Have I Told You What My Sons Want To Be For Halloween?

Fairies. Both of them want to be pink fairies with pink wands.
To top it off, Jacob announced tonight that his new nickname is fairy.

Good god.

Sorry Joe :O)

-b

Why Being A Widow Sucks
(Reason # 277)

I miss my husband
I miss my boyfriend
How can I miss them both at the same time?

I want my husband
I want my boyfriend
How can I want them both at the same time?

I dream about my husband
and I cry

I dream about my boyfriend
and I smile

Some days I wish I could join my husband
Some days I get so excited thinking about a possible future with my boyfriend

I miss my old life
I like my new life

I love two men
and only one is still living

I wonder if this ever gets easier

-b

80's TV

My blog buddy, Nick has requested that all of his readers write a post about 80's tv this week. But first I feel the need to tell you a little bit about Nick. Nick's blog was one of the first blogs that I came across, and was the first one that I ever bookmarked. Nick and I have very little in common. For starters, he's a Bush supporting republican. He's a little bit crass, and I rarely agree with his views of the world. Yet despite all of these differences, I really like him and his wife. He makes me laugh a lot, and has been known to leave me very sweet, supportive comments. He and his wife are expecting their first baby very soon, and I have no doubt that they will be excellent parents. Oh, and he has great taste in music.

Now onto the original topic, 80's tv. Was there ever a better time for tv? I think not. There was definitely never a better time for theme songs.

My favorite television shows fell on Thursday and Saturday nights.

Thursday nights consisted of The Cosby Show, and Family Ties. Saturday night consisted of Different Strokes, Silver Spoons, The Facts of Life, and The Love Boat. I also love Who's the Boss and Growing Pains. I could sing you all of the theme songs from the above shows, but I'll spare you my singing.

I had huge crushes on both Ricky Schroeder, and Kirk Cameron. On Facts of Life, I envied Jo's casual triple ponytail, and Blair's money. I wanted to work in the store in the back of the school.

Am I forgetting any shows? What were your favorites?

-b

Quick Update

I love T
Had an amazing weekend with him
He revived me from my state of crankiness
and he left me little love notes around the house

more later

-b

Ready for this one?

One of my third graders was just suspended.

That pretty much sums up my class.

-b

Cute Story From My Class

We were doing an activity called, "Numbers all around us." It involved writing various numbers that had some meaning to us, and then drawing pictures showing what the numbers represented. I modeled the lesson by writing various numbers on the board, and asking my students to guess what the numbers represented.

One of the numbers was 9 (my shoe size). A child raised his hand, got called on, and guessed, with a serious voice, that the number nine represented the age of my GRANDCHILD!

What's worse is none of my students thought that was a crazy guess! I know I don't look 20 anymore, but come on!

-b

Someday

Someday I'll have a life again
Someday I will smile again
Someday I will breathe again

but for now
life is completely, utterly, hopelessly
overwhelming

Someday I will blog again
please keep checking in

-b

Apple Picking

Years ago, I wrote a poem about Joe's lack of interest in apple picking. It went something like this:

You say that we will go apple picking this year
You always say that we'll go apple picking
We never actually go apple picking
Why would I pay all that money to put apples in a bag myself? You ask
Next year, I will go apple picking without you

Today was our third annual apple picking outing. Mel, Chris, Denise, all the kids, and myself took the usual two cars, and followed each other out into apple country. (Very close to where Leslie lives, btw.)

I'm sure Joe was as entertained as ever as we made our usual slew of funny mistakes.

Thanks ladies, for yet another fun adventure with apples, kids, and friends.

Isn't it a pretty orchard?

Melanie climbed a tree
The boys picked tons of apples

We tried to get a group picture, but no one would cooperate!

-b

Sorry For The Lack of Posts

and for not returning phone calls/emails.

Life is hard right now. No, not with T. Everything is fine there.

But everything else is hard.

School is the hardest it's ever been for me. My class is by far, the most challenging class in my ten years of teaching. By the time I leave school I am literally exhausted to the core. My every bone aches.

But I'm not done. I have had a meeting every day after school this week, and tomorrow I have my graduate class from 7-10.

The boys are equally exhausted when I pick them up, and we bicker like crazy until their bedtime. I have not been proud of my parenting skills this past week at all. But I am so completely done by the time I get home, that I just can't handle doing everything that needs to be done.

And I resent doing this alone. I really hate being a single parent. It just sucks beyond words. No one is here to help me with anything. Nothing is done if I don't do it, and I just am so sick and tired of doing it!

Sorry for the vent. I'm sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself. Like that's gonna help anything.

This year is going to be a tough one...

-b

From Joe's Unveiling Service
read by my sister

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he’s gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he’d want,
SMILE, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE, and GO ON.
-author unknown

Easier said than done.

-b

Some Messages

To Jacob: Please stop crying when I drop you off at school. It is breaking my heart. Especially when you ask, in that tiny voice you have, for just one more hug and kiss. Please try to enjoy school. Make a friend...just one friend is all you need. Know that I am proud of you beyond any words I could tell you.

To Joshua: Why are you so angry with me? Do you think that Jacob and I are off spending our days together? We're not excluding you, I promise. Please look happy to see me when I pick you up at the end of the day. Don't scream when I pick you up. I know that you dislike being away from Jacob all day, but soon you will grow to love your independence. Know that I am proud of you beyond any words I could tell you.

To Brooklyn: Why do you like the taste of poopie diapers so much? It's a disgusting habit that needs to stop. You are cute, but your cuteness can only get you so far in life. I am not feeling so proud of you these days.

To my class: Could we please have 5 minutes of no talking in our room? Could we have 5 minutes of no fighting? How about 5 minutes of no fidgeting? No? How about 2 minutes of any of the above? No? 30 seconds? You'll think about it? Thanks.

To Joe: Do you know how many times I had to fight the urge to call and tell you about the globe article? Still, after all this time, I fight that urge. Man I miss you right now.

To T: Please stick with me. I'm far more scared of losing you more than I'm scared of keeping you.

To my readers: I love all of you. Well not all of you, but most of you :O)

-b

Holy Crap!

We made it to the front page of the Boston Globe!

-b

1st Day of School

We got through it. It was a long, tiring day, but the 1st day of school is always long and tiring. I can't wait until we get into a routine! Until then the kids are basically learning about the classroom, and each other. My class is interesting. That can be good or bad. We'll see which one this is :O)

Jacob seemed to have a pretty good day at school. His teacher said he teared up a few times, but never actually cried. He was very excited to tell me about all that he did today, and it was all very positive. But just now, as I put him to bed (yes, he went to sleep at 6:30) he told me he didn't want to go back tomorrow. He started crying and told me that he missed me too much. Broke my heart. However, he's going to a wonderful preschool, and he'll grow to love it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself!

As an aside, Mel and I will be in The Boston Globe tomorrow. We may even be on the front page! We both started blogs at school last year for parents to read about what's going on each day. A reporter found it and interviewed us. Yesterday and today a photographer came and snapped up lots of pictures. Hopefully we'll come off as somewhat intelligent people!

And I miss T. A lot. Which I think is a very good thing indeed.

-b

p.s. Thanks to all of you who stopped by via Dr. John!

Today is the first day of school for both Jacob and myself!

Wish us luck! We're both gonna need it.

-b

p.s. happy Kel?

Life Can Be Sweet(My famous peanut butter hersey kiss cookies. Recipe to follow)

I went to the wedding of the son of a member of widow group last night. I had only briefly met S's son once, and had never met his bride before. The one word that I would use to sum up what I saw when I looked at this young couple is passionate. They were clearly passionately in love. I'm not sure I've ever seen a couple look so in love, so passionate about one another.

I want to be passionately in love. I'm not sure it's possible anymore. After feeling that way once, and losing that person I felt so passionate about, I'm not sure if my heart will allow me to feel that way again.

I think that I'm in love with Tim. And he says that he's in love with me. But the passion doesn't always feel that strong to me. Does that make sense? Is that a reason to end things? Or is this the best I can do? And I don't mean that in a negative way towards Tim. I think he's amazing. What I mean is, is there someone out there that I would feel more passionate about?

It's scary, this dating thing. And with kids, the stakes are high. I don't want to screw up. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to choose someone solely because they want me. And I'm not sure how to tell if that's what I'm doing.

One of the things I like most about my relationship with Tim is our ability to communicate. Last night he insisted that I share with him what was bothering me. I hemmed and hawed for a while, but finally I admitted the truth. I was worried that there wasn't enough passion. We discussed it for a while, and made a plan to try to change things. He never once got defensive, even when I said some pretty personal things about him. We'll see how it goes.

I do believe he's worth working on things for. He cares for me deeply, and he's great with my kids. He's smart, funny, and nice. He has a huge heart. I feel safe and relaxed with him. But I want to feel shivers go through my spine when I look at him. That couple last night clearly had those shivers. You could see them from across the room.

Time will tell I guess.

Thanks for your support as always. Hope this post made sense. I would appreciate any feedback you can give. Clearly I'm a bit confused.

-b

p.s. last night while Tim was babysitting, Josh told him he needed to use the potty. Tim took him upstairs and Josh pooped on the potty! That's a first for either of my kids.

Chocolate Kiss Peanut Butter Cookies
(we made these together yesterday and had a blast)

2 2/3 C. flour
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C. butter
2/3 C. creamy peanut butter
1 C. sugar
1 C. brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
sugar for rolling cookies
45 chocolate kisses

Sift flour w/ baking soda and salt. In large bowl, beat butter and peanut butter until smooth. Add sugars. Beat until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Stir in flour mixture. Scoop spoonfuls of dough into balls. Roll in sugar. Place on ungreased baking sheets. Use fork to press down. Bake in preheated 375 oven for 8 minutes. Remove from oven, pit 2-3 kisses on each cookie. Bake for additional minute, and remove from oven. Trust me here, even if they don't look done, they are. Enjoy with milk. Life can be sweet.

Last Day of Vacation

Today was our official last day of vacation. Monday is a holiday, so everyone has off, Tuesday is back to school for teachers, and Wednesday is the first day of school for both Jacob and myself.

We had a wonderful day, just the three of us. Perhaps my favorite day of the summer. We didn't fight, there were no tantrums, and we just enjoyed the day.

Here's what we did:

Woke up, had breakfast, took baths and showers

Took Brooklyn on a walk to Mel's house to say goodbye (They went camping for the weekend)

Took a drive to an orchard where we picked blueberries!

Fed the farm animals

Drove to Bertuccis for lunch

Went to photography studio where the boys had professional pictures taken

Drove home

Watched the ice cream truck drive by as we pulled into the driveway. Honked the horn, but the driver didn't hear us. We then camped out on our front walkway in hopes that it would return.

Played in the backyard for an hour

Had dinner

Walked to ice cream store for ice cream cones

Pajamas, stories, bed

I'm beat. But it was a great day. Pictures below as always!

-b

(boys picking blueberries)

(Waiting in vain for ice cream truck)(My favorite of all the pics we got today. It's a picture of a picture, so it has that sun spot on it. But I think you can still tell how great it is. Not that I'm biased or anything!)

Some things about T
(because I know you want to know!)

He is a biochemist

He is also a volunteer firefighter

He is funny

He is sweet

He is extremely smart (see biochemist above)

He is maybe the most honest person I know

He makes me smile every day

His name has only 3 letters

-b

To Joe's Friends

When Joe died
you all told me that you'd be here
any time
anything I needed

And that was true
for a few months

and then
you disappeared

poof

It's like we no longer existed
you no longer remembered us

What happened?
Was it too painful to see us?
Did we remind you of Joe?

Or did we remind you
of your own mortality?

I wish you'd check in
just say hello
ask how we're doing
tell me a Joe story
see my boys

something

anything

Tonight I had dinner with
Joe's best friend
the one friend who has kept his word
he does check in on me
he still shows that he cares

he told me that he has Joe's picture
in his living room
that made me smile

Please
check in
just tell me that you still think of Joe
that he hasn't been forgotten
that we haven't been forgotten

I miss you guys
I really do

-b

To Nick:

Your new blog won't let me leave a comment! I've been trying for 2 days.

-b

Classroom pictures

Here is my classroom a week before school starts:

-b