How did daddy die?
Just about every day
for the past week
or so
that question has been asked
by the boys
"He got really sick," I reply.
"With what?" They ask.
"With a bad sickness."
"Are we gonna die?"
"Not until you're very, very old."
"Was daddy very very old?"
blah
-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!
for the past week
or so
that question has been asked
by the boys
"He got really sick," I reply.
"With what?" They ask.
"With a bad sickness."
"Are we gonna die?"
"Not until you're very, very old."
"Was daddy very very old?"
blah
-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!
14 comments:
I asked the same things after my father died of colon cancer. My mom explained the facts to me in the most gentle way possible and just kept reassuring me over and over again. I know there is no easy way to explain this to children. I hope this helps.
Jess, thank you for sharing. How old were you when your father died? So sorry. (and I will check out your blog right now)
I was 5. It took me several tries to feel like I wrote the "right" thing. I was honored that you de-lurked. I am a big fan, and a teacher too!
Oh sweetie, that's a tough one. I do believe in telling kids the truth. But, in your case, I do think I would hold off on using the words "chicken pox"...that could really backfire as soon as one of their classmates comes down with it. One thing I did with Jack when he started asking the questions is to use the word "very" over and over again, as in "Daddy got very very very very very sick." I read that in a book about explaining death to kids (it wasn't terribly helpful though because it assumed the kid knew the person who had died, and our kids have no memories of their dads). But the "very very" part helps him to understand that he's not going to die next time he gets a cold.
I also bought some books for him. One is about a dinosaur dying, and another is about heaven (by Maria Shriver). He wasn't much interested in the books until recently. Now he'll sit down and read them on his own, and he's also been asking more questions since he started kindergarten. Maybe that's what's going on with Jacob in particular...he sees other kids at preschool with their dads, and it makes him ask questions.
I will write more if I think of anything helpful to say. It's so hard watching them try to wrap their little minds around such a harsh, nebulous concept as death.
Oh, and I do tell Jack it's okay to be sad, and I tell him I'm sad too.
Hey b...my first comment on your blog (officially delurking!)! I am guessing that others probably have better advice on how to deal with this based on their own experiences with the death of loved one (...like the father of their child/ren), but, although I don't have that experience, I do remember both Manny and Ella went thru the stage of becoming almost obsessed with death (around the age of 3)...for Manny it was just of people he didn't really ever know...his great grandparents mostly...but he has the list memorized (and names all dead people with the prefix, old fashioned...don't know where he got that) So, he would just list them, out loud...all the time..."Old-fashioned Grammie died because she smoked cigarettes, Old-fashioned Meme died because she was old..."etc. For Ella, it was our neighbors cat, Fancy. After Fancy died, Ella would tell just about ANYONE that listened (in a really sad voice, even though she did not even know Fancy)..."So, (pause) Fancy died (sigh)." That lead to more questions about death...I remembered Manny had gone thru similar thing, so I named this a phase...So, anyways, back to you...after all, this is your blog...sorry to hog so much comment space...I think I would tell them the truth...I think I would even say it was from the chicken pox, but I'm sure you will make the best decision knowing your own kids. It seems like you have been doing an amazing job so far!!!
Love, G
I think lying is acceptable at their age, but that's me.
I think I would stick with the undisclosed illness at this point. Chicken pox is something that they may still come across with their unimmunized friends (is that possible these days?) At a very young age they may jump to the conclusion that chicken pox is a death sentence. I would wait until they grow in their understanding of such things.
-Highland Gal
H-gal, it is still possible. In fact, one of our good firnd's son had a case a few weeks ago, and he was inmmunized. I am hopeful that the boys will both get exposed and catch it at some point soon, as that is really the only true vaccine.
This just happened to a friend of mine.
She was 35 and she died on Thursday of cancer. She had two small children but they told the kids everything that was happening to mum even after she had died.
Parents can be stupid in that they try to wrap kids in cottonwool and try and protect them from the big bad world. Give them credit. Tell them Dad died of Chicken Pox. Let them know that while they are getting their vaccinations that this is to try and prevent what happened to dad.
Kids know, kids understand it seems that the adults are the ones with the learning problems. :-)
Didn't Joe have a depressed immune system due to the new medication he was on, and that is why he succumbed to chicken pox? I don't think small kids could understand that, however. It is hard to explain death to little ones- my 4 year old grandson still talks about missing Fripp (our dog who died a year ago)- he says "Fripp is taking a long time. When will he be back?" (He was told that Fripp is in doggy heaven.) Probably explaining in simpliest terms would be best.
I'm sort of delurking as this is only my second comment on your blog. I admire your command of the written word. You have a real talent.
Betsy -- if you want to be truthful, tell the it was a virus that he had an very unusual reaction to - I definately would NOT mention chicken pox & it is very likely they will hear of a friend having it or even contract it themselves - Heaven forbid.
If you must, stress that was Joe had many, many people get but very, very few die from it.
All the best,
Kathy
My preschool had been couselled to use the phrase illness vs. sick (which is the phase kids use when they don't feel good). My husband died of cancer so it was more of a differentiator.
I would probably say something like. Daddy died from an illness. He was taking a special medicine that kept him well but it made it hard for the doctors to know what was wrong so they couldn't make him get better.
This still leaves open the questioning which might lead to them not wanting to take any medicine in case it makes it hard for doctors to know what is wrong with them & they would die.
You could also say he got a illness that they are protected against by a shot they have all had. And you could let them know that you had that same shot - or had the illness & got well so you are protected as well.
Please let me know off-line what you decide to say.
Another thing you could stress is that to get Chicken Pox as a child is not (as) dangerous but as a adult it is more so...
Sigh
My boys have been asking more about Ed's death as well in relation to them. I told Aengus he had to wash his hands after going to the bathroom because of germs. Now mind you, this is a multiple times a day conversation, as you can imagine with 2 four year olds. Usually he would just leave it and understand that germs were bad, but today he persisted, almost like he had an agenda. When I said germs can make you sick, he asked if it would make him go to heavan like Daddy. I chose the "very, very, very, very sick" route that k mentioned earlier. It seemed to work.
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