Immunity
I feel like after all I've been through, and all my widow friends have been through, we should be immune to new pain. But we're not. This pain that I'm feeling right now is not the same pain that I felt watching Joe die, nor is it the pain that I feel when I'm missing him.
It's a new sensation; a cross between feeling rejected and missing ex terribly. There is nothing I would love to do more right now than call him on the phone. And I get that feeling about Joe all the time, but I know I can't call him. With ex, it's taking everything in my power to resist picking up the phone, dialing, and crying to him to please take me back.
Don't worry, I won't do it, but that's what I want.
The strange thing is, I actually had a really good day today. School went well, widow group was fun. We even laughed over the fact that Joe should have been dead when he had a temp of 92 degrees. ("How could he live like that?" "He didn't" "Don't you understand why B's here?" "Wait, I've been in the wrong group this whole time! I thought this group was for sex addicts!) Only widow group could laugh at such a story.
But now I'm home. Sitting on my couch. And there is no one here for me to recount my day to. No one to laugh at my silly stories with. No one to make fun of me. No one to make me feel special. And that's why I have this stupid blog. I have to write out my stories on the f-ing web to share! How ridiculous is that?
And I miss Joe. And I miss ex. And I hurt in a new, unfamiliar way. And none of this would be happening if Joe didn't get the f-ing chicken pox!!!!!!!!
Pass me the immunity statue. It's my turn.
-B
5 comments:
Writing your stories on the f-ing web is not ridiculous. I love and appreciate that you do it. I learn, laugh and cry with you every day. Hang in there. Lean on us. It will get better. -m
You have all of us to recount your stories to always anytime anyplace anywhere ALWAYS.........N
Hey there,
I was just browsing blogs and came across yours.
What struck me is that:
1. We about the same age, but I've never been married, nor do I have children of my own
2. Refer to #1 and it would appear that we're in two totally different stages of life.
But, despite those first two immediate impressions, I've experienced the death of people close to me, and it's something I know words could never "make better".
And you know what? We all have our struggles and despair over things in our own way, and it's in the midst of those struggles that I realize everyone can relate, no matter what the circumstances tell you.
SO, whether I am married, or purple or 3-eyed, my heart goes out to you and yours. Hang in there. I'm reading, and I'm praying for you. I'll be back from time to time to read your posts.
Take care, do what you can now, and let yourself feel whatever you want and need to feel.
*hugs*
Ramblingmuse,
Thanks so much. I appreciate your kind words. You're right, we all can relate to one another on some level. I hope you check in again.
-B
Hang in there.:)
It will get better.
I had an uncle who had a freak accident and was in a coma for 4 months before passing away. It took a long while for the family to get on its legs, so to speak.
I'm reading and relating. I will definitely be back to read how you are doing.
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