Lost
I feel completely and utterly lost.
I have no direction.
There is nothing I want to do.
The sun is shining, it well may be the nicest day of the year, and I am sitting in the dark crying.
At therapy yesterday, my therapist (who reads this blog, by the way) said that it's grief. With the two year mark around the corner, I'm reliving those final days. I just have to go through it, there's no getting around it. I need to let myself feel what I'm feeling.
But I feel empty. I feel nothing. And all I can do is cry.
I tried having friends over this morning, and I failed miserably as hostess. I couldn't make conversation. I couldn't be sociable. I couldn't be.
I don't want to be around anyone, yet I'm terrified to be alone.
I don't want anyone to touch me, yet I'm craving someone holding me.
Why is this so hard? Why can't I snap out of it?
Please help me.
-b
I have no direction.
There is nothing I want to do.
The sun is shining, it well may be the nicest day of the year, and I am sitting in the dark crying.
At therapy yesterday, my therapist (who reads this blog, by the way) said that it's grief. With the two year mark around the corner, I'm reliving those final days. I just have to go through it, there's no getting around it. I need to let myself feel what I'm feeling.
But I feel empty. I feel nothing. And all I can do is cry.
I tried having friends over this morning, and I failed miserably as hostess. I couldn't make conversation. I couldn't be sociable. I couldn't be.
I don't want to be around anyone, yet I'm terrified to be alone.
I don't want anyone to touch me, yet I'm craving someone holding me.
Why is this so hard? Why can't I snap out of it?
Please help me.
-b
12 comments:
I wish I had some great words of wisdom to offer, but I don't. Just know that, as you give yourself permission to grieve, and as time passes, it does get better.
I think part of why it is hitting you this week -- besides the upcoming anniversary -- is that you have time to think more this week. You are usually so busy; while that's not a bad thing, it can also mean you just don't have as much time to focus on your grief. So I think you're just letting your hair down this week, so to speak.
So for this week, give yourself permission to cry. Do take the time to look for the small joys in your life. But don't feel bad that you feel lost, and don't feel bad that you don't want to do anything. It's OKAY.
And don't forget that you have lots of friends who love you dearly.
You have been given great advice by K in texas.
When you feel this way its best, provided you have a buffer for the kids, to just let yourself feel the rainbow of feelings your going through.
The best way to get over the feeling is to not hide from it(because it will come back at some point), but to confront it head on.
*hugs* I hope you feel better soon *hugs*
I'm sorry I don't have any amazing advice. I wish I did, though. Know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and I hope that you will be feeling better soon. (((HUGS)))
Hey b,
It sucks. I know the feeling. Part of my MIA status the last few weeks included 'reliving' some grief about my dad. The loss and those feelings never really "go away". You know what I mean. *shrug* The only difference is that it becomes a familiar experience. Over time, eventually you just sit with the grief when it shows up, acknowledge it, embrace it, and then lift yourself out of the moment and take another step towards tomorrow.
Give your boys a hug, Take Brooklyn out for some play time. Be easy on yourself.
Love ya,
RM
(((((B))))))
I wish this never happened. I wish you didn't have to feel this way.
If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets.
I haven't walked in your shoes, so dismiss this if I am completely off. :)
Give in, feel what you want to feel. Give yourself the day ( a day) to let it go. Your kids? Some days are just there to get through, you can find something for them. Run them around in the morning. get them to nap, then let go. Personally, I feel that if the feelings are there you need to give yourself the time to feel them, then tell yourself it's time to get your life going, and do the things you need to do.
I understand this may be a daily occurance for you because of the progression of your memories, so do it a little bit at a time. You can't give in completely because of the beautiful boys you have.
Good luck B.
You will get through this. I know you can. Unfortunately that's the only way - through. I wish your pain could be eased, but as you well know, it's unfortunately part of the process. Keep hanging on. You can do it. Keep stepping, just one step at a time.
Lean on those of us who love you so. We're here in any way we can be. Love you.
Here are some small joys in my life...maybe you can create your own list and seek them out this week?
A perfect cup of coffee in the morning
Tickling Jack and hearing him laugh
Hugging Jack, especially first thing in the morning, when he still has the smell of sleep on him
My front porch swing
The green of spring
A good book
Music...all kinds...I tend to listen to sad stuff when I'm down, because it helps me work through it
Hang in there sweetie...
I THINK SAME TOO
SAME SAME
B-
Thought I'd catch up on your "doings" before the end of vacation. Sorry to hear that you've had a bad few days. I hope your night away helps. I think you got some great advice from your supportive readers.
Brooklyn is adorable, I can't believe she is so good in the sleep and bodily function departments!
-MMM
"I don't want to be around anyone, yet I'm terrified to be alone. "
Thats me - I have never in my life been afraid to be alone, but the day I got back from Boston where I buried my husband, I walked through the front door - froze - then screamed.....crap
Sally,
Are you from the widow board? Nice to have you stop by, and even nicer to read your comment. So sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry b, (((hugs))).
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