Goodbye My Lover
I can't stop listening to "goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt. I highly recommend you download it from itunes. Especially if you're looking for a good cry. The following lyrics are the end of the song:
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I feel like all I've being doing lately on this blog is complain, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to write something witty or funny soon. But for now, the above lyrics pretty much sum me up. The hollowness that I feel is pretty indescribable. Just an empty feeling of false anticipation. I get excited for my evenings of no kids, but then when I get them, I realize that not only do I have no kids with me, I have no one. And I don't even have anything to look forward to.
The holidays are certainly not helping one bit. Everyone I know is getting ready for Christmas with their families. I am feeling pretty worried for this weekend, because I know how hard weekends are for me in general, and this weekend there will be no one around, and nothing to do.
I cried this morning in school before school started. M had to comfort me in the copy machine room. That's always a bad sign. Usually I can pull it together at school.
I am in a downward spiral. But maybe I need to fall. Isn't that what the medium said? Please don't ask me how I am. I will have to lie to you and I don't feel like doing that.
Ugh. Sorry for the whiny post.
-B
4 comments:
DON'T apologize. Hang in. I know this isn't enough, but we're here for you. :o) -m
What can I say? Nothing, actually. Just gotta let it be and let whatever you feel come and go.
You're in my thoughts...!
I am the anon. ER wife. And I just wanted to respond to this post. But I wanted to make this clear - I have my husband, so I cannot compare that with you AT ALL. I just don't want you to think I am comparing my situation with yours in any way.
I can tell you though there are other Moms who spend the weekend alone. I spend the majority of them alone since my husband is working, and when he works he works 12 to 15 hour days. The children and I don't see him at all.
I hate the weekends myself, because other Moms have their husbands around and I can't call them to do stuff, they have their family time then. I try and find out who else's husband is working on the same weekend so I can at least plan something to do.
Is there a single Mom's group around, where you can find other women with husbands not around (although they are prob. still alive) that you can plan something for the weekend?
Just an idea.
By the way, your post isn't whiny, it's the truth. And those of not in your current position can't even imagine how hard things are for you.
Well, I hope you find the strength in you to muster through the weekend. How are your boys doing?
Hi Anon,
I appreciate your words. On most weekends I am able to make plans with friends in advance. I try to keep us pretty busy, b/c as we all know, there is nothing worse than an entire day stuck in the house with kids.
And for about 8 weekends in a row, I had a boyfriend here with me (don't know how long you've been reading my blog) and so my weekends actually became amazing.
But now I'm back to being alone, and instead of missing my ex boyfriend, I'm missing my dead husband. And this weekend, due to the holidays, I know everyone will be busy, so it will just be the boys and me. And there's really nowhere for us to go. That's what I'm dreading.
My boys are actually doing well though. They are only 2 and a half and 1 and a half, so they don't really know what's going on with me, and I try really hard not to let them see me depressed.
Anyways, thanks for reading and posting.
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