Happy Days

Here are some pics of the past couple of days.

(I'm tempted to post some of T with the boys, but think that's not the best idea.)

I had a small Halloween party last night. Pictured are (from left) Mel, Mary, Mary, and Patrick
Here was our food

Here are Jacob and Mel's daughter, B, toasting each otherwith their milk.
Happy Halloween!

-b

My Weekend

I used to look
at couples
walking hand in hand
laughing

sitting in coffee shops
staring at each other's eyes
talking
really talking
for hours

In a restaurant
eating a meal
side by side
completely lost in their partner

and I would feel an emotion
that can best be described as
jealousy

I wanted that

This weekend
like the past
6 months of weekends

I had that

I am lucky

-b

I am at T's for the weekend. The kids are with my mom, as is the dog.

It's raining heavily so it's a perfect day to stay snuggled inside all day.

Except for two GIANT problems.

I am so ridiculously allergic to his cats I can barely breathe!!!!!!!

Ugh.

Aside from that, everything is lovely.

Have a great weekend!

-b

Some Highlights From My Reading
(I tried posting this last night, but blogger was down)

* Before Joe came through, My mother's mother came through. She died before I was born, and I was named after her. She had some interesting things to say regarding my family, and said that she had been my "guiding light" through my life. (she's done a shitty job, if you ask me!)

* He knew Joe was going to start his own business
* He could smell cigars and pipe smoke very strongly, and said that when I smell it in my house, it's Joe coming through
* He knew I was pregnant when Joe died, but assured me that he had met Joshua
* He knew that the boys have stars on their ceiling, and said that when the boys look at the stars at night, Joe is looking back at them
* Joe thanked me for the balloon (not sure if I posted the balloon story, will have to check)
* Joe was glad I had taken off my rings (I was wearing them at the reading, so he didn't get that from looking at my finger). He is happy I'm moving on
* Joe didn't want to talk about how he died. He said it was in the past, and it was time to stop discussing it
* Joe knew that I have been writing, and that others read my writing. He told me to keep it up
* He loves that the boys play his guitar
* He keeps messing with my tv
* He has the "Little Bean" with him. (Little Bean was what we called the baby that I miscarried)
* Joe showed him Foxwoods, or Vegas, and said, "Ca Ching, Ca Ching." (Of course it didn’t dawn on me to ask about the missing ticket from Vegas!)
* He liked listening to the harmonica that Jacob had just received the day before
* He told me that I am going to have a baby girl (That's the 4th medium to tell me so)

He was there. He really was there. And Bernie from widow group got about a 45minute reading from her husband.

It was a truly extraordinary night, and I only wish it didn't have to end. I literally could have stayed there all night listening to Joe.

I miss him tonight.

-b

Great Reading

too tired to post about it now
but it was pretty amazing

-b

Third Time's A Charm?

A year and a half ago Mel and I went to see John Holland, the medium, at a huge event (800 people) in Boston. I was amazed by the readings that I saw him give, and was devastated when I didn't get a reading from Joe.

I came home that night and went straight to his website. He no longer took private clients, but was taking small group readings for 8 people. I signed up on the waiting list, and waited.

Last November I went to see him at yet another giant event. Again no Joe. I was disappointed yet again. And still waiting for my name to move up on the waiting list.

Last week I got a phone call. There had been a cancellation for a reading tomorrow night. If I was interested, the spot was mine. If not, it could be up to another year wait.

So tomorrow I'm giving it one more try. I am guaranteed to get a reading, but it may not be from Joe. That would be too cruel. Please, everyone put out good vibes for me. I would love for Joe to come through to me. One last time....

-b

I Am Giddy

I'm in love
really
truly
absolutely
disgustingly
frighteningly
happily
madly
wonderfully
excitedly
in love

(go ahead and puke now)

-b

Conversation With Jacob

J: Mommy, I love you so much

b: I love you so much too

J: Why do you love me so much

b: Uhm...(thinking to self, why do I love him so much? I don't know, I just do) I love you b/c you are my son, and you are one of the most special people in the entire world. You make me laugh, and smile, and you make me so proud every day.

J: Oh. I love you because you give me candy.

-b

I'm Psychic

If not psychic, than I at least have very strong intuition. I knew all day today that something was wrong with T. I began panicking this afternoon when I tried calling him and his phone was off. I got to the point where I emailed my therapist and asked her to call me.

Finally I saw T's name light up on my IM screen. I asked him if everything was ok, and he told me he got his official offer in the mail today. It wasn't good. No vacation days for an entire year, no benefits for 3 months, and a pay that's a few thousand less than he is presently getting.

As a result, he's not taking the job.

And as a result of that, he won't be moving in any time soon.

:O(

All in due time I suppose...

-b

Dream

Last night I had a dream
as vivid as any dream
I've ever had

Joe was alive
we were together
and I was happy

I was so happy
to be in his arms again
to be kissed by him again

and he promised me
that he would
never leave us again

I believed him

We laid in bed
together
he held me so tightly
I can still feel the pressure
on my skin

When we awoke
he took out a cigarette
and started to smoke it

I had forgotten how much I hated
the fact that he smoked

I realized then
that I made
a huge mistake

I no longer wanted what I once had

and I said goodbye
once again
and then I cried

-b

Another Amazing Weekend

To write about everything we did would likely bore you, but it was just a really great weekend all around.

Some highlights:

1. We had the boys try on their Halloween costumes because they are both nervous about Halloween, and I'm not sure they will wear them on the actual date. As you can see, they have both decided to be pumpkins.

2. We are going to upstate NY to T's parent's house for Christmas. (Had I told you that yet?) I've explained to the boys that we are Jewish so that Santa Claus doesn't come to our house, but since T's family celebrates Christmas, Santa visits there. And as a result, Santa will bring them each a present. I asked them what they wanted. Josh wants a pumpkin, and Jacob wants a Kiddush cup. So funny!

3. T and I continued discussing him moving in. I didn't explain so clearly last time how that would work. He wouldn't technically be moving into my house, he'd be moving in to my in-law apartment that I rent out. It would be a nice transition for us both, as well as a place for all of his stuff to go (and his cats to go.) He would eat dinner with us at night, and sleep up here on weekends. But during the week, we would stay in our respective parts of the house. I realize this may sound strange, but it makes sense to us, and is far less scary to me than him moving all of his stuff in, and living up here full time.

Patrick is now here for our weekly Amazing Race viewing! Hope you all had a great weekend!

-b

p.s. feel free to continue the name poll at the post below.

Please help my sister

She is struggling to come up with a name for her future daughter. She has asked me to post here for your suggestions. She's thinking of Leah, but is truly stuck.

What's your favorite girl's name?

btw, I was thinking that I really like the name Genevieve.

-b

Happy Birthday Kristen!

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your party. I have to say I was very proud of your husband for planning a surprise. You certainly deserved it.

I love you!

-b

Anyone still there?

I've been a crappy blogger as of late. It's mostly been due to the fact that I'm so ridiculously busy, I simply don't have the time to blog. But it's also been due to the fact that life is good right now, and I tend to blog less when I'm feeling good. But I miss you guys, and I miss writing each night. So I'm going to attempt to write on a daily basis again.

Things, as you may have guessed, have been amazing with T. He is becoming a member of our family, and it's scary and wonderful at the same time. He was offered a job yesterday in Cambridge, which would allow him to move here. (He is currently living/working in NH) It's looking like he may move in with us in January.

He continues to treat me amazingly well, and the boys have gotten attached to him as well. (hence the scary part) He just called me and told me that he's thinking of taking a half day on Halloween so he can be here for trick-or-treating. And that doesn't surprise me at all. He really enjoys being with us, and doing family activities. (Although he certainly enjoys our alone time too.)

We'll see where things go, but they're looking very promising right now.

How weird would it be to have another guy living in my house? I guess it may be time to take Joe's clothes out of the closets. But I still don't feel ready to. Maybe I'll make that my New Year's Resolution.

Thanks for reading.

Love,
b

*sigh*

I am happy

-b

Ready For This One?

Here is the letter Joe received today from CHASE:

Dear Joseph s. B_____:

As your credit card comapny, it is important to us to provide you with timely information regarding your credit card account.

After careful consideration, we have elected not to renew your account. The principal reasons for our decision are as follows:

Consumer was reported as "deceased" at credit bureau

Consumer was reported as "deceased" at credit bureau

Consumer was reported as "deceased" at credit bureau

You can receive a free copy of your credit bureau report from this agency if you request it within 60 days of receiving this letter.

I love how they claim to be getting to him in a timely manner! WTF?

-b

Thanks Dr. John!

For sending your readers this way. As always, they left kind, thoughtful comments. You really do spread joy!

-b

Great News!!!!!

My sister is going to have a baby girl!

-b

atonement

Today is Yom Kippur, or the Day of atonement. Jews are supposed to fast all day, pray in temple, and think about mistakes you made during the past year. I chose instead to spend the day with my boys, eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and pick pumpkins for Joe's grave. (To Whomever visited Joe's grave recently and left him a cigar, thank you. It meant a lot to see that someone who really knew him had recently visited.)

Anyways, since I didn't atone in temple, I thought I would do it here. Here are the regrets I have for this past year:

1. I should never have slept with NB! Ugh, I would redo that one if I could.
2. I regret the times I threatened to spank the boys because I was feeling frustrated. They didn't deserve to be spoken to that way.
3. I regret not being a better friend to my friends. I've been terrible at returning phone calls, and responding to emails.
4. I regret drugging the puppy when I wanted her to sleep.
5. I regret the times I ignored my kids so that I could spend time on the computer.
6. I regret not setting better boundaries for my kids.
7. I regret keeping my kids away from Joe's family for so long last year. That wasn't the right thing for me to do.
8. I regret not standing up for Mel in our infamous last day of school meeting.
9. I regret not sticking with any of my diets, or with running. (I really enjoyed the running)
10. I regret all the times I got worked up over a driver on the road. Road rage is not safe, nor is it worthy of my time.

I'm sure there's plenty more, but that's all I can come up with for right now. Anyone else want to atone?

-b

Random Events From The Weekend

• Went to a nice fair yesterday. Jacob was scared the whole time we were there, but Josh enjoyed it. Josh got a helium balloon, but Jacob was too scared to take one. On our walk home Jacob took the balloon from Josh and released it in the air. Josh started crying, and Jacob told him that he gave the balloon to daddy. Josh spent the rest of the weekend saying that daddy took his balloon, and he wants it back.
• T and I had a kid free day today. Went to Starbucks this morning. Read the whole paper, and had great conversation. Went shopping at the mall, then out for lunch. Saw a horrible movie called, "The Science of Sleep." It's a foreign film that had amazing cinematography (sp?) but was too crazy of a story for either of us.
• I may have gotten food poisoning at lunch b/c my stomach has been a mess since. I even used the bathroom at the movies, which I will only do in major emergencies b/c I have a huge phobia of going to the bathroom in public places. I won't even go at work.
• I loved every minute I spent with T. The boys have really grown to like him too. Josh cried when he left this afternoon. He will make an amazing father someday. (If not to my kids, then to his own.)
• My babysitter is wonderful. The boys love her, and while they napped today she cleaned the house. It was great to come home to a clean house. She even organized the playroom which was the messiest it had ever been.
• I got to see jrowe, and baby Dylan. Made me realize how much I miss having them here.
• This was a very good weekend indeed. (except for my stomach!)

-b