Can You Spell P-r-o-c-r-a-s-t-i-n-a-t-i-o-n?

I certainly can. What have I procrastinated doing recently? here's a little list:

my taxes
cleaning my bedroom
taking care of my father in law's:
funeral bill
apartment
car
probate
paying my bills
folding/sorting/doing laundry
training my dog

Things I finally stopped procrastinating:
sending off Gulliver
He's finally in the mail and should arrive at Pentha's on Thursday

-b

Back From NY

We arrived back from NY this afternoon, and I don't have any exciting news to report. Baby Sophia is holding out I guess. She will be here this week for sure, but I won't be there to see her arrival.

It's hard living so far away from my sister. I feel like I barely know my nephew, and feel sad that our kids get to spend such little time together. By the time they're all comfortable hanging out together, someone has to go home.

Last year I was seriously thinking about moving to NYC. I have come to realize that I don't want to live there. I want to live close to my sister and her family, but I don't want to live in NYC. If only I could get them to move here....

-b

New York

I'm in NYC for the weekend. We got here this afternoon and will be here until Sunday. We're all crossing our fingers that baby Sophia decides to make her debut while we are here. If not, my sister will be induced next Thursday. I will try to check in when I can, but am going to try to stay away from the computer while I am here.

We shall see how that goes....

-b

p.s. I realize I never updated you all on my weekend away with T. We had an amazing time. I will write more later, but my sister is in pain (contractions) and so I need to help with my nephew. Night!

Confession Time

I must confess, I am a lazy person. I leave my laundry in the washing machine for so long, I have to rewash them before I can dry them. Sometimes even twice. And I never sort my clothes before washing them. I bought a special type of dishwasher that would allow me to rarely empty it. I rarely plan my lessons for school, and will steal ideas from other teachers whenever I'm given the chance. I will spend the afternoon on the couch when the boys are napping when I could be cleaning, or sorting, or doing something purposeful.

But the laziest thing I've done recently is also the most shameful. I still have Gulliver sitting in my dining room. I was supposed to send him off to Pentha over a month ago. Then Pentha's brother died unexpectedly, and her sister became ill, and I wasn't sure if it would be too much for her to receive Gulliver at that time. And then I thought her blog had disappeared, but my guess is that she updated it and my link just no longer worked.

Ok, another confession. I make excuses. I should have sent Gulliver out long ago, and I screwed up. I'm sorry. He will be heading out tomorrow in the mail. I promise not to be lazy, or to make excuses.

-b

Forgiveness

How do you
forgive
someone
after they
die

for lies that
they told you
when they were alive?

Especially
when you keep
dreaming
of the
lies

night
after
night

I want to
forgive
I really
do

I just
don't
know
how

-b

Away For The Weekend

You may recall Owen's Cape House from this past summer. It is one of my favorite places in the world to go. It's beautiful, peaceful, and relaxing. Tomorrow T and I will be going there to celebrate my birthday. We will hopefully have an amazing time doing a whole lot of nothing. T is on his way here from NY, and he has birthday and Valentine's presents in tow.

I'll update you when I can. But cross your fingers for me to have a great weekend. I really need it.

On a different note, today would have been Joe's 34th birthday. Happy birthday, babe. We miss you.

-b

My Birthday

sucked
for the most part

Here was the day:

It started out nice. I found out that we had a snow day at 6am, and was thrilled. My mom stopped by around 10 and took the boys outside to play.
Here is Josh after coming in from the snow
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Joe's medical files were delivered to my house. I ended up sitting and reading the entire file while the boys napped. There was some surprising information in them, as well as hard information to read. It was also interesting to read about myself in the third person, and read myself quoted. It was a hard read, and I haven't gotten over it yet.
Then the boys and I baked the most delicious cookies
Here they are:
Then I put the boys to bed, cleaned the house, made myself dinner and sat on the couch. Oh wait! Did you want to see the flowers that T sent me? Or the card or present he gave me? Hmm, so did I.

I am seriously beginning to despise my birthday.

-b

Birthdays

It doesn't seem fair
that tomorrow
I will turn
a year older
than Joe
ever
got
to
turn

I know that this
year
I am in a much
better place than last
year

When I was dating that
shithead
who stood me up
on my birthday

And I know I should be thankful
to be dating someone
who truly loves me
and wants me to
be happy

and I am

but
it still doesn't seem right
that Joe never got to
turn 32

I wonder if I will
ever enjoy
my birthday
again

-b

Heaven

Tell us a story
about heaven
they said to me
tonight

you want to hear a story
about heaven?
I clarified

yes
tell us a story
about daddy in heaven

ok
I said

Heaven is a beautiful place
where everyone is
happy all the time

and the best part of heaven
is that you get to watch
all the people
you loved most
in the world

and your daddy spends his days
watching the people
he loved most in this world

So your daddy spends
his days
watching the two of you
and is so happy
because you are so happy

I miss him mommy
I know
I do too

-b

T

Have I told you lately
how awesome
T
is
to
me?

He rocks

He has been
by my side
through
this
whole
shitty
week

and
I
love
him

I
do
I
love
him

-b

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Once a week, since September I have had a grad school night routine. I leave my house at 5pm, and drive for 14 minutes to Cambridge. I park in Harvard Square at my school (not Harvard, btw), and walk for 5 minutes to Boca Grande. Every week I order the same thing: Cheese quesadilla with all the toppings, a side of rice, and water. The total each week comes to $4.98.
Tonight was a little different. T decided to come with me, and to walk around Harvard Square while I was in class. We drove, parked, and walked as usual. I ordered my normal fare, and T ordered a chicken platter and a small iced tea. The total came to $16.80. I paused, thinking that this was a bit high, considering my meal is usually $5.00, but then payed the cashier, assuming that T's meal was a lot more expensive than mine.

Once we were sitting down eating, I surveyed the menu board. T's meal was in fact only $4.50, and his drink was $1.50. I was cheated!

I ate my meal like a civilized person, and then informed T that I was going to get my money back. I went up to the cashier and informed her that I had been over charged. She re-totaled up what we ordered, and it came to $12.00. I explained that I had been charged $16.80. She asked if I had a receipt, and I told her that she never gives me a receipt. No receipt, no refund. What?

I argued as best I knew how, even asking to speak to the manager. "No manager," I was told.
In a shaky voice I informed the cashier that I come into the restaurant every single week, and that they were about to lose me as a customer over $5.00. She told me that was fine. I held back my tears and stormed out, T following behind.

He asked me if I was more upset about the $5.00 or the fact that I could no longer go back there. No doubt, I am more upset that I will never eat one of their delicious cheese quesadillas again. Yet another thing to mourn.

-b

Funeral Time

So I'm going against my father-in-law's final wishes, and burying him here, next to his son, instead of 5 hours away in upstate New York. There are many reasons I'm doing this, and I don't really feel like posting them right now. Maybe later.

The past few days have sucked. Jay (my father-in-law) left me quite a mess to take care of. I am physically, and mentally exhausted.

And now, I get to go stand in below 0 temperatures as we have a graveside funeral for Joe's dad. And then, his whole family will be buried. And I will attempt to move on.

-b

Joe and his dad
a few years ago

He Died

at 5:50 this morning

shit

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

Breathe

except look at the shirt above
he wore this shirt
all the time
how can I take it
out of the closet?

Breathe

Or these shirts above
they came back from the dry cleaners after Joe died
He took them there
when he was still alive

Breathe

Or this shirt above
The sleeves are still rolled up
he rolled them up
and they're still that way

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

-b