Sunday

I awoke to the phone ringing at 5:40 am. My neighbor was calling to say that Jacob had awakened, and she didn't have any formula to give him. (He was only 10 months at the time, so he wasn't yet drinking milk.) I walked across the street and brought my baby home.

It was a rainy day, and I was exhausted from the previous day, so when Jacob fell back asleep, I took the opportunity to sleep as well.

We woke up around 9, and I started calling Joe's cell phone. There was no answer for hours. Finally, around noon, he called me. He had just been given a room. For almost 24 hours he had been lying next to the nurse's station. He was beyond exhausted, and told me that he just wanted to sleep. I told him that I wanted to visit him, but he said not to bother, just to let him sleep.

My school had just been completely rebuilt, and the dedication ceremony was that day. I was on the committee that planned the day, so I decided that I may as well go to the ceremony with Jacob.

After the ceremony I took Jacob shopping. Joe called me while we were at the mall. He said that the doctors were still unsure what was wrong with him, and when he would be coming home.

When I got home I put Jacob down for a nap. I called Joe and asked for an update.

"I'm really sick," he said.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
"They don't know," he answered.
I sunk down into his chair, and began to cry.
"This is so hard. I need you here."
"You can do it. Try to stay strong. I've gotta go," he replied.

I don't have many regrets in life. But one of my biggest by far is not going to visit Joe that day, two years ago. I just had no idea how bad it was about to get.

I can't even believe it was two years ago. This whole retelling makes me realize how much it feels like yesterday. It's that clear. I even remember what I was wearing, what Jacob was wearing, what I fed him that day, the way my stomach lurched when Joe said that he was really sick, the smell of his leather chair, the sound of worry in his voice, the helplessness that I felt.

And the statement I made, "This is so hard. I need you here." It rings true now more than ever. I can't believe he never got to come home. He knew I needed him here, and he didn't come home.

Thanks for reading.

-b

Saturday

I got up with Jacob at about 6am, as was my usual weekend routine. I fed and played with him for about an hour, and then we both went back to bed.

I awoke an hour later to the sound of Joe throwing up in the bathroom. While this make me anxious, it wasn't unheard of in our house. Joe has an intestinal disease that acted up from time to time. We both assumed that his feeling sick was due to this disease.

In fact when Jacob woke up about an hour later, I told Joe that it was his turn to get up. He got Jacob up, went down and made coffee, and was soon back in our bed complaining that his stomach hurt, and that the bump in his ear was driving him crazy.

I took Jacob for a walk with my neighbor, and actually complained about the fact that Joe was complaining. I attributed it to him being a guy, that he was acting like he was in such pain. (no offense guys, but you're not the best at dealing with being sick.)

I then took Jacob to his music class, and brought him home for a nap. I was supposed to meet my friend for lunch, and I asked Joe if I should cancel or go. He told me to go, but asked that I try to be back before Jacob woke up from his nap. The restaurant was 30 minutes away, but I thought that due to music class, Jacob would sleep for 2 hours. So I went.

As we finished our meal I heard my cell phone ring. (I discovered later that it had rung numerous times during our meal, but it was too noisy to hear the ring.) Upon hearing Joe's voice I knew something was really wrong. He could barely speak, but asked me if I was almost home. I told him I was on my way, and got in my car.

I called my neighbor and asked if she could go get Jacob from my house. She agreed, and so I called home to tell Joe my plan. He heard me and hung up without saying a word. My neighbor later told me that she found him lying on the ground. He could barely lift his head up.

I told Joe that we were going to the ER. He went to take a shower. I'll never forget the horrors of that shower. He brought Jacob's plastic stepstool into the tub, so he could sit, but even so he was sobbing while the water splashed him. (Joe wasn't one to cry at all.)

I helped him get dressed and we got in the car. Joe brought a pillow with him, and was squeezing it in pain the entire ride, while crying. At one point I asked him if I should pull over and call an ambulance, but he told me to keep driving.

I dropped him at the door to the ER and went to park the car. By the time I got inside the ER, he was already on a stretcher with a morphine drip in his arm.

It was a busy day in the ER, and Joe was never given a curtained off area. Instead his stretcher lay next to the nurse's station in the middle of the room. The noisiest spot he could possibly be. At times the morphine drip would work enough to allow Joe to speak calmly, but most of the time he was in so much pain he was either screaming or crying. The nurses told me repeatedly to quiet him down, and that he needed to be patient. I think of those nurses often, and wonder if they ever found out that the patient they considered impatient was actually dying in front of their eyes.

Throughout the day we spoke to numerous doctors, and retold the same story to each of them. A rash had begun spreading all over his body, and I asked at least 3 of these doctors if the rash could be chicken pox. All of them quickly said no.

Joe had a cat scan, which showed that his intestines were totally clear, but that his liver looked inflamed. This puzzled all of us, because we assumed that his pain was due to his intestinal disease.

It was at this time (about 7pm) that Joe began feeling like he had to pee constantly. I would take him into the bathroom, helping him stand, and pushing his IV. But each time he was unable to pee at all, and instead would have horrible pain. I thought that maybe he had kidney stones, but the doctors couldn't see any evidence of them. They decided to give Joe a catheter, so he would be out of that pain at least.

I sat by Joe's side until midnight, at which point he insisted I go home. "You've got our baby in you to care for. You need your sleep," he said.

I kissed him, told him I loved him, and left, still unsure of what was wrong with him.

That was the last time I got to see him conscious.

-b

Two Years Ago Tonight*

Joe went out after work and had dinner at a local bar, along with two beers, and smoked a cigar. He then came home, watched TV with me, and went up to bed with me. I enjoyed his company in bed as much as a 7 month pregnant woman could.

Then he started complaining about a bump in his ear. I was annoyed, because he was often finding things wrong with himself. I mean he often felt sick in one way or another, so I was annoyed that he was feeling fine, but fretting over this bump in his ear. He even had me use a flashlight to examine said bump.

I pronounced it a zit, rolled over and went to sleep.

Little did we know that this was our last night together. That he had eaten his last meal, drank his last beers, smoked his last cigars, and had his final sexual act. If only we had known....

-b

*While the date this actually took place was April 30th, 2004, it was a Friday night. Because Joe's illness was so brief, I associate the days of the week more than the actual dates. My intention is to retell what happened each day up until his death. So if you don't want to read any of this (Nick) check back again after Thursday. But I hope you'll stay with me. I'm hoping that the telling of this story can maybe bring me out to the other side.

No One Told Me

that puppies fart

and the farts smell

worse than you can imagine.

-b

I Hate Nylons!!!!!!!

That's it. Just had to say it.

Have a good day!

-b

Is this an odd sign?

eharmony has given me seven new matches. All of them are named Joe. What do you make of that? I know Joe is a common name, but that is a bit bizarre, right?

-b

Inspirations

Last night widow group met at The World Trade Center, Boston to honor one of the members of our group. S lost her husband to cancer in 2004, after a 6 month battle with cancer. Soon after he died she and her sons spotted a "Conquer Cancer" license plate from NJ. She started a campain to get the same license plates made in MA. She had to get 1,500 people to sign up for them before they could begin production. Well, she got her 1,500 orders, and production has begun. If you live in MA, and want to order a plate, or read more about it, please go to this site
All the money raised will go to four local cancer organizations, including this one. As a result of her hard work and determination, S was given the Gilda Radner award from the Wellness Center last night. S is a major inspiration to all of us in widow group, the award was much deserved, and I feel honored to be her friend.

-b

While we cry ourselves to sleep, gratitude waits patiently to console and reassure us; there is a landscape larger than the one we can see.

Sarah Ban Breathnach

Going On A Bear Hunt

Are you familiar with this book? It's a classic children's tale, and was given to Jacob when he was born. Even as a baby he loved listening to it, because it has a repeating rhythm that is soothing.

So what's my point? Why am I sharing this?

Because I realized that this book is a good analogy to grief.

The story goes something like this:

We're going on a bear hunt
we're gonna catch a big one
we're not scared
what a beautiful day

Oh NO a river!
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Have to go through it

This pattern continues with various obstacles until they find the bear. Each obstacle they come to seems impossible to deal with, as they realize that the only way to get to the other side is to go through it. But they do get through it. Each and every time they make it through.

I am surrounded by obstacles right now. They appear to be so large in fact that I am finding myself to be paralyzed with fear. I can't concentrate. I can't make conversation. I can't parent well. I am consumed with the obstacle of grief.

But I can't go over it.
I can't go under it.
I have to go through it.

And I will make it to the other side.
I'm not sure when, but I will.

Thanks for sticking with me as I try to get there.

-b

Updates

Today was a better day. No crying. Hosted people and was able to make conversation. Enjoyed my time with the boys. Felt almost normal. Thanks for all of your support yesterday. I really hate when I write posts like that one. I feel like I'm letting everyone down when I get into such a funk. So thank you.

I haven't written much about Brooklyn, the puppy. This is mostly because I have been afraid to jinx myself. She has been an amazing puppy. She sleeps in her crate through the whole night. She hasn't had a single accident in the house. She gives us lots of love, and is fun to be around. Her only "bad" behavior issue is that she nips/bites. I know that this is a puppy thing, but it's a bit frustrating. Other than that, she's a perfect pup, and I don't regret getting her.

Heading off tomorrow for a girls' day/night away. We are going to my friend Owen's summer house. This house is one of my favorite places to go. It's a beautiful house, and it's quite isolated. It has it's own beach, and a pool. I had many, many great memories of this house, and almost none of them involve Joe. So I think it will be a great escape. We're bring food, alcohol, movies and books. (and no kids are coming. Or puppies!)

Thanks again for all your words of support. Have a great weekend!

-b

Lost

I feel completely and utterly lost.

I have no direction.

There is nothing I want to do.

The sun is shining, it well may be the nicest day of the year, and I am sitting in the dark crying.

At therapy yesterday, my therapist (who reads this blog, by the way) said that it's grief. With the two year mark around the corner, I'm reliving those final days. I just have to go through it, there's no getting around it. I need to let myself feel what I'm feeling.

But I feel empty. I feel nothing. And all I can do is cry.

I tried having friends over this morning, and I failed miserably as hostess. I couldn't make conversation. I couldn't be sociable. I couldn't be.

I don't want to be around anyone, yet I'm terrified to be alone.

I don't want anyone to touch me, yet I'm craving someone holding me.

Why is this so hard? Why can't I snap out of it?

Please help me.

-b

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

Carl Jung

I'm looking inside but heart, but it's a tangled mess! Other than that, I like this quote.

Celebrity Babies

Anyone else think it's kind of ironic that Brooke Shields and Katie Holmes both delivered on the same day? Which baby would you rather be?

(RAD, I know you have absolutely no idea what this is about, but you can play along anyways! Just pick one of them.)

I, for the record, would prefer to be Brooke's baby.

-b

(How was this for a lighthearted post? It actually made me giggle for a second. No worries, I'll be back to crying in a second.)

Congratulations MK!

These Are The Days

That I wish I lived closer to my sister. I really need to be with her right now. I have the most amazing friends here, who would do anything for me. But I need my sister.

-b

Any kind of expectation creates a problem. We should accept, but not expect. Whatever comes, accept it. Whatever goes, accept it. The immediate benefit is that your mind is always peaceful.

Sri Swami Satchidananda

Homesick

When I was nine years old, I went to sleepover camp for the first time. My sister had been going there for years, and I was so excited to be going too. It was at this camp that I first experienced homesickness. Almost as soon as my mother pulled away, the lump in my throat appeared, and that lump along with a feeling of constant longing for home, stayed with me for the entire month that I was there.

I was an extreme case. I cried almost all of the time, begged my counselors to let me call home, and then once I had my parents on the phone, I begged them to take me home. I would go to sleep thinking about home, would have the most vivid dreams about being home, and then would wake up elated to be home, only to soon realize that I had only been dreaming.

At times, while I was married I would feel homesick, even when I was at home. This mostly happened when Joe was traveling. Two years ago this week, is the last time Joe traveled anywhere. I was on school vacation, as I am now. Jacob was 10 months old, and I was 7 months pregnant.

I was homesick the whole week. I wasn't just homesick, I was incredibly anxious. My dreams, instead of being about Joe being home with me, were about something going wrong while Joe was away, and him not being able to get home to me. I remember going to view the Boston Marathon, as I am tomorrow. The whole time I was there, I couldn't shake the incredible feeling of homesickness that had overcome me.

It was on that trip that Joe contracted the chicken pox that sealed his fate. Last night I had the same dream that has been haunting me for a while now. I can see Joe from afar. We have been separated, but are planning on reconciling. But I can never get close enough to see him clearly. I can't get close enough to touch him, or smell him, or even really hear him.

But he's there. I can sense his presence, and that's enough to make the feeling of homesickness subside. Then I wake up. I always wake up. And the realization that he's dead has never gotten easier. Shouldn't it be easier by now? The lump in my throat returns, the feeling in the pit of my stomach shows up, and I may as well be nine years old again.

I am homesick.

-b

Brooklyn's First Easter
(We are Jewish, but celebrated Easter with my brother and his wife. His wife is not Jewish)

We Are Pleased To Announce a new addition to our family

Please meet our cockapoo, Brooklyn

(how could I say no to that cute face?)

Before I was ever pregnant, Joe announced that he had the perfect name for our first daughter. The name? Brooke Lynn. After laughing for about 5 minutes, I told Joe that I would never name my future daughter Brooke Lynn, but that we could name our future dog, Brooklyn. For years Joe continued saying that his idea was genius, and for years I continued laughing, and insisting that we would give that name to our dog. So here she is, the daughter we never had.

I'm quite sure Joe is laughing at me now, wondering what I was thinking when I purchased us an 8 week old puppy. And honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking, or how I even got the idea of a puppy. But I've got to tell you, she is beyond cute, and she has already added some much needed laughter to our family. And for that I'm sure Joe is thankful.

-b

p.s. how well you all know me. I really didn't think I'd bring a puppy home today, but you knew better!

I know I'm crazy

You don't need to tell me that
I will not argue with you

But today we are going
to look at
puppies

I'm going to hide now!

(no worries, I will not bring one home today. At least, I don't plan to.)

Some Pics From A Beautiful Day In Our Backyard

I Made A Plan

for the two year anniversary. Last year I didn't have to make a plan, because it was a given that we would have Joe's unveiling (which is a Jewish memorial service) on the one year anniversary.

This year I haven't had a plan, and I think it's been bothering me. I'm scared, I guess that people will forget what an significant date May 6th is. And while I don't expect everyone to stop what they are doing that day and come honor Joe's memory, I feel like I need to/want to do that.

So today I called my sister and asked her to come out that weekend. And she said yes. So on that day, we will honor Joe's memory. First, we will go to the cemetery, and the boys can attach notes to Joe to helium balloons, and we can let the balloons go, and have a picnic at his grave.

Then, that night, the adults will go to Joe's favorite steakhouse in Boston. I will order his meal, and drink one of his drinks, and we will talk about Joe. Not about his death, but about his life. And I will raise my glass in the air and toast my great, late, husband.

And I have no doubt that he will be raising his glass in return.

I miss you, baby.

-b

Car Conversation

Jacob: Mommy, where we going?
me: You're going to Ann's house, and mommy is going to work.
Jacob: Where do you work?
me: Do you remember what I do for work?
Jacob: Yes, I remember.
me: What?
Jacob: You're a magician.

Oh, how I wish that were true :O)

-b

In A Funk

Can't get out of it

Tell me a funny story

or even a joke

make me laugh

please

"I kept as still as I could. Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

From My Antonia, by Willa Cather

The Sparkle In My Eyes

The other day I was talking to a parent of a student in my class. She mentioned that she ran into her neighbor recently. The neighbor commented that she had seen me the week prior, and she was so thrilled that the sparkle was back in my eyes, and that I was back to my old self.

This upset me for a number of reasons.

1. The sparkle in my eyes is back. It's almost easier to not let it come back. To just be in a depressed state of mind. That may not make much sense, but it's almost easier to be sad, and have people think that I'm still grieving, then for them to think that I'm happy, and for them to expect me to be happy all the time.

2. Just because the sparkle is back does not mean that I am over Joe, or over his dying. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean they don't tear up every day. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I don't relive watching Joe die on a regular basis. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I am not pissed beyond words that my kids never knew their father.

3. I will never, ever be back to my old self. That simply isn't possible. My life is forever changed, and who I was is not at all who I am, nor is it who I will be.

So when you see the sparkle, be happy for me that I am experiencing joy on a frequent basis. I am living my life as well as I know how. I am laughing more than I have in 2 years. But know that I am still hurting. I miss my husband in a way that most of you will be lucky enough never to understand. I am mad at the world, and am hating the unfairness of life.

Do not be deceived by the sparkle. The sparkle means I am surviving. The sparkle means I am happy more often than not. The sparkle means I have hope for the future. But the sparkle does not mean I am over Joe. The sparkle does not mean I am back to my old self. The sparkle means less than you could possibly imagine.

-b

Good News

S.S. sent me two letters today, one for each boy, stating that they made a mistake. They are paying me retroactively, plus increasing the monthly payments to what they were originally. Woohoo!!!!!!!!

I am planning on saving this extra money rather than spending it, so that it can go towards something fun that we can do as a family. Maybe a vacation or something. We'll see.

Fingers crossed that they don't change their minds yet again.

-b

A Poem

I wish I could put my feelings
into words
but
there are no words to do my feelings
justice
so
I apologize if I seem off
if I do not answer the phone
if I do not return emails
When you ask me how I am
(and by you I mean no one
in particular)
Please don't make me answer
For
I have no idea what the answer is
I am every emotion
you could possibly imagine
mixed in one
and
the worst part is
the guilt I feel
for moving on
for feeling happy
for sometimes
(lots of times)
feeling happier than before
and then there's the
emptiness
that feeling in my heart
that hole that I'm not sure
will ever be filled
the memories that feel like yesterday
and feel like a lifetime ago at
the same time
If only I could go back in time
two years ago today
How I would wrap my arms around him
I would hold on for dear life
I would just stay like that for the three remaining weeks
3 weeks remaining
2 years gone by
I wish I could put my feelings
into words
This will have to do

-b

Anyone else having posting problems tonight?

Sorry For The Lack Of Posting

It's been a busy few days here. K, from Texas arrived Thursday afternoon. She attended the launch party that Mel and I held for the teachers we work with. The party was great; very fun and we both made a decent amount of sales.

We spent Saturday in Boston. We shopped all day, and then met her 2 friends for drinks, dinner, and dessert. We had a great time. Tons of laughing, lots of talking, and plenty of drinking. We got home at 12:30, and I fell asleep around 1 AM. Kelly left this morning at 5:30, and I awoke at 6:30 courtesy of the boys.

Today sucked. It was a really bad day. I was tired, slightly hungover, and very cranky. It's definitely the time of year that gets to me. These were the last weeks I had with Joe before he died, and every day I now recreate what we were doing on that day. Passover is this week, and that was the last holiday that we all gathered together for. My sister and I were both pregnant at the time, and we posed for pictures with our respective husbands holding our stomachs. Then Joe suggested we swap, and my sister held my stomach, while my brother-in-law held Joe's pillow stuffed stomach. We were all laughing hysterically. I got those pictures the day after Joe died. That's how close together the two events were. Last year I avoided the holiday altogether, but this year we will be celebrating. We'll see how it goes.

Beyond my state of mind, we had a crappy morning. (literally) We had to go grocery shopping, so I thought I'd take the boys for bagels in the same shopping complex that there's a grocery store. It's about 15 minutes away, but since both stops were in the same lot, it made sense to me.

We ordered our bagels, I got my coffee and was happily drinking it. The boys were drinking their juices, and it was time to pay. My wallet was missing. We had to leave our food and drinks, drive 15 minutes home, get my wallet, and drive back.

Then we went grocery shopping. Halfway through the store Jacob announces that he's going to the bathroom. This is not odd for him to announce, because it requires him to stop whatever he's doing and push it out. (gross, I know. But just wait, it gets grosser.) I'm not sure how it happened, but there was an explosion. A diaper filled with disgusting crap explosion. All over his clothes.

So we had to leave the grocery store without making our purchases, go home, bathe (for the 2nd time today) and get redressed. And then we went grocery shopping yet again.

Plus, no one napped today.

So yes, today sucked.

Tomorrow however, will be better. It has to be better.

Hope you all had great weekends.

-b

Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

My Post Was Lost

I wrote a funny post, and it never got published. Grrr. This will be a modified post.

It was about the fun day I had at work. I was tired of being sad, so Patrick and I were very goofy all day instead. We even made up a song about loving school. Here's a sample verse: "Math is great, math is fun, fractions help everyone." We told our students that we tried out for American Idol singing it, and some kids actually believed us.

The kids pretended to hate the song, but then begged us repeatedly to sing it to them. They act like they hate how much I laugh, but I know that they love every minute of it. I will be so sad when this school year ends.

My class rocks! Literally :O)

-b

I went and did something silly. I tried to change the template of my blog, and in doing so lost all of my links. Argh. Give me some time to fix this problem.

Conversations about death

I just told my students about the death of the 35 year old father in the third grade. They had lots of questions, and many observations. The one that made me cry inside was the one said by O: "When D gets older, I bet he's gonna think to himself, "I sure was a little boy when my dad died." Because he's only nine years old."

Another little boys asked if D's father was a good man. I responded that I believed he was a good man. The boy said, "Oh good, maybe there's a place in heaven for him then."

It's just so sad.

In regards to the boy who killed himself this weekend, apparently the local news did a story about it last night. The town I teach in has had 4 teen suicides in 1 year. One of which was a middle schooler. I work in a very small, wealthy community, and I have to wonder what kind of pressure are we putting on these kids that makes them feel the need to end their lives?

Sad day here.

-b

I so wish I had a camera here

It is snowing quite possibly the most beautiful snowflakes I have ever seen. Each snowflake is about 1-2 inches in diameter. A snowstorm in April. Who would have thought it could be so magnificent?

Another Reason I Love My Boys

While they're in the bathtub, after they're all clean, I'll hang my feet over the edge of the tub. They take soap and rub my feet with the soap. Then they pour warm water out of their watering cans to wash of the suds. Then they do it again. Ahhh, free foot massages. No one told me about that perk when I was pregnant!

Sad Day At Work

The father of a boy in the third grade (not my class) died over the weekend, unexpectedly. He was flying to Israel with his wife, when something went wrong with his heart. This little boy has so many emotional problems to start...it's just really sad.

Also, a boy at the high school who had lots of connections to my school, killed himself yesterday. Apparently he was so depressed his parents tried to get him admitted to the local mental health hospital, but he was turned away. At some point last night he hung himself.

So you can imagine the mood in our school today. My heart goes out to all the family and friends affected by these tragic losses.

-b

10 Reasons I love my sons

1. They are funny. I mean really funny. Their latest favorite game is changing the lyrics to songs to make them funnier. When they wake up in the morning I can hear them singing through the wall. They crack themselves up repeatedly. Jacob also uses a variety of voices to make me laugh.
2. They cuddle. Both of them still love to lay in my arms, and snuggle up for a book.
3. They are fun to be with. They get excited over such simple things, and really show me how to appreciate things I normally take for granted. Yesterday I came home from the grocery store. Jacob looked in the bag and exclaimed, "Mommy, you bought bananas! Thank you!"
4. The play well together (usually). They most definitely love each other and always help one another out.
5. They go to bed early. Really early.
6. They know what they want. There's no reading between the lines with them.
7. They play well with others.
8. They keep me going when I feel like giving up.
9. They talk about Joe, and love looking at pictures of him with me.
10. They are the last gifts Joe gave me.

Oh how I love my boys to pieces

-b

What To Write

I wish I knew
what the future holds
when will I find him
that him that I am destined to meet
What if the answer is never
I don't think that is the case
but what if
just a thought

-b

Things I love
(In no particular order)

the smell of freshly mowed grass, the sound of leaves crushing beneath my feet, watching a kid finally "get it" after working with him on a concept for days/weeks/months, my kids, eggplant parm, swimming in an empty pool, eating breakfast for dinner, driving with the moon roof open, walking in to a clean house, memories, friends, my job, my widow group, the possibility of new love, my family, sleeping late, sex, laughing, going out to eat, taking long walks, going to open houses, going away without children, cooking, reading the newspaper, not being rushed, feeling empowered, dreaming at night, daydreaming, writing, making other people laugh, watching my crappy TV shows, watching my kids play together, reading to my class, getting lost in a great book, discovering a new restaurant, coffee, comfortable pajamas, talking on the phone, getting to know someone new, living life to the fullest, my house, my car, having hope.

-b