and explain to her that he's very quiet and shy, and that he can easily get lost in a crowd. I also plan on telling her about his slight obsession with death, and his sensitivity towards certain subjects.

When I told T that I made an appointment, he immediately asked for the time and location.

"Oh, you want to come with me?" I asked.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be there?"

I had mixed feelings about him coming with me, and I explained them to Mel later that day.

While I am thrilled that T is taking such an interest in Jacob's future. And I am thrilled that he sees himself in the role of Jacob's step-father, I am going in as a widow, and am planning on talking about how the loss of his father has shaped Jacob's personality in some ways. How will it look if I'm there with my boyfriend? Won't that negate everything?

Mel reminded me that no, that doesn't change anything. Jacob's father still died at the age of 31. Jacob's father still died when Jacob was only 10 months old. Jacob's loss is still Jacob's loss, despite the fact that T is now a part of his life. If anything, the principal will be happy to see that Jacob's mom has a supportive boyfriend who cares about Jacob's school experience as much as she does.

And she is right, of course. T belongs at this meeting, and Jacob deserves to have a meeting about him.


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Little Annoyances

I have had a slow leak in my rear passenger tire. By slow I mean fast. I have had to fill it with air every other day. By I, I mean the person who works at the gas station and continues taking pity on my feeble attempts at filling my tire with air. I spent an hour and a half on Sunday waiting for my tire to be diagnosed. At the end of the wait I was told that the leak is not fixable. There is a nail in the edge, and it's not a safe spot to patch it. "Fine," I told the man, "replace it please." Not possible. The tire is not in stock. Argh.

I received a speeding ticket in the mail today. It came from the city of Boston, and says that it's a late notice. a) I never received an original ticket. b) It's dated 1/16/08 at 11:49 am. Guess where I was at that time? Work! Guess where work is located? 30 minutes away from the city of Boston. WTF?????

Brooklyn hates the rain. She is fearless in many ways, but the rain seems to be her big phobia. Strangely enough, it's my phobia as well. I came home tonight to find dog poop everywhere. I sent her outside into the rain, cleaned it up, let her back in, went upstairs to put the boys to bed, and what was waiting for me when I came back down? More poop! She did it again!

I keep getting sick. Not sick enough to stay home from work. Not sick enough to stop my daily routine, but sick enough to just not feel well. I sweat easily, my head hurts, my throat is swollen. It last for three days, goes away for three, comes back for three.

There are minor annoyances. I get that. They are all fixable. But man do they put me in a bad mood!


Sunday, March 02, 2008

I'm Tired
but happily

life is good
yet scary
and overwhelming
and fun

the future
looks promising
yet the unknown
leaves me feeling

my kids
are my favorite people
make me so proud
yet bewilder me

has been an outlet
like no other
the pressure
keeps me motivated

my friends
help me laugh

my family
there are no words
for their importance
in my life

my boyfriend
makes me feel special
holds me tight
every night
loves me
the way I deserve
to be loved