Disappointment
n 1: a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized
n 1: a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized
Four years ago Joe and I began trying to get pregnant. I'll never forget how sex became different when the purpose was to procreate versus just to feel good. It became different for the better in my opinion. I felt a connection to Joe that I had never felt before.
On May 6, 2002, I woke up, took a pregnancy test, and saw the 2 solid lines. I was the happiest I had ever been. I wrote a journal entry that day:
I am pregnant
I found out this morning
I can't believe it
I am carrying a baby
Please let this go well
10 weeks later, I miscarried. At the time, this was the greatest loss I had experienced, and I was devastated. I remember calling my sister on the phone, sobbing, and saying, "I lost the baby." I also remember her words as if it were yesterday. "This is just so disappointing."
That summed it up perfectly. My dreams, my hopes, my future, was not panning out the way I had planned.
Fast forward one year. Jacob was born, healthy and perfect. Life was good again.
Fast forward one year. May 6, 2004 (2 years from the day I found out I was pregnant the first time.) Joe died.
I have used many words to describe how I have felt the past two years, but it wasn't until yesterday, when I was with Slacker Mom, that the word disappointment came up again.
We were sitting by the kitchen, talking about how unexpectedly Joe died. SM said, "You must be so disappointed."
And it struck me as the perfect word to sum up how I feel. More than sad, or angry, or depressed. Disappointed. Certainly I feel disappointed for me, but even more so for Joe and the boys. How much they would have enjoyed one another's company. How much the boys will miss out on by not knowing Joe. And, how much Joe missed out on by not getting to watch his boys grow up.
On May 6, 2002, I woke up, took a pregnancy test, and saw the 2 solid lines. I was the happiest I had ever been. I wrote a journal entry that day:
I am pregnant
I found out this morning
I can't believe it
I am carrying a baby
Please let this go well
10 weeks later, I miscarried. At the time, this was the greatest loss I had experienced, and I was devastated. I remember calling my sister on the phone, sobbing, and saying, "I lost the baby." I also remember her words as if it were yesterday. "This is just so disappointing."
That summed it up perfectly. My dreams, my hopes, my future, was not panning out the way I had planned.
Fast forward one year. Jacob was born, healthy and perfect. Life was good again.
Fast forward one year. May 6, 2004 (2 years from the day I found out I was pregnant the first time.) Joe died.
I have used many words to describe how I have felt the past two years, but it wasn't until yesterday, when I was with Slacker Mom, that the word disappointment came up again.
We were sitting by the kitchen, talking about how unexpectedly Joe died. SM said, "You must be so disappointed."
And it struck me as the perfect word to sum up how I feel. More than sad, or angry, or depressed. Disappointed. Certainly I feel disappointed for me, but even more so for Joe and the boys. How much they would have enjoyed one another's company. How much the boys will miss out on by not knowing Joe. And, how much Joe missed out on by not getting to watch his boys grow up.
Disappointment
n 1: a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized
Who knew one word could sum up an emotion so perfectly?
-b
-b
3 comments:
big sigh
Hmm. That certainly does put a lot more weight behind that word. You've been through a lot, my dear!
*sniff*
Well, at least you have the right word to express yourself.
Still stinks though.
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