My Birthday

sucked
for the most part

Here was the day:

It started out nice. I found out that we had a snow day at 6am, and was thrilled. My mom stopped by around 10 and took the boys outside to play.
Here is Josh after coming in from the snow
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Joe's medical files were delivered to my house. I ended up sitting and reading the entire file while the boys napped. There was some surprising information in them, as well as hard information to read. It was also interesting to read about myself in the third person, and read myself quoted. It was a hard read, and I haven't gotten over it yet.
Then the boys and I baked the most delicious cookies
Here they are:
Then I put the boys to bed, cleaned the house, made myself dinner and sat on the couch. Oh wait! Did you want to see the flowers that T sent me? Or the card or present he gave me? Hmm, so did I.

I am seriously beginning to despise my birthday.

-b

Birthdays

It doesn't seem fair
that tomorrow
I will turn
a year older
than Joe
ever
got
to
turn

I know that this
year
I am in a much
better place than last
year

When I was dating that
shithead
who stood me up
on my birthday

And I know I should be thankful
to be dating someone
who truly loves me
and wants me to
be happy

and I am

but
it still doesn't seem right
that Joe never got to
turn 32

I wonder if I will
ever enjoy
my birthday
again

-b

Heaven

Tell us a story
about heaven
they said to me
tonight

you want to hear a story
about heaven?
I clarified

yes
tell us a story
about daddy in heaven

ok
I said

Heaven is a beautiful place
where everyone is
happy all the time

and the best part of heaven
is that you get to watch
all the people
you loved most
in the world

and your daddy spends his days
watching the people
he loved most in this world

So your daddy spends
his days
watching the two of you
and is so happy
because you are so happy

I miss him mommy
I know
I do too

-b

T

Have I told you lately
how awesome
T
is
to
me?

He rocks

He has been
by my side
through
this
whole
shitty
week

and
I
love
him

I
do
I
love
him

-b

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Once a week, since September I have had a grad school night routine. I leave my house at 5pm, and drive for 14 minutes to Cambridge. I park in Harvard Square at my school (not Harvard, btw), and walk for 5 minutes to Boca Grande. Every week I order the same thing: Cheese quesadilla with all the toppings, a side of rice, and water. The total each week comes to $4.98.
Tonight was a little different. T decided to come with me, and to walk around Harvard Square while I was in class. We drove, parked, and walked as usual. I ordered my normal fare, and T ordered a chicken platter and a small iced tea. The total came to $16.80. I paused, thinking that this was a bit high, considering my meal is usually $5.00, but then payed the cashier, assuming that T's meal was a lot more expensive than mine.

Once we were sitting down eating, I surveyed the menu board. T's meal was in fact only $4.50, and his drink was $1.50. I was cheated!

I ate my meal like a civilized person, and then informed T that I was going to get my money back. I went up to the cashier and informed her that I had been over charged. She re-totaled up what we ordered, and it came to $12.00. I explained that I had been charged $16.80. She asked if I had a receipt, and I told her that she never gives me a receipt. No receipt, no refund. What?

I argued as best I knew how, even asking to speak to the manager. "No manager," I was told.
In a shaky voice I informed the cashier that I come into the restaurant every single week, and that they were about to lose me as a customer over $5.00. She told me that was fine. I held back my tears and stormed out, T following behind.

He asked me if I was more upset about the $5.00 or the fact that I could no longer go back there. No doubt, I am more upset that I will never eat one of their delicious cheese quesadillas again. Yet another thing to mourn.

-b

Funeral Time

So I'm going against my father-in-law's final wishes, and burying him here, next to his son, instead of 5 hours away in upstate New York. There are many reasons I'm doing this, and I don't really feel like posting them right now. Maybe later.

The past few days have sucked. Jay (my father-in-law) left me quite a mess to take care of. I am physically, and mentally exhausted.

And now, I get to go stand in below 0 temperatures as we have a graveside funeral for Joe's dad. And then, his whole family will be buried. And I will attempt to move on.

-b

Joe and his dad
a few years ago

He Died

at 5:50 this morning

shit

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

Breathe

except look at the shirt above
he wore this shirt
all the time
how can I take it
out of the closet?

Breathe

Or these shirts above
they came back from the dry cleaners after Joe died
He took them there
when he was still alive

Breathe

Or this shirt above
The sleeves are still rolled up
he rolled them up
and they're still that way

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

-b

Updates

There's not too much to update, but for the sake of keeping up with my blog, I'll give it a shot.

My father-in-law is still alive. Which is good for many reasons, least of which is that I am in charge of his funeral, and he has decided for some asinine reason, to be buried 5 hours away from us. Who he expects to attend this funeral 5 hours away is beyond me, but he expects a proper service/burial. Whatever.

Grad School: I'm taking my very last class! It started last Wednesday night, and it's actually fun! I'm pretty proud of myself for going back to school and finishing this degree that I started so long ago. It will be a huge relief to finally be done.

My class: at school is the same as ever, but today I got a surprise; a new student. Just what we needed....

My sons: Are both doing well. They still talk about death a lot, but it's not bothering me anymore. They'll randomly say things like, "Did you know that my daddy is in heaven?" Or they'll put out flowers from a vase (That T got for me) and when I tell them to put them back they'll ask why they need to. And when I explain that the flowers will die if they stay out of the water, they'll ask if the flowers will then go to the sky. And when I say yes, they say that they want the flowers to stay out of the water.

T: Is wonderfully amazing. I love when he's here, I hate when he's away, and I'm scared this will all end.

Any other updates you would like? Ask away!

-b

Saying Goodbye
(part two)

We never had
a good relationship
due to the fact
that he was
a shitty father
and a shitty
grandfather
he was
and is
a cheap bastard
who never gave
any of us
a dime
He can talk
and talk
and talk
for hours
about the most boring topics
known to man
He always asked me the
same questions
over
and
over
and
over
clearly never
paying attention
to the answers I provided
At times
I have hated him
I never thought I
would miss him
So why did I cry
as I said
goodbye?

-b

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow the boys
and I
will travel
to Hartford

To visit my
father-in-law
and to say goodbye

He is dying
and will be gone
very soon

It will be
a very
sad
day

-b

The Interview

So my blog buddy, Nick wrote a post yesterday about interviewing a reader. He may have been joking, but I jumped at the chance. (surprise surprise!) Here are the questions he asked me, and the honest answers that I promised him:

You started blogging in November of '05, just over a year ago. A lot of blogs don't last that long. What keeps you going?

My blog has been a type of therapy for me. I have had so many ups and downs these past few years, and it has been a place for me to work through my emotions. I realize that I could do this in a journal, but then I wouldn't get any feedback. And those comments are addictive. I love the feedback I have received over the past year and a bit. This blog has also been a good way for friends to check in on me. Many of them never comment, but they are reading, and making sure that I'm ok. I've also made some actual real life friends from this blog. That has been an added bonus. It has become harder to keep up recently, mostly because T is often around, and I don't blog in front of him. But I still try to write a few entries a week.

If computers became illegal today, who from the internet would you try the hardest to find?

I would try my hardest to find this blog. I've never backed it up or anything, and would be crushed if I lost everything I had written. So I guess I'd be trying my hardest to find myself.

Fast forward 10 years. Tell us one thing about your life.

I am happily married and have a third child.

Your husband died almost three years ago at the age of 31. What advice would you give to someone who is just now going through what you went through at that time?

Let people help you. It's ok to cry every day. Join a support group! You are stronger than you could ever imagine yourself to be. Someday you will find happiness again.

Obviously we don't get do-overs in life. Imagine we did. If you could go back in time and change one, and only one, thing you've said or done, what would it be?

The night I went to see Joe at the hospital I would not have stopped at the front desk. I would have just marched right into Joe's hospital room, and held him, and told him how much I loved him. The fact that I stopped at the front desk, and was told that I couldn't see Joe, will forever haunt me. It was my last chance to see him conscious.

You're auditioning for American Idol. What song are you going to sing?

Obviously you've never heard me sing! But if I had to sing something it would have to be, "The Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Oh yeah.

Who's Patrick?

LOL! Patrick was the aide in my classroom last year. He had worked here for two years prior to that, but I never got to know him until last year. Patrick is one of the nicest, funniest, easiest to be around guys that I know. He's a good friend.

You surprise T with carry-out Chinese one night and discover him in bed with another woman. Do you leave immediately and eat the Chinese (like I would), or stay to confront them, letting the perfectly good Chinese go to waste?

I would join in. Just kidding! I would confront him, and then cry for the next week. The food would never get eaten.

Being a teacher, what advice do you have for someone considering a career in education?

Don't do it! It's way harder than people perceive it to be.

What advice do you wish someone would have given you when you decided to become a teacher?

I really don't know. I was given lots of advice, but brushed most of it off because I was a cocky new teacher.

What's your favorite and least favorite part of being a teacher?

My favorite part of being a teacher is watching a student understand something that s/he didn't previously understand. I had a lot of difficulty in school as a kid, and I love when I can actually help a struggling student not struggle any more. My least favorite part is dealing with bad behavior from students, parents and administrators.

Describe your mood right now in one word.

Anxious

If you could instantly and permanently change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd be skinny

You can marry any celebrity you want. Congratulations.

Why thank you!

Describe each of your children using one sentence that doesn't run on for a whole paragraph.

Jacob is a sweet, strong willed, funny, slightly strange, inquisitive child.
Josh is a cuddly, funny, smart, strong willed, mostly happy child.

Imagine you were never married and never had kids. How do you think your life would be different?

Perhaps I'd be living in a city somewhere closer to my sister. I doubt I would be very happy at this point in my life if I had never married, nor had kids. Both were so important to me. Dating would be far less complicated though!

Boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs?

Boxers, or boxer briefs. NO BRIEFS!!!!

You're going to be executed today. Should have just left and ate the Chinese... What's your last meal consist of?

Eggplant parm, good French bread with lots of butter, molten chocolate cake.

Any parting words?

I'm wondering why anyone reads my blog, including you. It's often so depressing! I appreciate all my readers though, and want to thank you for reading!

Thanks b :)
Thank you!

-b

Help My sister
(again)

Now that you've helped her pick a name for her baby to be, she has another question for you. Have any of you used a doula during labor and delivery? Can you share anything about your experience? Also, how much would you be willing to pay? Maybe if enough of you respond, she'll let you in on the name :O)

-b

Josh is sick
again

I walked into my classroom this morning, and noticed the red light was flashing on my phone. I checked my voicemail, and heard Josh's sitter's voice. I knew that could not be good. Josh had a fever of 103. How did I miss that when he woke up this morning????

I'm home with him now, waiting to see the doctor yet again. This will be trip number 4 in the past 5 weeks. I am starting to get very frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

-b

T is back!

T came home a day early
He surprised us by being here
when we got home

He took us out to dinner
While waiting for our food
Josh nuzzled into T's arm

and said

I love you

I teared up
of course

and T told Josh
that he loved him too

Now T's reading
Curious George
and putting the boys to bed

is it a wonder I missed him?

life is good
tonight

-b

I Miss T

He's away for work this week
and I just want him here
that is all

-b

When Will He Come Back?

That is the latest question
my 2 and 3 year old are asking
repeatedly

Why did he have to die?
is the other one
that keeps coming up

Never, and I don't know
just don't seem to be
sufficient answers

Because he was cheated out of life
and you were cheated
out of having him as a father
is what I would like to say

I guess they waited for the
grief to be easier for me
so that I can help them

as they truly face the loss
that has been with them
for two and a half years

I wish I had the answers
instead I only have questions

-b

Trip To The ER

This afternoon, after a nice day with the boys, Jacob fell. Not a crazy fall, just a normal, slip on the kitchen floor. He landed on his butt, and seemed fine. But he started to cry, so I sat on the floor to hug him. As soon as I took him in my arms, his head fell backwards, his eyes disappeared into his head, and he was out cold.

I called his name a few times, then began panicking. I carried him into the living room, and called 911. While on the phone with the operator he started making noises, and by the time the ambulance arrived he was fully conscious.

We went to the er and were released within 2 hours. The doctors think that either the pain, or the scare of the fall caused him to pass out.

Those moments, where Jacob was passed out in my arms, were quite possibly the scariest of my life. And I've had some scary moments.

-b

How did daddy die?

Just about every day
for the past week
or so

that question has been asked
by the boys

"He got really sick," I reply.

"With what?" They ask.

"With a bad sickness."

"Are we gonna die?"

"Not until you're very, very old."

"Was daddy very very old?"

blah

-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!

Poor T

He wanted to make the two of us
a romantic dinner tonight
he searched the internet
for a recipe

went to my favorite
produce store
to buy the freshest
ingredients

bought a nice bottle of wine

came home
and started cooking

the appetizers were
delicious

warm Brie
roasted garlic
fresh bread
crackers
and crabcakes

the salad with balsamic vinagrette
was perfect

but the pasta
with porcini mushrooms
sauteed with fresh tomato
white wine
and olive oil
was inedible

In fact
I spit it out
I couldn't even fake it

T was just a tad bit hurt

-b
(it's not too late to delurk)

Gulliver Traveled

To Widow Group
(pictured is 8 out of 10 members. Julie is behind the camera, and Monique moved back to Belgium this past summer)

Loweded Wookie had a whole bunch of rules on his blog about what one needs to do if they have Gulliver for a visit. I'll summarize the most important part here:

With regards the photos. While scenery is pretty cool and thereÂ’s some amazing places on earth, I know because I live in one of those places, what makes a place so cool is the people. I want to see the people where you live, not just your families but people in the city or surrounding areas. Show me parties with your friends, show me drunken bums holding Gulliver just show me the people that make where you live special and such a great place to live. That is the purpose of this experiment anyway, to show that we humans are just like everyone else despite borders,colorss, creeds, and religions. BTW, you donÂ’t need to be in the photo if you donÂ’t want to but if you do that would be awesome.

Part of what makes where I live so great, and part of the reason it would be so difficult for me to leave, is widow group. I know I've posted about them before, but they are worth many, many blog entries. These women all lost their husbands within the same year that I lost Joe. Most of us were strangers when we met in October of 2004. We all remember those first support group meetings. We were so sad, and it was so heartbreaking to hear the stories of how we all lost our spouses.

Our leader, Leah, told us that soon we would be looking forward to meetings, and we would even find ourselves laughing at the meetings. None of us believed her. We felt so hollow, laughter seemed like a distant memory.

But with time, and with the support of each other, we did start laughing again. I posted a year ago that every widow group there are tears, and every widow group there is laughter. That was true, even tonight.

There are tears for what we lost, for what our husbands, and children, and children never born lost. There are tears for the memories of illnesses, and saying goodbyes, and for never getting the chance to say goodbye. There are tears for the loneliness, and the aches in our hearts that will never ever leave.

But there is laughter too. Lots and lots of laughter. What do we laugh about? Life. Because even though we all lost a part of ourselves when our husbands died, we are still alive. And with the support of widow group, we are all living.

In my opinion Gulliver traveled to the best party out there. I feel so lucky to be able to join my widow group friends every Monday night.

As to where Gulliver will travel to next, it's been a really hard decision for me. I love all of my blog readers, and you are all worthy of a visit from this cheerful little guy.

I think after bringing him to widow group, it's only fitting to pass him on to another widow. So Pentha send me your address through a pm on the widow board. Gulliver is coming your way.

-b

National Delurking Week!

This is the week that everyone comes out of the closet!
If you read this blog at all
please out yourself
You don't have to say much
but say something!
Widow group, this includes you!

-b

Has Everyone Gone Crazy?

It may be this insane weather
we've been having
65 degrees in January
in Boston?

Or maybe it's the sugar
from the holidays
wearing off
slowly

Or maybe it's
the full moon
that just recently
ended

All I know
is that every child
I have come into contact with
today

both at school
and at home
have been acting
in such a way

That make me
desire
a loooong
break from children

Anyone else?

-b

Gulliver is here!

A while back, when I was feeling blue (not sure exactly when, could have been anytime actually), my good blogger friend, Loweded Wookie decided to cheer me up. He got an idea to send me Gulliver. I need to take pictures of Gulliver in Boston, and post a blog entry about his stay here, and then send him on to one of my blog readers who will do the same. Along with Gulliver came a notebook to write in, and a present from Loweded Wookie to me. A book of pictures of his native New Zealand.

LW, you made my day! Thank you for starting this project with me. (and now I know your real name! I promise not to divulge it)

So...who would like to be the next recipient of Gulliver?

-b

My Boyfriend...

T went away this afternoon for work
He'll be in CA for 8 days
He left the house hours after I did
and he left behind

love notes!
7 in all, hidden throughout the house
I've only found six so far
They are so sweet, I'm willing to ignore the fact
that my name is misspelled on all of them :O)

-b

Happy New Year!

Sorry I've been such a sucky blogger as of late, but T has been here all week, and I don't blog in front of him, nor do I check my blog in front of him, so it has caused me some blogging issues.

But he's still asleep upstairs, and I am getting ready for my first day back at school. note: getting ready=writing on blog.

We had a really good week off, and I've been dreading going back to work. But New Year's Day was soooo slow and boring that I think it was just what I needed to get myself wanting to get back into my normal routine.

Anyways, just wanted to check in real quick, and let you know that all is well.

I'll write more tonight.

-b
p.s. Gina, I do have a counter, but I never check it anymore. But regardless, I'm so happy you're checking in regularly!

first fight

Last night we had our first real fight
We've fought before
over little trivial things
but last night was a big one

about trust
and lies
and things like that

I was proud of the way we fought
no one left the room
voices were barely raised

We talked our way though it
came to a resolution
and all was good

Yay us

-b

I'm Back!

The boys and I had an amazing weekend in Upstate NY with T's family. His parents welcomed us into their home like we were family, and his sister was awesome. I really could have stayed all week, but we had to get back for T's job. Below are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Christmas Eve pre church picture

a fuzzy picture of T's house
Christmas morning (yes, it's still dark)
T's mom watching over the boys

-b

Tomorrow's The Day

Wish me luck!

We're off to T's parent's house until Tuesday night. I will be collecting blog entries my whole visit. I will give you an update when I get back, but I've as nervous as can be right now.

Merry Christmas!

love,
b

p.s. the Mary post was a joke. Patrick really did tell me that, but I knew he was kidding. Sorry for making some of you worried, and even sorrier that some took offense to the post. I still think it's pretty funny though.

Thank God for Patrick

Everyone else assumed I knew that you are supposed to dress up as Mary or Baby Jesus on Christmas morning. But Patrick quietly filled me in, so as not to embarrass me for my lack of knowledge. Thank you, Patrick. I've got my Mary clothes all picked out. T's family will never know how clueless I once was about this holiday of theirs.

-b

blah

I had a funny
entry
all ready to go

but
i don't have it
in me
tonight

i just want
to cry
and
I'm not even sure
why

I may just be
exhausted
from having sleepless nights
with josh
who is sick
again

I may be frustrated
with T
because he's so grumpy
because he's sick
again

I may just be missing Joe
for reasons
not completely clear
to me

maybe it's the holiday cards
with the family names
all intact

or the memories
of those days in
the hospital
that just keep
haunting me

or the fear
that things won't
work out with T
and I'll need to start all over
again

whatever the reason
I'm melancholy
tonight
and the funny entry
will just have to wait
until I have joy in
my heart
again

-b

Tis' The Season

I miss Joe tonight
no surprise really
spent yesterday with
his family
but no Joe
sucks really

There's a commercial on tv
right now
Debeer's ad for diamonds
A woman is sleeping peacefully in bed
Her husband sneaks out of bed
goes downstairs
and comes back with a necklace

Damn commercial
makes me cry
every time

The song that goes with it
is what gets to me

I miss Joe

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you, but my words
Just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I cant think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, Im always walking with you
Im always walking with you, but I look and youre not there
Whoever Im with, Im always, always talking to you
Im always talking to you, and Im sad that
You cant hear, sad that you cant hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
When I look and youre not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
And -- each night and day I pray, in hope
That I might find you, in hope that I might
Find you, because hearts can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I cant think of right words to say

-b

Hanukkah Cheer

Yesterday we hosted a Hanukkah party at our house. Mel and Nikki came, along with their families. My parents and brother were also there. The kids had a blast, and got awesome presents. Today we visited Joe's family in the city that I like to call the most depressed city in MA. They are also the most depressing family to be around, but they behaved pretty well today. My kids got way too many presents. They are loving this holiday!

(kids at party decorating Hanukkah cookies. No idea why Jacob looks pissed. He loved the whole day)

(The party continued on Jacob's bed. It was transformed into a bus, and was played on, without adults supervising, for a long, long time)

(Jacob got his kiddush cup)(Josh with his doll, and about a gazillion other presents!)

-b

Happy Hanukkah!

I'm Done!

My big research paper is complete! Going in the mail tomorrow!!!!! Thanks for all your help and encouragement. Now I need to take my last class next semester and I will be done with graduate school. It only took me seven years...

-b

Reality Overkill

So you all know that I love reality TV. It's actually the only TV genre I watch these days. I realize they are crappy, but it's what I like. Deal with it.

What some of you know is that I used to be obsessed with the movie, "Dirty Dancing." By used to, I mean the 7th grade, and by obsessed I mean I saw it in the movie theatre ten times. Really. Ten times. Then I bought the video when it came out and watched it endlessly. I had every line memorized and my siblings and I performed a lip synch to the talent show song.

But even I, a hardcore fan of both all things reality, and Dirty Dancing think that this is too much. For those of you too lazy to click, WE has created a new reality TV show called, "Dirty Dancing." Their catch phrase is, "18 will dance. Only one will have the time of her life."

I will watch only so that I can properly make fun of it. Really. Just once. Or twice. And of course I'll have to watch the finale. But that's it. Because this show is pure crap.

-b

Help Me

I need to come up with Christmas gifts for T's family. We will be staying with them for 3 or 4 days. I got them a housewarming gift, but what do I give for Christmas?

I need something for his mom, dad, and 25 year old sister. I would like to spend under $30 per person.

Ideas?

-b

p.s. This will be my first time meeting them, and I don't know too much about any of their likes/dislikes.

It's almost 6:30 and I'm...

Still at work. That may not seem late to many of you, but as a teacher/mom, it's pretty damn late for me. Been working hard on my research paper. I decided to go with Kelly's idea about delaying boys who turn 5 in the summer from entering K until they are 6. It's been pretty interesting to research. The most interesting aspect for me was how this is helping to cause the achivement gap. It's almost always middle class/upper class white boys who are delaying entry until they are 6. Children from lower income homes, and children of color are entering K at age 5 because their parents can't afford an extra year of daycare/preschool. As a result, they are at an extra disadvantage when they enter school. Also, due to kids entering K later, parents have demanded a more rigorous curriculum, which then sprirals upward. I would love to hear JRowe's take on this, since she is a K teacher.

Speaking of JRowe, I've been having a disagreement with one of her husband's friends. Check it out (the disagreement is in the comments) , and tell me if I'm crazy. (well I know I'm crazy, but are my arguments crazy?) I had this same disagreement with MK last year, and I stand by my feelings.

Anyways, off for my first parent teacher conference with Jacob's teachers. Am slightly nervous, even though I talk to them every day, and don't think there will be any surprises. We'll see.

Oh, and T is giving notice at his apartment complex today. Now that he's working mostly in Boston, he realized it's just too hard to live in NH. A friend of his is looking to sublet her apatment, and it's just 15 minutes away from my house!!1

Gotta run.

love,
b

To Answer Your Questions...

We could here more about T, any long term plans for you all. Is he still looking for a job nearby?

Actually he ended up getting that job I told you about a while back. He starts on Monday and we are both excited for the change. The job involves some travel, but is mostly based in the Boston area. We decided to wait 6 more months before he moves in though. We both feel good about that decision. When he's working out of Boston, like he is all of next week, he'll spend every night here. But when he's based in another state, we'll still have our space.

How's school going? (Graduate stuff, not your day job.) Tell us about that!

Ugh. Well, as you know, I am taking my second to last graduate class. It started out as a breeze, and the class itself is still easy. But I have a gigantic research paper due 3 weeks from tomorrow, and I haven't started yet. I mean, I don't even really have my topic yet. I also have a lot of smaller papers due, so I've been working on getting those done so that I can fully (yeah, right) focus on my big paper. The big paper needs to be about a problem facing schools, and a way to resolve the problem. I need 10 journal articles that examine a solution to the problem. Half should be supporting one way, and the half should be against it. Then I need to state my opinion. I'm open to any and all suggestions for topics.

How about the boys' Hanukkah wish list? What WAS on that Thanksgiving day menu? How is Brooklyn? Is the WW thing still on track?

The boys really don't have a wish list for presents. Every catalog that comes to the house they grab and say they want every item in them. They are getting an easel, art supplies, books, and dramatic play items. Josh is also getting a doll, and Jacob is getting the kiddush cup he wanted :O)

Thanksgiving Day menu was delicious. We had the obligatory turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Plus gratin potatoes, twice stuffed sweet potatoes, grilled root vegetables, asparagus, brussel sprouts, and broccoli and cauliflower with melted cheese. For dessert there was an apple crisp, two types of brownies, a pumpkin roll, and an ice cream cake. (all homemade)

WW is still on track for the most part. Thanksgiving was a lost cause, but this week I'm back on course.

Any other questions?

-b

I don't have much to say

That's a first, huh?

Maybe I need a little blogging break.

I'll be back soon.

-b

I am thankful

for memories
for photographs
for hugs & kisses
for the ability to laugh
for books
for a boyfriend that adores me
for the pitter patter of little feet
for the sound of my boys singing
for a home
for enough money to support my family
for friends who care
for music
for a job that I normally like
for family
for my health
for reality tv
for a place to write my thoughts
for freedom
for life

I am thankful

-b

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Things that make you go hmmm...

• Today Jacob announced that when he gets older he wants to wear underwear like mine.
• There is a new reality tv show about brothers named Jacob and Joshua. They are gay rock singers trying to break into the business. Don't believe me? Check this out.
• I went to a Thanksgiving Day feast at Jacob's preschool yesterday. A mom that I had just met told me that every time she brings her daughter into the classroom, she notices Jacob sitting by himself looking sad. She wanted to know if anything was going on at home. "Well," I responded, "His dad died." That shut her up.
• This Thursday will be my third Thanksgiving without Joe. That seems so unbelievable to me. He was just here, wasn't he?
• My bottom left tooth hurts every time I eat something the least bit sweet. Does that mean I have a cavity?
• Brooklyn continues to bark every timeT and I have "alone time." WTF is up with that? T tells me to tune it out, but that's just not possible for me. It's the same as one of my kids crying. Hard to feel aroused while such things are going on.
• There is a small outbreak of lice at my school. By small I mean contained to one class. By contained to one class I mean contained to my class. I had the nurse check my head today, but despite her assurance that my head was nitfree, I can't stop scratching my head.
• I think this Thanksgiving will be a good one. I really do....
  
• Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

-b

Knock on Wood

Jacob may actually
be potty trained!

-b

Random Notes

• When I told T that I was joining weight watchers, he looked me in the eyes, and said, "Why?" And he didn't start laughing, he meant it. He's too sweet.

• Weight watchers/exercising is going well so far. Have stuck to the program, and worked out 2 out of the past three days. Fingers crossed that I stick with it.

• T bought the boys books at Barnes & Noble the other day. He bought them Clifford and Where the Wild Things Are. The past two nights Jacob has requested Clifford, while Josh has asked to read Where the Wild things are, in his crib. While I've read to Jacob, Josh has been reading to himself in his crib. It's the cutest thing to witness. He reads each page with voices of monsters. The words are all about being monsters, not what the real words are, but he's reading! I have to catch it on video. And his little voice making the noises is priceless.

• Yesterday was a very long day of meetings to discuss issues with my class. We made up a plan that will hopefully help things. Today was actually my best day yet with my class. The best way to describe my class is with the title of my blog. I am always on Relaxed Alert with them. I can never let my guard down. But they are neat bunch of kids and I'm hoping we can have a great year together.

• I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving! And I'm hosting everyone here. And it will be our third Thanksgiving without Joe. (Holy crap, that's crazy!) Next entry I'll post the menu.
  

• Last but not least, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to all of you who read daily, weekly, monthly, or just every once in a while. You have all helped me through some miserable times, and I can't imagine my life without you in it. If you have never identified yourself, I would love for you to say a quick hello. C'mon, it's my blogiversary!

Love you all,
b

If at first you don't succeed....

I rejoined weight watchers today
and I just got off the very neglected
elliptical machine in my room
I must get my body back

Wish me luck

-b

Missing Joe

Two and a half years later I can honestly say that I miss Joe less frequently. I'll go hours, days, weeks even that I'm not actively missing him. He is not my first thought when I wake up, nor is he my last thought when I go to sleep. I am not constantly reminded of him, nor do I feel the need to bring him up in every conversation I have with people.

But the times that I do miss him are more painful than I can even put into words. Every pore in my body aches for him, my mouth can't open because no doubt I will cry instead of speak. Every song, commercial, comment by a passerby, all remind me of him. I want to smell him, feel him, talk to him, laugh with him. I just want him here.

And then I picture him in his hospital bed dying. He died in front of me and I don't think I can ever get over that. His body failing, his heart rate decreasing. I am just so sad for him. And for everyone who knew him, and everyone who didn't know him.

He was one of a kind, my husband Joe. One of a kind.

-b

6 Months Ago

six months ago
tonight
I was awakening
from a deep
depression

I had a date
with someone I had
met
online

I had very
low
expectations
that night
but I went
anyways

who knew that
that someone
would turn into
that someone

who knew
that I
could experience
love
again

here's to six more months...

-b

2 1/2 years later.....

Today is the two and a half year anniversary of Joe's death. I wasn't aware of the date all day, but strangely enough, almost cried twice at school today. I associated my vulnerability to my students, but driving home from group tonight, I was hit like a ton of bricks. He's been gone for two and a half years! And I'm in love with someone new. Life has continued moving forward even though he's not here to take part in it. Crazy.

Anyways, a long time ago I shared that Joe's doctor in ICU wrote an essay about being Joe's doctor. It has now officially been published in The Journal of Science and Medicine. I thought tonight was an appropriate time to share it.

-b

Ghost Story Ian Jenkins, MD

On my first day as a nervous, third-year medical
student, a nurse offered to orient me to the pediatric
ICU. I expected a litany of facts to memorize.
Instead, she pointed at each room in turn and
described the tragedies they had hosted.

"Room one: a little girl just died of meningitis
[brain infection] there. Room two: that boyís liver
transplant failed and he had a massive stroke." The
father sat holding the jaundiced hand of his
unresponsive son, whose
stapled abdomen held back
tense ascites [fluid filling the abdomen]. "His wife
died of cancer two months ago. Now he has no one.
Room three: teen with cystic fibrosis; sheíll be ok.
Room four, I will never forget. A teenager died of
leukemia there and refused all painkillers. He
wanted
to be lucid for his family, and they huddled on his
bed and sang "Amazing
Grace® until he died. Most
beautiful thing I have seen."

I had thought, "Beautiful? How can you even come to
work?"

Five years later, I remembered that conversation as if
it had just happened. I was the senior resident in
the medical ICU, it was 3 AM, and I was gathering my
thoughts amid the whooshes, beeps, and flickering
monitors of the sleeping unit. I was preparing to go
tell Betsy that Joe, her 31 year-old husband, needed
prone ventilation. Joe lay dying, of all things, from
chickenpox. He was receiving twelve infusions,
including four
pressors [blood pressure medicines],
sedatives, antibiotics, acyclovir, full strength
bicarbonate [combats acid], his 26th amp [or ampule]
of calcium, and liter number-who-knows-what of saline.
He sprouted two IVs, two central lines, a foley
catheter, endotracheal and orogastric
tubes, an
arterial line, and an array of monitor leads. His
blood pressure
plummeted*from a systolic of
80*whenever we interrupted his bicarb drip to spike
[to start or hookup] a new bag, so we knew moving him
might kill him. Every nurse raced to finish tasks on
other patients, preparing to help.

Joe'­s admission began, like several earlier ones, with
a chief complaint of "Crohn's flare." This time,
however, he had a new rash, and while John's ward team
suspected medications were to blame, they soon started
acyclovir. In days, hepatitis, acute renal failure,
and pneumonia prompted his ICU transfer. He required
intubation hours later.
His course since had been
like watching a pedestrian struck by a truck in slow
motion: a sudden, jolting, irreversible cruelty*drawn
out over hours. Anasarca [the diffuse swelling] had
folded his blistering ears in half and forced us to
revise his endotracheal tube taping
three times so it
would not incise his cheeks. He had
unremitting
hypotension [low blood pressure]. His transaminases
climbed above 6,000 and his creatinine to 6 [measures
of liver inflammation and kidney failure]; his
arterial pH dropped to 7.03 and his platelets fell to
16,000 [both commonly fall with infections]. His
partial pressure of oxygen sank below 60 mm Hg despite
paralysis, maximum PEEP and 100% oxygen [we were
unable to keep his oxygen at goal despite best
efforts]. Crossing that terrible threshold felt like
drifting below hull-crush depth in a submarine. I
waited for the walls and windows of the ICU to groan
with the strain as
disaster neared.

My intern followed me to the waiting room where Betsy
slept. She hadn't left the hospital in days. I knelt
beside her cot and woke her, and she supported her
pregnant abdomen her hand as she rolled to face me.
We smiled. Then she remembered where she
was.

"Is something wrong?" she
asked.

"No, he's about the same. But the other things we
tried didn'­t help. We need to do what I mentioned
before*turn him over so he can use his lungs better."
She nodded. "We're very careful but he has so many IV
lines right now. If he loses one, he could get much
worse. So I wanted to make sure you spent some time
with him now, just in case."

Her eyes teared. "He could die?"

"Just a small chance. But possible."

"And if it works, he might get better?"

I paused. "He's very sick."

"There are other things you can do?"

"We have to really hope this works."

"This isn't supposed to happen. I don'­t know if I can
raise two children without Joe. I can't be a widow
at 29." I sensed I could have talked her*sleep
deprived and stunned*back into sleep, into a
conviction her nightmare would pass by morning.
Instead I squeezed her hand
and listened.

"We need to do this, ok? You'll have ten minutes to
talk. Remember how his blood pressure rose when they
cleaned him? He's still in there. I believe he can
hear you. So you tell him to keep fighting."

Betsy wiped her eyes and searched for her shoes. As
we walked briskly back to the unit, I composed myself
and told my intern, "I'll be 29 in 3 weeks."

"Me too. What day?"

"May 28th."

"Same as mine," he said.

It took 25 minutes to prone Joe with every nurse
assisting, but the maneuver went well. His
oxygenation improved, but his relentless decline
resumed within hours. Sometime the following
afternoon, I went home to sleep, and Joe's blood
pressure eventually dwindled to nothing, leaving only
sinus tachycardia on the monitor [the heart electrical
system working but no blood pressure] and the rhythmic
puffs of the ventilator.

Then, within two weeks,the
resident team managed a series of unexpected
tragedies: we lost young mothers to acetaminophen
overdose and lung cancer, and cared for two young
adults with septic shock and a perimenopausal woman
for whom the cost of pneumonia was her first and
probably only pregnancy.

Five years before, when I first stepped into an ICU, I
imagined the residents held a dozen lives in their
hands and faced critical illness at all hours*alone.
By the time Joe died of disseminated varicella, I
realized the truth was far from that vision. Joe'­s
nurse had worked in the ICU as long as I'­d been alive
and expert respiratory therapists guided his
mechanical ventilation. I had co-residents and
consultants*even a rabbi when I guided a family
meeting on declaring "CPR not indicated." Our
institutionís overnight attending assisted me
throughout the night, and the primary attending drove
in at 2 AM to supervise nitric oxide
therapy. At no point did I ever
care for Joe alone.

Instead, the challenge lay in facing the winning
smiles of our patient Joe and his young son, waving
from a month-old photo taped by the head of his bed,
and a young wife refusing to leave her increasingly
unrecognizable husband as his body failed, despite her
conspicuous, 8 month pregnancy. And in the surprising
futility of all of our interventions. Perhaps most
of all, in the persistence of the sights and sounds
and smells of that night, and many others. I've seen
the ___expression a pathologist makes on learning his
daughter has anaplastic thyroid cancer [99% fatal
cancer, something a
pathologist knows best]. I've
heard the sound a daughter makes when her mother has a
ventricular free wall rupture [heart ruptures] while
welcoming us into her room. I've smelled a teenager
who burned to the bone while conscious yet pinned in
his car. I'­ve felt the crackle of subcutaneous
emphysema [air in the skin]after chest tubes for
malignant pleural effusions [fluid in lungs from
cancer], so severe the patient could not open his eyes
or close his hands. And the papery skin and tremulous
handshake of a man after my news of his wife'­s
prognosis promised the 64th year of their marriage
would be the last.

Far from alone, I spend much of my time in the company
of these ghosts, as must many health care workers.
How we make our peace with them is up to us. With
tears? Humor? Alcohol? Sometimes it is by numb
indifference; from most of the businesslike
discussions I'­ve heard physicians hold, you
might wonder if they even existed. Or, we can make our
peace with words. I am grateful for a chance to speak
with Betsy some days after Joe died to assure her that
while we did ask Joe to fight, in the end no effort
could have saved him. I am grateful she later wrote
us to celebrate the healthy birth of their second son,

Joshua.  She assured me Joe would live on for her in
their sons, and live on for them through her memories.
Her strength helped me welcome Joeís ghost, and many
others, into my life.

After five years of clinical medicine, I finally
understood the lesson I received from the pediatric
ICU nurse.  Our ghost stories celebrate healing, or if
there was no healing, then release.  At the very
least, great tragedy reminds us of the great meaning
of our calling.

(For Joe and Betsy B., and everyone at the Beth
Israel Deaconess Medical Center, Boston, who helped
care for them them).

Here's What You've All Been Waiting For...

T gave me permission to post his picture on my blog. Here he is with boys on Halloween:

And here he is with Josh:
Isn't he cute?

-b

Funeral City

I work in a school that seems to have a death related to it on a monthly basis. We have parents die so frequently that we have almost become numb to the news.

Last weekend, two seniors from the high school were killed in a car accident. One of them was the son of our school nurse.

Today was the funeral. It was the first funeral I had been to since Joe died.

And it was awful.

Kids are not supposed to die.

That's all.

-b

Great Halloween

Chris, Mel, Denise, JRowe, and I have created quite the Halloween tradition over the past three years. Pizza, costumes, pictures, and trick-or-treating. Last night was the same as always, except for two noticable differences. JRowe, MK, and baby D weren't there (missed you guys), and T was there. Maybe it was the start of a new tradition for us all.

(Carving the pumpkin)

(the three oldest already jaded)

(The gang's all here. Except for D and Sammy, who refused to pose for pictures)

-b