On scents, suitcases, trips and memories

How's that for a title?

I am going on a trip this weekend with Jacob. We are flying to Baltimore, MD, for a gathering of young widows, widowers, and chikdren. It was organized by Pentha through the YWBB. I've been to other gatherings across the country through this site, but never one meant for children. Jacob will be taking his first plane ride, and he will be staying in his first hotel. He will also get to socialize with twenty something kids that are all missing one parent. I am very much looking forward to this trip, but am a bit anxious about the logistics of getting from point A to point B with all our stuff, and a 3 year old.

I went to pull out a suitcase to pack today, and ended up pulling out a suitcase I've never used before. It was one that Joe had used for a trip 3 weeks before he died. And in true Joe fashion, it still contained his clothes/money/memorabilia. And most importantly, it still contained his scent.

Oh god, how I've missed his scent. I used to hug him tightly every night and just inhale him. How wild that his scent would still be so powerful 2 years after he's been gone. How wild that just opening up a suitcase could release a string of memories.

How perfect is it that I will pack our clothes in a suitcase filled with Joe's scent as we travel to meet others who would also give anything to smell their missing family member.

I'm not sure if I will have time to post anything tomorrow, and I'm leaving my laptop at home for the weekend. So don't be alarmed if you don't see any posts from me before Sunday night.
I plan on enjoying my time with my son, reading my books, getting to know new friends, and every once in a while, taking the time to inhale my husband's scent.

BTW, Josh will be having the weekend of his dreams with his grandparents. And no, they are not charging me. At least I don't think they are!

-b

The Cure

Did you know that I am a huge fan of The Cure? My very first boyfriend introduced me to them when I was a freshman in high school. We would spend lazy afternoons lying in bed, napping to the Disintegration album. For years, if I wanted to take a daytime nap, all I had to do was play this album, and I would be out. To this day, I can't listen to "Pictures of You" in the car, for fear of falling asleep.

Sometimes I'll be in a bar or driving in my car, and a song by The Cure will come on. Every time I get excited, and it brings me back to high school, when life was far simpler.

One of my favorite songs (although it's so hard to choose) is "Just Like Heaven." Recently I heard a version of this song by Katie Melua. I downloaded it from itunes, and have since been playing it non-stop. As much as I love the original version, there is something amazingly magical and beautiful about this version. Download it now. I promise you won't regret it.

-b

Date # 6

Tonight was date # 6 with T. Not sure when I'm supposed to stop counting dates, but I'm guessing soon.

Last Thursday T asked me what my favorite restaurant was, and tonight we went there. (Stringman, if you have not tried this restaurant, you really must!)

We had a delicious meal. We started with Tomato Terrine w/ Mozzarella “di Bufala”
Fresh Basil, Arugula Infused Olive Oil ($13), and a basket of their homemade bread.

I then had Bell and Evans Organic Chicken Breast “Involtini”
Filled w/ Prosciutto di Parma, Sage, and Fontina; Porcini Cream, Roasted Artichokes and Baby Carrots, Tellagio/Yukon Potato Mash ($23), and T had Duck Confit, Crispy Leg and Seared Breast
Escarole “Affogato” Stuffed w/ White Raisins, Pignoli- Apricot and Pear Brandy Sauce ($26). We then shared Hot Chocolate Soufflé
w/ Vanilla Bean Gelato and Hot Chocolate GanacheÂ’ ($10)

I drank two glasses of wine, and he drank one beer.

It was a perfect meal with perfect company.

He stayed here for a while after dinner, but lives over an hour away, so didn't want to stay too late.

So far so good.....

-b

p.s. Mel, I'm assuming it's too late to call you, but I can watch the girls tomorrow.

Dream Haiku


you come in my dreams
life feels so good, so normal
i hate waking up

you look at our sons
they marvel at their daddy
they beg you to stay

you look in my eyes
you tell me i'm beautiful
then you dissapear

I wake up confused
are you here or not
fuck, you are still dead

-b

Brooklyn Update

I realize that I haven't posted about her since my near breakdown a few weeks back. You may be under the impression that she's no longer with us.

But I am happy to report that I have grown to love her. I have made some important changes in how I handle her, and now she understands that I am the boss. (Now I need to do that with my kids!)

She has calmed down a ton, and is fun to snuggle with. She sleeps well in her crate, and even chooses to go there now for naps.

That's my update. Nothing too exciting :O)

-b

Stay At Home Moms

I bow to you
At 2:15 today I couldn't take anymore
I called a sitter
and slept for 2 hours
You really do
have the hardest job
How many more days of summer vacation?

-b

News headline:

Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson leaving band

Who knew they still were a band?

Birthday Party

Yesterday was the boys' birthday party. It was supposed to be outside, but it poured, so I had about 40 people, little and big, in my house for a few hours. But it was great! And it made me reflect on the past two birthday parties.

Jacob turned one 6 weeks after Joe died. Despite everyone telling me to forgo a birthday party that year, I was stubborn (and a bit in denial) and I insisted that Jacob have the party that Joe and I had planned.

And so it was, on probably the most beautiful day of the entire year, about 40 people congregated in my backyard for a giant barbecue.

And it was just so sad. I was 29, 8 months pregnant, celebrating my son's 1st birthday, and my husband was dead. I tried to smile and enjoy the day, but all I could think about was the fact that Joe wasn't there to see his son turn one.

We took a family picture, as we always did at family gatherings, and it was the first time we were posing as a family without Joe. And it just felt so wrong.

Last year I celebrated both boys' birthdays together on again what was most likely the most beautiful day of the year. It was nowhere close to being as sad as the year before, but I thought of Joe for much of the party. I wanted him there so very badly. Again I couldn't believe he wasn't there to see his newest son turn one, or his older son turning two.

Yesterday was different. Maybe it had something to do with it being a rainy day. Maybe it had something to do with my sister and her family not being able to make it because she was sick. Or maybe It has to do with time passing.

For whatever reason, I didn't think of Joe at all during the party. Not when I was going crazy setting up, not when I was busy serving everyone, not when we sang happy birthday and watched the boys blow out their candles, not when the boys opened all of their presents in the least productive way possible, not when I was cleaning, not when I went to sleep. Joe was missing yesterday. And I was ok with it.

But now I feel guilty. Does that make sense?

Anyways, here are some birthday pics:

The boys opening their first gift from Uncle Jon and Aunt Ann:

"Happy Birthday"

The yummiest cake

"Come into our new house!"

"Stay on!"

-b

Extreme makeover
Screened in porch addition

Before:

After:

5th Date

Tonight I had my 5th date with T. He told me that I had his full permission to write all about our dates if I want. He does not have my blog address, but can easily google some key words to find it. From what I know of him though, he's not going to do that. But if he does, that's ok too.

Anyways, we had an amazing date. We went to Newburyport, which is an adorable town in northern MA. I took some pictures to show you. T knew that I was going to post these pics, and he tried to help me get the coloring right, but my camera is not that great.

(click on pics to see them better)

This picture depicts a typical street. They are full of little independent stores and restaurants. There are almost no chains of either. We ate dinner at a great little pub.

We walked along the water, and picked out our favorite boats.

He showed me this lighthouse that you can rent out for private dinners. How cool would that be?

I got my kiss at sunset :O)

Good date indeed

-b

Frustrating phone message

I just got home from a great date (that I will post about after this) and had a voicemail from Joe's cousin waiting for me. He told me that his family will be sitting shiva on Sunday and Monday. Sitting shiva is what Jews do when someone dies. People come to your house during given hours, and they pay their respects.

What was frustrating about the message is that he never said who died!!!! And now it's too late to call anyone.

Argh!!!!!!!

-b

My Day
(with pictures!)

Woke up at 5:15 to the sound of the boys playing in their room. Thinking that this had to be a cruel joke, I turned over in my bed and tried to fall back asleep. Eventually the yelling became too loud to ignore, and I went into the bedroom. I found Joshua, standing in his crib, pajamas fully on, but diaper on the mattress. How he managed to take his diaper off and keep his pajamas on is a mystery.

Took him out of crib, went downstairs to put on fresh diaper, realized we were out of diapers. Found one hiding in purse, put it on him, put kids in car, drove to store to buy more diapers.

Came home, fed kids, fed dog, fed myself. It was now 6:15. Ugh.

Made strong cup of coffee, brought in newspaper, turned on tv, tried to relax.

Broke up a gazillion fights, was curt to Mel on the phone, strapped on running shoes.

Took the boy6s and the dog on a run. Dropped boys off at daycare. (they go on Wednesdays and Thursdays during the summer so that we don't kill eachother)

Got home at 8:00, and took a minute to literally smell the roses.
Got to work on my garden. Planted 12 tomato plants, and 3 basil plants.
Got to cleaning the house. Cleaned kitchen, living room and dining room. We are having the boys' birthday party here this Saturday, and the house was a bit of a disaster.

Took shower at noon.

Went shopping by myself! I'm not sure the last time I did that. I bought all of the clothes below at the Gap Outlet, and spent $86! Isn't that great?
Then I went to Target and bought supplies for the party. I spent more than $86 :O(
At 2:00 I met with the third grade team to plan for next year. Despite what many people think, teachers do work during the summer!

At 4:00 I headed off to therapy, and spent from 4:30-5:20 discussing me :O)

Drove home at 5:30, grabbed Brooklyn, walked to pick up boys, got home at 6:30.

Gave boys a snack, fed puppy, took garbage and recycling to the curb, changed boys into pajamas.

Took boys up to bed, read 5 books, sand 3 songs, changed 1 diaper, got 2 cups of water, closed the door.

And here it is 8:00. I think I will eat some dinner, then go read on the screened in porch. I'm exhausted!

-b

To Nick

So Nick has disabled his comments option once again, so I need to resort to leaving him a message here, with the hope that he actually reads here once in a while.

Anyways, I finally heard a song by Mason Jennings on the radio today, and I loved it. I didn't expect his music to be so calming and beautiful. The song they played made me tear up, and I thought of you and your wife singing it to your baby.

Felt the need to share.

-b

Something's Not Quite Right

This arrived in the mail yesterday

This happened this morning

Do you think I should request my money back? :O)

-b

Quick Updates

Sorry to be gone for so long; this was an incredibly busy week. I was out every night, and too busy during the day to blog, or check blogs. I have a few minutes now, while Dora is entertaining the boys, to fill you in on the latest.

Yesterday was the last day of school. I had a great time with my students. I wore shorts and sneakers (which shocked them), and we played a great game of capture the flag. Patrick and I played on opposing teams. It was lots of fun.

Saying goodbye was incredibly hard. Lots of tears were shed, but none by me. I held it together until they left. Patrick and I gave each of them a $5 gift certificate to a local bookstore. They were so excited!

They gave me the most perfect presents. They all chipped in and gave me a full day at a spa. This includes a one hour massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax. How awesome is that? I also got $25 gift cards to Barnes & Noble, and Starbucks, as well as a pretty, silver bracelet.

Following the emotional goodbyes, I had a very upsetting meeting with someone I work for. She spoke to me in a way that I've never been spoken to in my life. Mel came to my defense, which made her attack Mel, and made me cry. So that part of the day sucked. I mean really sucked. But then Jill (who is a lurker here. Say hello, Jill!) had a party at her house, and it was a blast. I think I drank 5 margaritas. I was drunk, and it felt great.

So that was yesterday.

Tomorrow I have date # 4 with the nice guy. I'm looking forward to it. Then Patrick is coming over for dinner and a movie, which is always fun. So Father's Day shouldn't be too bad this year.

On Thursday night I bought new running shoes, and today I actually went running! First I took a decent walk with Mel (and all the kids, and the puppy.) Then I ran home from Mel's house with the kids and the puppy. I'm sure we were quite the sight. Mel and I live very close to each other, so the distance wasn't huge, but it was a start. And it felt great.

I think that's all my news.

I'M ON SUMMER VACATION!!!!!!!!!! No work again until Sept. 6th!

Have a great weekend.

-b

June 14th

eight years ago today
I walked down that long aisle
and became your wife

We exchanged vows
having no idea that we
would face all of them

for richer or poorer
yep, did that one

in sickness and in health
yep, covered that one too

til death do we part
unfortunately, we got that one too

My favorite anniversary memory
is our 5 year anniversary

3 years ago today

That is the day
our son
entered the world

Could there be
a better gift than that?

We joked that
we would never celebrate our anniversary again
because Jacob's birthday
would always trump it

but
we never celebrated
an anniversary again
because you were dead
before Jacob turned 1

you were dead
before Jacob turned 1

you were dead
before Jacob turned 1

you were dead
before Jacob turned 1

maybe if I say it enough
it will start to sink in that
it's true

You have missed so much

we now have a 3 year old son
and he is a remarkable boy

thank you for giving me that last anniversary present
for that I will always be grateful

happy anniversary, Joe
happy birthday, Jacob

Cool Gift

My class had an end of the year party today, and my class gave me the best gift they could have given me.

They wrote a book about why they've liked having me as a teacher for two years. They did it at home, and one of the moms assembled it.

What made it such a great gift was that almost every student wrote that they loved how I was always smiling and laughing.

To my students I am a happy, carefree woman. I'm in control, and cheer them on to learn.

To know that that's how they see me, is such a gigantic gift.

Have I told you lately how sad I am to let them go?

-b

Saying Goodbye

This week I will have to say goodbye
the school year ends on Friday
And I know that I should be jumping for joy
screaming, "school is over!"
But I can't
because it means I have to say goodbye
I have to let go of this class
that I have taught for two years straight
This class that has become a family to me
this class that makes me laugh
every day
Even on days that started out with me crying
this class
has helped teach me about me
and I hate that I have to let them go
But it's time to say goodbye
It's time to let them go

b

Cool Website

I was just reading someone else's blog (I will attach a link later), and she had a link to an awesome website. It's called pandora.com

You type in an artist or song that you really like, and they create a radio station for you with songs that you will most likely like/love. Some are by known artists, but many are less known/unknown.

I typed in Tori Amos, and have loved the songs I've heard so far.

Check it out right now!!!

-b

Hmmm....

What have I gotten myself into now?

long ago
before kids
rainy days were spent in bed
reading, sleeping, watching tv

I miss those days
yet when I really think about them
I remember feeling bored
like there had to be something else
waiting for me around the corner

there are many things you can say
about my life
but boring is not one of them

you can call me names
if you choose to judge
or you can sit back
and enjoy the ride that I am on

you can soar above the ocean
on my good days
and sink to the bottom of the sea
where no one has been before
on my bad

you can laugh with me
or
cry with me
you can be there for me

or you can judge me
berate me
send me cryptic messages

I will still blog
I will still ride this ride
I refuse to live a boring life
ever again

-b

3rd date haiku

fun was had by all
still has not kissed me on lips
that is not good, right?

-b

All Is Well

Sorry to worry some of you! I am here, but have been out almost every night this week, and haven't had time to blog.

Last night I went on a date with someone new, and tomorrow night is date number 3 with the other guy.

Tonight was a retirement party for two teachers. It was crazy, but tons of fun. I feel a little sick now due to drinking far too much vodka. Am I too old to be drinking vodka?

Anyways, Brooklyn's surgery was a success (Thanks to Michele). Tomorrow a behavior specialist is coming over to help us with her behavior problems. Hopefully that will help.

I'll try to post tomorrow night after the date, but if you don't hear from me, just assume that it's going well.

Hope all of you are well!

Love,
b

Here's a cool quote by an even cooler author

www.gratefulness.org WORD FOR THE DAY Wednesday, Jun. 7

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope.

Barbara Kingsolver

What do I hope for?

1. I hope to find love again. I hope to find someone who loves me as I am, and loves me for who I am becoming.
2. I hope to see my boys grow old, and see their children, and their children.
3. I hope to find peace with Joe's death. I want to be able to think about memories of Joe without crying.
4. I hope to be a better mom than I presently am. The kind that makes well balanced meals, and sits down at the table with her children while they eat.
5. I hope to get a crapload of money, so that I don't have to work my tail off, and can still send my kids to preschool.
6. I hope to forgive myself for mistakes I have made.
7. I hope that I can keep hope alive.

And you? What do you hope for?

-b

Thank You

I have a number of people to thank for the past few days.

1. Michele- Thank you for coming to my house, looking at Brooklyn's eye, and offering to operate on it tomorrow. I'm sure you know what a huge help that is, and I hope you know how much I appreciate it.

2. Melanie- Thank you for showing up at my door yesterday morning, and helping me with my sick Josh. Thank you for talking me through my breakdown on the way home from the doctor's. Thank you for meeting us in the driveway after said breakdown. Thank you for getting the boys ready for bed, and cleaning my kitchen. Thank you for showing up this morning to see if you could help. Thanks for being you.

3. My pediatrician- Thank you for asking me how I was doing, and allowing me to cry uncontrollably in your office about how hard this has been. Thank you for calling me when I got home to see how I was doing. Thank you for calling again today with an offer of help. Thank you for never charging me a co-pay. Thank you for not making me feel like a crazy woman every time I cry in front of you. Thank you for really, truly caring.

4. My class- Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for making me laugh every day. Thank you for telling me that this will be the year you'll always look back on as your favorite year. Thank you for making me look forward to work each day.

5. Widow Group- Thank you for letting me vent out all of my frustrations. Thank you for letting me talk more than my fair share. Thank you for making me laugh every single week, when all I wanted to do on my drive to dinner was cry. Thank you for being the best support group there could be.

6. Patrick- Thank you for helping me all year long in the classroom, and out. Thank you for backing me up all the time, and for going along with my crazy ideas, and games. (currently we are not allowed to say out loud the day of the week that it is. If we do, we owe the other person a dollar. Who else would go along with that?) Thank you for seeing me through all of my moods this year. And thank you for all the help in the classroom too :O)

7. My blog readers- Thank you to those that I know in real life, and those that I've never met, for reading about my life each day. Thank you for your smart, funny, and thoughtful comments. Thank you for caring.

There are countless other people to thank, but it's time for bedtime stories in bed. My favorite part of the day :O)

-b

Help Me

the dog won't stop barking!
Josh is really sick
I just can't take it
make it all stop
I'm going to kill the dog
why won't she go to sleep?
I just want some sleep
Jesus!!!!!
Really
make the dog stop barking

Updates
(because you're dying to hear them, I'm sure!)

Brooklyn- She requires surgery for her eye, and Michele from widow group is going to operate on her this Wednesday, and spay her at the same time. My vet's office was useless. They charged me $85 to look in her eye and tell me that they couldn't help me; to go see a dog opthemologist. Who knew they existed? It turns out that last week at puppy kindergarten, another dog tore her third eyelid. I watched her get attacked by the other puppy, but didn't realize she had been harmed.

Brooklyn is also becoming a thorn in my side. She has become a barker, a destroyer of clothing, and an all around pain in the ass. She is costing me a fortune, and I do not like her right now.

But she and the boys adore each other, and she's fun on walks. I'm hopeful that things will get better as she matures. Should I hold out hope?

Big boy bed- Jacob's big boy bed arrived yesterday. We compromised on the sheets, and bought him Dora sheets. They are pink and purple, but at least have a tv character on them :O)
He slept in it all of last night, and went to sleep tonight fine as well. It's very exciting.
Below is a pic. Yes, I am aware that it looks like a girl's room.

Jogging stroller- I bought an amazing double jogging stroller yesterday. The best of the best. It's called BOB, and I'm really excited about using it to start running again. I have been shopping around for one for about a month, but yesterday had the smart idea to go to the children's boutique that Joe's cousins opened last year. Sure enough, they had the stroller. And better still, they insisted that I pay only the real cost of the stroller, not the customer cost. So I saved a few hundred dollars!

We took two long walks today with it, and I cannot tell you how much easier it was to push than my other double strollers. The jogging will begin when school ends in two weeks. I hope to go in the mornings when the boys wake up, before it gets too hot out.

2nd date- I had my second date today with that guy I went out with a few weeks ago. It was an amazing date. That's all I will write about it. But, we have a third date set for next weekend. So that's exciting.

I think that's all my news for now. Am I forgetting anything?

-b

Reasons # 286, and 287 of Why I Love My Class

As you may or may not know, I was home yesterday because Jacob was sick (with coxsackie, of course). Yesterday at school was the book fair, which is a day that kids bring money to school, and buy books that they want, instead of taking them out of the library.

According to Patrick, and Molly (The Librarian), My class wanted to find the perfect book to buy for me! And then they all pooled their money and bought me one. Some gave more money than others, but when asked who the book was from, they replied, "It's from all of us." There was change to be handed back, and none of them cared who got it. Finally, Molly told them that whoever paid the most, should get the change. The class then turned and pointed to one girl.

Isn't that such a sweet story?

And another thing that happened while I was gone, was that while working on group projects, one group had an argument. Feelings were hurt, and group work stopped. Patrick then watched in amazement as the whole group went into the hall, sat in a circle, and talked out their problems. But the coolest part was that they used a pencil to speak. Whoever was holding the pencil was the only one allowed to speak. And they resolved the problem all on their own, without any adult help!

How am I going to let this class go?

-b

Two Good Things
about being home with Jacob
(yes, he's sick)

1. My report cards are done!!!!! (Don't kill me, Mel)

2. My People magazine subscription ended about two months ago. I am hopelessly addicted, but it's so expensive, I didn't renew. I've been getting Mel's issues after her husband reads them each week, but her subscription ended last week. Well, I just brought in the mail, and guess what was in it? A new subscription to People! Courtesy of someone. I'm guessing it's from my sister-in-law, but am not positive yet. So now, while Jacob is napping, I'm going to sit on my porch, and read my People magazine. Not bad, eh?

To Rebecca
On the 2 year anniversary of her husband's death

www.gratefulness.org WORD FOR THE DAY Thursday, Jun. 1

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

Eden Phillpotts

Are You Ready For More Scary Pictures?
(scroll down if the answer is yes)

Yes, it's a real, working iron

Yes, I actually ironed

Yes, that is a towel underneath because I do not own an ironing board.

But are you impressed anyways?

-b