World Series

I hate hate hate
that Joe isn't here to see this
not fair not fair not fair

-b

p.s. I left out someone's name in my post a few days back. Thank you a thousand times over to my neighbor Chris. She reads here but never comments. Thank you for coming to the house and picking Jacob up when I was out. Thank you for keeping him overnight while I stayed with Joe at the hospital. Thank you for watching Jacob during the funeral. Thank you for telling me that Joe said "goodbye" to Jacob. I never really believed it, but it meant a lot that you told me that anyways.

No Surgery Needed

Met with a surgeon today
and as it turns out
I don't need surgery!
This is very exciting news indeed

Sorry that I haven't filled you in on the details
trust me, you don't want them
but to stop any rumors from spreading
I do not/did not have an STD
and I am not/was not pregnant

Thanks for your support
as always

-b

Thank You

Maybe it's the World Series that has suddenly got me thinking about Joe so much
but he's back
and so are my memories of the end of his life
I can't help but think about all that he's missed out on
The world series is the least of it
but would have been such a big thing
for Joe to witness

While reflecting on his last days
I realized I never thanked all of my amazing friends
who helped me get through those days
So here is a post dedicated to you
It may be quite lengthy
and I'm sure I will leave out a few of you
But I'll do my best

To my sister:
Thank you for dropping everything in your life and staying with me for weeks at a time. Despite being 6 months pregnant, and incredibly uncomfortable, you came through for me in a way in which I'll never be able to repay. Thank you for lying in bed with me, and crying with me, holding my hand, cleaning my house, playing with Jacob, making me laugh. Thank you for standing with me as we lost Joe.

To my brother:
You are rarely mentioned in this blog. Probably because you don't know it exists. But you are a very important person in my life and in the lives of my kids. Thank you for coming to the hospital at 2am and staying with me until Joe died. Thank you for calling me that night and telling me, through your tears, that you will help me raise my boys. Thank you for fulfilling that promise and for being the best uncle my kids could have.

To Melanie:
Thank you for being a best friend in a way that I never knew a best friend could be. Despite having a newborn baby at home you dropped everything for me. You came to the hospital in the middle of the night, you called a long list of people to let them know that Joe died, you helped me through the days, weeks, and years that followed. I know that I am not as good a friend to you as you are to me. I don't have it in me to be that selfless. But I hope you know that I don't take you for granted. I hope you know how lucky I feel to have you in my life.

To Allison:
Thank you for pitch hitting (Or is it pinch hitting? Now I'm not sure of the right term) for me at school. You stepped right in and took over the job for me. I never once worried about my class once I left. Thank you for talking about Joe with me all the time, and helping me get through the past few years. Thanks for making me laugh every time I see you.

To Jenn:
Thank you for watching Jacob while I was in the hospital with Joe. Thank you for cleaning my house in the days that followed. Thank you for telling me Joe stories when I most need to hear them. Thank you for reminding me of all of his good sides when I'm focusing on the bad. I'm so glad you are back in town. I really missed you last year.

To Nikki:
Thank you for cleaning my house despite being ordered around! Thank you for being a friend I can call when I'm sad, and I know I don't have to speak. I can just say, "I'm sad." (Now I'm actually crying, thinking of how often I used to do this. It's been a while...) You never try to cheer me up, you let me talk or not talk. You let me feel what I need to feel. I really appreciate that. Thank you for sharing your Joe memories with me. Thank you for reminding me that I'm really just a total goof.

To Kristen:
Thank you for always telling me how hot Joe was, and how much you loved him. Thank you for visiting the cemetery on your own. Thank you for being an amazing friend to me in good times and bad. I miss you.

To Owen:
Thank you for taking me to your Cape house the week after Joe died. It was a break that I needed, and I appreciated you flying home for me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for leaving the funniest comments on my blog. Even when we don't speak, I know you're here with me.

To Brett:
Thank you for being Joe's friend. Thank you for visiting him in the hospital, and for being a part of the funeral. I know that you are thinking of him during this series, even without speaking to you. Thank you for thinking of him still. Thank you for all that you did for the boys and I after Joe died. Joe was incredibly proud of you, I'm sure.

There are so many more I should thank. That's the problem with this idea. Some will be left out. I just feel so lucky to have so many great friends. The amazing part is they are all still my friends, and, since Joe died, I have made so many new friends who have helped me along in my journey. That includes all of you readers. Thank you for reading, and letting me write endlessly about myself. I am very lucky indeed.

Go Sox

-b

Engaged

I am not yet engaged
and to be honest
I have no idea when
and if
it will happen
He says it will happen
he talks about our future
he talks about our wedding
but
we are not yet engaged
and it's driving me
CRAZY
I need to relax
yes I know that
yes my friends have all
told me that
but it's hard
do you remember
this feeling?
I remember it
I hated it 11 years ago
and I hate it even more
now
I just want to know that my
future will be with him
although I of all people
know that an engagement does not
secure a future with anyone
PROPOSE ALREADY!
Maybe I should turn off wedding Day on WE

-b

Eh

Haven't felt like blogging this week
Thanks for the concern earlier
I am fine
but need to consult a surgeon
next week
I've been tired
so so very tired
and moody
and anxious
and just kind of icky
next week will be better
right?

-b

Ouch!

I had unexpeted surgery today
It hurt a lot
am home now
enjoying my vicodin
maybe I'll even go take a nap

Thanks Mel for holding my hand while I cried like a baby on the operating table
Thanks Patrick for taking over teaching duties with no warning
Thanks readers for caring

mmmm vicodin

-b

Who Am I?

I am happy, sad, moody, upbeat, full of life, full of despair, optimistic, pessimistic, nervous, confident, skinny, fat, and bloated

I am the nicest person you've ever met, the sneakiest bitch on the block, someone who loves to laugh, someone who cries when a voice is raised at her, someone who raises spirits, someone who pisses others off

I am a widow who misses her husband, I am a girlfriend who is completely in love, I am a mother who dotes on her children, I am a woman who loves being alone

I am a coward, more than I can ever share, I am stronger than I ever knew was possible I get anxious over things I cannot control, I rarely worry about things that I can control

I am a cook who loves to order takeout, I love a clean house, I hate cleaning, I complain about not having enough money, I hire people to do all my dirty work

I am a teacher who loves my job, I am a writer who desperately wants to write full time

I am b

Conversation With Jacob

J: Mommy, I have a friend that I can see, but no one else can.

b: Oh? You have an imaginary friend?

J: Yes, an imaginary friend.

b: What does your friend look like?

J: She has a beard and wears earrings.

b: Interesting!

Yes, my son has a cross gendered imaginary friend. How funny is that?

-b

Pictures From Syracuse
(We had an amazing weekend)

On Satuday morning, T, the boys and I went hiking. Yes, hiking! And until the end, when both boys wanted to be carried, we had an absolutely perfect time. Above is the entrance to our trail. Below are the 3 boys hiking together. Notice the walking sticks.

This was the view at the end of our trail. Pretty, isn't it?

I can't figure out how to turn this picture around. But it's the four of us in the parking lot. Decent picture, if only it wasn't sideways.

On Sunday we drove to an apple festival. On the way there we stopped at a fish hatchery. Strangely enough, the boys loved it, and would have spent the whole day there if given the chance. here they are with T's parents.

Below is a picture of Josh on a pony ride at the apple festival. He held a firm grasp on me the whole time, but by the end he was smiling.

Here are the boys
Tired boys (T's sister is in the background)

a cake T's mom made for dessert

-b

Off For The Weekend

We're heading to Syracuse tonight
We'll be back Monday night
There is no Internet
at T's Parents' house
so I won't be checking in
I'll post again on Tuesday
and I'll take lots of pictures
Have a great weekend!

-b

Red Sox Sadness

Joe loved the Red Sox more than any fan I know. He loved them when they were good, and he loved them when they were bad. He loved going to Fenway Park and watching the games while drinking beer, and he loved watching them on our porch while smoking a cigar.

Jacob was born on our 5 year anniversary. The next day was Father's Day; Joe's one and only Father's Day as a father. He dressed Jacob up on a Red Sox onesie and watched the game together from my hospital bed. It was, by all accounts, a perfect day.

I've always thought that the fact that Joe never lived to see the Red Sox win the World Series was one of the cruelest fates for him. Particularly because they won just a few months after he died. He was so close to seeing them win.

Have I shared my world series story here before? I'm too tired and lazy to check. Sorry if this is a repeat.

Jacob was a little over a year old. He was a champion sleeper (still is, knock on wood). When he was that age, he went to sleep at 6:00 on the dot, and stayed asleep until 6:00 the next morning. I can count on one hand the number of times he woke up during the night.

During the very last inning, of the very last game of the world series, Jacob woke up screaming. I ran into his room, scooped him out of his crib and brought him into bed with Josh and me. As a result, we all watched the Red Sox win the world series together as a family.

And I was convinced then, and am convinced now that Joe woke Jacob up, just as he would have if he had been here. I believe that Joe was watching that final inning with us. Sometimes I even believe that Joe had a little something to do with them winning.

I believe

Go Sox

-b