Allow Me To Explain
(If that's even possible)
disclaimer: I am about to put down someone who is dead. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but even the dead aren't perfect. If you feel like you will be offended, please don't read.
The person that I was when I was married to Joe is no longer the person that I am today. So many of you have commented on this blog about how strong I am. It hasn't always been that way. I loved Joe. You all know that I loved Joe. But I don't love who I was with Joe. Remember the title of this blog? I was ALWAYS on relaxed alert. I could never fully relax, and I never stood up for what I believed in when it came to my marriage.
This wasn't Joe's fault. It just was what it was. My childhood was less than ideal, and I met Joe when I was 15 and vulnerable. He took care of me, and I fell in love with him for that reason. But Joe always ruled our marriage. He was never abusive, he never mistreated me really. But I never told him what was really on my mind. I never said, "no" to anything. I mean, I had a whole freaking room of my small house dedicated to cigars! Who allows that?
Was Joe a perfect husband? No. Not in the least. Was I a perfect wife? No. Not in the least. We both did our best with the baggage that we both brought to our marriage. When I was unhappy with Joe's behavior, instead of confronting what was bothering me, I looked the other way. When he was upset with my behavior, he took off, and drank.
I can count on one hand the number of fights we had during our 14 years together. I don't think that's a good thing. I was always scared to fight. Not because Joe would hurt me, but because I was afraid he would leave. This was not the behavior of someone who was strong.
After Joe died I became someone new. I gained a strength that I never knew I had. I stand up for myself. I speak my mind. I don't stay in relationships that aren't healthy for me. I fight with T when I feel a fight is warranted. I don't take crap from people.
And so, when I went into the attic after three years, and found remnants of Joe's past that I wish I hadn't found, I got angry. Angry at Joe for lying to me. Angry at Joe for keeping secrets from me. Angry at Joe for being so selfish. But mostly angry that my new strong self, will never have the chance to confront Joe with what I found. Because the new me would love to confront the old him.
-b
(If that's even possible)
disclaimer: I am about to put down someone who is dead. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but even the dead aren't perfect. If you feel like you will be offended, please don't read.
The person that I was when I was married to Joe is no longer the person that I am today. So many of you have commented on this blog about how strong I am. It hasn't always been that way. I loved Joe. You all know that I loved Joe. But I don't love who I was with Joe. Remember the title of this blog? I was ALWAYS on relaxed alert. I could never fully relax, and I never stood up for what I believed in when it came to my marriage.
This wasn't Joe's fault. It just was what it was. My childhood was less than ideal, and I met Joe when I was 15 and vulnerable. He took care of me, and I fell in love with him for that reason. But Joe always ruled our marriage. He was never abusive, he never mistreated me really. But I never told him what was really on my mind. I never said, "no" to anything. I mean, I had a whole freaking room of my small house dedicated to cigars! Who allows that?
Was Joe a perfect husband? No. Not in the least. Was I a perfect wife? No. Not in the least. We both did our best with the baggage that we both brought to our marriage. When I was unhappy with Joe's behavior, instead of confronting what was bothering me, I looked the other way. When he was upset with my behavior, he took off, and drank.
I can count on one hand the number of fights we had during our 14 years together. I don't think that's a good thing. I was always scared to fight. Not because Joe would hurt me, but because I was afraid he would leave. This was not the behavior of someone who was strong.
After Joe died I became someone new. I gained a strength that I never knew I had. I stand up for myself. I speak my mind. I don't stay in relationships that aren't healthy for me. I fight with T when I feel a fight is warranted. I don't take crap from people.
And so, when I went into the attic after three years, and found remnants of Joe's past that I wish I hadn't found, I got angry. Angry at Joe for lying to me. Angry at Joe for keeping secrets from me. Angry at Joe for being so selfish. But mostly angry that my new strong self, will never have the chance to confront Joe with what I found. Because the new me would love to confront the old him.
-b
15 comments:
perhaps this will make you feel better - i was the you that you were with joe in my first marriage. i left him after telling him everything i felt, confronting him on every different level. and it made absolutely no difference. didn't change him. didn't make him understand me. that you have changed is a good thing. let that be enough,... if you can. signed, another UBer who found herself and then found a better relationship.
Thank you for that.
You were an amazing person then. (Different, but still amazing.) You are more amazing now. I admire you.
Mel
Wow! I am a different person than I was when I married my husband. I too, was very afraid of him leaving me for about the first 10+ years. (We married at 21/23)
I am soooo glad you recognize that you have gained strength. That is something you can teach your young men. They will learn from you what a relationship is.
(I always post such a long comment that I delete half)LOL
And another perspective ... I think that part of our grieving has to be coming to terms with who our spouses really were, as far as we can know that. We have to acknowledge their flaws, our flaws, our relationship's flaws. It's part of integrating our past with our present to create a new future.
Peace to you, dear. Peace.
i think that we have had to become the people who would confront any situation. we have faced the death of the person that we love the most- what's the worst that could truly happen. that being said i am sure finding whatever you did is not easy. maybe you weren't meant to confront it until you have found this strength that you now know you possess. pentha is so on target. part of this journey is acknowledging that even though they are gone they are still not perfect
hugs
You have really grown in the last few years...be proud of that.
I agree 100% with Pentha about accepting our spouse's faults. That does not mean that we loved them any less. And it's a lot healthier to do that than to put them on a pedestal.
I'm just so thankful that you have T to help you work though your complicated feelings. He sounds amazing, and I am so happy for you.
You and I have already talked about finding things we wish we hadn't...I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now.
I have this theory that we only become fully fledged adults in our 30's and become even more comfortable with exactly who we are in our 40's. I believe this is why so many women initiate divorces in their 40's & 50's. They finally know who they are and want to be treated as equal partners and are often disappointed.
I'm not saying that's what would have happened to you and Joe, I'm just adding another factor to the changes that you have felt in yourself. It's a hell of lot to do with grief and what you have had to cope with, but it may have happened gradually throughout your 30's anyway.
Ali
You know...so many things are set in the beginning of a marriage, how things are done.
After awhile you keep it up..the status quo. And time passes, and then you can look back and see what happened, and how things need to change. You can finally be honest about yourself and how you should be.
That is what my husband and I are doing now. We are looking back and seeing all the things we did wrong, and now we are trying to change that. We made mistakes, and we weren't completely honest with ourselves at the the time.
I think that you and Joe would have gotten to that place, if you had had the chance.
I think it stinks that you have no where to give your anger to...
Great post. I can relate a bit to what you were talking about how you fought with Joe. I'm like that. My dh and I hardly get in fights and when we do, I am soooo afraid of something bad happening...he might leave me,etc. It's not him, it's me thinking that and needing to change that thought process.
Cool post, B.
thanks, O.
And thanks to all of you for your comments. they all made me think a bit. I guess it's not fair to assume that I I would still be the same person that I was, even if Joe were alive. And it's not fair to assume that he wouldn't have changed as well.
I guess we'll never know...
You know what, I have to say I'm somewhat relieved.
I was trying to catch up on my blog readings which I've been remiss lately due to a whole lot of things going on and I read a post called Secrets that kind of worried me in that I thought you and T had a big one. That's something that would worry me a lot.
Kind of glad it was all about Joe. Don't take that the wrong way but to find out the person keeping the secrets from you is not the one who treats you like a godess is somewhat relieving.
We all change depending on circumstances but it seems weird that we are only prepared to make changes when something huge happens. It's all possible that you may never have become the person you are today when Joe was around but it's undeniable that you changed when Joe passed because you HAD to. Your children's survival depended on you becoming strong. But with such power (wait for it) comes the need for being able to control that new personality (ha ha you thought I was going to quote Spiderman :) ). The fact that this new personality has landed you a new man that you feel comfortable having the odd fight with when needed means that whatever happens, ultimately you will be able to keep your family together.
All I can say is bye bye old B, alas I never knew you at all, but new B is the one I love to come back to.
:O)
LW, I'd still run away with you in a heartbeat though...
-b
Good post B. This gives me an interesting perspective on Joe. I always got the impression you and Joe had a perfect marriage, although I know in reality, that is never the case. I think I admire you more now, witnessing (kinda), your transformation.
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