Dating While Grieving
I realized recently that most of my blog entries revolve around either grieving Joe, or dating new people. This may seem confusing to some of you. How can I be so sad at times, missing Joe, while at the same time I'm excited for a big date?
I joined an amazing support group for young widows a year and a half ago. We still meet informally every Monday night for dinner. When we first began meeting, it was very structured with a facilitator named Leah. Leah had many words of wisdom for us, and I think each of us left with at least one memorable lesson from her.
For me, the topic was grieving while dating. Leah told us that grieving was a life-long process. Basically, we will never be done grieving. There will always be triggers, be it a specific date, a song, a phrase. There will always be landmarks that our spouses will miss.
Joe missed the birth of his second son, but he also missed his older son's first words, first steps, and first birthday. In the future, he will miss the first day of school, first date, graduation, weddings, and grandchildren being born. On all of those occasions, I will likely think of Joe, and grieve the fact that he is not there to witness these events. It may not hurt the way it hurts now, but I will be grieving his absence.
If we widows wait to be done grieving before we begin dating, we will never date. Plain and simple.
This lesson was so important for me to learn, because it took away the guilt that I felt for wanting to date. It gave me permission to continue living my life, while still missing and grieving my husband.
And so that's what I'm trying to do. Live my life to the fullest, make the most out of each day, look forward to the future, while at the same time allowing myself to miss what I once had, and to grieve for the future.
This blog is a reflection of that.
-b
I realized recently that most of my blog entries revolve around either grieving Joe, or dating new people. This may seem confusing to some of you. How can I be so sad at times, missing Joe, while at the same time I'm excited for a big date?
I joined an amazing support group for young widows a year and a half ago. We still meet informally every Monday night for dinner. When we first began meeting, it was very structured with a facilitator named Leah. Leah had many words of wisdom for us, and I think each of us left with at least one memorable lesson from her.
For me, the topic was grieving while dating. Leah told us that grieving was a life-long process. Basically, we will never be done grieving. There will always be triggers, be it a specific date, a song, a phrase. There will always be landmarks that our spouses will miss.
Joe missed the birth of his second son, but he also missed his older son's first words, first steps, and first birthday. In the future, he will miss the first day of school, first date, graduation, weddings, and grandchildren being born. On all of those occasions, I will likely think of Joe, and grieve the fact that he is not there to witness these events. It may not hurt the way it hurts now, but I will be grieving his absence.
If we widows wait to be done grieving before we begin dating, we will never date. Plain and simple.
This lesson was so important for me to learn, because it took away the guilt that I felt for wanting to date. It gave me permission to continue living my life, while still missing and grieving my husband.
And so that's what I'm trying to do. Live my life to the fullest, make the most out of each day, look forward to the future, while at the same time allowing myself to miss what I once had, and to grieve for the future.
This blog is a reflection of that.
-b
7 comments:
Thanks for sharing that process with us.
I'll look forward to the publishing of the book. Your bloggers should be included in the acknowledgements. :o)
I guess I'd never thought that through. But it does make perfect sense. You'll never be "over" Joe. Thankfully. But just like there's enough love to spread to all the children you may have, there's plenty of love for a new man.
i admire your strength and honesty while dealing with your grief and trying to find the next step in your journey through life. thanks for allowing us to follow along.
i admire your strength and honesty while dealing with your grief and trying to find the next step in your journey through life. thanks for allowing us to follow along.
i admire your strength and honesty while dealing with your grief and trying to find the next step in your journey through life. thanks for allowing us to follow along.
I have to admit, it is so hard to understand, when you haven't been there. But since I haven't been there, I haven't jugded what you do, or questioned it.
But, thank you for the explanation, it does make sense now that you did.
I still think it sucks completely that you had/have to do all this. *grumble*
((b))
B,
It's almost like anything in life. If we wait until we think we're "ready", we'll never step out and take on new things.
I read somewhere once that the best advice a young widow got from a friend was, "*If* you decide to remarry, make sure the guys knows that you'll always be in love with your husband."
I can't say I understand widowhood, but I do know that a person never "gets over" someone they lose. Time just sort of eases the pain, but the grief will last a lifetime. It just takes on a different form and meaning as you continue on with life.
Take things day at a time and have patience.
You're doing good. :-)
-RM
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