Understanding My Anxiety
(Or trying to, anyways)
(Or trying to, anyways)
Joshua has been sick since Saturday. Yesterday I stayed home with him. Today T stayed home with him.
My widow friends understand how huge that is. As a widow I have been playing mom and day for almost four years. I was it. I did it because I had to, but I hated it. There was so much pressure, so much responsibility. Now I have someone co-parenting with me. As long as Josh has been alive, I haven't had that.
It feels so good. It is such a relief.
But
I am so scared that it will go away again. I am scared that I will be back to raising my boys alone. And I know I can do it, because I've done it. But I don't want to.
I'm scared that I will be sleeping by myself again, that I will lose my amazing snuggler. And I slept by myself for the past three years, so I know I can do it. But I don't want to.
I'm so happy. But I live in fear that my happiness will be pulled away from me.
My amazing therapist keeps telling me that I need something other than a diamond ring to feel secure that T isn't going anywhere. That once I get a ring, I will still have my insecurities because that's who I am. I agree with her, but can't seem to keep from worrying that this will all end, that it's been too good to be true.
Does this post make any sense?
-b
My widow friends understand how huge that is. As a widow I have been playing mom and day for almost four years. I was it. I did it because I had to, but I hated it. There was so much pressure, so much responsibility. Now I have someone co-parenting with me. As long as Josh has been alive, I haven't had that.
It feels so good. It is such a relief.
But
I am so scared that it will go away again. I am scared that I will be back to raising my boys alone. And I know I can do it, because I've done it. But I don't want to.
I'm scared that I will be sleeping by myself again, that I will lose my amazing snuggler. And I slept by myself for the past three years, so I know I can do it. But I don't want to.
I'm so happy. But I live in fear that my happiness will be pulled away from me.
My amazing therapist keeps telling me that I need something other than a diamond ring to feel secure that T isn't going anywhere. That once I get a ring, I will still have my insecurities because that's who I am. I agree with her, but can't seem to keep from worrying that this will all end, that it's been too good to be true.
Does this post make any sense?
-b
9 comments:
Too much sense, dear. Too much sense.
It makes total sense, but I hope there is some way you can feel safer and more secure. I hope you can completely enjoy this fantastic relationship you have.
One day at a time... :o)M
I agree with M. It makes complete sense. I felt that, and you have much more reason so feel it. Try to believe in him and know you are worth it!! Hugs to you!
It makes complete sense and I can totally relate. Since I lost my father at an early age, and I am in total fear of losing my husband, or I guess the bigger fear is my son growing up without both his parents by his side.
Those boys are so lucky to have you as their mother, and the fact that they have each other for brothers is amazing. I believe your happiness is there to stay :)
Sorry for the ramble.
Of course it makes sense. In the beginning, it felt wonderful and odd to be co-parenting. I had never done that. My lh had dementia and then was in care facilatities, so even though he died just two years ago, he was never a parent to our daughter or a partner to me after he got sick. So I did it alone because what choice was there? (Amazes me a bit to know that some people truly think there is an option to "just doing it").
I worried about Rob all the time during our LDR and even after I moved to be with him and we got married. Worry was still there. I look back from time to time and shudder at the life I lived before. I could do it again too but hope I never, ever need to.
The ring on the finger? No it doesn't take away the fear that something could happen. How could it given what we know now, but for me - I am not a living together indefinitely person. I wasn't with my LH and I wasn't with Rob. I told them both that what I needed was comittment not just a shared living space. Long term co-habitating would make me crazy. I really don't think you are wrong to want to be engaged and married and know a timeline. People who think uncertainty about this is okay - puzzle me. But that's just my opinion based on me.
Look, we will always worry but it lessens as time goes by. It's not a bad thing to know that life is unpredictable and can be too short.
Oh B, you know I can relate. I just told E yesterday that doing the "divide and conquer" (he picked up Jack while I went to the grocery store) feels like such a luxury to me.
The fact that T stayed home with Joshua while he's sick is a big deal, very big. I know that he is very committed to you and to the boys.
And yet, I also understand your anxiety. I wish I had some magic advice for you. But I don't, because I felt the same way before E and I got married. Yes, we were wildly happy, and I knew he wasn't going anywhere. But now it feels like being married to him has removed the "if." It's peaceful and it feels grounded, if that makes any sense.
So your therapist is probably right...and yet...I can totally relate to what you're feeling too.
Love you,
K
Makes total sense to me as well.
It makes sense... I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a more secure "b" in 2008!
It absolutely makes sense.
And it's wonderful that T is home with Joshua today.
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