Taking Some Time Off

I'm finally feeling better after two weeks of back to back illnesses. Two weeks ago it was a nasty stomach bug, then last week it was some nasty head thing. Both kicked my ass severely, and caused me to miss quite a few school events that I was looking forward to. I was able to attend the last day of school party, but wasn't able to party quite as hard as I did last year. It was fun nonetheless.

Now summer has officially begun, and I have an amazing summer planned. The boys will be in day camp from 9-4 every day. I will be working out every morning, and then writing every afternoon. We joined the pool, so after camp we will spend an hour or two at the pool, eat dinner there, and then come home for showers and bed.

I will be taking an essay writing class that I am super excited for, and will hopefully be reading a ton.

That said, I think I may take the summer off from blogging. I just kind of need a break from checking in. Somehow it feels like a burden recently. Maybe it's because I've been so sick. I guess we'll see.

If anything super exciting (I can't imagine what :O) ) happens, I will post, but otherwise I will likely stay away for at least a month.

Enjoy July! I will be back.

love,
b

Last Day of School

It's hard to believe
that yet another year is done
This was a great one
and I'm sad to see it end
but I am so very excited
for summer vacation

Happy Summer!

-b (Sorry for the recent lack of posts. I've been really sick.)

Dear Anonymous from New Haven, CT.,

Who are you? You read my blog regularly, and only make negative comments. You seem to despise me for living my life while still on occasion, missing my late husband.

Do you know me?

Have we met?

Why are you so bitter?

I've always responded to your comments. I dare you to respond to mine.

-b

June 14th

10 years ago tonight
I was anxiously awaiting
walking down the aisle
in the morning
it was raining
and rain always has made me anxious
but I wasn't at all anxious about becoming
a wife
I always felt like
I was meant to be a wife
On the morning of June 14, 1998
I became your wife

5 years ago tonight
I was anxiously awaiting
the birth of my first son
it was raining
and rain always has made me anxious
but I wasn't at all anxious about becoming
a mother
I always felt like
I was meant to be a
mother
On the morning of June 14, 2003
I became your mother

Happy 10th anniversary, Joe
Happy 5th birthday, Jacob

-b

If I Should Fall Behind

Here is the song that was danced to during the ceremony. It was incredibly touching.

A Wedding

My cousin, Jeff got married last night
The wedding was one of the nicest I've been to
Not nice as in fancy
but nice as in genuine
Watching my cousin watching his bride
you could just tell
how much he loved her
They are both dancers
and their first dance was spectacular
with dips, and lifts, and twirls
Two of their friends performed an
interpretive dance during the ceremony
to one of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs
(In fact, we played it at Joe's funeral)
It was really beautiful
and touching
To my cousin Jeff, and his beautiful Bride Tedessa
May you have many happy years together

my brother, his lovely wife, my parents, me, T
at our hotel prior to the wedding

Jeff and Tedessa under the chuppa that Jeff built himself
The wedding kiss

T and me

My sister and me

Dreaming of a Different Life

Every night this week
I have had a recurring dream
In the dream Joe is still alive
but he has been in hiding
for the past four years

He comes out of hiding
and shows up at my doorstep

I have so many mixed emotions
upon seeing him each night

Relief comes first
He's still here!
He can see Jacob graduate from preschool
He can finally meet Joshua

Anger comes next
Where has he been?
Why would he hide like that?
Does he have any idea what he's put me through?

Then along comes worry
Everyone will be so mad when they find out
we've been lying to them
I will owe people money
We'll be shunned

Then I feel conflicted
I want Joe to be alive
but he can't step into my life
the way my life is now

Then I wake up
Every night at the same point
I wake up

It's the crying that wakes me
I'm crying in my dream
and I'm crying in real life

It always takes me a minute to sort out
fact from fiction
to convince myself
that Joe really is dead
he is not hiding
there is no way

And then I feel sad
and empty
and alone

Anyone care to interpret this dream?

-b