I finally had my hair cut
it had been almost eight months!
While she was at it,
I had her blow it out straight
It will last for a few days.
Oh how I envy straight haired girls.

edited to add: here is a second picture due to comments. Is this one better?

Eating Out Update

I was down a pound
I ordered the halibut
with brussel sprouts

It was amazing
and the company
was even better

-b

Eating Out

This weekend was full of eating out
Yesterday T, the boys and I ate hereWe all had breakfast for lunch

Last night I went out with some girlfriends
we ate (and drank) here
I ate the cheese quesadilla
and drank two frozen margaritas

Today T, the boys and I ate here
I ate a burger and a few fries
I passed on the milkshakes

Tomorrow widow group
will be eating here
What should I order?

How many pounds do you think I gained this weekend?
I will weigh in tomorrow morning
that may influence what I order
tomorrow night

-b

What's For Dinner?

Not only am I baking again
I'm also cooking again
It's fun, cooking for a whole family
My sister got me a new cookbook
and T and I agreed to go through it
and cook every recipe
(or most every recipe)

So far we have made chili, pasta with broccoli, chicken noodle casserole, shepherd's pie, and the most amazing stuffed chicken breasts
I keep meaning to take pictures
it's all been so good

Happy Eating!

-b

Booked a Trip

T and I are going away for April vacation
We were supposed to go to Paris
but I decided to postpone that trip
It's so very expensive to travel to Europe right now
and the dollar just keeps getting weaker

It seemed crazy to spend so much on a trip that
isn't a honeymoon
and since we still aren't engaged
there's no honeymoon coming soon

I think I'm ok with the fact that
we aren't yet engaged
the most annoying part
is people wanting to discuss it
asking me why it hasn't happened yet

T is making sure that we are his future
and I am making sure that he is our future
we have slowed things down a bit
but I think that's a good thing
There's so much at stake

We are still in love
we still plan on a future together
but time will tell
I guess

Hopefully we will still be together
in April
otherwise I'll be looking for a travel companion
to stay here with me

Check out the bathroom
seriously, who needs Paris?

-b

Life after Death

One would think that after all this time
images of Joe in the hospital would have faded
that when I closed my eyes at night
his dying body wouldn't appear in my head

One would think that almost four years
would be enough time to erase those memories
that the happiness that surrounds me
would properly bandage the wounds in my soul

One would think that by this point
I wouldn't still be having nightmares
where I'm trying to save him
trying to keep him here with me
then watching him fly away, farther away then ever

One would think that by now
I would no longer miss him
in the intense way
that I am currently missing him

One would be wrong

-b

Do My Boobs Look that Bad?

My mother called me up tonight
and told me she had the perfect
birthday present for me

She is taking me to get my boobs measured properly
and then will buy me two bras in the correct size

The place she is taking me is by appointment only
and is recommended by Oprah
our outing will be followed by dinner

I have to say I'm excited
because nice bras are expensive
and who can argue with dinner out?

but have my boobs been looking so bad
that this is a present you would think of getting me?

-b

p.s. this is not a dig at my mother. I think this is a great gift. Just hoping it's not due to the fact that my boobs have looked awful for years....

Cookies Made With Lovefreshly baked this morning by us :O)

My mom failed in many ways
as a mom
she is pretty good now
I can count on her
if I am truly desperate
but she is one of those people
that just wasn't cut out to be a mom
you know?

One thing she did amazingly well
when I was a kid
was bake cookies
I would often come home from school
to find freshly baked cookies

Our friends loved coming to our house
in part because there were very few (no) rules
in part because I think we were a friendly bunch
but one of the biggest reasons
were my mom's cookies

My favorite cookies
were her peanut butter Hersey kiss cookies
they weren't your ordinary peanut butter Hersey kiss cookies
you know the small ones with the one kiss in the center?
these were huge, with multiple kisses
they were always moist and chewy and gooey

Back in the day
I baked cookies just like my mom's
I baked for parties
I baked for new babies
I baked for new neighbors
They were always well received

But then came babies
and widowhood
and life in general
the baking stopped

My vision for a perfect snow day
was a cross between playing in the snow
and baking with the boys

This morning the boys and I made both of those visions come true
Cheers to a perfect snow day

Josh mixing the ingredients

Jacob taking the wrappers off the kissesflattening the cookies

kissing brothers

heading outside to work off those cookies

-b

Oh, how I love snow days!

Pictures to follow

-b

It's That Time of Year Again

It's National Delurking Day!!!!

Hooray!

Please introduce yourself
and if you're a regular commenter
help welcome the lurkers
by saying hello

-b

Bad mommy

Josh had a fever for 4 days
so we kept him home
yesterday he seemed fine
except for a rash
so I sent him to school
and went to work
then I got a call
that Josh was not well
I took him to the doctor's
and sure enough
he has Scarlet Fever
and a double ear infection
needless to say
we are home again today
and Josh's whole class
has been exposed
I suck

-b

Understanding My Anxiety
(Or trying to, anyways)

Joshua has been sick since Saturday. Yesterday I stayed home with him. Today T stayed home with him.

My widow friends understand how huge that is. As a widow I have been playing mom and day for almost four years. I was it. I did it because I had to, but I hated it. There was so much pressure, so much responsibility. Now I have someone co-parenting with me. As long as Josh has been alive, I haven't had that.

It feels so good. It is such a relief.

But

I am so scared that it will go away again. I am scared that I will be back to raising my boys alone. And I know I can do it, because I've done it. But I don't want to.

I'm scared that I will be sleeping by myself again, that I will lose my amazing snuggler. And I slept by myself for the past three years, so I know I can do it. But I don't want to.

I'm so happy. But I live in fear that my happiness will be pulled away from me.

My amazing therapist keeps telling me that I need something other than a diamond ring to feel secure that T isn't going anywhere. That once I get a ring, I will still have my insecurities because that's who I am. I agree with her, but can't seem to keep from worrying that this will all end, that it's been too good to be true.

Does this post make any sense?

-b

In A Funk

Haven't felt like blogging lately
I'm in a strange funk
I'm not sure why
and I can't even really explain how I'm feeling
I'm anxious all the time
Bitchy 90% of the time
and angry at the world

I'll be back
when the mood passes
I'm hoping that it's sooner
rather than later

-b