Portrait Of A Widow
(with an odd connection to 90210)

I'm not sure if any of you readers were/are fans of Beverly Hills 90210. As lame as it was, it was my favorite show. It helped that I reached all of the same milestones as the characters. We graduated high school together (1993), college together (1997), and I got married the same month that Kelly and Brandon were supposed to get married.

I always had a bit of a crush on Dylan. I mean, how could you not have a crush on Dylan?

After his whole drug addiction he fell in love. Really in love. And he got married. Unfortunately the father of the woman he married put a hit out on Dylan, and his wife was accidentally killed instead.

The scenes after his wife got killed were always my favorite scenes from the entire series. Dylan walked around his empty house, sobbing. He didn't speak, just picked up his wife's clothing and inhaled them and sobbed. All the while a song by Lyle Lovett played in the background.

I cried every time I watched this scene. The words to the song playing were heartbreaking, and watching Dylan in pain made me ache.

This was all before I became a widow. I mean years and years before. I watched this episode recently on the Soap Network. It touched me more than ever. Sometimes, even still, I find myself just sobbing, missing Joe, wishing I had more than an old tee shirt of his to inhale.

Here are the lyrics to the song:
(note: I tried to download the song for you, but couldn't do it. It is so worth the 99 cents at itunes)

Nobody Knows Me

And I like cream in my coffee
And I like to sleep late on sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
And I like eggs over easy
With flour tortillas
And nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

But it was a dream made to order
South of the border
And nobody knows me like my baby
And she cried man how could you do it
And I swore that there weren't nothing to it
But nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

And I like cream in my coffee
And I hate to be alone on sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby

-b

I Know...I'm A Dork

When we woke up this morning, T asked me if we had any eggs, and any bread. I told him that we did, and offered to make them for him for breakfast. He told me that he wanted to cook breakfast for all of us this morning.

He took our orders, and served the boys first. Then he presented me with the best looking cheeses omelet I've seen in quite some time. It came with perfectly buttered toast.

I started to take my first bite, but then stopped and announced, "I need to take a picture!"

"You need to take a picture?" T responded, sounding confused.

"Yes. For the blog!"

"You're taking a picture of your omelet for the blog?"

"uh huh."

So here it is. The omelet that T so lovingly prepared for me:

p.s. he wouldn't even let me clean up. How awesome is he?

-b

A Poll For My Readers
(please answer questions, it will really help me)

1. Have you ever been to a "Super Supper" type establishment? (where you assemble dinners for 2 weeks, and take home to freeze)

2. If yes, what was the name of it, did you like it, and would you go back? (please share what you liked or didn't like about it)

3. If no, would you have any interest in going to one if it was close to you?

4. If you have children, would you be interested in signing them up for cooking classes?

5. Would you rather host a birthday party at your home, or at a store of some type?

6. Would a cake decorating birthday party appeal to you? (edited to clarify) Each child would decorate his/her own individual cake using techniques taught during party. They would then bring their cake home in nice box as party favor. They would also decorate their own apron that they would take home. Traditional birthday cake would be served.

7. Is there an activity you wish you could be doing regularly with or without kids, that you can't do because there isn't a market for it?

Thanks for your time.

-b

I love this song by Mason Jennings

Love the lyrics, love the voice, love the love

Check it out!

Live MP3 (256kbps, 6.9MB)

Be here now, no other place to be
Or just sit there dreaming of how life would be
If we were somewhere better
Somewhere far away from all all worries
Well here we are

You are the love of my life

Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Be here now, no other place to be
This whole world keeps changing, come change with me
Everything that's happened
All that's yet to come
Is here inside this moment
It's the only one

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Quick Update

This week has been ridiculously busy. I only have a few minutes to post, but wanted to check in and let you know that everything is going really well.

T and I had a wonderful date last night, and he's coming here Friday for the night. So all is well there.

On a sad note, Jrowe and MK are moving to NY. I'm very happy for them, as I know it's best for their family. But selfishly I want them to stay here! Baby Dylan was supposed to go to daycare with Josh this year, and Jenn and I have become running buddies, and we have so much fun working together, and, and, and, I will miss her.

I am continuing with my business venture that I began in March, but it looks like Nikki and I will be starting another venture as well. I will post all about it as soon as we have figured it out ourselves! But I guarantee you that it will be great!

The boys are doing well, as is Brooklyn.

That's it, I guess.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have a more interesting post. But that's all I've got for today.

-b

A Tale Of Two Kids
(but both kids are Jacob)

Yesterday started out as a lovely day. We went to Toys R Us to buy birthday presents for the three parties we have this upcoming weekend. Of course the boys both wanted something, so I decided we could buy their backpacks for school.

Jacob immediately went to the pink Dora backpacks, but I gently pushed him toward the "boy" backpacks. (The store literally had a boy section and a girl section.) He ended up picking a "boy" backpack, as did Josh.

When we got home they both excitedly posed with their backpacks on. I felt so proud of them.

They then played the cutest game for about an hour. I sat in a chair in the living room. They told me they were going to school, and hugged me goodbye. They then ran into the hallway. After a few seconds, they'd come back in the living room, and announce, "We're back!" I'd give them a hug, and ask them about their day at school. They would then list everything they did at school. They played this game over and over, and I thought to myself, "How sweet!"

Fast forward an hour.

I am walking in the hallway, and I notice this:
Yes, that would be permanent marker on my somewhat newly painted wall. In my hallway.

Cut to the boys sitting on the couch.

Mom (shrieking slightly) : Boys! Who colored on the wall?

Jacob (looking worried) : It wasn't us.

Mom (looking pissed): Oh really? I need both of you to come here right now and look at this wall.

(Jacob quickly slips off couch, and runs towards me, guilty look in eye)

Jacob: OK mom, I did it. But, it was just an accident.

Mom: A what?

Jacob: An accident. It was just an accident mom.

Not quite so sweet anymore.

-b

History

Last night's post was a bit cryptic, and for that I apologize. I guess I should give some background to the post. Maybe writing it out will help me understand my anxiety a bit more. But I do appreciate all of your comments. They made me stop and think.

Insecurity- I have never been one to be secure in a relationship. I was with Joe for 14 years, and was never secure with it. I was always worried he would leave me, even though he never once threatened to do so. Note to therapist: I guess we need to figure out why that was the case :O)

Since Joe's death, I have become more secure with myself than I was when he was alive. Some of that I'm sure, has to do with me being solely responsible for my house/kids. I have seen that I can do it, and it has empowered me. But some of it has had to do with the relationships I've had since his death. Each man I've dated has seemed to really like me for who I am.

T, for example, is always telling me that I'm beautiful. When I told him that I was running more and more, he questioned why I was doing so. I told him that I wanted to be thin again. He told me that he thinks everyone should be fit, for health reasons, but that I was beautiful the way I was.

That's amazing to me. He likes me for who I am, and how I look, and with my baggage.

But...so did the others that I dated this year. And just as I found myself really happy, and really secure, they ended it. One ended it in a respectful way, and the other simply disappeared.

T has been away on business for the past week, and I have found myself calling him a lot more than he was calling me. Two nights ago I spoke to him at 6 PM. He was about to have dinner with friends. He told me that he told his parents about me, and used the term girlfriend. He then told me he would call me after dinner, and that he wanted to hear all about my day.

Well, he never called. And it brought back all the feelings I had when NB was away on business and didn't call, and then never showed up on my birthday.

So clearly I have issues.

I spoke to T last night extensively. He wanted to discuss why I was feeling insecure. He told me he's not going anywhere. He told me to look at hotels in Paris for April.

It just feels too good to be true.

I'm scared to fall in love. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I've been hurt too much in the past two years.

So maybe I'm trying to ruin things so I won't get hurt? But I really don't want to ruin this. I think T is amazing, and I love how I feel when I'm with him.

Oh how dating sucks. But it's also kind of exciting, you know?

Help me make sense of myself.

Love,
b

UGH!

I'm doing it again.

I've for whatever reason decided that I must not be good enough for T, and that things will soon end.

Even though he made me look at my passport tonight to see when it expired.

Even though he told me to research hotels in Paris.

Even though he told me that we're going there for my vacation in April.

Even though he tells me he likes me.

Even though, even though, even though.

Why do I do this?

Maybe because I'm usually right.

-b

Back To School Ads

They've started!
I don't want to go back to school
I really don't

I say this every year
and by the end of the year
I don't want summer to begin

But this year
I really truly honestly
don't want to go back

Damn back to school ads

Luckily I still have over a month off :O)

-b

5 Reasons I Should Marry Owen

(if only he weren't gay)

1. He's funny. In fact, he's one of the funniest people I know. Don't his comments make you laugh every time?
2. He's kind. I met Owen when I was 14 years old, and had an instant crush on him. He's truly one of the kindest people I know.
3. He's cute, and he dresses well.
4. He's smart. He used to tutor me in math. (That's how he knows I used to suck at math. I still suck at math, btw.)
5. He has a kick ass beach house not too far from where I live. When we were in high school and college, we used to go down for weekends all the time. Now that Owen lives in N. Carolina, I have to go to his house without him. Such sacrifices I make :O)

Today I headed down to his house with Mel and Nikki, and we had a fabulous time reading by the pool. We even swam a bit.

Here are some pics of his kick ass house. (I know, you all want to marry him now too.)

This picture is of the front of the house. It makes the house look deceivingly small for some reason.

Part of the living room.
View from one of the many decks. Despite the fact that it looks gloomy, I got horribly sunburned. Not sure how that happened. If you walk down a gazillion steps, there is a private beach.
View of side of the house, and much beloved pool.

-b

Do I Suck As A Mom?

My sister made a comment today that made me stop and think. She said that every time she calls me, I comment that I want to kill one of my kids. (figuratively speaking, of course.) This came up because I was telling her that if I could handle 2 kids, then she can as well (when she's ready, of course.) She then told me that as a mom, I am hanging on by a thread, and then told me about my phone comment.

So I'm trying to look at myself as a mother through everyone else's eyes. Do I come off as incompetent? Frazzled? Depressed?

I really and truly love both of my boys more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them, and love being with them. But I also love my days away from them. I love being alone, with no one needing me. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother?

I have let my kids (especially Jacob) have more control than they should. I am taking steps to change that, and take the control back.

I don't want to ever mutter that I want to kill one of my children again. Even if it's in jest. Because it's just not funny.

I want to enjoy these years with my kids, not wish them to speed up. I want to be a good mom, I want others to see me as calm, competent, and capable. But mostly I want my kids to look back at their childhood with positive memories of a mother who loved them. Of a mother who loved being with them. Of a mother who was smiling, laughing, and calm.

I don't want to suck as a mom.

-b

Back From The Beach

We certainly picked the best days of the summer to head down to the ocean. It's a good 15-20 degrees cooler there than here. My mother and step-father are spending the week at the home of their friends. We had a nice time with them. But I wouldn't have stayed if it hadn't been for my brother, my sister-in-law, and Mel. I took lots of pictures to share. Click on them to see them larger.

The home is on a private beach. It pretty much felt like paradise. The water was even warm, which is rare around here.

Josh thought he'd take us out on the kayak

We took some amazing walks (you should have seen these homes!)

Part of the back of the home we stayed in

Taking A Little Vacation

The boys and I are heading down to Cape Cod tomorrow, to vacation with my parents and my brother and his wife. I'm excited to take the boys to the beach, and to just have a few days away with them. Mel is supposed to come down on Monday with her girls, so I'm looking forward to that too.

I won't have access to my computer while I'm gone. I will be back on Wednesday, and will post pictures when we return. Enjoy the next few days!

-b

Boyfriend Haiku
(Yes, we had the talk. He's my boyfriend. If one can have a boyfriend at my age!)

telephone ringing
it's T just calling to say
I miss you so much


(he may be a keeper)

-b

To Joshua
On Your 2nd Birthday
(July 14th)

You entered the world
at the darkest of times
when nothing could make me smile

You were so beautiful
so calm, so loving
from the day you were born

Your birth brought me back to life
you showed me that
life continues
even when it feels like it should end

You have a gentleness about you
a sweetness that can't be faked

You are the happiest little boy
I have ever met

When you were conceived
I did not think you were planned

but you have taught me differently
You are my little angel on earth

Happy Happy birthday, Joshua
Love,
Mommy (aka b)

Giddy Tonight

Tomorrow I am leaving my kids with their sitter
and leaving my puppy with my therapist
(how cool is she?)
and will head north to spend the night at T's house
He is cooking me dinner
(how cool is he?)
Tonight he told me that I am beautiful
It made me blush
He's said it before
but tonight it felt like something more
I am certainly giddy tonight

-b

Good Stuff

This weekend has made me realize what a special and amazing guy T is. Not that I didn't like him before, but after spending pretty much the whole weekend with him, I can honestly say that I'm in heavy like. We have made tentative plans for me to go to his parents' house in upstate NY in September, and he asked me to go to Paris with him next year for vacation.

Feels too good to be true, but I'll try to just enjoy it.

-b

Date Report

I am happy to report that the date was better than I could have ever expected. We had an amazing night. No details will be posted here, but it was wonderful.

And the coolest part was this morning. The boys woke up at 7, and I told T to stay in bed while I went to take care of them. But he insisted that he get up too. We took them on a long walk to get coffee, and then played at the playground with them for 2 hours. (the boys had met him before today.)

We then walked home, and he hung out with the boys while I took a shower. (It is so rare that I get to shower without the boys with me. It is such a gift!)

He had to leave at noon because he's going scuba diving at 4 in Maine, and had to get there. But he's joining us tomorrow for a trip to Mystic CT. We're meeting my sister and her husband and son, and we're going to the aquarium. He asked if he could join us, which I think is mighty cool, particularly because it means he has to drive the 90 minutes back here tomorrow to then sit in a car with us for 2 more hours.

Hopefully my sister and her husband will like him, because I value their opinions. But I can honestly say that he's a great guy, and is making me very happy.

To be continued....

-b

Brooklyn's ready to go for a ride

-b

Yet Another Haiku
(but a happy one!)

big date tomorrow
he will stay overnight here
wish me lots of luck


p.s. for the record, it will be date number 8

-b

10 Things That Make Me Miss Joe
(a bit of a selfish rant)

1. Watching families together at any event. Today it was a carnival we attended this morning, followed by Barnes & Noble. There were in tact families everywhere. I know that they aren't all happy. I know that they're not always together. But my family never got a chance for a single day to be complete. Not one day. And I think we would have been a happy family. I think we would have enjoyed hanging out together. And I am mad that we never got the chance. And it pissed me off to watch others today. And I really missed Joe.
2. Fireworks. Pre-kids Joe and I would always watch the fireworks on the 4th of July together. During the day we would always go to the movies, and then at night, Joe would drive us to some elusive spot that no one knew about. He would crank up the radio, and we would watch Boston's fireworks. I am hoping not to even hear them tonight, but doubt that I will be so lucky.
   
3. Listening to friend's complaining about their husbands. That doesn't bother me, really. But I miss being able to chime in with my complaints. I caught myself doing that today. My friend was complaining about her husband, and I started complaining about Joe. Then I stopped and thought, "I must sound nuts! Joe's been dead for over 2 years. Time to stop complaining about the messes he'd leave around the house!" But I miss complaining about those messes. How trivial those messes seem today.
4. Being with my kids. I miss him so much when it's just the kids and me. Sometimes it's because I just really need a break. Not a long break, but a time-out for me. But mostly it's because I can't believe he's not here with me witnessing our children. Their humor, and their intelligence, and their strange quirks, and the love that they give. He's missing all of it. (I know some of you will say he's watching us, but it isn't the same. You know it and I know it. It isn't the same.)
5. Being in bed at night. I miss talking to him before I fall asleep. I miss laying in his arms. I miss him waking me up for sex at 2 am. I miss him consoling me after a bad dream. I miss listening to him falling asleep.
6. Listening to friends talking to their husbands on the phone. I miss being able to pick up a phone and talk to Joe whenever I wanted to. Not that he was that great of a phone person, because he wasn't. But he would always answer. And he would always tell me he loved me before hanging up. And I miss hearing his voice. He had the greatest voice. It was really perfect for radio.
   
7. Thunderstorms. I hate them, but Joe loved them, and so I always loved being around him when a storm would begin. He would try to get me to go on our porch and sit with him and enjoy the storm. And his confidence, and love for the storm always made them less scary for me.
8. Dinners alone. I made dinner tonight. I made a huge salad, barbecue chicken, and corn on the cob. And now I'm sitting here eating and typing. I miss cooking for Joe, but mostly I miss eating with him. I don't miss eating at restaurants with him, but that's a post for a different day.
9. Baseball season. Joe loved nothing more than sitting on the porch, cigar in hand, Red Sox on tv. He would be loving this season. He would be watching it with our boys. I miss watching baseball with him.
   
10. Life. Life makes me miss Joe. Can you believe he died at 31? I mean really. Can you believe it?
    

-b

Home Sweet Home?

Jacob and I are back from our quick trip to Baltimore. We had a great time, and Pentha did a fabulous job planning. But we were both very ready to come home this morning. Unfortunately, Jacob got way too little sleep while we were away, and apparently Josh did as well, so once I was home with the two of them, I wanted nothing more than to be away from them.

They literally never stopped whining, the entire day. Nothing gets to me more than whining. I cannot tolerate it, especially from my own children. Arghhh.

They are now sleeping soundly, and I feel like I need to go do the same.

But here are just a few pictures from our trip:

This was our plane. I almost crapped my pants when I saw how tiny it was. It held 36 passengers! Talk about giving Jacob a true first flight! Obviously, it landed safely both ways, so I really can't complain about it. But man oh man, did I have second thoughts when I saw it.






This is Jacob at the aquarium. He loved it there. Isn't he cute?







below is Jacob walking in the aquarium with his new friend, Marc. One of the coolest (and saddest) things about this trip was that there were 24 (?) children all of whom lost a mom or dad. They all understood why there was only one parent with each kid. And I made some new friends myself as well. Of course they all lived in NYC.....

Thanks, Pentha! You did a great job, and I'm glad we went.

Maybe I'll write more details tomorrow when I have more energy. Because there were some pretty good stories....

-b