Do I Suck As A Mom?
My sister made a comment today that made me stop and think. She said that every time she calls me, I comment that I want to kill one of my kids. (figuratively speaking, of course.) This came up because I was telling her that if I could handle 2 kids, then she can as well (when she's ready, of course.) She then told me that as a mom, I am hanging on by a thread, and then told me about my phone comment.
So I'm trying to look at myself as a mother through everyone else's eyes. Do I come off as incompetent? Frazzled? Depressed?
I really and truly love both of my boys more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them, and love being with them. But I also love my days away from them. I love being alone, with no one needing me. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother?
I have let my kids (especially Jacob) have more control than they should. I am taking steps to change that, and take the control back.
I don't want to ever mutter that I want to kill one of my children again. Even if it's in jest. Because it's just not funny.
I want to enjoy these years with my kids, not wish them to speed up. I want to be a good mom, I want others to see me as calm, competent, and capable. But mostly I want my kids to look back at their childhood with positive memories of a mother who loved them. Of a mother who loved being with them. Of a mother who was smiling, laughing, and calm.
I don't want to suck as a mom.
-b
So I'm trying to look at myself as a mother through everyone else's eyes. Do I come off as incompetent? Frazzled? Depressed?
I really and truly love both of my boys more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them, and love being with them. But I also love my days away from them. I love being alone, with no one needing me. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother?
I have let my kids (especially Jacob) have more control than they should. I am taking steps to change that, and take the control back.
I don't want to ever mutter that I want to kill one of my children again. Even if it's in jest. Because it's just not funny.
I want to enjoy these years with my kids, not wish them to speed up. I want to be a good mom, I want others to see me as calm, competent, and capable. But mostly I want my kids to look back at their childhood with positive memories of a mother who loved them. Of a mother who loved being with them. Of a mother who was smiling, laughing, and calm.
I don't want to suck as a mom.
-b
17 comments:
I've seen you with your kids. You don't suck as a mom. Not even close.
There are very few people who GET what it's like to raise kids completely on your own. It's very normal for you to need some time away from them.
And, you may find that, as they get older, you don't need as many breaks from them (that's certainly been the case for me). Itty bitty kids simply take a LOT of attention, and it can be very draining.
You are an AWESOME mom. Don't forget it!!!!!!!
Every mom has that hanging over her head, the guilt for relishing time away. Of course we love them. But it's impossible to be "on" for someone every waking moment without the need for a mental break. You're human. And I'm sure you're a fantastic mom.
Thanks guys. And Happy Birthday, Kelly!!!!
YOU DO NOT SUCK AS A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!
The boys are lucky to have you and when they are old enough, I know they will tell you that. (With a host of other things I'm sure, but that's normal and another story. :o)
I spend a tremendous amount of time with you and you do not come across as incompetent, frazzled or depressed. (Well, occassionally depressed, but that's totally normal. And never for exorbitant amounts of time.) I know what you're envisioning - those times when they're driving you nuts and you feel like you're going to blow. This does NOT make you a bad mom. We ALL have moments like that. I think most moms of a 2 and 3 year old have that experience at least a couple of times (or more) a day.
If you didn't love time away from your kids, I would be checking your temperature. As you know, I adore my girls, but I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm picturing floating and reading and I'm picturing what seems to me like heaven. I'll be happy to see them when I get home.
I know what you mean about saying you want to "kill" your kids. Of course you don't mean it, nor do I when I've been struggling with H lately. It's definitely an ugly phrase, I'm trying not to use it anymore, but don't beat yourself up for it.
Finally, I saw you making changes today. Good for you. They won't necessarily be easy changes to make, but one of the things that makes you a great mom is that you're looking to get better. We all have things to get better at, don't feel badly because you do too.
Sorry this is so long, but you need to know:
YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!!!!!!!
You do NOT suck as a mom! I have a husband to help me AND only one child and I still have days where I am completely frazzled by 3 pm!! It's just part of the job. (The ones who truly suck at parenting are the ones who don't care enough to ever wonder if they're doing a good job or not.) The fact that you are even worried about it shows what a caring and loving mom you are.
If you are a bad mum then I'm a bad human because I would like to kill most people I meet because they irritate me in many ways.
What you feel I'm pretty sure is normal. It's not like you don't love them, it's just that there are times that you need time out from them. Being a single mum is obviously difficult because you don't have another to back you up and take over when you need some time.
If you sucked as a mum then I doubt the boys would say the cute, random things they say to you.
I apologize for this random post, i have discovered your blog through a friend, and ever since I have been so touched by your postings, and i can't explain it.
With reading your experiences from you children i can only hope that i can be just as great with my 6 month old.
Motherhood is the most important, but most difficult job in the world. If anyone has perfected it, I sure wish she would enlighten the rest of us.
My three daughters were born within four years. I well remember those early years, with little help from T who was always working long hrs, with two in diapers, play groups, loads of laundry, messy meals. But you are doing it ALONE....100% alone! You are an amazing and awesome mom. You take great care of your boys, your love for them shines through in everything you do. You take care of yourself, important for balance in your life. You have a job you love and touch many lives there, as well.
One just needs to read your posts or see you with those precious boys for a few hours to know....YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.
You want to talk about sucky moms? Let's talk about gerbils! Some gerbil moms EAT their babies, probably to show the non-eaten babies who is boss.
There was a time when I could have said you sucked at math. That time has passed. Now, I don't think I can point to something that you suck at, least of all mothering the Js. Wait, do you suck at using chopsticks, or is that someone else? Never mind, it's probably someone else.
You are human to want and need time away from your children. It's healthy to need alone time. I personally love my alone time...it keeps me sane. You are doing the extremely challenging job of raising your kids by yourself. You are a fantastic mother to your children. Jacob and Josh love you tremendously. They are lucky to have such a fun and loving mom.
It's normal to vent to your family and friends about what is going on in your life. We're here to listen and laugh about the day to day. As we all know, some days are better than others.
You do not suck as a mom! You are an awesome mom. You love your kids and do everything you can for them. I think that your sister has probably taken it the wrong way. You talk to her when you need someone to vent to (which is perfectly normal.) Don't worry about trying to be the perfect mom because that person doesn't exist as far as I know. If for some reason you do happen to find her, give her my info. LOL.((HUGS))
No such thing as a perfect mom.
Ever since I became a single mom I get the weirdest advice(usually from my single friends on parenting). They have so many ideas of whats right and wrong. In the end though you have to do the best you can with what you have.
I think wanting a lil break from the craziness wouldnt make anyone a bad mom, I find it helps me recharge my batteries and if nothing improves my batting average. :)
Ever since Ive stumbled upon your blog, I can honestly say that I cant imagine anyone would think your bad mom especially after everything you've been through.
Okay, I didn't say you suck as a mom. You said if you can handle two kids, then so can I. And I said you don't make it look too easy. But that's because it's not easy, which was my whole point about being nervous about having two. I saw this conversation as being more about my fear of a second child rather than your abilities as a single mom. But I'm glad you're not going to tell me you're about to kill your kids anymore.
hello:) Been reading your blog for ages, but only decided to comment today. I love your blogs, I think you are an incredible mother. And its great that you love having time spent away from them, everybody needs that, I know I do. This way, you can be the smiling, calm mother to them, not a paranoid, tired, stressed out one (like I am).
Take care.
Wow. Thank you very much for your kind words everyone. And to those of you who chose to delurk, I really appreciate it. I am looking forward to reading your blogs.
The truth of the matter is, sometimes I do suck as a mom. My therapist had a very interesting observation about me. She pointed out that when Joe was alive, I was always looking after him, trying to make him happy. I never wanted to rock the boat, or allow him to be upset.
I have since done the same thing with Jacob. I have allowed him to be in charge, and done everything in my power to keep him from being upset.
I recognize that this behavior will only hurt Jacob in the long run, so I am actively changing it.
To my sister: I know you never said I was a bad mom, but your words reinforced what I already knew about myself.
Thanks again,
b
B- You are doing a fantastic job changing it. Look at the difference in just 2 days! Amazing! :o)
I think everyone has there "mommy sucks" moments. I know I do and sometimes I beat myself up about it but I have to forgive myself and admit I'm just human. I often feel like if one more sticky little hand grabs me or one more whiney voice reaches my ears I'll explode. I'm lucky enough to have hubby to pass them off to once in a while so that I don't actually explode.
So No, you don't suck but it's so easy to feel that mommy guilt about not being perfect and patient and fun all the time. I'm sure your boys think you are the best of the best of the best.
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