Conversation With T on Tuesday Morning During Breakfast
(Montreal has amazing food, btw)

T: What's wrong?
B: Nothing. (sulking. anyone who knows me knows that I can't hide my feelings for a second.)
T: Clearly something is wrong. May as well tell me.
B: No. It will only get me in trouble.
T: Just spill it.
B: I just....I just had an expectation for this week, and I'm realizing that it's not going to happen, and I'm feeling sad.
T: What were you expecting?
B: What do you think I was expecting?
T: I don't know. A ring?
B: Yep.
T: I'm sorry. I hate that you're disappointed.
B: Well, I'm not going to be the only disappointed one. EVERYONE thought we would get engaged this week.
T: Everyone?
B: Yes, everyone.
T: Who exactly, is everyone?
B: My family, my friends, my coworkers, my widow group, my blog readers...
T: Your blog readers?
B: Yes, my blog readers. They thought you would propose this week too.
T: And you know this because...
B: They are smart! And any smart person with a brain knew that this was the week you were supposed to propose! And now I have to go back and tell everyone that you didn't, and I feel so stupid.
T: Would it help if I told you that there is a plan?
B: (sniffing) Is there a plan?
T: Yes. It doesn't involve Montreal, but there is a plan, and there has been for a while.
B: OK, that helps.
T: Be sure to pass that on to everyone, so no one else is disappointed.
B: OK. It will help, but they're all still gonna be mad at you, you know.
T: I can't win, can I?
B: Not until you propose. Then you will win.

-b

p.s. the rest of the week was amazing. Many things to share, but guess who stayed at our hotel? The Boston Bruins! Sadly they lost, and Montreal went nuts, but they stayed in our hotel! I evn got pictures taken with them. Unfortunately, I couldn't identify a single one, but it was cool nonetheless.

Journeys

sleeping late in a king size downy bed
sipping lattes while reading my book
eating croissants, steak frites, and fresh baguettes
lingering at museums for as long as we please
late dinners at candlelit restaurants
walking the streets while looking for nothing
horse drawn carriage rides through historic streets
long soaks in a deep tub, showers made for two
sleeping in my lover's arms
with no worry of being awoken by children or dogs

I will be doing all of the above for the next week
I will post back on Friday
have a great week

-b

Brooklyn Update

I just visited her at the hospital
she looks good
they are seeing if they can get the object
to pass on its own
if not gone by tomorrow
she will need surgery
please please please
let it pass on its own
thanks for your well wishes

-b

p.s. T turned 30 today! Despite everything going on, the boys and I baked a cake. We also gave him a wii. T and I will celebrate properly this weekend. Happy 30th T! Welcome to a fabulous decade.

Meeting The Principal

On the advice of Jacob's preschool teachers, I am meeting with his soon to be principal this Wednesday afternoon. I just wanted to tell her a bit of Jacob's background, and explain to her that he's very quiet and shy, and that he can easily get lost in a crowd. I also plan on telling her about his slight obsession with death, and his sensitivity towards certain subjects.

When I told T that I made an appointment, he immediately asked for the time and location.

"Oh, you want to come with me?" I asked.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be there?"

I had mixed feelings about him coming with me, and I explained them to Mel later that day.

While I am thrilled that T is taking such an interest in Jacob's future. And I am thrilled that he sees himself in the role of Jacob's step-father, I am going in as a widow, and am planning on talking about how the loss of his father has shaped Jacob's personality in some ways. How will it look if I'm there with my boyfriend? Won't that negate everything?

Mel reminded me that no, that doesn't change anything. Jacob's father still died at the age of 31. Jacob's father still died when Jacob was only 10 months old. Jacob's loss is still Jacob's loss, despite the fact that T is now a part of his life. If anything, the principal will be happy to see that Jacob's mom has a supportive boyfriend who cares about Jacob's school experience as much as she does.

And she is right, of course. T belongs at this meeting, and Jacob deserves to have a meeting about him.

-b

I'm In Love

Tonight at widow group I announced that I was in love. Of course they all knew that I love T, but I think it was the first time that I proclaimed "I am in love." It's a hard thing to admit, and I felt guilty admitting it for some reason. Everyone else is still so in love with their late husbands and while I will always have a special place in my heart for Joe, I am in love with someone new. It feels in some ways like I'm cheating, even though rationally I know I'm not.

When you look at me these days, I think you can see a glow that I haven't had in years. I feel good about myself (I'm down 28 pounds), I love my job again, my kids are doing really well, and I have a man in my life who makes me feel like I am special.

He also makes me feel like my kids are special to him. Tomorrow night is curriculum night at J & J's preschool. I told T that I would be out tonight for widow group and tomorrow night for curriculum night. I asked him if I should get a sitter for one of the two nights so that he could do his own thing. He told me to get a sitter for tomorrow night because he wants to go to curriculum night with me. HE WANTS TO GO TO CURRICULUM NIGHT!

How could I not be in love?

-b

Guess Who's Coming For a Weekend Visit?

T's Parents!
They arrive tomorrow afternoon
They leave Sunday afternoon
They are staying in our house
Oh boy!

Oh, and we're all (no kids) haveing dinner at my parents' house Saturday night
That should be interesting
Wish me luck!

-b

The Card

The card went over well
it was one of those
"Like a father" cards

You know,
thanks for being
"like a father to me"

and I asked j&J
what they liked most about T
and wrote down their answers
(pretty funny ones)

I had the card sitting on T's pillow when he came in the
room from taking a shower

He read it
and I said
"Happy Like A Father's Day!"

He responded,
"we need to remedy the like part"

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day

Last year on Father's Day
T and I had a bad date
It wasn't a deal breaking disaster
obviously
but it was bad
and awkward and frustrating
all mixed in as one

This year on Father's Day
the moving truck
will be bringing all of
T's belongings
and we will have a
celebratory dinner

I even went against a
poll I took
on another website
and I bought t
a card
it won't scare him away

-b

Painting With T

priming
painting
singing
laughing
talking
sharing
dancing
joking
resting
eating
planning


Mason Jennings
playing over the speakers
"Be here now"

There really is
no other place
I'd rather be

-b

Talk About Timing

Have I told you that a few weeks ago T accepted a new job nearby?
This job won't involve any travelling
which we have both had some mixed feelings about

But it's for an amazing company
that is always written up
as one of the top ten companies
to work for around here

and it's a great position
and he will be here
a lot more

Well, he gave his notice two weeks ago
and guess what he found out today?

In two weeks he was going to be laid off
along with everyone else!

How's that for amazing timing?

-b

Memorial Day

Tonight during dinner
I told T
that this was my favorite
Memorial Day weekend ever
"Ever?" he asked
"Ever," I responded

and then I felt sick
to my stomach

How could I have forgotten
Memorial Day Weekend
10 years ago?

That was the weekend that
Joe proposed to me
he got down on one knee
on the swan boats
in Boston

He pulled out a ring
that was perfect in my mind
he asked me to be his wife
and I was happy
I was beyond happy

We celebrated by walking over to
Fenway Park
and telling the man at the gate
that we just got engaged
he let us in to the game for free

The next day I graduated from college
and I got to show off my ring
to all my classmates

How could I say that this weekend was better than that?
What is wrong with me that I could forget
such an important weekend?

What is wrong with me that I would rather redo
this weekend
and not that weekend?

I'm so screwed up....

Reason # ____ That I Love T

I hurt my neck last night. I'm not sure if I slept on it wrong, or what. But I can barely move it today. It hurts big time. T found me outside with the boys tonight looking like I was in a lot of pain. He rubbed my neck, and I couldn't even thank him.

"Go upstairs," he ordered.
"huh?"
"Go upstairs, take a bath, and lie down."
"But the boys.."
"I'll play with the boys. I'll get them changed. I'll get them to bed. You go lie down."
"But..."
"Do it woman!"

I'm crying as I type this. I'm so lucky. I'm so in love. Or maybe it's the vicodin I took. Either way, T is pretty cool.

-b

1st Anniversary

One year ago tonight
I was coming out of a deep
month-long depression

I had a date set up
but I didn't want to go

Patrick came over to babysit
I told him I just wanted to stay
home with him

He kicked me out
of my own house

I drove to a neutral meeting spot
and waited anxiously
for you to arrive

We sat for hours
talking
It was so easy
and you made me
laugh

It had been so long since
I had laughed

A year has gone by

and not one day in that
year
has passed
without me thanking
my lucky stars

that you came into
my life

Happy Anniversary, T

love,
b

Missing You

"I miss you T," I said to T tonight.

"How can you miss me? I'm right here."

"But I don't feel like you're here. And I miss you."

"You're so strange, B."

"I know. That's why you love me."

"You keep telling yourself that."

-b

Sinking

It's that time of year again. If you've been reading for a while, or you know me personally, you know that this is the time of year that hits me hardest. This is the lead up to the anniversary of Joe's hospitalization, and subsequent death. Last year at this time I was a disaster. This year? Not much better.

I thought that having T around might make things different, and they did a bit. But now he's gone away for the next week, and I'm a bit sick, and all of the unfinished businesses with grad school, and preschool, and regular school are taking their toll on me. I was actually kind of looking forward to T going away, so I could have freedom to be depressed. But now I just want him back.

To top it all off, we were supposed to go to NYC this week. I still haven't seen baby Sophia yet. But I'm too sick to go, and so I'm stuck here alone and depressed.

I hate this time of year.

I'm sinking. Again.

-b

How I know That T will be an Amazing Father

The day before Easter T went out and bought everything we'd need to dye Easter eggs. Unfortunately, when it came to the eggs themselves, he picked out brown ones. The boys couldn't have cared less, as this was the first time they'd ever dyed eggs, and they didn't know what they should look like.

The had a great time dunking, and re dunking the eggs into the various color dyes, and exclaiming how beautiful they were. Meanwhile, T kept muttering, "Why did I buy brown eggs?"

Saturday night T and I went out on a date. On the way home T pulled into the grocery store and told me to wait in the car. He was back in a flash with a mischievous look, and a bag full of white eggs. Yep, you guessed it, we were going to dye new eggs.

And so it was, at midnight, Easter eve (is that a term?) T and I were sitting at the dining room table dying eggs. All because T wanted them to wake up to bright colorful eggs that they would think they dyed.

That's T.

-b

first batch

2nd batch

egg hunting

Yours, Mine, Ours, & His?

T spent the day at home today while I was at work. he decided to use his day off to clean/organize the kitchen. When I got home I was pleased to see the results of his labor. The kitchen was rearranged in ways that made sense, the clutter was gone, the counters shined.

"You know what I noticed as I was cleaning?" T asked me while we sipping our after work cappuccinos.

"What?" I innocently replied.

"Joe is everywhere."

"Hmm?"

"Joe is everywhere."

"What do you mean? Give me examples."

T then pointed out at least 15 places in my kitchen that represented Joe. He was in a photograph with his arm around me, on the refrigerator. He was the giant ash tray from Cuba sitting on the window sill. He was the empty beer cans that were sitting in the cabinet over the stove. (Yes, Joe's empties.) He was the trinkets on the other windowsill. He was the cigar boxes that are being used to hold matches. I could go on, but you get the point.

T told me that he's fine having Joe around, he understands that he was/is a big part of my life, and the father of the the boys. But having him everywhere is a bit weird.

I finished drinking my cappuccino, loaded up a basket of laundry, to bring down to the basement. Before I headed to the stairs I loaded up a bit of Joe. I won't pack up all of Joe. T wouldn't want me to, nor would I feel comfortable doing so. But I want T to feel like my home is his home. And three's a crowd. So the picture, the ash tray, and the humidification unit are now resting downstairs in the basement. It's time for Joe to find a new place in our home.

-b

It's official

T is moving in at the end of June

OMG!

-b

Reason # Gazillion That T Is Great

I got home from an appointment today around 6:00. T had made the boys a delicious dinner that Joshua immediately began eating. Jacob however, said that he was too tired to eat, and that he wanted to go to bed. We reminded him that if he didn't eat dinner, he wouldn't get dessert, and he said he didn't care. It's always a red flag when Jacob doesn't want dessert.

Jacob then complained that his head hurt, and asked if he could please go to bed. I took him upstairs, and he didn't even want to change into pajamas. He went right to sleep. I came downstairs and found Joshua done with his dinner, and asking if he could go to sleep.

So at 6:10, we had both boys asleep! I went ahead and made us dinner, and we sat down to eat. Suddenly we heard some crying. T said he would go investigate. He called me within a few minutes. Poor Jacob had thrown up everywhere! T cleaned Jacob off, then stripped and changed the sheets while I got Jacob changed.

We tucked Jacob back into bed, and I told T that I'd better call in sick for work tomorrow. He responded, "Why? I have tomorrow off!"
"You really want to spend your day off with my sick kid?" I said looking at him in disbelief.
"Yes," was his reply.

He's the best. Really and truly. I am incredibly lucky. To not have to worry about taking off yet another day from school is huge. Plus, he's willing to hang out all day with a pukey kid. Now I need to go get the puke smelling clothes off my body. Night!

-b

Picture Post

It's been a while since I've posted any pictures. I don't have any of baby Sophia yet, so you'll have to deal with looking at my kids again. Sorry!

I like to call this one:
Playing with balls

(Could they be having any more fun?)

This one I call:
The Purim Guy

Jacob has been obsessed with Easter recently. Why? Because of the candy in Walgreens. He goes to a Jewish preschool, and has been learning about the holiday, Purim. He has been asking me for weeks, "After Purim, Easter?" Well, Sunday night, while the boys were eating dinner, the doorbell rang. It was a delivery from our temple. A care package for Purim, filled with candy. Guess what Jacob's new favorite holiday is? And he keeps saying, "That was sooo nice of the Purim Guy!"

This picture is called:
lovenotes from T

I know, you can't read it. I tried to take a picture that you could see, but I can't figure out how. T was here since last Thursday, but had to leave today for NY for business. When I walked in the back door, I could see a note hanging on the fridge for me. It says:
I'm always a bit reluctant
to leave, but I console myself
by saying I'll be back
See you in 2 days!
Talk with you tonight
love,
T

How great is he?

-b