My Moods
A few days ago I wrote a poem about feeling happy. Many of the comments that were left made me realize that most of you are under the impression that I'm rarely happy. And looking back at my posts (including the one I wrote tonight), I can understand why you're under that impression.
But it's not the truth. I'm actually very often happy. I smile a lot. I laugh through most of each day. I crack a lot of bad jokes. I enjoy time with my friends. I have fun with my boys.
But at night, when it's time to write, I am alone. And that's when I miss Joe the most. I miss watching tv with him. I miss making dinner for him. I miss eating with him. I miss having sex with him. I miss snuggling with him. I miss making him laugh. I miss laughing at his stupid jokes. I miss talking about my day with him. I miss him making fun of me. I miss him, and I hate being alone.
And that's what shows up in my posts.
But really, most of the time, most of the day, most of the week, I am happy.
-b
But it's not the truth. I'm actually very often happy. I smile a lot. I laugh through most of each day. I crack a lot of bad jokes. I enjoy time with my friends. I have fun with my boys.
But at night, when it's time to write, I am alone. And that's when I miss Joe the most. I miss watching tv with him. I miss making dinner for him. I miss eating with him. I miss having sex with him. I miss snuggling with him. I miss making him laugh. I miss laughing at his stupid jokes. I miss talking about my day with him. I miss him making fun of me. I miss him, and I hate being alone.
And that's what shows up in my posts.
But really, most of the time, most of the day, most of the week, I am happy.
-b
10 comments:
forgive me for intruding.
you see: Monday for me it will be Autumn instead of Spring, it is all a matter of perspective...
don't you only smile, do laugh and do laugh a lot.
it's never worth giving all up!
Interesting post, b. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts, and always figured you used the blog to help yourself sort through feelings and emotions here and there. I admire that. Glad to know that there is also laughter and love throughout your days as well.
B-
I think we knew that you weren't moping about the house everyday. For goodness sake, you work, you take care of your beautiful boys, you've been dating, and you go out with friends and enjoy yourself.
This is the place you are processing, and do it how you will.
And I think we all think this sucks for you, and want to feel helpful in some small way.
:)
Interesting...since I have the blessing of knowing you in real life, I DO think of you as happy.
I think that young widowhood just takes us on a bigger roller coaster. The highs are so much sweeter, because we know how precious they are. And the lows -- especially in those first few years -- can be depths that we've never known before.
Thanks for bringing joy to MY life...
Wow - if you think your blog says you are sad, then mine must say I'm a nutcase. :-P
Blogs are just one outlet. When we start to wonder how it's perceived (or who is reading it), then it stops being a positive outlet. We know you're so much more than one post! :-)
Love ya,
-RM
Oh Good! Glad you all have been reading my blog the way I mean it to come across. I was worried that you were picturing me shrunk up in a corner of my house crying 24/7.
You guys are the best :O)
You look happy and make others happy a lot of the time. I second Rebecca's, and really everyone's comments.
I think I can speak for everyone in wishing you more happiness in the days, weeks, months and years ahead. But in those moments and days when you can't find it, we're all here to listen.
I agree with what everyone has written. I definitely don't perceive you as moping in the corner either! I'm glad you write what you feel, whether it's happy, sad or whatever. Just be yourself. You're good at that! ;)
I just saw this as a place you like to come to be reflective. You have things to say and they usually fit your mood at the moment. But honestly, it is good to know that evenings are often your low time. It does add perspective.
This might make you a bit happier.
I've finished the project I was on and have uploaded some new posts.
I understand the loneliness factor. I live at home all alone and while it is the best sometimes it sucks most other times. I've done the flatting thing and it never worked out and I'm not allowed pets where I am so I don't even have aminal comfort. At least you have your boys. :-)
The great thing at the moment is that here in New Zealand we are in the first month of one of two of my favourite seasons Autumn (the other is spring). Most people prefer Summer because it's hot but I'm not a fan of hot. I like cool but not too cold to do anything. Autumn and Spring are the most beautiful months of the year anyway. Summer's dry and brown and winter's wet and brown. Autumn is gold, red, and has a crispness to the air and spring is full of all sorts of colours and that wonderful crispness.
I'm a spring baby anyway on having been born in October so maybe that's why. :-)
You do come across as a happy person and it's only natural to feel bad with the loss of someone so dear to you so of course you have the right to be sad every so often. But I love your blog because despite the loss you still remain happy and seem to enjoy the little things like spending time with the boys. That's what life's all about, the little things. After all, without the little things the big things can't exist. :-)
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