10 Things That Make Me Miss Joe
(a bit of a selfish rant)

1. Watching families together at any event. Today it was a carnival we attended this morning, followed by Barnes & Noble. There were in tact families everywhere. I know that they aren't all happy. I know that they're not always together. But my family never got a chance for a single day to be complete. Not one day. And I think we would have been a happy family. I think we would have enjoyed hanging out together. And I am mad that we never got the chance. And it pissed me off to watch others today. And I really missed Joe.
2. Fireworks. Pre-kids Joe and I would always watch the fireworks on the 4th of July together. During the day we would always go to the movies, and then at night, Joe would drive us to some elusive spot that no one knew about. He would crank up the radio, and we would watch Boston's fireworks. I am hoping not to even hear them tonight, but doubt that I will be so lucky.
   
3. Listening to friend's complaining about their husbands. That doesn't bother me, really. But I miss being able to chime in with my complaints. I caught myself doing that today. My friend was complaining about her husband, and I started complaining about Joe. Then I stopped and thought, "I must sound nuts! Joe's been dead for over 2 years. Time to stop complaining about the messes he'd leave around the house!" But I miss complaining about those messes. How trivial those messes seem today.
4. Being with my kids. I miss him so much when it's just the kids and me. Sometimes it's because I just really need a break. Not a long break, but a time-out for me. But mostly it's because I can't believe he's not here with me witnessing our children. Their humor, and their intelligence, and their strange quirks, and the love that they give. He's missing all of it. (I know some of you will say he's watching us, but it isn't the same. You know it and I know it. It isn't the same.)
5. Being in bed at night. I miss talking to him before I fall asleep. I miss laying in his arms. I miss him waking me up for sex at 2 am. I miss him consoling me after a bad dream. I miss listening to him falling asleep.
6. Listening to friends talking to their husbands on the phone. I miss being able to pick up a phone and talk to Joe whenever I wanted to. Not that he was that great of a phone person, because he wasn't. But he would always answer. And he would always tell me he loved me before hanging up. And I miss hearing his voice. He had the greatest voice. It was really perfect for radio.
   
7. Thunderstorms. I hate them, but Joe loved them, and so I always loved being around him when a storm would begin. He would try to get me to go on our porch and sit with him and enjoy the storm. And his confidence, and love for the storm always made them less scary for me.
8. Dinners alone. I made dinner tonight. I made a huge salad, barbecue chicken, and corn on the cob. And now I'm sitting here eating and typing. I miss cooking for Joe, but mostly I miss eating with him. I don't miss eating at restaurants with him, but that's a post for a different day.
9. Baseball season. Joe loved nothing more than sitting on the porch, cigar in hand, Red Sox on tv. He would be loving this season. He would be watching it with our boys. I miss watching baseball with him.
   
10. Life. Life makes me miss Joe. Can you believe he died at 31? I mean really. Can you believe it?
    

-b