Updates

There's not too much to update, but for the sake of keeping up with my blog, I'll give it a shot.

My father-in-law is still alive. Which is good for many reasons, least of which is that I am in charge of his funeral, and he has decided for some asinine reason, to be buried 5 hours away from us. Who he expects to attend this funeral 5 hours away is beyond me, but he expects a proper service/burial. Whatever.

Grad School: I'm taking my very last class! It started last Wednesday night, and it's actually fun! I'm pretty proud of myself for going back to school and finishing this degree that I started so long ago. It will be a huge relief to finally be done.

My class: at school is the same as ever, but today I got a surprise; a new student. Just what we needed....

My sons: Are both doing well. They still talk about death a lot, but it's not bothering me anymore. They'll randomly say things like, "Did you know that my daddy is in heaven?" Or they'll put out flowers from a vase (That T got for me) and when I tell them to put them back they'll ask why they need to. And when I explain that the flowers will die if they stay out of the water, they'll ask if the flowers will then go to the sky. And when I say yes, they say that they want the flowers to stay out of the water.

T: Is wonderfully amazing. I love when he's here, I hate when he's away, and I'm scared this will all end.

Any other updates you would like? Ask away!

-b

Saying Goodbye
(part two)

We never had
a good relationship
due to the fact
that he was
a shitty father
and a shitty
grandfather
he was
and is
a cheap bastard
who never gave
any of us
a dime
He can talk
and talk
and talk
for hours
about the most boring topics
known to man
He always asked me the
same questions
over
and
over
and
over
clearly never
paying attention
to the answers I provided
At times
I have hated him
I never thought I
would miss him
So why did I cry
as I said
goodbye?

-b

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow the boys
and I
will travel
to Hartford

To visit my
father-in-law
and to say goodbye

He is dying
and will be gone
very soon

It will be
a very
sad
day

-b

The Interview

So my blog buddy, Nick wrote a post yesterday about interviewing a reader. He may have been joking, but I jumped at the chance. (surprise surprise!) Here are the questions he asked me, and the honest answers that I promised him:

You started blogging in November of '05, just over a year ago. A lot of blogs don't last that long. What keeps you going?

My blog has been a type of therapy for me. I have had so many ups and downs these past few years, and it has been a place for me to work through my emotions. I realize that I could do this in a journal, but then I wouldn't get any feedback. And those comments are addictive. I love the feedback I have received over the past year and a bit. This blog has also been a good way for friends to check in on me. Many of them never comment, but they are reading, and making sure that I'm ok. I've also made some actual real life friends from this blog. That has been an added bonus. It has become harder to keep up recently, mostly because T is often around, and I don't blog in front of him. But I still try to write a few entries a week.

If computers became illegal today, who from the internet would you try the hardest to find?

I would try my hardest to find this blog. I've never backed it up or anything, and would be crushed if I lost everything I had written. So I guess I'd be trying my hardest to find myself.

Fast forward 10 years. Tell us one thing about your life.

I am happily married and have a third child.

Your husband died almost three years ago at the age of 31. What advice would you give to someone who is just now going through what you went through at that time?

Let people help you. It's ok to cry every day. Join a support group! You are stronger than you could ever imagine yourself to be. Someday you will find happiness again.

Obviously we don't get do-overs in life. Imagine we did. If you could go back in time and change one, and only one, thing you've said or done, what would it be?

The night I went to see Joe at the hospital I would not have stopped at the front desk. I would have just marched right into Joe's hospital room, and held him, and told him how much I loved him. The fact that I stopped at the front desk, and was told that I couldn't see Joe, will forever haunt me. It was my last chance to see him conscious.

You're auditioning for American Idol. What song are you going to sing?

Obviously you've never heard me sing! But if I had to sing something it would have to be, "The Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Oh yeah.

Who's Patrick?

LOL! Patrick was the aide in my classroom last year. He had worked here for two years prior to that, but I never got to know him until last year. Patrick is one of the nicest, funniest, easiest to be around guys that I know. He's a good friend.

You surprise T with carry-out Chinese one night and discover him in bed with another woman. Do you leave immediately and eat the Chinese (like I would), or stay to confront them, letting the perfectly good Chinese go to waste?

I would join in. Just kidding! I would confront him, and then cry for the next week. The food would never get eaten.

Being a teacher, what advice do you have for someone considering a career in education?

Don't do it! It's way harder than people perceive it to be.

What advice do you wish someone would have given you when you decided to become a teacher?

I really don't know. I was given lots of advice, but brushed most of it off because I was a cocky new teacher.

What's your favorite and least favorite part of being a teacher?

My favorite part of being a teacher is watching a student understand something that s/he didn't previously understand. I had a lot of difficulty in school as a kid, and I love when I can actually help a struggling student not struggle any more. My least favorite part is dealing with bad behavior from students, parents and administrators.

Describe your mood right now in one word.

Anxious

If you could instantly and permanently change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd be skinny

You can marry any celebrity you want. Congratulations.

Why thank you!

Describe each of your children using one sentence that doesn't run on for a whole paragraph.

Jacob is a sweet, strong willed, funny, slightly strange, inquisitive child.
Josh is a cuddly, funny, smart, strong willed, mostly happy child.

Imagine you were never married and never had kids. How do you think your life would be different?

Perhaps I'd be living in a city somewhere closer to my sister. I doubt I would be very happy at this point in my life if I had never married, nor had kids. Both were so important to me. Dating would be far less complicated though!

Boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs?

Boxers, or boxer briefs. NO BRIEFS!!!!

You're going to be executed today. Should have just left and ate the Chinese... What's your last meal consist of?

Eggplant parm, good French bread with lots of butter, molten chocolate cake.

Any parting words?

I'm wondering why anyone reads my blog, including you. It's often so depressing! I appreciate all my readers though, and want to thank you for reading!

Thanks b :)
Thank you!

-b

Help My sister
(again)

Now that you've helped her pick a name for her baby to be, she has another question for you. Have any of you used a doula during labor and delivery? Can you share anything about your experience? Also, how much would you be willing to pay? Maybe if enough of you respond, she'll let you in on the name :O)

-b

Josh is sick
again

I walked into my classroom this morning, and noticed the red light was flashing on my phone. I checked my voicemail, and heard Josh's sitter's voice. I knew that could not be good. Josh had a fever of 103. How did I miss that when he woke up this morning????

I'm home with him now, waiting to see the doctor yet again. This will be trip number 4 in the past 5 weeks. I am starting to get very frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

-b

T is back!

T came home a day early
He surprised us by being here
when we got home

He took us out to dinner
While waiting for our food
Josh nuzzled into T's arm

and said

I love you

I teared up
of course

and T told Josh
that he loved him too

Now T's reading
Curious George
and putting the boys to bed

is it a wonder I missed him?

life is good
tonight

-b

I Miss T

He's away for work this week
and I just want him here
that is all

-b

When Will He Come Back?

That is the latest question
my 2 and 3 year old are asking
repeatedly

Why did he have to die?
is the other one
that keeps coming up

Never, and I don't know
just don't seem to be
sufficient answers

Because he was cheated out of life
and you were cheated
out of having him as a father
is what I would like to say

I guess they waited for the
grief to be easier for me
so that I can help them

as they truly face the loss
that has been with them
for two and a half years

I wish I had the answers
instead I only have questions

-b

Trip To The ER

This afternoon, after a nice day with the boys, Jacob fell. Not a crazy fall, just a normal, slip on the kitchen floor. He landed on his butt, and seemed fine. But he started to cry, so I sat on the floor to hug him. As soon as I took him in my arms, his head fell backwards, his eyes disappeared into his head, and he was out cold.

I called his name a few times, then began panicking. I carried him into the living room, and called 911. While on the phone with the operator he started making noises, and by the time the ambulance arrived he was fully conscious.

We went to the er and were released within 2 hours. The doctors think that either the pain, or the scare of the fall caused him to pass out.

Those moments, where Jacob was passed out in my arms, were quite possibly the scariest of my life. And I've had some scary moments.

-b

How did daddy die?

Just about every day
for the past week
or so

that question has been asked
by the boys

"He got really sick," I reply.

"With what?" They ask.

"With a bad sickness."

"Are we gonna die?"

"Not until you're very, very old."

"Was daddy very very old?"

blah

-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!

Poor T

He wanted to make the two of us
a romantic dinner tonight
he searched the internet
for a recipe

went to my favorite
produce store
to buy the freshest
ingredients

bought a nice bottle of wine

came home
and started cooking

the appetizers were
delicious

warm Brie
roasted garlic
fresh bread
crackers
and crabcakes

the salad with balsamic vinagrette
was perfect

but the pasta
with porcini mushrooms
sauteed with fresh tomato
white wine
and olive oil
was inedible

In fact
I spit it out
I couldn't even fake it

T was just a tad bit hurt

-b
(it's not too late to delurk)

Gulliver Traveled

To Widow Group
(pictured is 8 out of 10 members. Julie is behind the camera, and Monique moved back to Belgium this past summer)

Loweded Wookie had a whole bunch of rules on his blog about what one needs to do if they have Gulliver for a visit. I'll summarize the most important part here:

With regards the photos. While scenery is pretty cool and thereÂ’s some amazing places on earth, I know because I live in one of those places, what makes a place so cool is the people. I want to see the people where you live, not just your families but people in the city or surrounding areas. Show me parties with your friends, show me drunken bums holding Gulliver just show me the people that make where you live special and such a great place to live. That is the purpose of this experiment anyway, to show that we humans are just like everyone else despite borders,colorss, creeds, and religions. BTW, you donÂ’t need to be in the photo if you donÂ’t want to but if you do that would be awesome.

Part of what makes where I live so great, and part of the reason it would be so difficult for me to leave, is widow group. I know I've posted about them before, but they are worth many, many blog entries. These women all lost their husbands within the same year that I lost Joe. Most of us were strangers when we met in October of 2004. We all remember those first support group meetings. We were so sad, and it was so heartbreaking to hear the stories of how we all lost our spouses.

Our leader, Leah, told us that soon we would be looking forward to meetings, and we would even find ourselves laughing at the meetings. None of us believed her. We felt so hollow, laughter seemed like a distant memory.

But with time, and with the support of each other, we did start laughing again. I posted a year ago that every widow group there are tears, and every widow group there is laughter. That was true, even tonight.

There are tears for what we lost, for what our husbands, and children, and children never born lost. There are tears for the memories of illnesses, and saying goodbyes, and for never getting the chance to say goodbye. There are tears for the loneliness, and the aches in our hearts that will never ever leave.

But there is laughter too. Lots and lots of laughter. What do we laugh about? Life. Because even though we all lost a part of ourselves when our husbands died, we are still alive. And with the support of widow group, we are all living.

In my opinion Gulliver traveled to the best party out there. I feel so lucky to be able to join my widow group friends every Monday night.

As to where Gulliver will travel to next, it's been a really hard decision for me. I love all of my blog readers, and you are all worthy of a visit from this cheerful little guy.

I think after bringing him to widow group, it's only fitting to pass him on to another widow. So Pentha send me your address through a pm on the widow board. Gulliver is coming your way.

-b

National Delurking Week!

This is the week that everyone comes out of the closet!
If you read this blog at all
please out yourself
You don't have to say much
but say something!
Widow group, this includes you!

-b

Has Everyone Gone Crazy?

It may be this insane weather
we've been having
65 degrees in January
in Boston?

Or maybe it's the sugar
from the holidays
wearing off
slowly

Or maybe it's
the full moon
that just recently
ended

All I know
is that every child
I have come into contact with
today

both at school
and at home
have been acting
in such a way

That make me
desire
a loooong
break from children

Anyone else?

-b

Gulliver is here!

A while back, when I was feeling blue (not sure exactly when, could have been anytime actually), my good blogger friend, Loweded Wookie decided to cheer me up. He got an idea to send me Gulliver. I need to take pictures of Gulliver in Boston, and post a blog entry about his stay here, and then send him on to one of my blog readers who will do the same. Along with Gulliver came a notebook to write in, and a present from Loweded Wookie to me. A book of pictures of his native New Zealand.

LW, you made my day! Thank you for starting this project with me. (and now I know your real name! I promise not to divulge it)

So...who would like to be the next recipient of Gulliver?

-b

My Boyfriend...

T went away this afternoon for work
He'll be in CA for 8 days
He left the house hours after I did
and he left behind

love notes!
7 in all, hidden throughout the house
I've only found six so far
They are so sweet, I'm willing to ignore the fact
that my name is misspelled on all of them :O)

-b

Happy New Year!

Sorry I've been such a sucky blogger as of late, but T has been here all week, and I don't blog in front of him, nor do I check my blog in front of him, so it has caused me some blogging issues.

But he's still asleep upstairs, and I am getting ready for my first day back at school. note: getting ready=writing on blog.

We had a really good week off, and I've been dreading going back to work. But New Year's Day was soooo slow and boring that I think it was just what I needed to get myself wanting to get back into my normal routine.

Anyways, just wanted to check in real quick, and let you know that all is well.

I'll write more tonight.

-b
p.s. Gina, I do have a counter, but I never check it anymore. But regardless, I'm so happy you're checking in regularly!