Inspiration

Today at school we had a fantastic speaker come to kick of Disability Awareness Month. I don't want to write his name here because I don't want google searches on him leading people to my blog.

TR first stepped on the ice when he was 20 months old. He began playing ice hockey as a little kid, and eventually became so good at it, he earned a full hockey scholarship to Boston University.

His first game that he got to play was televised live. 11 seconds after stepping onto the ice, he lost his balance, and landed in such a way that his spinal chord was damaged. He was suddenly a quadriplegic. He had no more feeling below his neck.

This happened in 1995. Since then he has gone back and graduated from college, written a book, and become a motivational speaker.

I can't imagine living his life. He is unable to feed himself, use the bathroom himself, or do anything independently. His brain still wants things that he used to have, but his body won't cooperate. He has such a positive attitude. I feel like I would just want to die if I was in that position.

I take so much for granted.

I am lucky to have the life I have. This was a good gut check for me.

I am lucky.

-b

Conversation With My Two Year Old

J: (pointing to tv) That's Dora's daddy. I don't have a daddy.
b: You have a daddy sweetie. He loves you very much. Sometimes we visit him.
J: Oh right. At the cemetery.
b: Right. And also, he's in heaven watching you.
J: Oh right. Heaven. He's in heaven and at the cemetery.
b: Right. But he so wishes he was here with you.
J: I like going to the cemetery.
b: I know sweetie.

I know that in many ways it's easier that the boys have no memory of their father. But Joe loved them so much. I mean he looked at Jacob in a way that he hadn't looked at anything. And Jacob doesn't remember it. He doesn't remember his daddy. And that sucks.

I Carry Your Heart with Me
~ e.e. cummings

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Venturing Out

Obviously I am in need of a change. Last week my sister really hurt my feelings by saying that based on how upset I got when NB (anonymous) disappeared maybe I wasn't as ready to date as I thought I was.

And while I still don't totally agree with her, I think in some ways she may be right. (Isn't she always?) Before I can really share myself with another person, shouldn't I know who I am first?

I met Joe when I was 15 years old. I became a widow at 29 years old. Who am I now? What are my likes, my needs? I was so dependent on Joe for giving me an identity. I was his wife. I am a mother. I am a teacher. But I need to go deeper. I need to feel good about being alone. I need to accept the fact that this may be my life for quite some time, and I'd better start living it before it's too late.

So I'm venturing out. I'm taking a break from dating (except for the guy R is fixing me up with.) I guess I should say I'm taking a break from internet dating. I am going to put my energy elsewhere. I am really focused on losing weight. I am going to focus on my students, and my teaching practices. I am going to try to get some pleasure out of being with my kids every day. I am going to finish my masters degree (2 classes to go!)

and.... I am now a full fledged consultant for an amazing company that caters to making homes more beautiful. I found out that legally, I am not allowed to share the name of the company here on my blog. But if you want more info, let me know how to contact you. I will be going to at home parties selling the product, as well as trying to get new people to host parties, and become consultants.

When I went to K in Texas's house last week, I was struck by how beautiful everything was. It was as if it came from a catalog. And it did! She has worked for this company for a few years, and absolutely loves it. I think I will be good at it because I have fallen in love with the product. I think it will be good for me, because it will be one more step towards my independence.

I am on my way to being on my way.

I am venturing out.

-b

Hmmm...

Am slightly leery of posting tonight after one of the comments from yesterday's post. I can see who's reading my blog, and I would kindly request that anonymous refrain from checking this site anymore. Thank you.

On another note, I have some very exciting news to share. I am about to embark on a new business venture thanks to my friend Kelly down in Texas. I will tell you all about it tomorrow. But Mel is also doing it. And we are going to have a party to launch our business in March. And Slacker Mom, Kristi, and all my other local readers are invited to attend. (except for Anonymous)

I can't wait to share everything with you. I am really excited about this new prospect, as the timing couldn't be better. I will be able to continue teaching full time, which is my passion. I will still have plenty of time with my children at home. And I will be able to make some extra money to pay for pre-school next year, doing something that I genuinely think I'll love doing.

So stay tuned. I promise I will share more tomorrow.

-b

I just did something really bad!

The boys have been napping for almost 2 hours, and all this time to myself made me do something that I now regret.

I emailed NB asking him WTF happened. I just want to know. And I know I shouldn't care, but aren't you all wondering too? I just feel the need to know.

Damn those sleeping children.

Damn that stupid boy.

Oh, well.

Any bets on if I'll get a response?

Or what the response might be?

-b

Live In The Moment

I can honestly say that I did that this afternoon.

While Josh seemed better this morning, he awoke from his morning nap with a 102 temp. This cancelled any ideas that I had for us going out this afternoon.

But I took your advice. I lived in the moment, and ended up having a really good day. Part of my attitude change I think has to do with my diet change. I really hated the Atkins diet. I hated every minute of it, and I really think it was messing with my brain. I joined Weight Watchers online last night, and feel so much better about it. I can actually eat foods that I like again, but just need to do so in moderation.

Also, last week was such a hard one for me, it was hard to come out of that funk.

Today was the first time in a while that I felt genuinally happy, despite Josh being sick.

Here's what we did:
-made a fort (cool idea, LW)
-"ice skated" on our hardwood floors
-played dress up
-played with dolls (sorry Brett)
-read tons of books
-looked at photo albums
-made homemade pizza

The last one was so cool. We made the dough from scratch, and then I gave each boy their own dough ball, and toppings to put on it. Here are some pics:

shaping the dough

Josh putting sauce on his dough

Adding the cheese

The finished product

The funniest part to me was while we were eating dinner. I asked Jacob what his favorite part of the day was. His answer? "The ice cream truck."
"The ice cream truck?" I asked.
"Yes. On Dora." (That would be Dora the Explorer)
Glad to know I made such an impact :O)

-b

A Blog Worth Checking Out

I met Judy a year ago in Texas. She is part of the widow posse that met this past weekend. She is an unbelievable writer. I often read her posts on the widow board, and think, "Damn, I wish I could write like that!" Anyways, she got inspired by all the blog talk in Texas, and started her own blog. Here it is.

Judy is about to move across the country to be with her new love, her "Chapter Two." I'm sure I will get a lot out reading about her life, as it will no doubt be changing yet again.

I told her that I have some loyal readers here, who would no doubt enjoy her writing. I'm sure you won't disappoint :O)

Happy reading!

-b

Sometimes the best laid plans....

I'm on vacation this week, and had some great plans lined up for us. Today I was going to take the boys to this really cool indoor play area that I learned about from a different blog. Mel and the girls were going to come with us. (Mel's computer died, by the way. That's why she has been missing)

Tomorrow I was going to send Joshua to day care and was going to take Jacob out to lunch and to his first movie.

And Friday I have a very long overdo hair appointment.

But I woke up to Josh wailing this horrible cry. I went into his room and found that he couldn't move. I though his foot was caught on something, but he was just too weak to move it. As soon as I lifted him I could feel how feverish he was.

I called the doctor on call, because when I tried to put him down on his feet, he fell.

Turns out the poor little guy has coxsackie.

I held him all day. He even came to therapy with me. He just lay in my arms. I don't think he said a single word all day.

So that takes care of our plans for the week. Luckily, I am on vacation, and I didn't/don't have to use any sick days.

Cross your fingers that Jacob doesn't catch it!

-b

More Haiku For Leslie :O)

What actually got me started writing haiku about feelings, versus nature, as they are intended, was a thread on the widow board. It was in Sept. that this thread was started, and I posted 6 of them. Someone ressurected the thread for Valentine's Day. It was interesting reading my old haiku. I wish I could say I'm in a much different state of mind than I was then, but.... anyways, here they are:

alone all the time
my heart torn I'm inside out
please bring him back now

my boys make me smile
how proud their daddy would be
what a gift he left

how are you? they ask
*feeling very down today*
"I'm fine" I reply

holding me in bed
body to body we lay
oh how I miss that

let's go see daddy!
anticipation is great
picnics at his grave

please bring him to me
one more night is all I ask
we don't deserve this

Brokeback Mountain

I am no film critic, but this movie is by far, the best movie I've seen in a very long time. I can't stop replaying it in my head. It was heartbreakingly beautiful. You must go see it. That's my review :O)

Here's a funny thing that happened while at Brokeback Mountain: Kelly and I were the first people to get seats in the stadium theatre. We sat pretty much in the center of the theatre, in the center of the row.

In walks a couple, and out of all the seats in the whole theatre, they sit directly in front of us. No big deal, we move over.

Maybe 25 more people come in and sit all over the theatre.

The movie starts. In walks a couple. Out of the hundreds of seats in the theatre, where do they choose to sit? Next to me! Leaving no space in between us. If the theatre was crowded, this would make sense to me, but it was empty! I had to move my purse, and take my arm off the armrest. Bizarre, I tell you.

Luckily, I got lost in the movie after about 20 minutes. But really. What the heck?

-b

Austin Haiku

Drinking mimosas
Laughter ringing in the air
Just look at us now

The haiku basically sums up my weekend in Austin. I was with 4 widow friends that I met almost a year ago through the young widow board. We realized this weekend that we are the 5,4,3,2,1 widow posse. Kelly has been widowed for 5 years, Angel 4 years, Judy 3 years, I am almost at 2 years, and Jen just passed 1 year.

We are all in different stages of grieving, and those further out are able to give hope to those of us not so far out. Two are in very serious relationships, that will most likely lead to marriage. Two of us are dealing with the hell that is dating. One of us is not ready to begin dating, but thinks she can see it on the horizon.

Two of us lost our husbands while pregnant, two of us lost our husbands very suddenly, two of us know the hell that is cancer.

The weekend was spent laughing, drinking, eating (screw Atkins) talking, and crying (during the movie). It was exciting, relaxing, and memorable.

I can't wait for the next gathering of the widow posse.

Kelly, you were an excellent hostess. Thank you.

-b

I'm home!

But too tired to write.

Tomorrow night I'll post about my trip. And, I have pics!

Missed all of you!

b

To K in Texas:

My email has not been working since yesterday afternoon. I hadn't yet written down your cell number, so I don't have it. Please call my cell and leave your number on it.

This will be a test to see how loyal of a reader you are :O)

See you this afternoon!!!!!!

-b

FYI....

I am heading To Austin, TX tomorrow to spend some quality time with some wonderful girlfriends. I won't be posting again until Tuesday when I get back.

Unless, of course, I am having such horrible withdrawal, K in Texas takes such pity on my, she lets me use her computer :O)

Have a good long weekend!

-b

p.s. I'm going sans children! Woohoo!

Dating While Grieving

I realized recently that most of my blog entries revolve around either grieving Joe, or dating new people. This may seem confusing to some of you. How can I be so sad at times, missing Joe, while at the same time I'm excited for a big date?

I joined an amazing support group for young widows a year and a half ago. We still meet informally every Monday night for dinner. When we first began meeting, it was very structured with a facilitator named Leah. Leah had many words of wisdom for us, and I think each of us left with at least one memorable lesson from her.

For me, the topic was grieving while dating. Leah told us that grieving was a life-long process. Basically, we will never be done grieving. There will always be triggers, be it a specific date, a song, a phrase. There will always be landmarks that our spouses will miss.

Joe missed the birth of his second son, but he also missed his older son's first words, first steps, and first birthday. In the future, he will miss the first day of school, first date, graduation, weddings, and grandchildren being born. On all of those occasions, I will likely think of Joe, and grieve the fact that he is not there to witness these events. It may not hurt the way it hurts now, but I will be grieving his absence.

If we widows wait to be done grieving before we begin dating, we will never date. Plain and simple.

This lesson was so important for me to learn, because it took away the guilt that I felt for wanting to date. It gave me permission to continue living my life, while still missing and grieving my husband.

And so that's what I'm trying to do. Live my life to the fullest, make the most out of each day, look forward to the future, while at the same time allowing myself to miss what I once had, and to grieve for the future.

This blog is a reflection of that.

-b

And On A Totally Different Topic...

I got new seat covers made for my dining room chairs.

Why I ever got chairs with white covers and two toddlers, I'll never know.

Before

After

Sorry For The Delay

I knew it was a good idea to bring the topic to all of you wise souls. Soon after I posted, I got a phone call from my day care provider saying that Joshua had a fever of 103.5 So I had to pick him up and bring him to the doctor's. Poor little guy had a bad ear infection, and wanted to be held all afternoon.

So I wasn't ignoring you and your advice, I was actually off the computer for a change, holding my little boy.

Regarding your advice, I thought everyone had valid points. I was a bit surprised to see such diverse answers, but I guess that's why I asked you.

I was very unhappy with NB's response. What upset me most was that there was no apology. He never said he was sorry for making me worry, or for missing my birthday. He never offered to make it up to me, he never mentioned the future.

I have enough abandonment issues (due to Joe dying) I don't need a boyfriend who takes off for long periods of time without any contact, and then makes lame ass excuses.

I have always told myself that this time around I will not settle for anyone that's not a perfect match for me and my boys. That doesn't mean that the man will be perfect, because frankly, I don't believe anyone is perfect. But there is someone out there that will treat me as well as I treat them.

NB did not live up to that expectation. He let me down, and seems to not feel any guilt for doing so. He is not my perfect match. So I will keep looking, and will eventually find someone worthy. One can only hope at least!

Until then, I hope you'll continue with me on my crazy journey, that has somehow become my life :O)

-b

oh, and in case you're wondering, I did respond to his email. Here's what I wrote:
I'm glad you're ok. I never received an email.

I Have a NB Update!

Yesterday morning I sent him the following email:

B,
Can you please tell me that you're alive?
I have no idea what has happened to you.
You didn't seem like the type of person to just dissapear, so I am very worried that something has happened to you.
If, for whatever reason, you don't want to see me anymore, at least let me know that you are ok, and that M is ok.

thanks,
Betsy

This morning I got back this:

Betsy,

I’m alive. I don’t know what happened. I emailed you on Sunday night (it was too late to call) that I had been in Tahoe over the weekend and had just come down from the mountains. I was supposed to fly back from Reno but the snow in Boston canceled that flight and because of the snow and all the flight cancellations I didn’t end up getting in until Tuesday morning from a Monday night red eye.. when I had to run directly to Fidelity in downtown Boston.  I thought you were pissed at me for not getting back for our plans on Tuesday and that’s why I had not heard from you.  I finished my stuff on Tuesday and came home and crashed after no sleep for like 2 days and yesterday was back at fidelity.

Disappearing acts are not my thing.

B

I have yet to respond, because I want your feedback. But my initial reaction is WTF?????????????

b

2/15/06

Dear Joe,

Tomorrow you are supposed to be turning 33 years old. I hope you are able to celebrate in some way, wherever you are. Please know that we celebrate your life every single day. Even tonight, Josh wanted to look through Jacob's baby album. Every time he saw your picture he would exclaim, "Dada! Dada!"

Not a day goes by where you aren't mentioned by name. Not an hour goes by where I don't think of you. Your sons will know who you were. They will speak your name with pride and love.

I am trying my hardest to live my life, because I know that's what you'd want. I am hoping you'll eventually guide me to someone who will bring love to the boys and me.

I love you Joe. Today, tomorrow, always. I so very much wish you were here.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
b

This Will Be My Last NB Post

At least until there is an update. I am pretty sure something happened to him. There are too many things that just don't add up.

I have emailed his cousin (the one that I was friends with when we were kids) saying that I just needed to know that he and his son are ok. But I got the email address from Owen, who had it from 4 years ago. Since then, she has gotten married and changed her name, so who knows if it's even a valid email?

I will not bash him anymore until I know that he is alive, and well, and just an asshole. Even then, I won't bash him anymore. It's not worth my time and energy.

But I am keeping my fingers crossed that both he and his son are well.

Thanks for being so supportive of me. When I started this blog, I really didn't think anyone would read it, because I didn't think I had anything of interest to say. I never expected to find the kind of support that I have from all of you cyber friends. (To my friends and family that I had before this blog, I always knew how supportive you were!)

I took a sick day today because I woke up feeling like I had the flu; achy, pounding head, and so tired I felt like I could sleep for years. But after sleeping for hours, and taking a shower, I actually feel better than I have in days. It's really nice out, so I think I'll go take a drive by myself. Music playing, window cracked, no one needing me.

Life will be good again.

-b

NB Update!!!!!!

There is none!

This was by far, my worst birthday yet.

However, I am very thankful to all of my friends, family, and cyber friends for sending me so many birthday wishes, and making me laugh at possible NB sceneries. You guys are the best. Thanks.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am now a year wiser. And I will be fine.

-b

Birthday Haiku

My birthday is here

NB still has not called me

What a piece of shit

(feel free to add your own)

Did He Call?

Nope.

Every time the phone rings, every time my email dings, everytime my text message bings, I jump, I hope, I look, I exhale.

Am off to widow group, thank god.

Unfortunately, Mr. Atkins does not allow alcohol. I would love a glass of wine right now. Just one. *sigh*

So it looks like my first birthday/Valentine's date ever aside from Joe, is not to be. Maybe next year. One can only hope.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Of all the shitty things to do......

Why? That's all I want to know.

-b

Updates On My Life

This is a scene from my backyard from earlier today. According to the news, my city received 19 inches of snow. It looks beautiful out, but it was way too cold and windy to take the boys out, even for a few minutes. So we were housebound. And it pretty much sucked. I'll spare you the details, but will say that my sweet two and a half year old broke one of my kitchen cabinets out of anger. That was fun. Please, please, please, let there be school tomorrow!

I still have not heard from NB, and to be honest, am more than troubled by it. I left a voicemail this morning, because I need to know what time to tell sitters for Tuesday if it's gonna happen. Walter was worried that he was avoiding my call based on my number, so he did the honorable thing, and called from his number. No answer either, so that's good. He was supposed to fly home today, but Logan is closed, so who knows when he'll get in.

I'm at a total loss as to why I haven't heard from him. The only possible excuses are that he lost his blackberry, or that he forgot to bring the charger. But if he blows off my birthday, someone had better go kick his ass. There will be no further dates. But the weird thing is, I know that he really liked me. And, he's always been really upfront, no BS. So if there were a problem with us, wouldn't he be upfront?

I'm still doing Atkins. And am actually feeling good about it now. I had more energy today, and was able to exercise mid-day. I also finally got on the scale. I was terrified to do so, so didn't to start out. But the good news is I only (only?) have 35 pounds to lose to be at my thinnest that I've been as an adult. And while that's a lot, I really thought it was more like 50. So 35 sounds pretty doable to me. Last time I lost a ton of weight, I weighed 10 pounds less than now to start. So I'm capable of losing it. The only difference is that was pre-kids, and I was younger, and I was addicted to the gym. But still, I can do it.

When will I hear from NB????????????????????

And what will I do on my b-day if I don't hear from him?

This sucks. I don't need this crap right now, I really don't. Kelly, I cannot wait to see you and bask in the Texan sun next weekend!

-b

p.s. thanks for all of your supportive words yesterday. I get in these funks, and it can be hard to come out of them. I appreciate your help :O)

These Words

I'm in a bad place.

If you've spoken to me recently, I imagine that you picked up on it.

Yes, the Atkin's Diet is making me a bit nuts.

Yes, I still haven't heard from NB, and am paranoid that it's over.

But neither of those things are at the root of my depression. Neither of those things are making me cry after hanging up the phone with my sister. neither of those things caused me to sleep part of the day away. (my brother and sister-in-law watched the boys.)

I just saw a Valentine's day commercial. It was for some jewelry, and they had the lyrics to Natasha Bedinfield's song, these words.

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Valentine's Day happens to be my birthday. I so miss being told those words. It has been 21 months since I have heard those words from Joe. Or from any man.

I recently found the birthday card Joe gave me for my 29th birthday; the last we celebrated together. The cover said, "You are my favorite thing." The inside simply said, "ever." Followed by Joe's impossibly messy script. "Happy Birthday, I love you xoxoxo, Joe"

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

And I know it looks like I've made progress, and I know that I have. But right now I feel like Joe just died. I just want him back. I want a new card from him on Tuesday. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to hear those words.

I'm in a bad place.

-b

Indulge Me

for just a moment, please

Have not spoken to NB since Tuesday. I text messaged him last night that I was heading to bed, but was thinking of him. Haven't heard back.

He is across the country for work. He won't be home until Sunday night. But I do already have plans with him for Tuesday.

Am starting to freak out. Thoughts?

b

p.s. what if he's dead?

The Question I hated The Most

after Joe died, was "How did he get the chicken pox?"

I thought that was the most asinine question at the time.

"Who the fuck cares how he got them!" I felt like shouting to anyone, and everyone who asked. "He's dead!"

The follow up question would always be, "Didn't he have them as a kid?" and then, "Did he get the vaccine?"

Joe's cousin's wife actually had the audacity to say, "Stooopid," after hearing that no, he hadn't had them as a child, and no, he hadn't been immunized as an adult. I still refer to her as "D, the bitch."

This question may not have bothered me so much if it wasn't asked repeatedly. And when I say repeatedly, I mean almost every single person that I came into contact with after he died. And that was an awful lot of people.

And I really didn't understand how it was relevant. He got them somehow, and then died. The dying part was what I cared about.

To this day, when people find out that he died from the chicken pox, that's still the # 1 question I get.

But maybe now I'll be a little more tolerant.

One of my student's mothers called me this morning. She told me that T would be out of school for a week.

He has the chicken pox.

Guess what I said?

Yep, "How did he get them?"

-b

Who Am I?

Transition:
The moments, strung out over months,
Where I know I am no longer the woman I was, but not quite the woman I am becoming

This quote from one of my widow books pretty much sums me up.

-b

Food Diary
(Starting Atkins tomorrow, didn't have the right food for it today)

breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs

snack:
orange

lunch:
weight watchers frozen meal

snack:
(over the course of afternoon)
small bag pretzels
apple
carrot sticks
green beans

dinner:
boiled artichokes
tuna fish

dessert:
sugar free popsicle

exercise:
30 minutes elliptical

Freaked Out

Last night at widow group we discussed getting signs from our husbands that they are here with us. As you know, I've had a few. And now I just had another one. But this one scared the crap out of me.

When I got home from work today, I took the boys across the street to play at our neighbor's house. When we got home, we came in through the front door instead of the back. I threw my purse and keys on the stairs.

When I took the boys up to bed, Jacob reached for my keys on the stairs, and I told him not to touch them. He said, "I'm just looking mommy."

So just a few minutes ago I went to put the keys from my stairs, to the normal place I keep them, near the back door. I didn't want Jacob to be tempted to play with them in the morning.

I walk to the stairs and see my purse sitting there. No keys. Immediately freak out that someone broke in and took my keys.

Pick up phone and call Mel so she can call cops if I come across serial killer in my house.

Walk into kitchen, switch on light, lightbulb blew.

Now I'm freaking out completely (just ask Mel).

Then I saw them. The keys were hanging. Where Joe used to hang his keys.

Chills, chills, chills, chills.

Love the signs, but am scared out of my fucking mind.

-b

My Body

I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be thin. Once upon a time.
To pinpoint exactly what happened isn't really possible, but I can try.

I got pregnant, had a baby, and got pregnant again almost immediately.

Husband died while pregnant.

Food became a source of comfort for me. I never really understood that concept before. I've always loved food, mind you. But I just liked how it tasted. After Joe died, it became something else to me. It filled up an empty space. Or at least, that became the intent. I would eat and eat and eat, like it was an Olympic sport, trying to fill this huge void. But it never got filled.

And now I can honestly say that I hate the way I look.

The good news is I hate it so much, I have vowed to make a change. I will go down 3 sizes by August. That's the plan. How will I do it? I will eat less, and exercise. Nothing extreme, just those two things.

Today:
breakfast- bowl of raisin bran
snack- orange, 3 m&m's
lunch- eggplant (I know, not good, but leftovers)
snack- small bag pretzels
exercise- 30 minutes on elliptical (Yes, it's true! Mel, get on your bike!)
dinner- weight watchers lo mein (5 points)

I will get my body back. I will, I will, I will.

-b

Damn Blogger!

So I was all set to post last night after widow group. I knew exactly what to write and everything.

Got home, paid the sitter, took off nylons, opened laptop.

Surprise, surprise, blogger was down AGAIN!

This time for maintenance, so maybe things will improve with it.

But regardless, I don't have time for a real post until tonight after boys go down.

Off to start the day.

Have a good one, everyone!

b

It's All In The Attitude

Thanks to Slacker Mom, I had a really amazing weekend with my kids. The past few posts she has written have been about seizing the day, not taking any one moment for granted, and having a positive attitude towards your kids.

So I took her words of wisdom, and applied them to my weekend. And much to my surprise, they worked!

I had no plans for this weekend, which in my book, is equivilent to a death sentence. But I really tried to relax, and enjoy my kids instead of finding them to be work.

I'll spare you all the details, but will share just one moment. Today was a beautiful day. Almost 60 degrees at one point, and not a cloud in the sky. Pretty much unheard of in MA in February. I took the boys to the playground, just the three of us. (full disclosure: I did ask others to join, but no one could.) The three of us climbed to the top of the jungle gym and went down the slide all together.

The wind blowing our hair, the sun shining on our faces, the laughter coming from our mouths. And not the fake laughter, the real, deep down from your gut laughter. I felt 100 % happy. I loved that moment, and felt truly blessed to be the mother of my sons.

So thank you, Slacker Mom. You made my weekend.

-b

Creatures Of Habit

An odd thing happened to me this afternoon, and it threw me off a bit.

First, I must backtrack to this morning. I gave myself a "time out" in my bedroom, because Joshua was having the temper tantrum from hell in the kitchen, and Jacob was whining in the living room. I simply couldn't take it, so I decided that the best thing for all parties was for me to go upstairs for 5 minutes.

My cat, Scout raced me up the stairs, and jumped up onto the bathroom sink. This is her usual routine, because for some reason she loves drinking out of the faucet. I figured I'd turn the faucet on, take my time out, and turn the faucet off.

Well, you've probably figured out what happened next. Yes, I 100% forgot that the faucet was running, and I left for work for the day.

We got home at 4:00 and I went upstairs to use the bathroom. Halfway up the stairs I hear it. Water streaming into the sink. My heart just about sank into my stomach, and I sprinted (yes, I sprinted) up the rest of the stairs.

Thankfully, the drain must be pretty clear because the water didn't overflow. But it the sink was about halfway filled.

Relieved, I picked up the phone. Who was I going to call? Joe.

Yes, I thought Joe would enjoy hearing about my stupidity. And just as quickly as I picked up the phone, I realized that I couldn't call Joe. And of course, I started to cry.

It was really surprising to me that my gut instinct was still to call him. I'm still processing that. And it still breaks my heart to think that I can't call him. And I wonder if either of those things will ever fade away.

Mel and her girls came to play a little bit later, and somehow (how did it happen?) Mel knocked off the cover to the smoke detector downstairs. And out of the smoke detector fell a penny. Supposedly finding random pennies is supposed to be a sign from the dead that they are with you. The medium had told me that Joe does that all the time, but I never notice. This one, I noticed. Because how often does a penny fall from a smoke detector?

So I guess Joe was telling me that I didn't need to call him on the phone, because he saw the whole thing. And maybe, just maybe, he had something to do with me not coming home to a flood.

b

You Know Those Moments?

The ones that feel so perfect, so right, you would give anything to keep the moment from ending?

I had one of those moments last night.

And as much as I know my loyal readers are tuning in for all the juicy date details, some things (not many) are too sacred to post about.

-b