John Holland Update

No Joe.

Too tired to write more.

No Joe.

-B

John Holland

Tomorrow night Mel and I are going to see http://www.johnholland.com/ again. Last year when we saw him, I was completely blown away by the things he said. Both of us were skeptical going in, but were true believers upon leaving. My favorite thing he said was that as the spirit leaves a dying person, it travels through the unborn. As Joe was dying, I had one hand on his head, and the other on his hand. My pregnant belly was touching his side. As he died, I believe his spirit passed through Joshua inside me. Therefore, Joe's spirit will forever live inside Joshua. It explains a lot of Joshua's serious personality, and even possibly why he may have inherited the disease that Joe suffered from.

The only disappointing thing about last year's visit was that Joe didn't come through to me. And for some reason, I had it in my head that the readings would go on until 9:30. So at 9:00, when he announced that he was done, I began crying hysterically. I wasn't prepared for it to be over, and I was so very hopeful that Joe would come through to me.

So please Joe, tomorrow night, push all the other spirits out of the way, and come through to me. Tell me that you did make it snow, and that you do see how amazing your sons are turning out, and that you miss us just as much as we miss you.

Because boy oh boy, do we miss you.

-B

Give Me A K!

This is the beginning of the cheer Patrick and I came up with on our ride home from the regional cheerleading competition today in Rhode Island. Please, somebody tell me if I ever become a cheerleading mom. You know the type, obnoxiously loud when her daughter's team is up. Carrying around bizarre cheer paraphernalia that only others in the stands can see. Clearly trying to live vicariously through her daughter. We saw many, many of these today. But we also saw some great cheers that have inspired us to create our own. It will be the cheer of all cheers, and all of my loyal readers (Hi Jenn, Melanie and Nikki) can view this cheer in it's entirety in June. I had a fun day and am looking forward to our future plan to view the direct to video classic, "Bring it on 2." Patrick, make sure "you bring it!"

In other news, Thanksgiving was better than I had anticipated. I have found over the past year that this is often the case. The anticipation of a particular date is often way harder for me than the actual date. Thank you Nikki for talking to me on Wednesday when I was just so sad missing Joe. I appreciate that you let me be sad, and don't try to make me feel better. That's what I need at times.

Also, a really cool thing happened yesterday. We (boys, boyfriend and myself) were driving to the museum together. Nice day out. Jacob suddenly demands, "Mommy, make it snow now." I said, "Honey, I have no control over the weather, and it's too warm for snow." As soon as that was out of my mouth, what happens? Snow. Not just one snowflake, but lots of snow. Tell me Joe didn't have something to do with that!

Hmmm, this was an incredibly random blog entry, but I haven't had time over the past few days to post, and I wanted to share all of this.

-B

So Thanksgiving has hit me harder than I thought it would. I wrote last week that this year I would be able to be thankful for what I had, have, and will have. But I just miss Joe so much. It's hard to feel anything other than that. But I will try. Here's my list of things I am thankful for:

1. My 2 amazing sons
2. Great siblings
3. Friends that put up with my crazy crap and support me in ways that I don't think I could ever have imagined
4. A job that I love (almost always)
5. A house that I love
6. A great sporty minivan :O)
7. A support group filled with women that I adore
8. A really nice (dare I say?) boyfriend that I enjoy spending my weekends with
9. Enough money to pay my bills
10. My memories

Happy Thanksgiving

-B

For That, I am Thankful
by Darcie D. Sims

It doesn't seem to get any better...
but it doesn't get any worse, either.
For that, I am thankful.
There are no more pictures the be taken...
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.
There is a missing chair at the table...
but the circle of family gathers, close.
For that, I am thankful.
The turkey is smaller...
but there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.
The days are shorter...
but the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.
The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear and they still cost too much...
but I am still here.
For that, I am thankful.
The room is still empty, the soul still aches...
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.
The guests still come, the dishes pile up...
but the dishwasher works.
For that, I am thankful.
The name is still missing, the words unspoken...
the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.
The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.
The stillness remains...
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.
The moment is gone...
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful...
Love was once (and still is)
a part of my being...
for that, I am living.
I am living...and for that I am thankful.

Random Thoughts of Unfairness

1. M from group has MS
This I just don't understand. Too cruel, too unfair, too ridiculous.

2. Someone looked at a picture of Josh today and asked me if he had Joe's eyes, and I couldn't answer the question because I can't remember what Joe's eyes look like. I realize I can look at a picture, but am trying to picture them from memory, and I can't. I also can't remember his voice. I know it was deep, but I can't hear it in my head.

3. This will be my second Thanksgiving without Joe. I remember our last Thanksgiving together we played a murder mystery game. Jacob was 5 months old, and I was pregnant with Josh, but we hadn't told anyone yet. Joe was really funny that night. He was a funny guy.

4. I miss him.

5. Joshua will never have a single picture with his father.

6. Jacob will never fully understand how similar he is to his father.

7. I can't afford preschool for both boys without asking for help.

8. I have a whole group of friends who are in a very similar situation to mine. We are all good people, and none of us deserve this.

9. I will always wonder what my life would have been like if Joe were still here.

-B

Group Tonight

Thank god for Monday night group. The best thing I could have done after Joe died was join this amazing group of women. They inspire me, comfort me, laugh with (and at) me, and love me unconditionally. I can share with them the ups and downs of my daily life, and they always act like they want to hear more. I'm not sure I could have made it through this past year without them.

Our poor waiters have no idea what to do with us. Sometimes they walk by and we are laughing so hard, tears are rolling down our cheeks. Sometimes they walk by and we are crying so hard, tears are rolling down our cheeks. They may hear us talking about dating, or sex, (or lack thereof) or about watching our husbands die in front of our eyes. Typically, all of these subjects are touched upon at some point during the night.

I have no doubt that our husbands are all together watching us on Monday nights, drinks and cigars in hand, so pleased with themselves for getting us together. Thanks guys. We miss you beyond words, but are so thankful you helped us find one another.

-B

Freaking Out

I am basically having a panic attack because the guy I've been dating hasn't returned my message that I left a little over 2 hours ago. We had an amazing weekend together, I dropped him off this afternoon, and now I've convinced myself that he's done with me.

Why do I do this to myself? I think that I don't understand why anyone would want to be with me, because of all that I bring with me. As much as I am so incredibly thankful that I've got my sons, dating would be a hell of a lot easier without them. But I'd still have the dead husband baggage. And that's pretty heavy baggage. And the fear of abandonment baggage due to the dead husband dying without any chance for closure.

I was IM'ing this with Vincent, and he gave me some pretty good advice. I told him I was worried it was too much for guy I'm seeing, and Vincent said:
if it was, he'd tell you
until then start respecting him
respect his judgement
respect that he can decide for himself
and then be a big boy and tell you what he wants when he's ready

Amazing advice. Now how do I do that?

-B

I hate when by boys need a nap, and they know they need a nap, yet they refuse to take a nap. This is happening right now. And I am getting frustrated because I need a nap. Or at least a few minutes of quiet alone time.

Please, Oh God of Naps, put my darling sons to sleep so they can be darling again. I know I pray to you on a weekly basis, but this time I really mean it!

-B

Bad Habits

I have many.

1. Starting the wash and not switching laundry to dryer, therefore having to rewash clothes because they get all gross sitting in the washer. This used to drive Joe absolutely insane, which is slightly ironic, because he never once did the laundry in all our years living together. You'd think that if it bothered him so much, he would just have started doing it himself. But I digress. I don't know why I don't switch it. I'm just too tired to walk down to the basement. Tomorrow I'll be cursing myself for being so lazy, and having nothing to wear as a result.

2. Eating more than my fair share. This one is particularly disturbing to me because I feel like I should care about it more than I do. Every so often I'll get really mad at myself for not losing more weight after having the babies, but the rest of the time, I just don't care. If Joe were here, he would be very upset with my appearance. Maybe this is about some strange type of control? But it's out of control.

3. Checking e-mail incessantly. Don't think this needs an explanation, but wish I could go for longer stretches....it's not like I get that many emails.

4. Interrupting conversations

Can't think of any others right now, but if you know me and can think of one (or 5) feel free to tell me.

Overheard conversation between 2 of my third graders:

J: Where do you want to go to college?

M: Boston College. What about you?

J: Well, nobody in my family has gone to Yale yet, so I think I'll go there.

M: That's good. After college I'm going to play for the Red Sox.

J: OH! My brother (who's 6) is going to try out for them!

M: Cool.

...if only life were so simple

-B

Thanksgiving is in one week, and I haven't done a single thing to prep for it! For some reason, I always insist on hosting this holiday. J and I used to always host our families, and it was such a great day. Last year, Thanksgiving was a big turning point for me. I actually wrote about it in my journal. Here's what I wrote:

I am supposed to be thankful today, why does that feel impossible?

My house is filled with people; my sister and her family, my brother and his, my parents, cousins, kids, everyone is here. Everyone but Joe. He died 7 months ago in a hospital bed from the chicken pox. I know what you’re thinking. The same thing everyone thinks. Chicken pox? How is that possible? It'’s possible. Dead at age 31. Dead leaving behind a wife who loved him dearly. Dead leaving behind a 10 month old son who adored him. Dead leaving behind a son to be born in July who would never know him. Dead. IÂ’m supposed to be feeling thankful; for what I still have, for what I had. Instead I just feel utter emptiness.
I leave my house while everyone is eating. I can'’t bear to listen to the chatter of useless gossip. "who cares?" I feel like shouting, "“Joe’s dead!" Instead I walk out my front door. Not speaking to anyone. I am sure my family will watch over my boys, they will be fine. I walk around the block, tears streaming uncontrollably. Suddenly I feel myself changing. I am sick of being so sad, sick of feeling empty, sick of being alone. I can’t take this any more. I am going to make a change.

I'll never forget that instant where I got so fed up with being so damn sad all the time. When I look back at this past year, I can't believe how far I've come from that hopeless, lost soul, wandering around her neighborhood. This year, I think I can actually feel thankful for what I have, for what I had, and for my future.

Now...what to cook? Suggestions?

B

Relaxed Alert

This term was first introduced to me 10 years ago. I was a camp counselor at a day camp in Weston, MA. I was in charge of 21 six year olds, and was to never take my eyes off of them. My only "break" was during free swim. While the kids had free swim, counselors were allowed to lay by the pool and relax.

Well, not exactly relax, I soon learned. The director of the camp made me aware that I needed to be on relaxed alert. Huh? I was allowed to lay down and relax, but always needed to be alert enough to notice if there was a problem.

Since learning this new term, I have often felt like I am on relaxed alert. Even when I am supposedly relaxed, I'm alert, waiting for something to go wrong. How I would so love to just relax completely. To let myself enjoy a moment to the fullest.

When I think of all the relaxing moments that I've wasted by being on relaxed alert, I could just scream. My new goal is to learn how to relax and enjoy a moment to the fullest.

Wish me luck.

Jacob Wants Girl Underwear...should I be worried? :O)

Jacob's friends are all becoming potty trained. Jacob couldn't care less about such things. He does love his potty though. He carries it with him throughout the house, and stands on it to reach things he isn't supposed to be reaching.

Melanie's daughter, Rebecca, is now potty trained and tells everyone she sees that she is wearing big girl underwear. (she calls them underpants, but that's my least favorite word in the english language, so I'll call them underwear) Last night I was changing Jacob's diaper, and we had the following conversation:

Jacob: I want to wear big girl underwear.

Me: You mean you want to wear big boy underwear?

Jacob: No, big girl underwear!

Me: Like Becca?

Jacob: Yes.

Me: How about big boy underwear like Ryan?

Jacob: NO, big Girl underwear!!!!

hmmm. Would it be very damaging to him if I let him?

I am attempting to write my very first blog entry, after encouragement from my sister. For some reason I have started reading all of the blogs out there, and thought maybe it would be fun to try my hand at it. Not that I have anything of interest to say.

Hmmm, what to tell you about me? I currently seem to have a stalker. Well, maybe not a stalker, but close to it. I met him at my cousin's wedding. He was so very cute, and funny, and nice. Was also rather cocky. Saw me from across the room (so he says), came over and told me that he didn't know anyone there. I told him to stick with me, I knew many there. We hung out for the evening and had some nice talks. I told him that my husband died last year (he was only 31) and that I had 2 small children at home. He told me that he had a serious girlfriend who would soon be moving in. The wedding ended, we said goodbye. That was the end. Or so I thought.

Then yesterday I came home from work and saw a large package sitting on my porch. A package? For me? So exciting. I opened it up and found 22 items in this box, all from wedding guy. In case you're curious as to what the 22 items could possibly be, I made an itemized list:

1. Book, "The Prophet"
inscribed: " You made quite the impression on me. Quite smitten. I am not religious, but if I was to live by a code, this would be it. Such beauty. Such passion. A few things I read and thought of you.
bookmarked are pages 17, On children, p. 29, On joy and sorrow, p. 35, on clothes

2. Box of 10 Crayola washable kid's paint

3. Pet Love Mainecoon memo pad

4. comic strip "This Modern World"

5. Stuffed animal fish that talk when squeezed

6. New England Journal of Med sept. 22, 2005 "A sad day for science at the FDA"

7. toy robot

8. sticker of a dog with sunglasses

9. sticker of girl barely dressed with stickers of clothing to dress her with

10. video "Keeping the Faith"

11. Unopened container of fake dog poop

12. viagra keychain

13. Robot # 2

14. Fart powder

15. toy parachute

16. kitten magnet

17. teddy bear with "I miss you" shirt

18. toy pig

19. stuffed hedgehog

20. wind up eye

21. incredible hulk keychain

22. toy snake


WTF?????? Does this list make any sense to anyone? How could someone seem so normal, and then think to send me such random crap?