Transition: The moments, strung out over months, Where I know I am no longer the woman I was, but not quite the woman I am becoming

This quote comes from one of my favorite widow self help books. I truly feel like I have changed so much over the past four years, and that I'm still changing. For the most part, I like who I am now much more than who I was.

This blog has helped me become the person that I am now.

You, my readers, my friends, my family, have helped me become the person I am now.

I will be forever grateful for the amazing support I received here, both from people whom I know in real life, and from virtual strangers.

It is time for me to walk away from this blog. As much as I have loved writing it, and as helpful as it has been, it's time to say goodbye.

Thank you for helping me make this latest transition.

Much love,
b

Taking Some Time Off

I'm finally feeling better after two weeks of back to back illnesses. Two weeks ago it was a nasty stomach bug, then last week it was some nasty head thing. Both kicked my ass severely, and caused me to miss quite a few school events that I was looking forward to. I was able to attend the last day of school party, but wasn't able to party quite as hard as I did last year. It was fun nonetheless.

Now summer has officially begun, and I have an amazing summer planned. The boys will be in day camp from 9-4 every day. I will be working out every morning, and then writing every afternoon. We joined the pool, so after camp we will spend an hour or two at the pool, eat dinner there, and then come home for showers and bed.

I will be taking an essay writing class that I am super excited for, and will hopefully be reading a ton.

That said, I think I may take the summer off from blogging. I just kind of need a break from checking in. Somehow it feels like a burden recently. Maybe it's because I've been so sick. I guess we'll see.

If anything super exciting (I can't imagine what :O) ) happens, I will post, but otherwise I will likely stay away for at least a month.

Enjoy July! I will be back.

love,
b

Last Day of School

It's hard to believe
that yet another year is done
This was a great one
and I'm sad to see it end
but I am so very excited
for summer vacation

Happy Summer!

-b (Sorry for the recent lack of posts. I've been really sick.)

Dear Anonymous from New Haven, CT.,

Who are you? You read my blog regularly, and only make negative comments. You seem to despise me for living my life while still on occasion, missing my late husband.

Do you know me?

Have we met?

Why are you so bitter?

I've always responded to your comments. I dare you to respond to mine.

-b

June 14th

10 years ago tonight
I was anxiously awaiting
walking down the aisle
in the morning
it was raining
and rain always has made me anxious
but I wasn't at all anxious about becoming
a wife
I always felt like
I was meant to be a wife
On the morning of June 14, 1998
I became your wife

5 years ago tonight
I was anxiously awaiting
the birth of my first son
it was raining
and rain always has made me anxious
but I wasn't at all anxious about becoming
a mother
I always felt like
I was meant to be a
mother
On the morning of June 14, 2003
I became your mother

Happy 10th anniversary, Joe
Happy 5th birthday, Jacob

-b

If I Should Fall Behind

Here is the song that was danced to during the ceremony. It was incredibly touching.

A Wedding

My cousin, Jeff got married last night
The wedding was one of the nicest I've been to
Not nice as in fancy
but nice as in genuine
Watching my cousin watching his bride
you could just tell
how much he loved her
They are both dancers
and their first dance was spectacular
with dips, and lifts, and twirls
Two of their friends performed an
interpretive dance during the ceremony
to one of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs
(In fact, we played it at Joe's funeral)
It was really beautiful
and touching
To my cousin Jeff, and his beautiful Bride Tedessa
May you have many happy years together

my brother, his lovely wife, my parents, me, T
at our hotel prior to the wedding

Jeff and Tedessa under the chuppa that Jeff built himself
The wedding kiss

T and me

My sister and me

Dreaming of a Different Life

Every night this week
I have had a recurring dream
In the dream Joe is still alive
but he has been in hiding
for the past four years

He comes out of hiding
and shows up at my doorstep

I have so many mixed emotions
upon seeing him each night

Relief comes first
He's still here!
He can see Jacob graduate from preschool
He can finally meet Joshua

Anger comes next
Where has he been?
Why would he hide like that?
Does he have any idea what he's put me through?

Then along comes worry
Everyone will be so mad when they find out
we've been lying to them
I will owe people money
We'll be shunned

Then I feel conflicted
I want Joe to be alive
but he can't step into my life
the way my life is now

Then I wake up
Every night at the same point
I wake up

It's the crying that wakes me
I'm crying in my dream
and I'm crying in real life

It always takes me a minute to sort out
fact from fiction
to convince myself
that Joe really is dead
he is not hiding
there is no way

And then I feel sad
and empty
and alone

Anyone care to interpret this dream?

-b

Sorry For the Previous Post

To make it up to you, I will post some pictures from the Memorial Day party that took place in my backyard.

The first grade team

a bunch of teachers

H (Mel's daughter) pushing Joshua

snapshot

Patrick playing with the kids

-b

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We broke up today.

Was it something you said?

Was it something that I said?

No.

There was just nothing left to say.

You've been so good to me these past few years.

You've listened to me, guided me, advised me, and gave me the occasional dosage of tough love.

But I'm in a really good place now.

Life is good.

I laugh more than I cry.

I am relaxed more often than I'm worried.

I just no longer need to keep seeing you.

Maybe (probably) I will come back. I will sit in your office and share my problems, and you will guide me once again.

But for now, I am taking a break from you.

Goodbye my amazing therapist!

love,
b

Note To Self

Dear Self,
Next time you go hiking with the boys, and the boys are showing you a route they take with their teachers, leave a trail of breadcrumbs, or better yet, pay attention to where you are going. Because it's true, the boys do know how to follow the trail that leads to the hill, that leads to the dock, that leads to the fishermen.

But they don't know how to get back, and strangely enough, there seems to be multiple trails heading back, and the boys will argue over which trail is correct, and you will end up guessing the wrong trail and will have to backtrack for what seems like hours even though is far less than that, but with the sun beating down on you, and the boys fighting, and Josh reaching his arms up to be carried you will wish you were anywhere but there.

Then, because you are lost in the woods, you will start to imagine that there are coyotes, because there have been coyote sightings in Newton recently. You will wonder why you didn't bring snacks. You always bring snacks and right then everyone could use a snack. And if a coyote did approach you could throw your snack for the coyote, and gather the boys in your arms and run.

By the time you see the JCC you will be ready to bow down and kiss the ground in gratitude. Neither child will be speaking to you at that point, but you won't care. Your car is in view, and your car holds snacks and air conditioning, as well as a GPS system. You will no longer be lost.

Remember this all for next week when you try it again, OK?

-b

I just finished reading this book of short stories, and I could relate on some level to each story. I highly recommend it, if you are looking for a good read.

-b

The Library Card

A library card may seem like just another card to hold onto, another card to get lost, or stolen. To me a library card has always been a symbol of freedom, a pass to a world of knowledge. What could be better than a huge building filled with books that you get to take home for free? And these days there's videos, dvds, and cds. There is free internet, and best of all, there is quiet. Everyone, even the youngest of children know that the library is a place where voices are to be kept quiet, where only whisper voices are acceptable.

I've tried to bring the boys to the library on a weekly basis, but must admit that the past few months have found our afternoons to be too busy to stop on our way home from school. Yesterday, after hearing Joshua plead to go to the library for weeks, I finally relented.

As we walked into the children's section I wondered aloud if Jacob was old enough for a library card. "He just needs to be able to print his name by himself," the librarian answered as she walked by.

I looked at Jacob and asked him if he'd be interested in getting his own library card. He nodded excitedly, and I grabbed an application from the desk.

We browsed for a while, then got in line with our books. Jacob wrote his name in his sloppy four year old handwriting, with his "b" hardly recognizable. Still, it was his very own library card! I could barely contain my enthusiasm.

"This is such an exciting event!" I said for maybe the 5th time.

"Stop saying that!" Jacob screamed. Mind you, we were still in the quiet library.

I looked down at Jacob, completely confused. "Why are you so angry?"

"Because it's not exciting. Stop saying it's exciting. I hate the library!" (again, screaming inside the library!)

Why do kids know exactly what to say to ruin a moment?

On the plus side, Joshua has been practicing writing his name since we got home so that he can get his own card.

-b

CW 90210 Upfront Presentation

Beach Day
This morning we drove to about 7 different beaches to scout out possible Scuba dives for T. The boys loved checking out all the different beaches, and I enjoyed taking pictures.


The boys walking back from beach # 5

the path that led to beach # 2

beach # 3?

Silliness on beach # 1

Stop taking my picture and wipe my nose!!!!!

-b

A Message to B & C

Have an amazing weekend
I expect details
from both sides!

-b

90210

My sister called me yesterday with exciting news that she thought I didn't know.

R: Guess what show is coming back this fall?

B: Beverly Hills 90210! I can't wait!

R: You already knew this? I just read it!

B: Oh, my dear sister. don't you know that if there is any news about Beverly Hills 90210 I know it immediately?

R: Well did you know that they are just calling it 90210, and that they are dropping the Beverly Hills?

B: I did not know that, but it makes perfect sense. We all know what 90210 stands for. And I, for one, can't wait to see what those crazy kids from Beverly Hills are up to.

Who's with me?

-b

Wait, I'm 33?

T and I were walking out of a local restaurant recently, and I thought I recognized an old friend from high school.

"Dave?" I said.
"No, Tom," Tom responded.
"Oh, sorry. You look just like an old friend of mine."
"No problem," Tom said.

T turned to me and asked who I had thought Tom was.

"Oh, just an old friend from high school," I said.
"B, that guy was 20 or 21 years old. How could he have been a friend of yours from high school?"
"But, but, but that's what Dave looked like last time I saw him," I protested.
"How long ago was that, B?'
"Um, maybe 10, 11 years ago?"
"Exactly my point, B."

When did my friends stop looking 20 or 21? And how did I get to be 33? I still feel like I'm 17. Honestly.

-b

One more on Joe

It still amazes me how much is expected of a widow/widower immediately after their spouse dies. I had to make more decisions within the first 24 hours after Joe died then I had ever made before. It started the moment I walked into the house after (finally) leaving the hospital. Scratch that, it started in the hospital!

After we left Joe's room, I had to meet with someone, I don't even know who! I had to tell that person what to do with Joe's body. What funeral home was he going to. Luckily, my whole family was there, and they had some knowledge about funeral homes. I announced that I wanted the rabbi who married us to officiate the funeral. This was all within an hour of him dying.

Then I got home, and as I walked in, the phone was ringing. It was the funeral home director wanting details from me. I remember sitting at my dining room table that was filled with food, thanks to my amazing friends. My friends were sitting around the table, and I was telling the funeral home director facts about Joe. Facts like his time of death, his place of birth, his Hebrew name, how did his face look upon his death, what would I like him dressed in for his funeral. i was in such shock still, and I had to answer these questions. It was like a really really bad dream.

The next day I had to pick a cemetery, pick a plot, pick a coffin, and negotiate the details of his service. Thank god my siblings and mother were with me. I don't know what I would have done without them. So many decisions, so many questions. It was awful.

My other saving grace were my friends. While I was out making these decisions, they were watching Jacob, cleaning (seriously cleaning)my house, making me meals, and shopping for funeral clothes for me. I actually came home to two outfit choices thanks to Anna and Jen (thanks guys!)

I also came home to an amazing photo tribute to Joe that was displayed at his funeral, and is now hanging in the play room. I feel so lucky to have such amazing friends who helped me through such a difficult time.

Here is the photo collage they made:

(click on image to make larger)

-b

Broken BrooklynShe has a broken pelvis and needed stitches on her leg. She's bruised up and down her belly, and she will require bed rest for the next month. But she is alive, and as sweet as ever. Thank you for all your concern.

-b