The Sparkle In My Eyes
The other day I was talking to a parent of a student in my class. She mentioned that she ran into her neighbor recently. The neighbor commented that she had seen me the week prior, and she was so thrilled that the sparkle was back in my eyes, and that I was back to my old self.
This upset me for a number of reasons.
1. The sparkle in my eyes is back. It's almost easier to not let it come back. To just be in a depressed state of mind. That may not make much sense, but it's almost easier to be sad, and have people think that I'm still grieving, then for them to think that I'm happy, and for them to expect me to be happy all the time.
2. Just because the sparkle is back does not mean that I am over Joe, or over his dying. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean they don't tear up every day. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I don't relive watching Joe die on a regular basis. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I am not pissed beyond words that my kids never knew their father.
3. I will never, ever be back to my old self. That simply isn't possible. My life is forever changed, and who I was is not at all who I am, nor is it who I will be.
So when you see the sparkle, be happy for me that I am experiencing joy on a frequent basis. I am living my life as well as I know how. I am laughing more than I have in 2 years. But know that I am still hurting. I miss my husband in a way that most of you will be lucky enough never to understand. I am mad at the world, and am hating the unfairness of life.
Do not be deceived by the sparkle. The sparkle means I am surviving. The sparkle means I am happy more often than not. The sparkle means I have hope for the future. But the sparkle does not mean I am over Joe. The sparkle does not mean I am back to my old self. The sparkle means less than you could possibly imagine.
-b
This upset me for a number of reasons.
1. The sparkle in my eyes is back. It's almost easier to not let it come back. To just be in a depressed state of mind. That may not make much sense, but it's almost easier to be sad, and have people think that I'm still grieving, then for them to think that I'm happy, and for them to expect me to be happy all the time.
2. Just because the sparkle is back does not mean that I am over Joe, or over his dying. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean they don't tear up every day. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I don't relive watching Joe die on a regular basis. Just because they sparkle doesn't mean I am not pissed beyond words that my kids never knew their father.
3. I will never, ever be back to my old self. That simply isn't possible. My life is forever changed, and who I was is not at all who I am, nor is it who I will be.
So when you see the sparkle, be happy for me that I am experiencing joy on a frequent basis. I am living my life as well as I know how. I am laughing more than I have in 2 years. But know that I am still hurting. I miss my husband in a way that most of you will be lucky enough never to understand. I am mad at the world, and am hating the unfairness of life.
Do not be deceived by the sparkle. The sparkle means I am surviving. The sparkle means I am happy more often than not. The sparkle means I have hope for the future. But the sparkle does not mean I am over Joe. The sparkle does not mean I am back to my old self. The sparkle means less than you could possibly imagine.
-b
10 comments:
Kristi said it better than I could have. Sometimes people say things because they want to be encouraging, but they're not in your place and don't have a clue how you feel. I'm glad you've got the sparkle back even if it's only some of the time.
it always amazes me how insensitive someone can be without even realizing what they are actually saying.
i'm so glad for you that there are moments that are *sparkly*
you deserve them :)
Well, I'm sure they meant well, but it sounds like you heard the essence of such a statement, which is kind but condescending. Like you were getting over a love affair gone wrong or were bouncing back from some girlish disappointment. Of course you'll never be the same again. Some people don't understand what an indelible mark sharp experience can leave.
She most definitely made this statement becasue she cares for me deeply. The parent who made the statement about the sparkle in my eye is an amazing woman. I taught her son when he was in the first and second grade. He's now in the 6th grade.
She actually came to the hospital after I gave birth to Joshua, and I remember confessing to her while crying, that I was afraid no one would want me as their child's teacher at that point. She helped me believe in myself as a teacher, and convinced me that I was still very much wanted by the parents.
So I know that she wants nothing but the best for me. And I didn't mean to imply that she was being purposely insensitive. She said what she did out of love for me, 100%.
You are surviving. And you're doing a great job of it. That's not to say that you don't hurt. That's not to say that you don't get angry. But despite that, you keep going. Despite that you find a little bit (or more) of happiness in each day.
I can't possibly understand the complexities of how you are feeling. But I do know that Joe would be happy the sparkle is there. That's what he wants for you.
I can understand that you are not the same person, and you never will be.
I think it's great that you know that the woman said that with the best intentions, even though it wasn't the right thing to say. I bet you have to do that a lot - let hurtful things slide, since they were said with well-meaning intent and caring.
I never knew your husband, but I know he would want you to find happiness.
:)
I don't have much to say. But I'm reading (listening).
*hugs*
I was thinking about this during my lunch break and I came up with this.
There is no such thing as tears of sadness, merely tears of joy in disguise.
Maybe the sparkle in your eyes that everyone sees are caused by the tears in your eyes.
But tears are wonderful. You've seen what happens to a drop of water when the sun hits it in the right way. Rainbows are formed. So tears have the potential to become rainbows.
Seeing someone cry makes most people want to help you therefore tears are a communication tool that lets you know people care about you.
But then what about the reasons for you crying?
Why do you cry when you think about Joe? Is it not because you miss him? But why do you miss him? Is it not because you love him, he loved you, and you had wonderful times together.
The way I see it you are not crying because you are sad but crying because of the happy memories that you once had with him.
That said though I might have to stop thinking over lunchtime. ;-)
ditto lowed wookei
ditto ellamari
sparkel water
Loweded Wookie,
Please don't stop thinking over lunchtime. Your thoughts always make me smile.
The tears...yes, I guess they are from missing him, and I miss him b/c of what our life was together. But also I think the tears are for what I thought my future would be, and mostly for our kids.
But again, I always love your comments. Please keep them coming.
Post a Comment