April 30th

Tonight marks the four year anniversary of the last night Joe and I spent together at home. The last night I lay in his arms. The last night we had a normal conversation. To read more about that night click here.

If you read the story, please leave a comment on this post.

I have decided to share links to Joe's story each night, as well as share stories of life with Joe each night. If you knew Joe, please post a story in the comment section, or in an email to me. I will add them to the main posts. Please help me celebrate Joe's life, as well as remember the tragic way he died. He deserves it.

My Wife Is A Dirty Bird
(Story suggested by my sister)

On a rainy Friday afternoon in September, 2000, Joe and I headed to Logan Airport. We were flying to Detroit to visit friends. We were excited that we were not only seeing them, but we were going to see the Red Sox play against the Tigers.

When we arrived at the airport we checked the boarding sign and read that our flight was cancelled. Not delayed, cancelled. We went up to the check in person and inquired about our flight. Due to weather elsewhere, the plane we were supposed to take was unable to get into Boston. They put us on a new flight scheduled to leave five hours later.

We were frustrated but decided to make the best out of the situation. We headed over to the Northwest Business Club. Joe walked up to the counter in his jeans and baseball hat and informed the woman working that due to our cancelled flight, we wanted to relax in the lounge while we waited five hours. The woman looked Joe up and down, and concealed a laugh.

"The lounge is for members only, sir."
"Okay, how can I join?" Joe asked, not batting an eye.
"It's a $250 annual charge." (I don't really remember the cost, but it was something like that)
"It's open bar, correct?" Joe inquired.
"Yes. It's a self service open bar," the lady responded.
"All the better," Joe said, as he handed her his credit card.

Joe then proceeded to drink $250 worth of alcohol while we waited to board our plane. He insisted that it was like an all you can eat buffet. he had to get his money's worth.

For five hours I sat in the fancy lounge filled with businessmen waiting to go home, watching my husband get more and more drunk. Those that knew Joe, know that he was not a quiet drunk. He started to sing, and to flip his baseball cap high in the air. I was getting nervous that we wouldn't be allowed to board the plane.

Joe excused himself, and I assumed he was going to the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with a giant stuffed bear with Northwest gear on him.

"This is for you, baby," Joe slurred. "You're my little teddy bear, and you looked nervous so I had to buy this for you."

Just then then called our flight. Filled with relief I pulled Joe up, and started walking us to the door. That's when the yelling started.

"MY WIFE IS A DIRTY BIRD!"

I looked over at Joe in horror. He screamed it again, "My wife is a dirty bird!"

"Joe!" "They are not going to let us on the plane! Stop!" I begged.

"My wife is a dirty bird," he whispered, grinning ear to ear.

We boarded the plane and I managed to get Joe settled in next to me. The smell of alcohol permeated the air, and I knew it was all due to Joe.

"Just so everyone knows, my wife is a dirty bird!" Joe yelled one more time. Then he put his arms around me, laid his head on my shoulder and promptly fell fast asleep. Somehow he managed to wake up in Detroit completely sober.

I'm not even sure where he got the dirty bird thing, but he laughed every time I shared the story with him. He of course had no recollection of any of it, but my proof to him that he was drunker than drunk was when his credit card showed that he paid $300 for a stupid stuffed bear.

-b

To Post or not To Post
That is the question

For the past two years I have posted Joe's story during the days leading up to his death. I have done it for a number of reasons. One reason was it was cathartic for me, one reason was to share his story with my readers, many of whom didn't know his story. The most important reason for me was so his story wouldn't be forgotten. I was so scared of his story being forgotten.

I am torn this year on posting his story. I am not sure I have any new readers, and in fact think I have lost readers over the past year. Assuming that's true, you have all read his story once or twice, and probably don't want to read it again. So I am nervous that I will post the story and it won't get read, and that will depress me.

That said, I'm also not sure that Joe's story should be Joe's story. Joe lived like no one else I have ever met. The way Joe lived should be his story, not the way he died. So maybe we should share stories of how he lived? Maybe I should do both?

What do you think? What should I do? Please advise.

Help me

-b

Kind of at a loss

It's that time of year again
surprisingly, I made it through April much better than the past few years
But it's almost May
and I don't need to look at a calendar to know that
My body, my mind, my soul
all know it on their own
I'm at that place where I can't close my eyes
without reliving the past
I can't drive my car
without crying
I have no desire to make small talk
so please humor me
and don't try
I just want to be alone
yet surrounded
that may make sense to some of you
but I suspect some readers will take issue
with the fact that I'm grieving
yet again
while hoping that T will propose
yet again
and I'm not sure that I can say anything
that will make you understand
because clearly you don't understand me
not that I fault you for that
I don't understand myself right now either

-b

Montreal Moments

T and I walked through a beautiful park designed by the same man who designed Central Park, and The Public Gardens in Boston. It was beautiful, but we kept walking uphill higher and higher, and then we had to climb one billion stairs. But at the end we had the whole city behind us. I asked some poor girl who was huffing and puffing to take our picture. I'm glad she agreed.

On Sundays, in this particular park, drummers gather together and drum for hours. All types of people congregate to listen and dance. Watching this was my favorite moment of the whole trip.

Wherever we go, T buys me beaver pens. It's an inside joke, but if you know it, hopefully you're laughing. He bought me two, just in case I break the first one. :O)

My new kitchen
(Blogger is having some issues. Please disregard tiny pic above. Blogger won't allow me to delete it)
I ordered new hardware for the cabinets, and the bottom picture shows the hardware that has come in so far. The new floor will be installed in 2 weeks, and then I am done. I really love it. Hope you do too!

-b

Conversation With T on Tuesday Morning During Breakfast
(Montreal has amazing food, btw)

T: What's wrong?
B: Nothing. (sulking. anyone who knows me knows that I can't hide my feelings for a second.)
T: Clearly something is wrong. May as well tell me.
B: No. It will only get me in trouble.
T: Just spill it.
B: I just....I just had an expectation for this week, and I'm realizing that it's not going to happen, and I'm feeling sad.
T: What were you expecting?
B: What do you think I was expecting?
T: I don't know. A ring?
B: Yep.
T: I'm sorry. I hate that you're disappointed.
B: Well, I'm not going to be the only disappointed one. EVERYONE thought we would get engaged this week.
T: Everyone?
B: Yes, everyone.
T: Who exactly, is everyone?
B: My family, my friends, my coworkers, my widow group, my blog readers...
T: Your blog readers?
B: Yes, my blog readers. They thought you would propose this week too.
T: And you know this because...
B: They are smart! And any smart person with a brain knew that this was the week you were supposed to propose! And now I have to go back and tell everyone that you didn't, and I feel so stupid.
T: Would it help if I told you that there is a plan?
B: (sniffing) Is there a plan?
T: Yes. It doesn't involve Montreal, but there is a plan, and there has been for a while.
B: OK, that helps.
T: Be sure to pass that on to everyone, so no one else is disappointed.
B: OK. It will help, but they're all still gonna be mad at you, you know.
T: I can't win, can I?
B: Not until you propose. Then you will win.

-b

p.s. the rest of the week was amazing. Many things to share, but guess who stayed at our hotel? The Boston Bruins! Sadly they lost, and Montreal went nuts, but they stayed in our hotel! I evn got pictures taken with them. Unfortunately, I couldn't identify a single one, but it was cool nonetheless.

Journeys

sleeping late in a king size downy bed
sipping lattes while reading my book
eating croissants, steak frites, and fresh baguettes
lingering at museums for as long as we please
late dinners at candlelit restaurants
walking the streets while looking for nothing
horse drawn carriage rides through historic streets
long soaks in a deep tub, showers made for two
sleeping in my lover's arms
with no worry of being awoken by children or dogs

I will be doing all of the above for the next week
I will post back on Friday
have a great week

-b

When I first started this blog, I posted about my favorite widow book, "Companion Through the Darkness." The author became a widow while pregnant, and I could relate to so many of her definitions of words. I came across the old entry tonight, and was happy to see that I no longer could relate to many of the definitions. Here is the old list, with my updates in color:

Grief:
The act of accepting forced change;
a constant state of my existence,
in varying degrees from white hot to disgruntlement;
a sign that I am truly alive.
I can't say that I am still grieving the way I once was. The kind of grieving that stays with you from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep, and even once you are asleep, it haunts you in your dreams. I grieve still, but it comes in spurts. It hits me when I least expect it, and it leaves me just as quickly as it hits me. And I am so grateful for that.

Cognizance:
A momentary lapse into sanity,
where I realized that my insanity is a sane reaction
to an utterly insane event.
You'll have to tell me if I still am acting crazy.

Inertia:
The place I find myself caught in;
not the past, not the present, and not yet the future.
Utter emptiness.
I no longer feel empty. I feel like I'm really, truly living, and loving life.

Hanging on:
Something I do,
but I don't know why.
I remember feeling this way. I don't feel this way anymore.

Mourning:
The total insanity
that followed in the months after he died,
from which I have emerged different,
taller, stronger, more armored, more soft;
the process of sorting the seeds
into manageable, orderly piles.
Love this one.

Mystery:
The maze of thoughts
I have about where you went.
Yep.

Happiness:
A state of being
that I don't believe
will ever come to me again.
I am happy.

Rage:
The state I use to survive
seemingly endless moments
of intolerable pain.
Went through that.

Gratitude:
The feeling I have now for even the smallest progress,
for my expectations are so low I am difficult to disappoint.
I do feel like I appreciate things that most take for granted. I hope I do, anyways.

Envy:
When I forget that to trade places
with another is simply to trade problems;
the state I find myself in
when I think that my pain, my tragedy
is greater than anyone else's.
I still struggle with this. I have a great deal of trouble sympathizing with those losing a loved one that is older, that has lived his/her life. I just don't feel the sympathy that I used to feel. I wish this wasn't so.

Child:
The life you left behind to keep me living.
My boys.

Pity:
The rasp that opens my shameful wound;
the look on people's faces
where they haven't a clue what to say to me,
and when (I suspect) they want to believe
that it will never happen to them.
This still happens, but much less frequently.

Transitional Lover:
A person who took me across the gulf
between your death and my life.
I've had a few of those.

Epiphany:
The moment I realized
he was never coming home again.
Still haven't really realized that yet. Four years later, and his bathrobe is still hanging in the closet. He might need it you know.

Magic:
Something that still exists
if I listen
and follow the signs.
Something that breathes hope into me
when I least expect it.
Oh yes, I believe.

-b

Giddy

This weekend T and I will travel to Montreal
We are going without children
and will be gone for 5 nights
while I will miss the boys terribly
I can hardly contain my excitement
at the idea of being away with T
for so long

-b

p.s. Any recs on things to do in Montreal?

Demo Continued

The worst part is the dust
and the fact that I can't use my dishwasher

-b

Let The Demolition Begin

Wish me luck

-b

Conversation with Joshua

b: Joshua, mommy is getting very frustrated. I have asked you THREE times to change your clothes, and you still haven't gotten started!

J: (Looking at me with a sly smile) Mommy, you look sooo beautiful today.

b: (feeling terrible for yelling) Aww, that's sweet of you Josh. Thank you.

J: I love you sooo much, mommy.

b: I love you too.

J: (with giant grin) I know just what to say to make you happy.

Yes, at age 3.8, my son has mastered the art of manipulation. I would say that he learned it from his father, but.... Does that mean he learned it from me? No, must be T. :O)

-b

Pregnant Man?

Can we please discuss the pregnant man????
I am watching Oprah
and just can't get over it
They seem like nice people
but, but, but
something just seems not right about this
Am I being too closed minded?
Please discuss

-b

5 Things...

5 Things...

I was tagged by another favorite blogger over at Wisconsin mommy for a five things meme Interestingly, she and I have an awful lot in common. Be sure to check out her blog.

First, the rules:
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know they've been tagged and to ask them to play along and to read your blog.

What I was doing 10 years ago - 1998
1. Preparing to get married! Yes, this June would have been my 10 year anniversary. I was a young bride.
2. Finishing my first year of teaching. I started out teaching kindergarten, and have moved my way up to third grade.
3. Waking up every morning at 5 to get to step aerobics to get in shape for my wedding.
4. Getting a new kitten.
5. Living a pretty carefree life.

Five things on my to-do list today
1. Fold laundry (always have this on my to-do list)
2. Watch American Idol
3. Bake with the boys
4. Buy Melanie a birthday present (happy birthday, Mel!)
5. Work on chapter 11 of my book.

Snacks I enjoy
1. Cut up fruit
2. Freshly baked cookies
3. Ice cream
4. Nachos
5. Cereal

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. Buy a very large house with staff
2. Quit my job and write full time
3. Buy a vacation house on the beach
4. Donate to charities I care about
5. Travel regularly

Five of my bad habits
1. I am messy
2. I am on the computer way too often
3. I leave laundry in the washing machine for days at a time
4. I eat junk food
5. I watch the crappiest tv ever made

Five places I have lived
1. Newton, MA
2. Natick, MA
3. Boston, MA
4. Cambridge, MA
5. Where I live now, MA
There is something very sad about this list.....

Five jobs I've had
1. Teacher
2. Camp counselor
3. Nanny
4. Cafe worker
5. Barnes and Noble employee (for two days)

I tag JRowe, Pentha, Brett, Kyle, and Joan.

More Random facts

1. My first boyfriend was named Andrew and he lived in Roslyn, NY. I met him on a cruise during my freshman year of high school. We spent the whole week together and I fell in love. We continued "dating" for a few months after the cruise. he used to write me the cheesiest love letters that Owen would read to my study hall classmates. I loved those letters, cheesy as they were. I visited him in NY during my April vacation, but he broke up with me in May. We met up again the following February vacation on another cruise. I was dating Joe at the time, but couldn't resist kissing Andrew. I confessed to Joe upon my return home and he was mad at first, but forgave me when I told him that Andrew told me that my kissing skills had greatly improved since I started dating Joe. I googled Andrew recently and he is a therapist in San Francisco. he works with abused children using yoga as therapy.

2. I love carbs. Give me a big bowl of pasta, a bagel with cream cheese, crusty french bread with butter, or a bowl of rice krispies. It's all good. If I could change one eating habit I have, it would be to cut out carbs. But that's really all I like to eat. Meat does nothing for me, and in fact, it often grosses me out. My typical lunch this year has been a bowl of cereal and a bagel.

3. I have had 4 dogs in my life, including Brooklyn. The first dog was named Molly. She was very sweet, and well behaved, but was hit by a truck and killed. My next dog was Joey, and he was crazy. We didn't keep him for very long. My third dog was Emma (long before the name became trendy). We got Emma when I was in the 5th grade, and I immediately fell for her. She was very sweet, and very cute, but was never trained properly. She would escape our backyard and chase people. She would pee and poop everywhere in the house, and chewed furniture. She had major anxiety issues, and the older she got, the worse her behavior became. When I was in the 9th grade we ended up giving her away. I was so sad and mad at my mom. Brooklyn reminds me a bit of Emma. As crazy as she makes me, I hope to keep her for the long haul. No promises, but I'm going to try.

4. When I go to the movies I like to sit in the back row, which drives most people nuts. The reason for this preference, is that I hate when people talk in the movies. It drives me crazy! But I notice it most if the talking/noise comes from behind me. If I am in the back, the chances of me being annoyed by noise is significantly less than if I am in the middle of the theater. Last night T and I went to the movies and saw a great little movie.
I wanted to sit in the back row, but T wanted to sit smack dab in the middle of the theater. Sure enough there was an older couple sitting directly behind us. The movie started, and apparently the husband wasn't aware that the movie had subtitles. Every few minutes I would hear "What does that say?" "Why are their subtitles if they are speaking English?" They actually weren't that bad once the movie got going, so the seats ended up fine, but if the talking had continued I would have had to say something to them, or move, otherwise the movie would have been intolerable.

5. I moved off campus my sophomore year of college, and I think that was a big mistake. I loved my freshman year, and felt like I had many close friends and was part of a community. For some reason I became obsessed with the idea of getting an apartment the following year. I moved out with a friend, and we had a really nice apartment in a really bad neighborhood. I became a commuter, and never really fit in at school. If I could do it again, I would have stayed on campus at least another year.

-b

5 random facts about me
inspired by Patrick's suggestion
hopefully I've never shared these facts before
If you like them, I'll write 5 more

1) When I was a kid, I used to hide under my bed and say a prayer every time it rained heavily. Now I don't hide under my bed, but I still get just as anxious. Sometimes I will lay in bed and put the covers over my head and hope that when I wake up the rain will have stopped. I have no idea where this rain anxiety came from, but think it may stem from a movie I watched as a kid where it rained so hard, all living things died and oceans were formed. I know, I have issues. But when I look at things like this I can't help but think one day soon my fears will become a reality.

2) Sometimes I miss the freedom of being fat. (Not that I'm what you'd call skinny now, but I don't think I'm fat either.) That may sound really odd, because there isn't too much that allows you to be free when you're fat. It was hard to go clothes shopping, I often felt insecure, and I hated how I looked. But I ate whatever I wanted, and sometimes I miss that freedom. I hate worrying about what I might gain if I eat a croissant, or a bowl of ice cream. I haven't eaten ice cream since I started my diet last summer! When I'm walking down the aisle at the grocery store I look at the Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with such longing, I can practically taste it on my tongue. But instead I buy weight watchers desserts, or skinny cow desserts, which are tasty and low in points, but not at all the same as Breyer's mint chip. I'm thinking those of you who have struggled with weight will relate, but maybe tis is more of me being crazy.

3) Sometimes I get through an entire day without thinking about Joe. Other days I can't get him off of my mind at all. Every story, every song, every joke, every person on tv all remind me of him. The days when I don't think of him at all are much easier days, but when I think of him I typically don't even get sad anymore. He's become a happy, distant memory for the most part. I'm thankful for that.

4) I'm a little worried about my trip to Montreal this April. Typically April is a very hard month for me. The past three years I have sunk into a deep depression for the whole month, as it is the build up to Joe's death anniversary. April vacation is usually the hardest week of all. I get very moody, cry easily, and don't want to talk. What if this happens while I am away with T? Can I escape this pattern by going away? I certainly hope so.

5) This morning I dropped the boys off at their babysitter's house. Their preschool is closed for the day. They undid their seatbelts, got out of their carseats, opened their doors (power sliding, but still), got out of the car, walked up to the door and rang the bell. Their sitter opened the door and waved at me. I drove away thinking, "How did I get to this point?" My kids have become so independent, and I love it! I'm terrified of starting over with a new baby, and if T and I get married, we will (hopefully) have a baby together. I know that it will be wonderful, but we just got to the easy part! I never even had to put the car in park! How to go back to infant seats, and diapers, and bottles, and night feedings.

Ask me anything

I don't have much to say these days
even at therapy today
I was pretty much speechless
I know, it's hard to picture me speechless
but I was
nothing bad is going on
nothing exciting is going on
life is just continuing on its merry way

I want to write something interesting
so help me out
ask me some good questions
and hopefully they'll inspire
a decent entry

-b

Been Busy

I have lots of pictures to share with you
Been a very busy few days
Between Purim
Traveling to and from NJ
in less than 24 hours
and of course
Easter
It's been nuts here
all in a good way
but I'm too tired
to download pictures
or share any cute stories
Besides
I must conserve all of my energy
tonight is the season premiere
of The Hills
*sigh*
Doesn't get any better than that

-b

Speaking of Springsteen

Check out this song


In my dream my love was lost, I lived by luck and faith.
I carried you inside of me, and praied it wouldn't be to late.
Now I'm standin' on this empty road, where nothin' moves but the wind...


Back in your arms, back in your arms again..
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.


You said once I was your treasure, and I saw your face in every store
The promises we make at night, oh that's all they are
Unless we fill them with faith and love they're emty as a howlin' wind.
Now darlin' I just wanna be


Back in your arms, back in your arms again..
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.

You came to me with love and kindness, but all my life I've been a prisoner
of my own blindness
I met you with indifference, and I don't know why.

Now I wake from my dream, I wake from my dream to this world.
Where all the shadow and darkness and a dark sky unfurls.
And all the love I've thrown away and lost, honey I'm longing for again.
Now there's nothing that I wouldn't do if I could be

Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms, back in your arms again.
Back in your arms

-b

Dreaming of Someone Lost

You came to me in my dream last night
I could see you, touch you, hear you
your voice was crystal clear
I have missed your voice
had forgotten how deep and strong it was

you sang to me

Like a vision she dances across the porch
as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again

Waking up this morning was hard
I wanted the singing to continue
I wanted you here
I shared my dream with T
he smiled and asked if your voice was
any better than mine

In my dream
it was magical

In my dream
it was magical

-b