These Words
I'm in a bad place.
If you've spoken to me recently, I imagine that you picked up on it.
Yes, the Atkin's Diet is making me a bit nuts.
Yes, I still haven't heard from NB, and am paranoid that it's over.
But neither of those things are at the root of my depression. Neither of those things are making me cry after hanging up the phone with my sister. neither of those things caused me to sleep part of the day away. (my brother and sister-in-law watched the boys.)
I just saw a Valentine's day commercial. It was for some jewelry, and they had the lyrics to Natasha Bedinfield's song, these words.
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...
Valentine's Day happens to be my birthday. I so miss being told those words. It has been 21 months since I have heard those words from Joe. Or from any man.
I recently found the birthday card Joe gave me for my 29th birthday; the last we celebrated together. The cover said, "You are my favorite thing." The inside simply said, "ever." Followed by Joe's impossibly messy script. "Happy Birthday, I love you xoxoxo, Joe"
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
And I know it looks like I've made progress, and I know that I have. But right now I feel like Joe just died. I just want him back. I want a new card from him on Tuesday. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to hear those words.
I'm in a bad place.
-b
If you've spoken to me recently, I imagine that you picked up on it.
Yes, the Atkin's Diet is making me a bit nuts.
Yes, I still haven't heard from NB, and am paranoid that it's over.
But neither of those things are at the root of my depression. Neither of those things are making me cry after hanging up the phone with my sister. neither of those things caused me to sleep part of the day away. (my brother and sister-in-law watched the boys.)
I just saw a Valentine's day commercial. It was for some jewelry, and they had the lyrics to Natasha Bedinfield's song, these words.
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...
Valentine's Day happens to be my birthday. I so miss being told those words. It has been 21 months since I have heard those words from Joe. Or from any man.
I recently found the birthday card Joe gave me for my 29th birthday; the last we celebrated together. The cover said, "You are my favorite thing." The inside simply said, "ever." Followed by Joe's impossibly messy script. "Happy Birthday, I love you xoxoxo, Joe"
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
And I know it looks like I've made progress, and I know that I have. But right now I feel like Joe just died. I just want him back. I want a new card from him on Tuesday. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to hear those words.
I'm in a bad place.
-b
12 comments:
Eek. Depressing. I thought we had a good conversation today. Did you cry after the first call or after the second one when I told you that your boys have been sleeping in the same room as a dead bird at my house? Take the boys sledding tomorrow. You'll feel better after the birthdays are over.
Yuck. I'm sorry. Keep going. One step at a time. You can do it.
I agree with Becca do something fun with the boys. The birthdays are always tough. It's okay to be in a bad place... at least you know it. You are going to be okay. I know it, and you will hear those words again, but they'll hold a whole new meaning. Mel's right you can do it!
Tomorrow build a snowman in the backyard, have a snowball fight, and then bring the kids in for hot chocolate and then a nap. That sounds like fun to me. And next weekend you have your fun trip to Texas!!
I'm sorry it's creeping up on you again; the sorrow. As much as it seems unlikely, I wonder if your uncertainty about NB makes you yearn for the comfort of remembered love even worse. Your journey is completely foreign to me, but I'm glad you are surrounded by so many people with good sense and good ideas who can support you.
Oh, B!! :-(
*hugs*
Cry if you need to. Wallow if you need to. Just "be" in your grief. It's ok!
*hugs*
Kind of a weird quinky dink, 'tho. I was just thinking today about things that remain after the death of a loved one...one of them being their handwriting. No one really thinks about that one.
*shrug*
I might blog about it...not sure yet.
Anyway, you're SO lucky to have had (and still have) such love and things like that card. I have yet to receive one that had so much meaning behind it.
"Love where you're at". Dunno why that came to mind, but I'm posting it here anyway. :-P
*hugs*
Oh, and regarding the diet...
Don't force yourself to do anything that isn't 'working' for you, including on the mental emotional realm.
And regarding the diamond commercial...turn off the tv. Vday is just a marketing gimmick. Overhyped and just ridiculous, because love happens all the time, not just on one day of the year.
*hugs* (again) :-P
Becca, the dead bird story did make me laugh (and cringe) but not cry. But each time I hung up with you, I felt so alone, and then the tears would start up again.
As for playing in the snow, we are having a blizzard. Too cold, and windy to step outside. :O)
Mel, Jenn, walt, RM, Thanks.
HG, I don't think your idea is too far out there. If I had been having fabulous conversations with NB, and was feeling secure about the possibility of a future with him, perhaps I wouldn't be missing what I had so badly. I like your comments. Just because you don't know me, doesn't mean your advice is any less valid.
Oh, and RM, Joe had one habit that made me absolutely crazy when he was alive. He would write lists, thoughts, songs, you name it on random pieces of paper. And then he would leave the papers everywhere. And god forbid I threw any of them away! It would immediately become something very important.
When Joe dies, I had a lot of cleaning to do. He had a "cigar room" that was basically a guy's hangout room. It was filled with crap. I threw away a lot, but kept everything that had his handwriting on it. I feel like paper with his writing really captures some of who he was. (slob and all)
Sometimes I'll just look thought the box with his random papers. It's funny how something that used to make me cringe with annoyance daily, now makes me smile and miss him.
(((B)))
*sigh*
All I can do is send you postive, warm thoughts, and let you know that I will be here, reading (aka listening).
:(
:-)
*hugs*
I know where you are...I looked at cards today and swear I could hear nick's voice saying those things to me. And I saw a card i would have bought him.
I miss having someone to say those things to.
w/ l,
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