Saturday, December 31, 2005

Good News

We're in NYC! It only took us a little over 3 hours. There was no traffic at all. Josh woke up seeming fine. It feels good to be here. I'll try to post later, but if I don't, Happy New Year to all!


Friday, December 30, 2005

How great is this quote?

Sing like you know the words; dance like no one's watching; and love like it's never going to hurt. ~Unknown

Go Check The Children

They remade that movie! I know that's not the real title, but that's the line that stands out. That is probably the scariest movie I have seen, and the remake just looks terrifying. Although it's only rated PG13, so I guess it can't be too scary. But what a movie to remake. I will not be seeing it. I scare myself plenty without the added imagery of that crap. Remember when the cops call the sitter and tell her that they've traced the call and it's coming from inside the house? Shivers.


p.s. I got a new dishwasher today, and it's amazing. More about it later. I know, the suspense is killing you :O)
Another Disappointment

I don't know if we're going to be able to go to NY after all. Josh is sick. I've tried ignoring his symptoms throughout the day in the hopes that they would disappear (I know, not logical, def. something I got from my mother). But now he's in his crib doing the sick cry. You know, the one where he's not really awake, but not asleep. Crying the most pitiful cry and coughing in between yelps.

The thing is, his ear tubes fell out, and my guess is he may be getting his first ear infection since getting his tubes last April. So we'll see how the night goes, but if this continues I'm not driving in the car with him for 4+ hours. And as much as my sister wants us there, she really doesn't want a sick child there. I don't blame her one bit; she's hosting a big dinner party with amazingly delicious food, and 8 adults. I don't want any sick children there either.

But the thought of being home alone with a sick kid on New Year's Eve is more than a bit depressing.

Cross your fingers that tomorrow's post will be from NY. Or better yet, that I'll be having too much fun in NY to even post.

It could happen, right?


Thursday, December 29, 2005


I had 2 really vivid dreams this morning. One was watching a plane crash in front of me. Was there a plane crash last night? I'll have to look into that. It was a scary dream to say the least.

The other was of Joe. He wasn't dead. We were separated. But he wanted to get back together. So I saw him for the first time in a year and a half. And I showed him all the changes I made to the house. And I showed him the boys. And I just laid in his arms. And it felt so amazingly familiar and good. And I was so happy.

And then, out of nowhere I woke up. And I sat up and said out loud, "where is Joe?" And it took me about 3 minutes to remember that he is dead. I said out loud, "Oh my god, he's dead." I started to cry this horrible cry because it felt so good to have him with me. I wonder when it will sink in to my subconscious that he's dead. Not coming back.

These dreams are so amazing, yet so painful.


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Holiday Rant

I have been hearing and reading a lot about Christmas getting the short end of the stick this year. (stick or rope? I forget) People have become very upset over the fact that Christmas trees in town are now called holiday trees, and kids aren't allowed to sing Christmas carols in school, and people are saying Happy Holiday instead of Merry Christmas.

Well, here's my response to all of that. My sons are Jewish. They are so young that they don't know what being Jewish means yet, but I am trying to teach them. This "holiday" season they have really only been exposed to Christmas. They saw Christmas trees every where they went, Christmas lights everywhere they went, Santa all over the place, and Christmas music everywhere. And in convenient and grocery stores, they have been seeing Christmas products since October!

And so what do my kids want? They want Christmas. Of course they do. Jacob begged me every day for almost a month to buy a Christmas tree and lights. And I kept explaining to him that we're Jewish, and so we'll light the menorah for Hanukkah. Finally, last week he seemed to understand that we do something different than everyone he knows. And I was excited to light the Menorah with the boys each night.

But guess what? I could not find a box of candles to put on my Menorah anywhere. I went to 4 different stores, and none of them had them. So it wasn't until tonight, the 4th night of Hanukkah, that I was able to light the Menorah with my boys. And that's only due to my mother giving me some to use.

So I don't want to hear any more about the fact that people can't say Merry Christmas anymore. Christmas is more alive than ever. But I think it's shameful that the one tradition I wanted to start with my boys, was not able to happen because no stores around me sell items for Hanukkah.

TV Alert

Larry King tonight is having 3 different mediums. I plan on watching and will try to call in :O)

Monday, December 26, 2005

Dysfunctional Families

Is that an oxymoron? Is it possible to have a family that isn't dysfunctional? Mel and I were discussing this the other day, because if it's possible, I'd love for my kids to be able to say when they are grown that they grew up in a "functional" family. But I've been thinking a lot about it, and I can't name a single friend who can claim that they grew up in a functional family. Well, maybe I can think of one or two, but they then married men from dysfunctional families.

Is part of what makes a family a family having some dysfunction? And is that so bad? I mean, I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, and learned many lessons from my mother of how not to be a mother, but I'm sure I will also make plenty of the mistakes I learned from her, as well as create new ones. But I consider myself a highly functioning person (most of the time) despite my upbringing. And my siblings are equally highly functioning people. So in the end, our dysfunctional family didn't prove to be too much of a negative on our adult lives.

The irony is that when Joe was alive I found myself falling into many of the roles that my own mother fell into. Mainly, ignoring problems, because that was much easier than dealing with them. If he were still alive, I can only imagine that I would still be falling into that pattern, and as a result this family would be dysfunctional. But since his death I have really examined my behavior in our relationship, and I have talked about it openly with friends and in therapy. And I am positive that I will never take on the submissive role in a relationship again. Therefore, my kids already have a greater chance of being raised in a functional family.

If that's possible :O)


Saturday, December 24, 2005


I am not a fan of country music. No offense to most of you who enjoy it, but I just can't get into it. In fact listening to it makes me a little bit nuts.

Today I got a surprise package. Upon opening it I discovered a Leann Rimes CD. I said out loud, "Who would send me a Leann Rimes CD?"

Turns out it was from my buddy Vincent who knows that I can't stand country. So I started laughing because I found it to be funny.

Well, not so funny when I called him while still laughing, to thank him.

You see, he did not intend it as a joke. He really thought I would enjoy the singing of Miss Rimes, and made me promise to listen to specific songs that he was sure I would love.

Sorry, Vin. You were really sweet to think of me. I tried listening, and even pulled out the lyrics to read them. But I couldn't tolerate her singing. You cannot convert me to being a country music fan. Believe me, others have tried.

Life Contract Continued

I just read part of my post about the life contract idea posted on someone else's blog. He gave me credit for it, and I am glad my words caused someone to stop and think about the idea. He disagreed with the idea of a life contract, and encouraged everyone to live life to the fullest, and not worry about our eventual date of death. He also doesn't think we should waste our time grieving someone once they are gone, but should instead enjoy our memories of them. I wrote a comment that I hope he didn't take the wrong way. I appreciate the fact that he has a different opinion than mine, and am glad to have an open debate about the topic.

Just to clarify a few things, Joe absolutely did live every minute to the fullest. He lived life more fully than many people do and I doubt that he died with many regrets, other than the fact that he was dying without getting a chance to be a part of his sons' lives.

Joe's death has taught me that life can be short, and we need to live every day like it may be our last. I have done many things this past year that I never would have done prior to Joe's death, because of this lesson. And I don't see the contract as a doomsday date. I just think it's a more peaceful way to think about death, and to maybe explain why deaths that seem to make no sense happen.

But I also need to grieve his loss. And it is a loss. He was my best friend, my partner since I was 15, and the father of my two boys. He made me laugh, he gave me comfort, and he helped me through many tough times. He was a character. When you met Joe, you either loved him or hated him. His presence was unmistakable. He was the best father I could have imagined. He loved staying at home with Jacob, and was so excited when he found out that I was pregnant again, with Josh. He was always planning for our future, and that's the future I saw for my life. So I also need to grieve that future.

But my grieving has not stopped me from living. I am living my life to the best of my abilities. I will always grieve what I lost, but will not stop living for my future.

Peace to you all,

Friday, December 23, 2005


After a full day of school, I am now officially on vacation. I actually had a really good day today. Maybe I should start every day with a positive affirmation. I had a really nice day with my students, but they (or really their parents) went completely overboard with their gifts.

At the end of the day, we did a pretty neat activity. We sat in a circle and went around it saying what we wished for ourselves for the new year, as well as what we wished for the people sitting on either side of us. I so wish I had audio taped it. The wishes they made for each other were so thoughtful and sweet. MB only gets to see his father 2 times a year and TM wished for him to be able to spend more time with him. GS has some bone problems, and KW wished for her to be totally healthy. It was really touching, and of course made me want to cry.

Saying goodbye to them for a week's vacation was really hard. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle saying goodbye at the end of the year. Being with the same class for two years is such an incredible experience, but we have really become like a family, and just the thought of "losing them" breaks my heart. One can only hope that by June I will be so sick of them that the goodbye will come easily :O)

Patrick came over tonight and we enjoyed some yummy takeout and viewed "Fever Pitch." We had fun. The movie was so so. I wouldn't say I recommend it, but had fun watching it.

So all in all, today was the good day I had hoped for.

Today is a new day

I will smile
I will laugh
I will make an effort to be happy
I will have a good day


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Goodbye My Lover

I can't stop listening to "goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt. I highly recommend you download it from itunes. Especially if you're looking for a good cry. The following lyrics are the end of the song:

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I feel like all I've being doing lately on this blog is complain, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to write something witty or funny soon. But for now, the above lyrics pretty much sum me up. The hollowness that I feel is pretty indescribable. Just an empty feeling of false anticipation. I get excited for my evenings of no kids, but then when I get them, I realize that not only do I have no kids with me, I have no one. And I don't even have anything to look forward to.

The holidays are certainly not helping one bit. Everyone I know is getting ready for Christmas with their families. I am feeling pretty worried for this weekend, because I know how hard weekends are for me in general, and this weekend there will be no one around, and nothing to do.

I cried this morning in school before school started. M had to comfort me in the copy machine room. That's always a bad sign. Usually I can pull it together at school.

I am in a downward spiral. But maybe I need to fall. Isn't that what the medium said? Please don't ask me how I am. I will have to lie to you and I don't feel like doing that.

Ugh. Sorry for the whiny post.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Johnny Damon

I had no idea that he was thinking of leaving the Red Sox. That is how little attention I pay to sports these days. Yet when Patrick informed me this morning that he was going to play for the Yankees I literally almost started to cry. And it took me a minute to figure out why I would care enough to cry. But then it hit me.

This is another change that Joe isn't here to witness. I realize that I think of events in terms of BJD (before Joe died) and AJD (after Joe died). This happens with small things, such as a song will come on the radio, and my first thought is, "This song is from BJD" or "Joe never got to hear this song because it's from AJD." But it also happens with big things, like new babies being born. I often think about milestones with Jacob and can't always remember if they are from BJD or AJD. Like, I know Jacob wasn't walking yet when Joe died, but was he standing? Was he eating real food?

I always feel better thinking that Joe was still alive for certain events, and it crushes me to think about all that's happened since he's been gone.

Soon it will be 2006. Joe never lived a day in 2005, but I could still say that he was alive last year. In a couple of weeks, that will no longer be true. So many things have happened since Joe died. Yet I still hang on to the things that remain the same. That may not make sense to anyone, but if it's still the same, then it couldn't be that long ago that Joe died.

Now Johnny Damon will no longer be a member of the Red Sox. One more thing that has happened AJD.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Life Contract

The medium shared with me an interesting idea about life and death. She said that before we enter the world as a baby, we sign a contract with a soul that's leaving. In the contract you pick your date of birth, and your date of death. You obviously don't remember anything about this contract once you've entered the world, but your date has been set, your time on earth predetermined. There's nothing you can do to change the contract once your here.

At widow group last night, before we started discussing sex, we talked about guilt. Guilt we had/have over our husband's dying. What could we have done differently? If we had just___ he'd still be here. I even admitted that there were moments in the hospital that I wished Joe would die. Not because I wanted him to die of course, but because so much damage had already been done to his body (total organ failure, no blood circulation to limbs, etc.) that had he survived, he would simply have been surviving, not living. And anyone who knew Joe, knew how much Joe loved living his life. He was not much of a spectator.

But still, the guilt is there that I had such thoughts at all. The guilt is also there that I didn't fight for his rights more in the ER. I remember being embarrassed by his screaming and kicking from pain. He wasn't even fully admitted, and the nurses kept telling me to try to have him "keep it down" and "he needs to be more patient." And I told those things to Joe. And in hindsight, of course he was screaming in pain! His organs were shutting down for crying out loud! And I repeatedly asked if he could have chicken pox. And I was repeatedly told no. But maybe had I pushed, they would have started treating him and he'd be ok?

But now I think about what the medium said. If there is really such a thing as this contract, then it was Joe's time to go. There was nothing I, or any doctors for that matter could do about it.

It also explains all the seemingly senseless deaths that took the husbands in widow group. And why sometimes children die.

There is a contract. We all sign it. I wonder when mine is up.


Monday, December 19, 2005

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong
Things I learned In Widow Group (not intended for sensitive eyes)

We had a small widow group tonight. Only four of us could make it. But I have to say, and this is not meant to offend anyone in group, because I love you all. This was by far my favorite widow group in a long time. I think sometimes, smaller is better (when it comes to group that is.) I have no preference as to who is at group, because each woman has been an amazing addition to my life. But it's just easier to talk when there are fewer people there.

Tonight we had our one big cry at the beginning. R, I so appreciate you sharing what you shared. I hope it took away some of the guilt you've been carrying around. We love you so much, and are always here for you. But please know, you did nothing wrong, and I don't doubt for a second that any of us put in your position would have done the same thing. Cryptic message? Sorry, you had to be a widow group. What happens at widow group stays at widow group.

However, we did touch on some great topics tonight while polishing off two bottles of wine. We realized that sex after widowhood is beyond amazing. Some of us even learned about new positions that may or may not only be feasible with a well endowed man and long arms. (Told you, this is not for sensitive eyes!!!) Also, some of us may have tried substances in the past that had a positive effect on our sex lives, while others of us found that they had a positive effect on our cleaning styles!

We discussed some equiptment that we should all own, and that I plan on purchasing for some members as soon as I have money again.

We laughed and laughed and laughed. We most likely offended everyone around us, and you know what? We didn't care. Our husbands died. Let us have our fun goddamit!

I am so thankful for widow group. You ladies are more than a support group. I love you all.


Sunday, December 18, 2005


I do believe this was the real deal. That being said, she said some of the same exact things that the medium said this summer, which leads me to believe that this summer's medium was on the right track as well. Thank god I took notes, because even though she's sending me a tape, we spoke for a little over two hours, and there is so much that I want to process now. I have about 8 full pages of notes. (yikes!!!) Here are some of the things in no particular order that she said:

1. She knew about the breakup that I just had. She said there was a 3rd person in the relationship, but it really had nothing to do with me. He wasn't feeding me a load of crap, he really had no other choice but to try this other direction. He feels really badly for this happening right before the holidays, and he will be back in my life again. Joe never liked him though.

2. About Joe:
There is so much about Joe that she got right. He is here with me. I asked for proof, and the porch light went out. She said, "Did your porch light just go out?" God, I have the shivers now just thinking about it.

I asked for nicknames, and he said mine.

I asked about the boys' health. He said to please make sure they get the chickenpox. Nan (the medium) laughed when she said that. I said, "That's how Joe died." She said, "It caused his heart to stop?" I said, "yes."

He said that he watches me on the computer every night, and that he is going to help me find the right person to date.

He held Joshua in his arms before I did (I was still pregnant when Joe died) and Joshua sees him all the time. I need to pay attention to what Josh is looking and pointing at. Even though to me it never makes any sense, he's seeing Joe. They have a really strong connection.

Joe is really sorry. He kept saying he's sorry and was crying. (This happened this summer as well) For what? He said I would know. And I do. And I forgave him. Once I forgave him I swear to god I felt shivers run through me.

He also kept mentioning a red shirt. His last few months here he would always relax in a red fleece zip up. I still have it hanging in the closet.

He also mentioned a broken glass or vase. I'm not sure what that meant, but will think about it.

He feels like he let me down by leaving, but that in the long run, my life will be better. He comes to me in my dreams, and it's really him.

He also plays with me all the time, by having things fall to the floor, or puts them someplace that they weren't before.

He wants me to get an oil change, and to be on the lookout for a problem with the hot water heater.

He hasn't left me at all. He feels closer to me than ever. He is very worried about me. He kept saying that I have tears behind my smile, and when will I let them out? He says that I'm just going through the motions, living behind a plexi glass wall.

He had to go. He had to go. He had to go.

He tried to stay, but it wouldn't have been good if he stayed any longer. He really tried, but he had to go.

Keep reading to the boys. He loves to hear me read.

3. About me:
I have a strong sense of wanting to be alone right now. I need to go with that, and not feel guilty.

I'm less able to deal with things now than I was in the beginning.

I don't let out my feeling enough, and that's why I keep getting sore throats. The words are literally getting stuck in my throat.

I'm meeting my obligations, but it's costing me a lot. I don't like to ask for help, and it's putting a strain on me. If a fall of a ledge, I will be caught.

It will not always be like this. It will not always be like this.

She sees changes for me at the end of January, and major (job) changes for me in March. The changes in March will be good for me, and will make my life easier. Be on the lookout for someone named David.

I will have two more relationships before I meet my husband. The second relationship will almost be the right one. I will meet my future husband through second relationship. I have not met him yet. He's 6"2, solid and fit, salt and pepper hair, strong jaw. (cute, huh?) He won't have any children, but will adopt mine, and we will have a daughter together. This will happen in 2007. I will marry him 6 months after meeting him, because I will know right away that he is the one. No question. I will have a really happy life with him and our kids. Joe will bring him to me when I am ready.

I am not ready yet. Stop trying to jump into things. Take care of yourself first.

There is so much more, but I doubt anyone will even read this much, so I'll stop here.



edited to add:
She kept talking about the wizard of oz, and how my life is like Dorothy's house being caught up in the tornado. But that it would land, and I will walk out of the house and see color again. So I just turned on the television, and what's on? Wizard of Oz. How often is that on tv? And on the channel my tv turns on to?
This is the latest guy interested in me. He lives in Israel.

oh, joy!

A little about me...
hi i do conern about money HI

What are you looking for in a partner?
I like smart and handsome women for short term relationship

I'd just like to add...
I like to watch moviesand play out doors

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Medium Update

So the medium messed up and wrote 9pm instead of 7pm in her book. She feels horribly and is going to give me some money back, and send me a copy of her book.

We are now scheduled for tomorrow night at 6:30.

Stay tuned....


Friday, December 16, 2005

New Dating Site

I joined a new dating site today. Well, it's not a new site, but it's new for me. It's called I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to try dating someone with kids as well. It is a very interesting site, to say the least.

First of all, many of the men do not have any children. Second of all, many of these men are not wearing shirts in their pictures. Third of all, many of them, when stating what type of relationship they are looking for (serious, casual, etc.) state that they are looking for a pen-pal.

A pen-pal? What? How do pen-pals and dating sites go together? And what are men without children doing on a site for single PARENTS? And what's with the no shirts? I mean really. Women like to see pictures of potential partners wearing clothes. Let us use our imaginations if we'd like (although I would not like, thank you very much).

I've had a few men contact me already. Where do they live? Well, one of these shirtless, childless men lives in Palestine! But luckily, he's only looking for a pen-pal.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Medium Appt.

This Saturday night I have a hot phone date with a medium. She comes highly recommended by the widow board, and I really liked my very brief conversation I had with her while setting up my session. She costs $100, and the session should last around 90 minutes. She will tape the conversation and send it to me in the mail.

I saw a medium this summer, but I'm pretty sure she was a fraud. I left very disappointed. I like the fact that this medium won't be able to read my facial expressions, especially because I don't have the best poker face.

She told me to drink an 8 OZ glass of water an hour before she calls, not to drink any alcohol and not to smoke the day of. I also have to have 3 questions ready. She said that usually the 3 questions are answered before the end of the session anyways, but it's a good idea to have some focus questions ready just in case.

So, now the question is, what are my questions?

Did you really fight as hard as you could to live? Or did you give up for some reason?

Did you hear me telling you that it was ok to go, and that we'd be ok? And is that why you left? Because I have had the most guilt over that. I should have kept telling you to stay and fight.

Can you see us? Are you proud of us? Have I disappointed you?

Is there anything you want to tell me?

Who are you with? Where are you? How do you spend your time?

What signs have you given me? How do I know when you're here with me? Do the boys see/talk to you?

Do you know how much I miss you? Is there any way you can come back, just for a minute, so I can feel your touch?

Do you see a future husband for me? Where is he?

I guess that's more than 3 questions. Which ones do I pick?

Third Grade Quotes

I know that my students pick up on my moods, but two of them just wrote quotes about death. I know that realistically Joe is not talking to me through them, but holy crap!

"Yesterday was my funeral, today's your birthday. I'm in heaven, but my heart is still pumping for you"

"I'm in my coffin, fast asleep. It's as dark as dark can be. Yet, I see a light in the corner, because I know you are there with me."

"When I hear you crying, I want to be there with you, but I know I can't."

I am totally blown away.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Shirts in the closet, shoes in the hall
Mama's in the kitchen, baby and all
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
But you're missing

Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chair
Papers on the doorstep, you're not there
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
But you're missing

Pictures on the nightstand, TV's on in the den
Your house is waiting, your house is waiting
For you to walk in, for you to walk in
But you're missing, you're missing
You're missing when I shut out the lights
You're missing when I close my eyes
You're missing when I see the sun rise
You're missing

Children are asking if it's alright
Will you be in our arms tonight?

Morning is morning, the evening falls I have
Too much room in my bed, too many phone calls
How's everything, everything?
Everything, everything
You're missing, you're missing

God's drifting in heaven, devil's in the mailbox
I got dust on my shoes, nothing but teardrops

It's amazing to me that this song still rings as true to me today as it did a year ago. As far as I've come, as much as I like to think I've moved on, Joe is forever missing.

Patrick and I went to see the dance recital of a few girls in our class tonight. You know what I saw? Dads. Everywhere. Video taping their kids. Huge smiles across their faces.

My boys do not have a dad. He is missing. He is gone. And that sucks.


Monday, December 12, 2005


I feel like after all I've been through, and all my widow friends have been through, we should be immune to new pain. But we're not. This pain that I'm feeling right now is not the same pain that I felt watching Joe die, nor is it the pain that I feel when I'm missing him.

It's a new sensation; a cross between feeling rejected and missing ex terribly. There is nothing I would love to do more right now than call him on the phone. And I get that feeling about Joe all the time, but I know I can't call him. With ex, it's taking everything in my power to resist picking up the phone, dialing, and crying to him to please take me back.

Don't worry, I won't do it, but that's what I want.

The strange thing is, I actually had a really good day today. School went well, widow group was fun. We even laughed over the fact that Joe should have been dead when he had a temp of 92 degrees. ("How could he live like that?" "He didn't" "Don't you understand why B's here?" "Wait, I've been in the wrong group this whole time! I thought this group was for sex addicts!) Only widow group could laugh at such a story.

But now I'm home. Sitting on my couch. And there is no one here for me to recount my day to. No one to laugh at my silly stories with. No one to make fun of me. No one to make me feel special. And that's why I have this stupid blog. I have to write out my stories on the f-ing web to share! How ridiculous is that?

And I miss Joe. And I miss ex. And I hurt in a new, unfamiliar way. And none of this would be happening if Joe didn't get the f-ing chicken pox!!!!!!!!

Pass me the immunity statue. It's my turn.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
My Instincts Were Right

He broke up with me this morning.


Because someone he has always had a crush on informed him last Sunday that she now wants a relationship with him. She's all he could think about all week. Even while he was here this weekend, sleeping with me, he was thinking of her. I am not making that part up; he told me himself.

I liked him so much.

This sucks.


Friday, December 09, 2005

Word to the Wise

Do not drink two drinks containing vodka and then eat nachos. Bad combination. I don't feel so well now.

But...I had so much fun tonight. Please let's do this again soon.

I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember laughing an awful lot.

Today was a great day overall. Was slightly panicked when I realized that I would be spending an entire day inside with the boys. But then Mel and the girls came over for the morning. We were able to organize the playroom, and it looks so much better. As does the living room. We then took a very long nap (the boys and I).

Oh, and this might not be appropriate to post. The drinks are still affecting my judgment, but I think this is a really funny story, so I'm going to share.

Gave the boys a bath. After bath, brought them in there room to get them dressed.

J: OH no! Mommy look at my penis! It shrunk! (Grabs said penis) All better. I have a big penis again.

Where the hell did that come from?

Off to sleep of this disgusting feeling I have.


Thursday, December 08, 2005


My favorite widow book is called "Companion Through the Darkness." I highly recommend it to my widow friends. I've been rereading it recently for inspiration. Here are some of my favorite quotes from it:

The act of accepting forced change;
a constant state of my existence,
in varying degrees from white hot to disgruntlement;
a sign that I am truly alive.

A momentary lapse into sanity,
where I realized that my insanity is a sane reaction
to an utterly insane event.

The place I find myself caught in;
not the past, not the present, and not yet the future.
Utter emptiness.

Hanging on:
Something I do,
but I don't know why.

The total insanity
that followed in the months after he died,
from which I have emerged different,
taller, stronger, more armored, more soft;
the process of sorting the seeds
into manageable, orderly piles.

The maze of thoughts
I have about where you went.

A state of being
that I don't believe
will ever come to me again.

The state I use to survive
seemingly endless moments
of intolerable pain.

The feeling I have now for even the smallest progress,
for my expectations are so low I am difficult to disappoint.

When I forget that to trade places
with another is simply to trade problems;
the state I find myself in
when I think that my pain, my tragedy
is greater than anyone else's.

The life you left behind to keep me living.

The rasp that opens my shameful wound;
the look on people's faces
where they haven't a clue what to say to me,
and when (I suspect) they want to believe
that it will never happen to them.

Transitional Lover:
A person who took me across the gulf
between your death and my life.

The moment I realized
he was never coming home again.

Something that still exists
if I listen
and follow the signs.
Something that breathes hope into me
when I least expect it.
A Poll:
Will there be school tomorrow?

My vote: No

I know that there will likely be school, but I'm going to go out on a limb. Also, my psychic abilities have been somewhat strong recently. That's not a joke, it's true.

For example, I have a strong feeling boyfriend will not call tonight, and I will have to call him, and it won't be a good conversation, and I'll go to sleep unsure of the future with him. But I will be sure of one thing.

There will be no school tomorrow.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Feeling Worried

I know, shocking to those of you that know me well. I tend to worry about just about everything, but I have gotten much better than I used to be.

Why am I worried now? Because I've convinced myself (yet again) that boyfriend is done with me. This is why dating sucks! There is no security, who knows how he feels about me?!

He told me on Sunday that this week was going to be ridiculously busy at work. And I absolutely believe him. I spoke to him on Monday night at 9:30 and he had just left a meeting, and had no plans for leaving the office.

Last night I left him a message saying that I know he's busy, so not to worry about calling me back. But then he didn't call me back, so of course I worry. I just called him again, and he answered. He quickly asked if he could call me back, and I said of course. Now I'm sitting here waiting for him to call feeling like he's going to break up with me when/if he calls.

I hate that I do this. Advice?

Update on previous post

He called. He's still at work, of course. He sounded really unhappy. As unhappy as I've ever heard him. But not with me, with work. He didn't want to get into it, but it sounds like things aren't going so well on this particular job. He did say he was going to working really late, and wanted to call me before it got much later. He asked me how I am, and if anything new is going on. But then he had to get back to work. And I am left feeling like he's not into me anymore.

It's not all about me!!!!!! Ugh. It's not all about me. He's allowed to have a bad day/week at work, and I should not take it personally. I have nothing to do with his job.

I'm so messed up.


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Go check out this site. It is absolutely hilarious. I would add it as a link, but can't figure out how to do that.
Food For Thought

When I was little, I always asked my mom what we were going to have for dinner. I would ask this question before eating breakfast. If the answer was, "A new recipe" I would immediately become upset. I needed to know exactly what I would be eating, and if I liked it or not. The only thing that upset me more than the new recipe response, was when what I was told in the morning changed before dinnertime. This would cause me to actually have a meltdown. I think that this may have had to do with my childhood being quite unpredictable. The one thing I (thought) I could count on was dinner.

Why am I writing about this now? Because I realize that I still do this. I decide in the morning what I'll be eating for dinner, and whatever I pick sticks. I don't let myself change my original idea, even if I'm not hungry. Does anyone else do this? I have been struggling with the reason that I do this, and tonight it clicked for me; it's the same as when I was a kid. It's all about having some type of control when everything else seems pretty much outside of my control.

So now I just have to train myself to pick healthy choices for dinner when I wake up in the morning. Yogurt anyone?


Monday, December 05, 2005

A Tale of Two Households

Mel's house tonight: Mel brought home a gift basket that she won in a raffle. Her 2 daughters spent the next 45 minutes quietly "decorating" the basket with the tissue paper that came in it. Meanwhile, Mel cooked dinner.

My house: While trying to book my flight to Austin, I continuously had to break up fights between my two sons (who are, by the way, pretty much the same ages as Mel's girls). Was incredibly thankful, therefore for the few minutes of total silence while I got my confirmation information for my flights.

Hung up the phone, walked into still quiet living room only to find both boys sitting on couch, separated by the contents of a large bag of pretzels spilled between them. While I am trying to make sense out of the mess in front of me, Jacob proudly announces, "Mommy, I put toothpaste on the pretzels!" Cue cute smile.


Sunday, December 04, 2005

Bombdiggity Weekend

That's a good thing, as Patrick and I learned from the movie, "Bring it on...again." My weekend started out watching this movie classic with Patrick after dining on some tasty thai food. We turned the movie into a drinking game (God, we are so mature). We had to drink every time someone cheered. Needless to say, we both had plenty to drink. The movie was more entertaining than you might imagine; there were twists galore, and the characters showed such depth, I'm surprised there was never an oscar nominee out of it. Or maybe I drank too much. Either way, fun night.

Saturday was actually a really fun day with the boys. I can't remember what we did, but I know they both napped at the same time for 2 hours.

Yesterday afternoon I picked up boyfriend for the night. He's really good for me. Makes me laugh ridiculously hard, and is amazing in many many ways. We watched, "Mad Hot Ballroom." It was a great documentary (and this time I wasn't drinking) about a ballroom dance program that was implemented in all NYC public schools after 9/11. It teaches 5th graders to dance, and at the end of the program there is a "dance off." I highly recommend it to people who like watching kids be kids. If kids annoy you, don't see it.

Today we hung out and had a leisurely morning together. The boys took another convenient 2 hour nap, which allowed boyfriend and I to get some more quality time together. :O)

All in all, one of the best, most relaxing weekends I've had in a very long time. It was the bombdiggitiest. Thanks to all involved.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

Random Blog Entry

I'm very tired due to conferences all day, so please forgive me if this doesn't make sense.

Last night I saw John Holland. There were 600 people there, so the chances of Joe coming through to me were not very good, yet I still had the feeling that he would. It was very disappointing when, yet again, John Holland announced that he was done, and Joe hadn't made an appearance. One neat thing that John Holland said was that the moment where you are falling asleep, but are jolted awake, is the doing of the spirits. They are trying to get our attention. I love that idea, because Joe used to always make fun of me for doing that all the time. Maybe he now has something to do with it. Also, upon leaving last night, I went to make a phone call. When I pressed "send" on my cell phone, I heard Joe laugh. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. He laughed in my phone.

I am looking forward to going to sleep, but feel compelled to stay up for The Apprentice. This blog is as close to reality TV as I'll ever get.

I wrote out all of my addresses for holiday cards tonight. Yay me.

Must go sleep.


Wednesday, November 30, 2005

John Holland Update

No Joe.

Too tired to write more.

No Joe.


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

John Holland

Tomorrow night Mel and I are going to see again. Last year when we saw him, I was completely blown away by the things he said. Both of us were skeptical going in, but were true believers upon leaving. My favorite thing he said was that as the spirit leaves a dying person, it travels through the unborn. As Joe was dying, I had one hand on his head, and the other on his hand. My pregnant belly was touching his side. As he died, I believe his spirit passed through Joshua inside me. Therefore, Joe's spirit will forever live inside Joshua. It explains a lot of Joshua's serious personality, and even possibly why he may have inherited the disease that Joe suffered from.

The only disappointing thing about last year's visit was that Joe didn't come through to me. And for some reason, I had it in my head that the readings would go on until 9:30. So at 9:00, when he announced that he was done, I began crying hysterically. I wasn't prepared for it to be over, and I was so very hopeful that Joe would come through to me.

So please Joe, tomorrow night, push all the other spirits out of the way, and come through to me. Tell me that you did make it snow, and that you do see how amazing your sons are turning out, and that you miss us just as much as we miss you.

Because boy oh boy, do we miss you.


Sunday, November 27, 2005

Give Me A K!

This is the beginning of the cheer Patrick and I came up with on our ride home from the regional cheerleading competition today in Rhode Island. Please, somebody tell me if I ever become a cheerleading mom. You know the type, obnoxiously loud when her daughter's team is up. Carrying around bizarre cheer paraphernalia that only others in the stands can see. Clearly trying to live vicariously through her daughter. We saw many, many of these today. But we also saw some great cheers that have inspired us to create our own. It will be the cheer of all cheers, and all of my loyal readers (Hi Jenn, Melanie and Nikki) can view this cheer in it's entirety in June. I had a fun day and am looking forward to our future plan to view the direct to video classic, "Bring it on 2." Patrick, make sure "you bring it!"

In other news, Thanksgiving was better than I had anticipated. I have found over the past year that this is often the case. The anticipation of a particular date is often way harder for me than the actual date. Thank you Nikki for talking to me on Wednesday when I was just so sad missing Joe. I appreciate that you let me be sad, and don't try to make me feel better. That's what I need at times.

Also, a really cool thing happened yesterday. We (boys, boyfriend and myself) were driving to the museum together. Nice day out. Jacob suddenly demands, "Mommy, make it snow now." I said, "Honey, I have no control over the weather, and it's too warm for snow." As soon as that was out of my mouth, what happens? Snow. Not just one snowflake, but lots of snow. Tell me Joe didn't have something to do with that!

Hmmm, this was an incredibly random blog entry, but I haven't had time over the past few days to post, and I wanted to share all of this.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

So Thanksgiving has hit me harder than I thought it would. I wrote last week that this year I would be able to be thankful for what I had, have, and will have. But I just miss Joe so much. It's hard to feel anything other than that. But I will try. Here's my list of things I am thankful for:

1. My 2 amazing sons
2. Great siblings
3. Friends that put up with my crazy crap and support me in ways that I don't think I could ever have imagined
4. A job that I love (almost always)
5. A house that I love
6. A great sporty minivan :O)
7. A support group filled with women that I adore
8. A really nice (dare I say?) boyfriend that I enjoy spending my weekends with
9. Enough money to pay my bills
10. My memories

Happy Thanksgiving


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

For That, I am Thankful
by Darcie D. Sims

It doesn't seem to get any better...
but it doesn't get any worse, either.
For that, I am thankful.
There are no more pictures the be taken...
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.
There is a missing chair at the table...
but the circle of family gathers, close.
For that, I am thankful.
The turkey is smaller...
but there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.
The days are shorter...
but the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.
The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear and they still cost too much...
but I am still here.
For that, I am thankful.
The room is still empty, the soul still aches...
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.
The guests still come, the dishes pile up...
but the dishwasher works.
For that, I am thankful.
The name is still missing, the words unspoken...
the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.
The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.
The stillness remains...
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.
The moment is gone...
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful...
Love was once (and still is)
a part of my being...
for that, I am living.
I am living...and for that I am thankful.
Random Thoughts of Unfairness

1. M from group has MS
This I just don't understand. Too cruel, too unfair, too ridiculous.

2. Someone looked at a picture of Josh today and asked me if he had Joe's eyes, and I couldn't answer the question because I can't remember what Joe's eyes look like. I realize I can look at a picture, but am trying to picture them from memory, and I can't. I also can't remember his voice. I know it was deep, but I can't hear it in my head.

3. This will be my second Thanksgiving without Joe. I remember our last Thanksgiving together we played a murder mystery game. Jacob was 5 months old, and I was pregnant with Josh, but we hadn't told anyone yet. Joe was really funny that night. He was a funny guy.

4. I miss him.

5. Joshua will never have a single picture with his father.

6. Jacob will never fully understand how similar he is to his father.

7. I can't afford preschool for both boys without asking for help.

8. I have a whole group of friends who are in a very similar situation to mine. We are all good people, and none of us deserve this.

9. I will always wonder what my life would have been like if Joe were still here.


Monday, November 21, 2005

Group Tonight

Thank god for Monday night group. The best thing I could have done after Joe died was join this amazing group of women. They inspire me, comfort me, laugh with (and at) me, and love me unconditionally. I can share with them the ups and downs of my daily life, and they always act like they want to hear more. I'm not sure I could have made it through this past year without them.

Our poor waiters have no idea what to do with us. Sometimes they walk by and we are laughing so hard, tears are rolling down our cheeks. Sometimes they walk by and we are crying so hard, tears are rolling down our cheeks. They may hear us talking about dating, or sex, (or lack thereof) or about watching our husbands die in front of our eyes. Typically, all of these subjects are touched upon at some point during the night.

I have no doubt that our husbands are all together watching us on Monday nights, drinks and cigars in hand, so pleased with themselves for getting us together. Thanks guys. We miss you beyond words, but are so thankful you helped us find one another.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Freaking Out

I am basically having a panic attack because the guy I've been dating hasn't returned my message that I left a little over 2 hours ago. We had an amazing weekend together, I dropped him off this afternoon, and now I've convinced myself that he's done with me.

Why do I do this to myself? I think that I don't understand why anyone would want to be with me, because of all that I bring with me. As much as I am so incredibly thankful that I've got my sons, dating would be a hell of a lot easier without them. But I'd still have the dead husband baggage. And that's pretty heavy baggage. And the fear of abandonment baggage due to the dead husband dying without any chance for closure.

I was IM'ing this with Vincent, and he gave me some pretty good advice. I told him I was worried it was too much for guy I'm seeing, and Vincent said:
if it was, he'd tell you
until then start respecting him
respect his judgement
respect that he can decide for himself
and then be a big boy and tell you what he wants when he's ready

Amazing advice. Now how do I do that?


Saturday, November 19, 2005

I hate when by boys need a nap, and they know they need a nap, yet they refuse to take a nap. This is happening right now. And I am getting frustrated because I need a nap. Or at least a few minutes of quiet alone time.

Please, Oh God of Naps, put my darling sons to sleep so they can be darling again. I know I pray to you on a weekly basis, but this time I really mean it!


Friday, November 18, 2005

Bad Habits

I have many.

1. Starting the wash and not switching laundry to dryer, therefore having to rewash clothes because they get all gross sitting in the washer. This used to drive Joe absolutely insane, which is slightly ironic, because he never once did the laundry in all our years living together. You'd think that if it bothered him so much, he would just have started doing it himself. But I digress. I don't know why I don't switch it. I'm just too tired to walk down to the basement. Tomorrow I'll be cursing myself for being so lazy, and having nothing to wear as a result.

2. Eating more than my fair share. This one is particularly disturbing to me because I feel like I should care about it more than I do. Every so often I'll get really mad at myself for not losing more weight after having the babies, but the rest of the time, I just don't care. If Joe were here, he would be very upset with my appearance. Maybe this is about some strange type of control? But it's out of control.

3. Checking e-mail incessantly. Don't think this needs an explanation, but wish I could go for longer's not like I get that many emails.

4. Interrupting conversations

Can't think of any others right now, but if you know me and can think of one (or 5) feel free to tell me.
Overheard conversation between 2 of my third graders:

J: Where do you want to go to college?

M: Boston College. What about you?

J: Well, nobody in my family has gone to Yale yet, so I think I'll go there.

M: That's good. After college I'm going to play for the Red Sox.

J: OH! My brother (who's 6) is going to try out for them!

M: Cool.

...if only life were so simple


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thanksgiving is in one week, and I haven't done a single thing to prep for it! For some reason, I always insist on hosting this holiday. J and I used to always host our families, and it was such a great day. Last year, Thanksgiving was a big turning point for me. I actually wrote about it in my journal. Here's what I wrote:

I am supposed to be thankful today, why does that feel impossible?

My house is filled with people; my sister and her family, my brother and his, my parents, cousins, kids, everyone is here. Everyone but Joe. He died 7 months ago in a hospital bed from the chicken pox. I know what you’re thinking. The same thing everyone thinks. Chicken pox? How is that possible? It'’s possible. Dead at age 31. Dead leaving behind a wife who loved him dearly. Dead leaving behind a 10 month old son who adored him. Dead leaving behind a son to be born in July who would never know him. Dead. IÂ’m supposed to be feeling thankful; for what I still have, for what I had. Instead I just feel utter emptiness.
I leave my house while everyone is eating. I can'’t bear to listen to the chatter of useless gossip. "who cares?" I feel like shouting, "“Joe’s dead!" Instead I walk out my front door. Not speaking to anyone. I am sure my family will watch over my boys, they will be fine. I walk around the block, tears streaming uncontrollably. Suddenly I feel myself changing. I am sick of being so sad, sick of feeling empty, sick of being alone. I can’t take this any more. I am going to make a change.

I'll never forget that instant where I got so fed up with being so damn sad all the time. When I look back at this past year, I can't believe how far I've come from that hopeless, lost soul, wandering around her neighborhood. This year, I think I can actually feel thankful for what I have, for what I had, and for my future.

Now...what to cook? Suggestions?


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Relaxed Alert

This term was first introduced to me 10 years ago. I was a camp counselor at a day camp in Weston, MA. I was in charge of 21 six year olds, and was to never take my eyes off of them. My only "break" was during free swim. While the kids had free swim, counselors were allowed to lay by the pool and relax.

Well, not exactly relax, I soon learned. The director of the camp made me aware that I needed to be on relaxed alert. Huh? I was allowed to lay down and relax, but always needed to be alert enough to notice if there was a problem.

Since learning this new term, I have often felt like I am on relaxed alert. Even when I am supposedly relaxed, I'm alert, waiting for something to go wrong. How I would so love to just relax completely. To let myself enjoy a moment to the fullest.

When I think of all the relaxing moments that I've wasted by being on relaxed alert, I could just scream. My new goal is to learn how to relax and enjoy a moment to the fullest.

Wish me luck.
Jacob Wants Girl Underwear...should I be worried? :O)

Jacob's friends are all becoming potty trained. Jacob couldn't care less about such things. He does love his potty though. He carries it with him throughout the house, and stands on it to reach things he isn't supposed to be reaching.

Melanie's daughter, Rebecca, is now potty trained and tells everyone she sees that she is wearing big girl underwear. (she calls them underpants, but that's my least favorite word in the english language, so I'll call them underwear) Last night I was changing Jacob's diaper, and we had the following conversation:

Jacob: I want to wear big girl underwear.

Me: You mean you want to wear big boy underwear?

Jacob: No, big girl underwear!

Me: Like Becca?

Jacob: Yes.

Me: How about big boy underwear like Ryan?

Jacob: NO, big Girl underwear!!!!

hmmm. Would it be very damaging to him if I let him?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I am attempting to write my very first blog entry, after encouragement from my sister. For some reason I have started reading all of the blogs out there, and thought maybe it would be fun to try my hand at it. Not that I have anything of interest to say.

Hmmm, what to tell you about me? I currently seem to have a stalker. Well, maybe not a stalker, but close to it. I met him at my cousin's wedding. He was so very cute, and funny, and nice. Was also rather cocky. Saw me from across the room (so he says), came over and told me that he didn't know anyone there. I told him to stick with me, I knew many there. We hung out for the evening and had some nice talks. I told him that my husband died last year (he was only 31) and that I had 2 small children at home. He told me that he had a serious girlfriend who would soon be moving in. The wedding ended, we said goodbye. That was the end. Or so I thought.

Then yesterday I came home from work and saw a large package sitting on my porch. A package? For me? So exciting. I opened it up and found 22 items in this box, all from wedding guy. In case you're curious as to what the 22 items could possibly be, I made an itemized list:

1. Book, "The Prophet"
inscribed: " You made quite the impression on me. Quite smitten. I am not religious, but if I was to live by a code, this would be it. Such beauty. Such passion. A few things I read and thought of you.
bookmarked are pages 17, On children, p. 29, On joy and sorrow, p. 35, on clothes

2. Box of 10 Crayola washable kid's paint

3. Pet Love Mainecoon memo pad

4. comic strip "This Modern World"

5. Stuffed animal fish that talk when squeezed

6. New England Journal of Med sept. 22, 2005 "A sad day for science at the FDA"

7. toy robot

8. sticker of a dog with sunglasses

9. sticker of girl barely dressed with stickers of clothing to dress her with

10. video "Keeping the Faith"

11. Unopened container of fake dog poop

12. viagra keychain

13. Robot # 2

14. Fart powder

15. toy parachute

16. kitten magnet

17. teddy bear with "I miss you" shirt

18. toy pig

19. stuffed hedgehog

20. wind up eye

21. incredible hulk keychain

22. toy snake

WTF?????? Does this list make any sense to anyone? How could someone seem so normal, and then think to send me such random crap?