Birthday Party
Yesterday was the boys' birthday party. It was supposed to be outside, but it poured, so I had about 40 people, little and big, in my house for a few hours. But it was great! And it made me reflect on the past two birthday parties.
Jacob turned one 6 weeks after Joe died. Despite everyone telling me to forgo a birthday party that year, I was stubborn (and a bit in denial) and I insisted that Jacob have the party that Joe and I had planned.
And so it was, on probably the most beautiful day of the entire year, about 40 people congregated in my backyard for a giant barbecue.
And it was just so sad. I was 29, 8 months pregnant, celebrating my son's 1st birthday, and my husband was dead. I tried to smile and enjoy the day, but all I could think about was the fact that Joe wasn't there to see his son turn one.
We took a family picture, as we always did at family gatherings, and it was the first time we were posing as a family without Joe. And it just felt so wrong.
Last year I celebrated both boys' birthdays together on again what was most likely the most beautiful day of the year. It was nowhere close to being as sad as the year before, but I thought of Joe for much of the party. I wanted him there so very badly. Again I couldn't believe he wasn't there to see his newest son turn one, or his older son turning two.
Yesterday was different. Maybe it had something to do with it being a rainy day. Maybe it had something to do with my sister and her family not being able to make it because she was sick. Or maybe It has to do with time passing.
For whatever reason, I didn't think of Joe at all during the party. Not when I was going crazy setting up, not when I was busy serving everyone, not when we sang happy birthday and watched the boys blow out their candles, not when the boys opened all of their presents in the least productive way possible, not when I was cleaning, not when I went to sleep. Joe was missing yesterday. And I was ok with it.
But now I feel guilty. Does that make sense?
Anyways, here are some birthday pics:
The boys opening their first gift from Uncle Jon and Aunt Ann:
"Happy Birthday"
The yummiest cake
"Come into our new house!"
"Stay on!"
-b
10 comments:
*hugs*
you did well silly.
l,
R
I'm glad you enjoyed the day, but sorry you're feeling guilty now. I think I understand (a bit) where it's coming from, but I think you should cut yourself from slack. You were entirely there for the boys yesterday - in body and mind. They knew it, and they had a great time too. I bet Joe was watching, and was glad everyone had a great day. :o)
The party looks like it was great. Mel worded things wonderfully.
Sorry you feel guilty. Maybe you can look at it like a gift?
You saw the joy and all you gained in that day, not what you lost.
((B))
B, my heart aches for you as you journey this road with your precious little boys.
Healing's great, but it still feels sad.
Ali
I'm glad you all had a good time at the party. The boys are getting so big! :-)
Can I come and stay at your place?
I'll sleep in the tent, it's no trouble. Actually that's the reason I want to stay. ;-)
Lowded Wookie,
The tent is now set up in the yard. I have a feeling you'll like that even more. When are you coming?
Slacker Mom is right. Your ability to focus on the boys for their big day is truly a gift.
FWIW, Jack's birthday is still one of the hardest days of the year for me. I finally "solved" it by going to MN last year so we would be with family, and that helped tremendously. This year, we come back from MN the day before his birthday, so we'll see how that works!!
Hugs to your big boys...
Oh wow, that house is the coolest. So glad it was an unreserved good day for you.
Post a Comment