The Question I hated The Most
after Joe died, was "How did he get the chicken pox?"
I thought that was the most asinine question at the time.
"Who the fuck cares how he got them!" I felt like shouting to anyone, and everyone who asked. "He's dead!"
The follow up question would always be, "Didn't he have them as a kid?" and then, "Did he get the vaccine?"
Joe's cousin's wife actually had the audacity to say, "Stooopid," after hearing that no, he hadn't had them as a child, and no, he hadn't been immunized as an adult. I still refer to her as "D, the bitch."
This question may not have bothered me so much if it wasn't asked repeatedly. And when I say repeatedly, I mean almost every single person that I came into contact with after he died. And that was an awful lot of people.
And I really didn't understand how it was relevant. He got them somehow, and then died. The dying part was what I cared about.
To this day, when people find out that he died from the chicken pox, that's still the # 1 question I get.
But maybe now I'll be a little more tolerant.
One of my student's mothers called me this morning. She told me that T would be out of school for a week.
He has the chicken pox.
Guess what I said?
Yep, "How did he get them?"
-b
I thought that was the most asinine question at the time.
"Who the fuck cares how he got them!" I felt like shouting to anyone, and everyone who asked. "He's dead!"
The follow up question would always be, "Didn't he have them as a kid?" and then, "Did he get the vaccine?"
Joe's cousin's wife actually had the audacity to say, "Stooopid," after hearing that no, he hadn't had them as a child, and no, he hadn't been immunized as an adult. I still refer to her as "D, the bitch."
This question may not have bothered me so much if it wasn't asked repeatedly. And when I say repeatedly, I mean almost every single person that I came into contact with after he died. And that was an awful lot of people.
And I really didn't understand how it was relevant. He got them somehow, and then died. The dying part was what I cared about.
To this day, when people find out that he died from the chicken pox, that's still the # 1 question I get.
But maybe now I'll be a little more tolerant.
One of my student's mothers called me this morning. She told me that T would be out of school for a week.
He has the chicken pox.
Guess what I said?
Yep, "How did he get them?"
-b
10 comments:
People are stupid like that. If he'd died in a car crash they probably would have asked dumb questions like "was he wearing a seat belt", "what speed was he doing" and stupid things like that.
I can understand how you'd be pissed off with these stupid questions. I'd hate to hear someone tell me my partner was stupid for not getting immunised, especially when immunisation doesn't always work. All I'd care about is the fact that the person I love is gone and there's nothing I could do about it.
I'd want support or just have someone there. I would prefer they say nothing but just be there as a shoulder to cry on, not have them ask dumb arse questions that bear no relevance.
On having said that though I know people do care and want to understand what happened but in their quest for knowledge they can hurt people. I'm guilty of that on more than one occasion and I've felt like crap for doing so when all I meant was good.
But it is funny how quickly we forget how one thing that pisses us off can also piss other people off but as is our nature we enquire using the same dumb questions that we get brassed off about.
Life's funny like that and I guess once enough time has passed all we can do is laugh.
I have to say I really enjoy your site. I like hearing how someone in your postition is learning to enjoy life again. I hope you find yourself being an inspiration to others.
Cheers
b,
I know what you mean. I was home alone with my dad the night he died and everyone kept asking me 'what happened'. I found myself giving the details over and over about 'what happened' that night (he was terminally ill, but that's another story), when the whole time I'm like, who the f**k cares?!? He's gone.
You just learn that people didn't mean anything by it. It still hurts, it still pisses me off, but if I was in their shoes I'd probably ask the same thing.
*shrug*
*hugs*
Honestly b, I mean no disrespect to you, your feelings are entirely valid, but to those of us who suffered chicken pox as a mild childhood malady, to hear that a healthy adult male died of the chicken pox sounds like some sort of sick cosmic joke. My first thought was "how in the world?" If I knew you IRL I surely would have blundered onto the forbidden question. But I swear I would not have been stupid enough to imply it was somehow his fault. Your cousin's wife can be forever known as the "stoopid bitch." ;)
I'm so glad to have made your web acquaintance. I have great respect for you and appreciate your willingness to share your journey forward without Joe.
Very thoughtful comments.
LW, I am at a loss as to how to respond to your kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying reading. As for inspiring others, that would def. be an added bonus. But honestly, I don't feel like I could be too much of an inspiration. (at least not in the mood I'm in today)
RM, I'll never forget the first comment you left on my blog. You commented about how different our lives are, yet what similar places in our lives we are. I often post and think that you, of all people, will relate.
Jen, thanks for your kind words, as always.
HG, No disrespect taken. I know how shocking it was/is for people to hear what caused Joe's death. I still think, "chicken pox? Really?" And I know that it's the natural question to ask.
But I wished that maybe people would have asked others in the know (family, friends, etc) instead of asking me. I remember getting so angry every time people would bring it up. And then they would start speculating, "maybe it was the playground? Maybe it was gymboree?" And I'd say, for the 200th time, "I don't know!!!!"
And I am glad as well, to have made your blog acquaintance. Thanks, Jen for the intro!
I'm sure this is so frustrating for you! When my mother died, I too got so sick of people asking all of the questions. I think it is their way of trying to be comforting and concerned so they can try to relate to what you are going through. It's so annoying though to keep hearing it and I agree, it would help if they just asked someone else. HUGS.
"I often post and think that you, of all people, will relate."
b- That's very nice of you to say! :-) I forgot what I first posted and just went back and reread it. Yeah, something about your earlier posts stirred me enough to comment.
But you know what? As I was skimming your previous posts looking for the first comment I wrote, I noticed that you've certainly come a long way in your journey, and that's only been a few months! A few months since I found your blog, anyway.
Keep on, keeping on! I see good things happening with you. I really do! Maybe reread through the archives sometime and see for yourself. :-)
Hope you're having pleasant dreams! And...umm...ghost free evenings these days. :-P
-RM
I think people just ask for something to say. Remember especially in the beginning where we would just sort of bombard people with the fact that your husband had died? I'm sure they had no idea what to say. So they asked how, and then they would do the follow-up question. Since it is a contagious virus, it's not completely ridiculous. Be glad he didn't die from herpes!! "Where did he catch it?"
LOL! No kidding!
And I know, it makes sense to ask, but do you remember how much I hated being asked it?
That's awful, how people were so insensitive. When people ask asinine questions of me I like to reply "Why do you ask?" - that usually makes them feel very awkward. I got that from a pregnancy book, on how to deal with nosey parkers.
I am so sorry, but I totally cracked up at the end of this post!! Tears in my eyes and everything.
But onto the serious side, I think it's all been said. When I first came across your blog, I wondered how your husband had died, and when I found out what from, I thought it was so bizarre. The 1st thought I had was "How random is that???". Honestly, the other questions never came to my mind, ever. I don't know why though.
Post a Comment