History
Last night's post was a bit cryptic, and for that I apologize. I guess I should give some background to the post. Maybe writing it out will help me understand my anxiety a bit more. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They made me stop and think.
Insecurity- I have never been one to be secure in a relationship. I was with Joe for 14 years, and was never secure with it. I was always worried he would leave me, even though he never once threatened to do so. Note to therapist: I guess we need to figure out why that was the case :O)
Since Joe's death, I have become more secure with myself than I was when he was alive. Some of that I'm sure, has to do with me being solely responsible for my house/kids. I have seen that I can do it, and it has empowered me. But some of it has had to do with the relationships I've had since his death. Each man I've dated has seemed to really like me for who I am.
T, for example, is always telling me that I'm beautiful. When I told him that I was running more and more, he questioned why I was doing so. I told him that I wanted to be thin again. He told me that he thinks everyone should be fit, for health reasons, but that I was beautiful the way I was.
That's amazing to me. He likes me for who I am, and how I look, and with my baggage.
But...so did the others that I dated this year. And just as I found myself really happy, and really secure, they ended it. One ended it in a respectful way, and the other simply disappeared.
T has been away on business for the past week, and I have found myself calling him a lot more than he was calling me. Two nights ago I spoke to him at 6 PM. He was about to have dinner with friends. He told me that he told his parents about me, and used the term girlfriend. He then told me he would call me after dinner, and that he wanted to hear all about my day.
Well, he never called. And it brought back all the feelings I had when NB was away on business and didn't call, and then never showed up on my birthday.
So clearly I have issues.
I spoke to T last night extensively. He wanted to discuss why I was feeling insecure. He told me he's not going anywhere. He told me to look at hotels in Paris for April.
It just feels too good to be true.
I'm scared to fall in love. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I've been hurt too much in the past two years.
So maybe I'm trying to ruin things so I won't get hurt? But I really don't want to ruin this. I think T is amazing, and I love how I feel when I'm with him.
Oh how dating sucks. But it's also kind of exciting, you know?
Help me make sense of myself.
Love,
b
Insecurity- I have never been one to be secure in a relationship. I was with Joe for 14 years, and was never secure with it. I was always worried he would leave me, even though he never once threatened to do so. Note to therapist: I guess we need to figure out why that was the case :O)
Since Joe's death, I have become more secure with myself than I was when he was alive. Some of that I'm sure, has to do with me being solely responsible for my house/kids. I have seen that I can do it, and it has empowered me. But some of it has had to do with the relationships I've had since his death. Each man I've dated has seemed to really like me for who I am.
T, for example, is always telling me that I'm beautiful. When I told him that I was running more and more, he questioned why I was doing so. I told him that I wanted to be thin again. He told me that he thinks everyone should be fit, for health reasons, but that I was beautiful the way I was.
That's amazing to me. He likes me for who I am, and how I look, and with my baggage.
But...so did the others that I dated this year. And just as I found myself really happy, and really secure, they ended it. One ended it in a respectful way, and the other simply disappeared.
T has been away on business for the past week, and I have found myself calling him a lot more than he was calling me. Two nights ago I spoke to him at 6 PM. He was about to have dinner with friends. He told me that he told his parents about me, and used the term girlfriend. He then told me he would call me after dinner, and that he wanted to hear all about my day.
Well, he never called. And it brought back all the feelings I had when NB was away on business and didn't call, and then never showed up on my birthday.
So clearly I have issues.
I spoke to T last night extensively. He wanted to discuss why I was feeling insecure. He told me he's not going anywhere. He told me to look at hotels in Paris for April.
It just feels too good to be true.
I'm scared to fall in love. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I've been hurt too much in the past two years.
So maybe I'm trying to ruin things so I won't get hurt? But I really don't want to ruin this. I think T is amazing, and I love how I feel when I'm with him.
Oh how dating sucks. But it's also kind of exciting, you know?
Help me make sense of myself.
Love,
b
7 comments:
I think you did a good job making sense of yourself. :o) I think it's natural to be scared and nervous. It's what you do with those feelings that's important. Hang in there, keep breathing, and enjoy things for what they are and where they are. :o)
I agree with Mel, you've worked through the issues pretty well already!
I love that you've talked about this with T. Good sign....
From one of your many fans,
Ali
You, of all people, know that the good times are fleeting, and on the flip side, the bad times end at some point soon.
Don't rush through the joy of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
T has given you no reason not to trust him, don't give NB the satisfaction of having power over you. If you do things because of what NB said/did, then you give up your power to him, and let him sabotage something wonderful in your life.
I hope this makes sense, I haven't truly woken up yet. :)
When I was dating M. I was a complete riot of emotions, but he really didn't know it. I played it cool. I even managed to make myself not call him very often. I read my journal recently where I was reeling from not being called back as promised one night. I know exactly how you feel, after other disappointments you wonder if he could really be different. He can. I'll bet he had a reasonable explanation for not calling back.
Try not to saddle T. with the sins of his predecessors. You are totally worthy of being loved by this guy, no matter how fantastic he is.
I would advise that you try very hard not to doubt him too much. At first he will find it flattering that you're so worried about his level of "commitment." Eventually he'll start to wonder why you don't trust him. Finally, he may end up feeling the need to constantly reassure you too much to deal with.
Trust the guy. This is life, happening right now. Hope, love, pain, happiness, regret. Live it girl, live it for those who no longer have the chance.
Hugs.
"Live it girl, live it for those who no longer have the chance."
Love that sentiment. I needed that reminder. Thanks, H-gal.
Ali, Mel, and SM, your words mean the world to me, as always.
I felt that way with my first girlfriend. She was amazing (although she never thought she was) and I always felt unworthy to be called her boyfriend.
At the same time I always felt honoured that out of everyone she chose, she chose me. Sure it didn't last but that's by the by.
All I can say is feel unworthy but hold yourself with a degree of pride that T has chosen you to get to know better.
Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
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