Life Contract Continued
I just read part of my post about the life contract idea posted on someone else's blog. He gave me credit for it, and I am glad my words caused someone to stop and think about the idea. He disagreed with the idea of a life contract, and encouraged everyone to live life to the fullest, and not worry about our eventual date of death. He also doesn't think we should waste our time grieving someone once they are gone, but should instead enjoy our memories of them. I wrote a comment that I hope he didn't take the wrong way. I appreciate the fact that he has a different opinion than mine, and am glad to have an open debate about the topic.
Just to clarify a few things, Joe absolutely did live every minute to the fullest. He lived life more fully than many people do and I doubt that he died with many regrets, other than the fact that he was dying without getting a chance to be a part of his sons' lives.
Joe's death has taught me that life can be short, and we need to live every day like it may be our last. I have done many things this past year that I never would have done prior to Joe's death, because of this lesson. And I don't see the contract as a doomsday date. I just think it's a more peaceful way to think about death, and to maybe explain why deaths that seem to make no sense happen.
But I also need to grieve his loss. And it is a loss. He was my best friend, my partner since I was 15, and the father of my two boys. He made me laugh, he gave me comfort, and he helped me through many tough times. He was a character. When you met Joe, you either loved him or hated him. His presence was unmistakable. He was the best father I could have imagined. He loved staying at home with Jacob, and was so excited when he found out that I was pregnant again, with Josh. He was always planning for our future, and that's the future I saw for my life. So I also need to grieve that future.
But my grieving has not stopped me from living. I am living my life to the best of my abilities. I will always grieve what I lost, but will not stop living for my future.
Peace to you all,
-B
5 comments:
I hope I didn't take the comment the wrong way either. ;)
It is outstanding that your grieving has not stopped you from living. However, that has not been the case for me.
Maybe I'm too logical. Maybe it's too soon after my mothers death. I can't stop grieving for her and I feel that my grieving isn't helping my life. I just starting reading your blog and discovered that after a year you are still trying to make some sense out of Joe's death. That scares me.
I feel like my life has stalled since my mother has died. I feer that if I allow myself to grieve for a year the way I have been grieving that my life will be stalled for a year.
That is why I am trying to will myself to grieve in a way that does not stall my life. A way of grieving that is not so all consuming.
I know I'll always grieve for her, and you will always grieve for Joe. Everyone will grieve for someone at one point. My hope is that our lives do not stop because thiers did.
Blessed Be
Grapple,
I don't know how long ago your mother died, but you're right, you will always grieve her. The way you grieve her however, will change.
If I didn't have my kids, I think I would have most likely curled up in my bed and would still be there now. But that wasn't an option...I had to keep living for them.
And now you have Chloe. You will see things through her eyes, and life will begin to amaze you again. And there will be many times (like Christmas, for example) that you will be at a loss for why your mother is gone. And then you will look into your baby's eyes, and believe in the goodness of the world again.
Hang in there.
-B
I debated whether to share more in this post, but I decided I will...
My father passed away when I was 16 and it's something one never "gets over". I live life fully and I certainly "get" how short life can be, but you cope as well as you can, enjoy life the best way that you can, but there will always be moments when something out of the blue will make me wonder...wonder what he would have said...or know how he would have reacted...and sometimes those moments make me cry like it just happened yesterday.
I certainly get wistful when I think about all the milestones he has/or will miss in my life, and sometimes I still get upset over silly things, like how my older siblings had more time with him (as if that could be helped) or the fact that he left my life at a time (my teenage years) when his presence was very critical.
I don't know. I just know that sometimes people don't know what to do with their grief, so instead of letting themselves feel and express the emotions, they tend to busy themselves and ignore the significance of the loss.
My conclusions on grief and loss? Allow yourself to grieve. Find a good support group (sometimes we just can't go to close family or friends - those relationships aren't always the best place to share such things), and take things one day at a time. Seize the day and know to hold on to things that really matter, those small moments of joy and connection and love that you have in all those "ordinary" moments of life. *That* is what true living is all about.
Blessings and hope to you all.
With love,
The Rambling Muse
I wonder if the other blogger has lost anyone significant in his life. It's so easy to say what people "should" do when you haven't been in their shoes. Maybe he has had a major loss. But still, I wonder - has he really healed? Is he really living his life, or just pretending.
B, I have said this before, but I can't say it enough. You have lived your life in the past 20 months showing such strength, grace and courage. Although the boys are so young, they may not later remember - you have modeled for them some of the most important things there are. They are (and will be) better people for having you as a mother. They are (and I am) so lucky to have you.
Thanks for being such an amazing person and friend. -m
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