A Picture

Some of you have asked for a picture
I am now 22 pounds down
I still have 38 to go
but somehow
that doesn't
feel
as
overwhelming
as
60 did

Here is me yesterday:

-b

Making Working Out Work Out

This summer I have been working out on average 90 minutes per day. I do this at the gym where the boys go to preschool/camp. It's so convenient. I drop the boys off, work out, come home and shower, continue with my day, and pick the boys up.

But I hate the picking up part. While the preschool/gym is close to my work, it is not close to my home. Driving there twice a day is annoying because there's always traffic, and my car goes through gas like there's no tomorrow.

So I've been stressing out about how I'm going to continue working out once school resumes in less than three weeks. (Say it isn't so!) I won't have time to work out before school, and I feel guilty putting the boys in babysitting when I pick them up. They will have been in school from 7:45-3:45, and I just don't think that's fair.

So I was planning on bringing the boys home, playing with them, feeding them, bathing them, and putting them to bed. Then I was going to head back to the gym to work out.

But I know myself. I know that I won't want to drive all the way back to the gym. And there lay my dilemma. How do I continue working out daily once school resumes?

My solution? Join a second gym down the street. A gym that is less than a three minute drive. A gym that offers spinning (my new obsession) every night. A gym that allows me to pay monthly and cancel at any time if it's not working out. A gym that gives me a 20% discount because of my health insurance.

BTW, I have to belong at the first gym in order for the boys to go to preschool there. I know, it's crazy. Hopefully my solution is not crazy.

-b

Tired

This was an exhausting weekend
filled with high highs
and low lows
the latest low was bringing
Josh to the ER tonight
He's fine
but it came after a different low
another parent from our school
died

The highs were
great birthday parties
and an amazing date with T
I think it was my favorite date yet

A low was when Joshua knocked over 6 glass
half gallons of milk
onto the kitchen floor
flooding it with milk
and glass

A high was discovering
that I have lost
20 pounds!

A low was arguing
with a friend

It's been quite the weekend
and I am tired
Goodnight

-b

You Guys Are So Smart

So Jacob is NOT having an MRI
He IS having a sleep deprived EEG
Just like you said he should have
You are smart!

Now I have to figure out how to deprive him
of half his normal night's sleep
and keep him awake until his 12:30 appt

-b

Jacob

"Mama look! I'm ready to go camping!"
"um, ok."

"And Brooklyn is ready too."

-b

Avoiding Temptations




This afternoon
we attended a birthday party
(One of 10 this summer I must add)
that was full of temptations
Pizza, Caesar salad, and ice cream cake
three of my favorite foods
I looked at each one
and firmly told myself
"That is not my food"
I did eat two servings of
fruit salad
It was worth it
I'm down 18 pounds

-b

p.s. the picture is centered when I'm posting, but then shows up on the side. Any idea why? This happened with my spinning post too.

Jacob Update

The EKG showed his heart was fine
after consulting neurologists, however
his pediatrician wants him to have
an MRI to look at his brain
My sister is worried that
the process will be scarier
than it's worth
anyone been through this?
Are children's MRI's the same
as adult MRI's?

Any feedback would be much appreciated

-b

Bridge Collapse

Since becoming a widow, I react to tragedies such as the Minneapolis bridge collapse in a different way than I would have before. I feel such a sense of empathy for those husbands and wives who will never see their partners alive again. I picture the children who will never again be tucked in by their mom or dad. I can feel in my heart, and in my gut, the anxiety of those waiting to hear if their loved one made it.

I also have a different reaction to those that survived. Watching tv this morning while on the elliptical machine, I began to sob. In public I was sobbing, and I didn't care. I was watching the survivors sharing their incredible survival stories, and their stories of being reunited with their families. And I was beyond happy for them, I really was. But I also felt for those newly widows and widowers. I know that they must be wondering why their spouses weren't spared. And I started wondering why certain people die, and others survive.

None of it seems fair. None of it.

-b

The Object of My Affection

You all know how much I love T
You know that he makes me happier than
I ever thought possible
and that
I hope to spend my life with him

but
I have another object of affection
and his name
is Loweded Wookie

Don't be thrown off
by the fact that
he shows his finger up his nose
on his blog

Don't be thrown off
by the fact
that he'd prefer to live
without electricity
and running water

He's actually one of the most
sensitive guys
on the face of the planet
He even sent me
a birthday ecard
last year on my birthday
when I was stood up by NB

He also started Gulliver's Travels
the little bear that's travelling
around the world
trying to make people happy

He started a new blog
and you can find it here
tell him b sent you

-b

Spinning


The secret to my success
(if you can call it that)

I still have a long way to go
about 50 more pounds
but I have gotten off to
a pretty good start
down 17 pounds today

How am I doing it?
I'm eating less
a lot less
and I'm working out more
a lot more

that's it

Today I added a spinning class
to my regime
It was hard
I sweat like I've never sweat before

We supposedly biked for 21 miles
and my butt is super sore
but I loved it
I could feel the weight coming off
and it made me spin harder

can't wait to do it again

-b

EKG Update

I don't have one
The hospital messed up
and forgot to send off
Jacob's EKG
So it has not yet
been read
I'll let you know
when I know

-b

EKG

Do you remember back in January when Jacob passed out?
Well, it happened again two weeks ago. He was eating a Popsicle and complained that it was too cold. I told him to spit it out, but before he could, he passed out and fell off his chair. I picked him up and he let out this guttural sound. I started to call 911, but before I could finish, he had come to. I called his pedi instead, who calmed me down and told me that this happens to some kids. Just to be safe, he is having an ekg today. I will let you know how it goes.

On another note, I've lost 16 pounds!

-b

I Want To Die

No, not me. I have no desire to die. I'm loving life, in fact. Except for this past week when I was pretty sick. I may have had the flu, but if not I had something similar. Fever, chills, achy bones. I think those symptoms led me to take the blog break that I took. Tonight I was walking Brooklyn on m y nightly walk, and had a realization that I was finally feeling better. You know how when you're sick you forget what it feels like to feel well? Is it just me that that happens to? When I'm feeling my worst, I literally can't remember what it feels like to feel well. Anyways, tonight I was walking and realized that I felt well again. And I was so happy. And I thought about the blog, and realized that I have a ton to say!

So back to the title. Jacob has been talking about death lately. In fact he tells me on a daily basis that he wants to die. Why? Because he wants to be with daddy. Of course at four, he has no idea that death is permanent, and I am not worried about him hurting himself. All he knows is daddy is dead, and he wants to see daddy. Therefore, he wants to die.

This makes for a daily heartbreaking talk. At this point I think Jacob says it because he likes the attention he gets for saying it. But I don't ever want to be dismissive of it, ya know? I tell him that when you die you never come back, so he's not allowed to die until he's very very old. I also tell him that daddy is with him in everything he does, even though he can't physically see him.

Any other suggestions?

Taking a Break

I'm not sure how long
I'll be gone for
but I need to take a break
from blogging

While I'm having
a great summer
I don't feel like
I have anything of interest
to share

Does anyone care
that I've lost another 2 pounds?
Because that's all I've got
for you

I am sure that when school
starts up again
I will have plenty to share

But for now
I'm going to say
goodbye

I'll be back
I promise
So please check in
every now and then

Who knows?
Maybe I'll be back next week
all inspired

If T should decide
to propose
this summer
I will be sure to
post it here

I hope you all know
how much you
mean to me

Until later

With love

b

Dear Joshua,

Today you are three years old! How is that even possible? You are a child like no other. You are incredibly funny, with a sense of humor far beyond your age. You love to play with your brother and friends. You love watching construction sites, and think that the school being built down the street is your construction site. You can (and do) name every type of truck you see while we are driving, and you expect (demand) praise for noticing them.

Joshie, you have had a hard time controlling your emotions lately. You have temper tantrums beyond what I have ever experienced with tantrums. Sometimes they last for an entire hour! Hopefully you will find a new way to express your frustrations soon.

You are an amazing snuggler. You love to lie with me and have me sing to you. You have yet to learn that I can't carry a tune. You love to sing as well. You turn regular conversations into songs all the time, and sing at any given opportunity. Today, for example, you sang to the tune of Frere Jaque (No idea how to spell it), "I don't like mommy, I don't like mommy, no I don't, no I don't."

You are a fabulous eater. You eat almost anything presented to you, and you still want more. You love fruit more than sweets, and choose yogurt over chocolate. Clearly, I have no influence over you!

Josh, you bring such joy to everyone who meets you. You are a singer, a dancer, a dump truck driver, a friend, a comic, a snuggler, a dog walker, a climber, a bike rider, a puzzle solver, a smiler, an amazing little boy.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Joshua!

love,
Mommy

Life

This summer is moving too quickly
I'm loving it
More than you can imagine

I've lost 8 pounds
according to weight watchers
but 10 pounds
according to my scale

My days are relaxing
but I'm working out hard

Life with T
is mostly good
We are both adjusting to
so much together time

The boys are loving camp
but not loving
swimming lessons

My sister spent the weekend here
and will be back on Friday
for another weekend

Next Wednesday
will be spent at Owen's pool
Anyone want to join me?

-b

Ingredients for a Perfect Pirate Party

1 amazing birthday cake
2 types of of delicious barbecued food and 6 side dishes

1 pool borrowed from Chris (Thanks Chris!) big enough for all the kids, with a pirate plank attached to it.

2 cute pirates (only one is pictured here)

1 adorable niece held by my sister1 sleeping nephew
9 types of alcohol


1 amazing friend who is willing to dress like, speak like, and act like a pirate all day long to the delight of all the party goers

This was quite the party. A huge thank you to all who came and all who helped plan and execute.

-b

Advice Needed

J & J are having their birthday party this weekend. The party has a pirate theme. It's going to be great because I have an amazing birthday party planner (mel!) There are going to be lots of pirate activities including a treasure hunt.

As you know, the boys started camp last week. They have both made some new friends and Jacob has become very good friends with a little girl. He keeps asking me to invite this little girl to the party, and I'm all for it.

But there is one problem.

This little girl has something wrong with her eye. She wears an eye patch over it.

Will it be an insult to invite her to a pirate party where we are giving out pretend eye patches? Or will she be excited to see everyone else wearing one too? And do I tell her mom in advance, or let her find out upon arrival?

See my dilemma? Thoughts? Opinions? Is anyone still here?

-b

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JRowe!

Writing

My writing group officially ended last Wednesday, but we all enjoyed it so much, we are going to continue meeting on our own at our homes. I'm so happy about this because I have loved writing group! This is also giving me a chance to keep working on my story while gaining valuable feedback. One suggestion my group had for me was to write all in the present tense instead of the past tense. So I am trying that, but am finding that there is a ridiculous amount of dialogue involved, and am not so sure how exciting dialogue is to read. So we'll see.

That's all I've got for now. Dinner went well. Everyone got along. I stuck to my diet. Life is still good.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

love,
b

Quick Update

We're having a great visit with T's parents. It's been fun, and the boys have been thrilled with all the attention they've been receiving.

I've lost 7 pounds since last Monday! Holy crap! I've been doing weight watchers, and working out with a personal trainer. It feels so good to see those numbers dropping each day, and I have the motivation that I need to keep it up.

Life is good....

-b

Guess Who's Coming For a Weekend Visit?

T's Parents!
They arrive tomorrow afternoon
They leave Sunday afternoon
They are staying in our house
Oh boy!

Oh, and we're all (no kids) haveing dinner at my parents' house Saturday night
That should be interesting
Wish me luck!

-b

Gotta Love Jacob

Scene: kitchen floor, everyone is putting on shoes for the day.

Jacob:Mommy, why are you putting on sneakers?

me: Because I'm going to the gym.

J: Why are you going to the gym?

me: Because I want to get in shape.

J: (lips quivering, tears rolling) But Momma, what shape will you be?

-b

Ugh

Were you getting sick of all my happy posts? Well then, you're in luck. After a really great weekend, including eating freshly caught by T lobsters for dinner last night (he has a lobster license), I decided to step on the scale this morning.

My first personal training workout is this morning, and I'm starting weight watchers this week, so I thought it was time to see for myself how fat I really am.

I am not going to share with you what I weigh. But I will tell you that I weigh more than I did 9 months pregnant. Ugh. How did I let this happen? I feel like I have so much to lose it's almost not worth trying. Ugh.

-b

Vacation So Far....

Yesterday we had a great visit from my friend Nikki, and her two daughters. We had a mock birthday party for the boys since they (along with everyone) will be away when the real party occurs. They even brought cupcakes for dessert. When it was time to light the candles and sing happy birthday, Josh asked "What about party hats?" So they made party hats.

Today we went to a strawberry festival with a group of friends. It felt like apple picking weather. It was just perfect. Here are some pictures:

Tonight is Girls Night Out in honor of JRowe's return to the Boston area. I volunteered to be the driver so that I won't have a repeat of the other night! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

-b

Summer Vacation Has Officially Begun!

and I'm already hungover
this is not a good start..

-b

edited for clarification: It was a perfect way to end the school year. Our school knows how to throw a party like no other. But perhaps I should not have had 8 shots? Or maybe cut back on the 4 margaritas? Because it is hard to be productive today, and I had many goals that are not getting met. But it was a fun party.

With Summer Here, How Shall I spend My Time?

With school ending tomorrow at 12:05 pm, you may be wondering what my summer plans are. Be prepared to be jealous. Yes, you just might actually feel a twang of jealousy when you read what I have in store for myself.

The boys are going to be attending day camp. I know, I know, they are a little young for day camp. But It's part of their preschool. It's cheaper for me to send them to the year round program, instead of the school year program. So since I'm paying for them to go during the summer, they will be going during the summer.

They will be gone from 8-4 Monday-Friday. I know. You're feeling a little jealous, aren't you? Now before you accuse me of being a bad mom, the boys are going to love camp. They have swimming lessons every day, nature, music, art, etc. They will be with friends, and will be getting exercise. It's good for them.

As for me, I am beyond excited to have 8 weeks of days to myself. The preschool is at a local JCC, so after I drop the boys off, I am going to work out at the gym. I've even scheduled 4 personal training sessions to get me started. (The 4 sessions are free)

Once I get home from the gym, I will shower, straighten up the house, and write. I will hopefully get in an hour or two of writing a day.

After I pick the boys up, we'll play with our neighborhood friends, takes baths, have dinner, and take our nightly walk with the dog.

This is my plan. I know. You're jealous. It's OK. :O)

-b

I made it...

This was the most challenging school year of my 10 year career. These kids tested me every chance they got. They questioned my every direction, and interrupted my every word. Some students chose to speak only in bird, or cat. Some refused to budge from fetal position on the rug. Some took up belching as a pastime.

This class made me cry almost nightly in frustration for the first 5 months of school. They frustrated me to the point of feeling like quitting. They made me turn into a teacher who yells, and threatens.

Why is it then, that I am tearing up thinking of saying goodbye to this crew? Strangely enough, I have grown to love them. Even stranger, I will actually miss them. All of them. Even "bird girl."

Go figure.

-b

The Card

The card went over well
it was one of those
"Like a father" cards

You know,
thanks for being
"like a father to me"

and I asked j&J
what they liked most about T
and wrote down their answers
(pretty funny ones)

I had the card sitting on T's pillow when he came in the
room from taking a shower

He read it
and I said
"Happy Like A Father's Day!"

He responded,
"we need to remedy the like part"

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day

Last year on Father's Day
T and I had a bad date
It wasn't a deal breaking disaster
obviously
but it was bad
and awkward and frustrating
all mixed in as one

This year on Father's Day
the moving truck
will be bringing all of
T's belongings
and we will have a
celebratory dinner

I even went against a
poll I took
on another website
and I bought t
a card
it won't scare him away

-b

Dear Jacob,

Tomorrow you will be four years old! Your short life has been so full of chaos and sadness, and for that I am so sorry. Despite all that you've been through in your short life, you have turned into a wonderful person.

Jacob, you have an amazing sense of humor. You crack yourself up all day long, and you crack Joshua and me up too. You have a smile that can light up a room, and a pout that makes me give in way too often.

You ask me questions that I have no idea how to answer. Two weeks ago you asked me, in a serious voice, "Where exactly IS Humpty Dumpty's wall?" You ask me questions about nature and weather all the time, and are curious about everything you come into contact with.

You are such a great brother. Today you received two birthday cards in the mail, and you gave one to Josh to open, because "That is fair." You love to do everything with your little brother, and are his best friend. I love watching you teach him things you have learned, and watching you cheering him on.

This year was your first year being separated from Josh, and it was hard for you at first. You used to cry every day when I dropped you off for school. Not a sobbing cry, but the silent cry with tears rolling down your face, and a quivering lip. I hated leaving you, and would cry myself as I drove to work, but I knew that it was the best thing for you. You have become an independent thinker this year. You have grown to love school, made many friends, and tried so many things.

You are a baseball player, a dancer, a singer, a joke teller, a reader, a writer, an artist, a storyteller, a snuggler, a student, a teacher, a magician, a friend.

You, Jacob, are a remarkable little boy, and I am so proud to be your mother.

Happy Birthday. May this year be your best year yet.

Love,
Mom

Painting With T

priming
painting
singing
laughing
talking
sharing
dancing
joking
resting
eating
planning


Mason Jennings
playing over the speakers
"Be here now"

There really is
no other place
I'd rather be

-b

Busy!

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been busier than ever, and haven't been on the computer for days! (*Gasp!*) What have I been doing? Well, for one, I've been trying to spend quality time at night with T, sans computer. Being a computer addict, this is a hard task. But last night I sat down and watched an entire movie without checking my email, or this bog, or a website that I spend way too much time on.

It helped that the movie was in Spanish, and so I had to read the subtitles to know what was going on. (It always amazes me how much prettier other languages sound. English sounds so crass, and Spanish was just so beautiful to listen to.) It also helped that the movie was beyond amazing. It was called, "Pan's Labyrinths," and if you haven't seen it, you must! It made my top ten list. JRowe, and MK, you two in particular would love it, I think.

We've also been painting the basement. T moves in next weekend, and all of his stuff is going down there. We're making it into a guest suite, which will be nice when either of our families come to visit. It's been a while since I painted, and I'm not very good at it, but we've been having a ton of fun working on it together. Last night T told me that while he was painting he was thinking about how lucky he was to have me in his life. I asked him why, and he gave me about 7 reasons, one of which was that we work so well together. And it's true. We are are a really good team.

I've also been working on my memoir. I got some amazing feedback from my writer's group. I can't wait to go back on Wednesday. I have something school related every night this week, plus Jacob turns four on Thursday.

I'll try to post when I get a chance. But it may be a few days. Miss you all!

-b

Talk About Timing

Have I told you that a few weeks ago T accepted a new job nearby?
This job won't involve any travelling
which we have both had some mixed feelings about

But it's for an amazing company
that is always written up
as one of the top ten companies
to work for around here

and it's a great position
and he will be here
a lot more

Well, he gave his notice two weeks ago
and guess what he found out today?

In two weeks he was going to be laid off
along with everyone else!

How's that for amazing timing?

-b

Quick Update

Tonight was amazing
better than I could
have hoped for

Thanks for all your support!

-b

Anxious

I am anxious
as in
feel like I'm going to puke
anxious

Is it the workshop
that starts tomorrow
that I really want to back out of
but won't because Melanie will kick my butt?

It could be
I've seen the writing the other writers
are working on
mine is inferior
by far

I'm not saying that so you can tell
me how great my writing is
I'm saying that because it's true
my writing looks like
whining by a five year old
don't deny it

Am I anxious because
it's the end of the school year
and there are about
one million things that
I need to get done
in the next ten days?

It could be
I never handle the end of the year
very well

Am I anxious because
T is moving in
and he's talking about all
of the changes we're going to
make to the house
and it's freaking me out
but I don't want to tell him
that it's freaking me out?

It could be that
as well.

Maybe it's something else entirely

-b

A Very Busy, Yet very Wonderful Weekend

My graduation dinner was perfect. The food was unbelievable, the never ending wine was delicious, and the company was superb. I really felt blessed sitting at the table with a group of people who really helped me get through grad school. Each person at that table was responsible in some way for me completing my degree. They either gave me money to pay for classes, offered babysitting so I could go to classes, offered emotional support and encouragement, or all of the above. I am eternally grateful to all who who there, as well as to a few (like my sister) who could not make it.
Here is a picture:

Mel, her husband, my brother, my sister-in-law, my parents, Joe's cousin, T, and me

Today we packed up T's apartment! He's really moving in! I couldn't be any happier about it. Once all the boxes were packed, we danced to a u2 song playing on T's ipod speakers. It was a perfect moment.

T in his packed up apartment. So so cute.

-b

Graduation Dinner

I'm off to celebrate my graduation
at my favorite restaurant
with some of my
favorite people
T brought me the most perfect
white roses
and told me that I look
beautiful
It should be a lovely night

-b

Jacob Got married!

While playing with his best friend (Mel's daughter), he was proposed to. The happy couple couldn't wait for a proper service, so the got married in Mel's apartment. They even remembered to kiss. And yes, Jacob does have fairy wings on. He was "Prince Jacob the Butterfly." (Don't ask)

-b

I Got In!

The workshop starts next Wednesday.
Now I'm nervous!
Wish me luck!

-b

Pictures From Yesterday

-b

Memorial Day

Tonight during dinner
I told T
that this was my favorite
Memorial Day weekend ever
"Ever?" he asked
"Ever," I responded

and then I felt sick
to my stomach

How could I have forgotten
Memorial Day Weekend
10 years ago?

That was the weekend that
Joe proposed to me
he got down on one knee
on the swan boats
in Boston

He pulled out a ring
that was perfect in my mind
he asked me to be his wife
and I was happy
I was beyond happy

We celebrated by walking over to
Fenway Park
and telling the man at the gate
that we just got engaged
he let us in to the game for free

The next day I graduated from college
and I got to show off my ring
to all my classmates

How could I say that this weekend was better than that?
What is wrong with me that I could forget
such an important weekend?

What is wrong with me that I would rather redo
this weekend
and not that weekend?

I'm so screwed up....

Great Day

You know those rare perfect days?
The ones where everything falls into place
and no one fights
and the sky is the perfect shade of blue?
We had one of those today.
Here are some pictures:

We are really lucky to live around the corner from the coolest sprinkler park. To get there you walk through a really pretty park full of paths. Here are the boys with T walking over the bridge:

Jacob having some fun with water:

J & J playing with water:

T and I had a date tonight, and he gave me my graduation present. Here it is! My very first ipod ever:

Here's hoping the night continues to go as well as the day!

-b

Reason # ____ That I Love T

I hurt my neck last night. I'm not sure if I slept on it wrong, or what. But I can barely move it today. It hurts big time. T found me outside with the boys tonight looking like I was in a lot of pain. He rubbed my neck, and I couldn't even thank him.

"Go upstairs," he ordered.
"huh?"
"Go upstairs, take a bath, and lie down."
"But the boys.."
"I'll play with the boys. I'll get them changed. I'll get them to bed. You go lie down."
"But..."
"Do it woman!"

I'm crying as I type this. I'm so lucky. I'm so in love. Or maybe it's the vicodin I took. Either way, T is pretty cool.

-b

Some Pictures From Saturday and Today

Mel came over with her girls to help me clean out the attic. I hired a sitter to watch all the kids. Josh also got a new bed delivered that day. Here they all are, still in pajamas, watching the bed enter the house.

Josh's new bed with the overflow garbage bag on it

The hallway

Tomorrow is garbage day, so tonight Mel, T and I brought the garbage to the curb. I really need to tip the garbage men!

The kids never get to play in the front yard, and for whatever reason they thought it was great fun. Here they are playing tag.

-b

Allow Me To Explain
(If that's even possible)

disclaimer: I am about to put down someone who is dead. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but even the dead aren't perfect. If you feel like you will be offended, please don't read.

The person that I was when I was married to Joe is no longer the person that I am today. So many of you have commented on this blog about how strong I am. It hasn't always been that way. I loved Joe. You all know that I loved Joe. But I don't love who I was with Joe. Remember the title of this blog? I was ALWAYS on relaxed alert. I could never fully relax, and I never stood up for what I believed in when it came to my marriage.

This wasn't Joe's fault. It just was what it was. My childhood was less than ideal, and I met Joe when I was 15 and vulnerable. He took care of me, and I fell in love with him for that reason. But Joe always ruled our marriage. He was never abusive, he never mistreated me really. But I never told him what was really on my mind. I never said, "no" to anything. I mean, I had a whole freaking room of my small house dedicated to cigars! Who allows that?

Was Joe a perfect husband? No. Not in the least. Was I a perfect wife? No. Not in the least. We both did our best with the baggage that we both brought to our marriage. When I was unhappy with Joe's behavior, instead of confronting what was bothering me, I looked the other way. When he was upset with my behavior, he took off, and drank.

I can count on one hand the number of fights we had during our 14 years together. I don't think that's a good thing. I was always scared to fight. Not because Joe would hurt me, but because I was afraid he would leave. This was not the behavior of someone who was strong.

After Joe died I became someone new. I gained a strength that I never knew I had. I stand up for myself. I speak my mind. I don't stay in relationships that aren't healthy for me. I fight with T when I feel a fight is warranted. I don't take crap from people.

And so, when I went into the attic after three years, and found remnants of Joe's past that I wish I hadn't found, I got angry. Angry at Joe for lying to me. Angry at Joe for keeping secrets from me. Angry at Joe for being so selfish. But mostly angry that my new strong self, will never have the chance to confront Joe with what I found. Because the new me would love to confront the old him.

-b

Secrets

I hate secrets
I hate keeping them
I hate telling them
I hate finding out
that the person I loved
that the person I knew
(or thought I knew)
kept so many
fucking
secrets
I think he even
kept secrets from
himself
Sometimes I hate him
How's that for a secret?

-b

Cleaning House

We did a lot of cleaning today
and by a lot
I mean over thirty bags of trash

Most of it came from the attic
and all of it
belonged to Joe

It was hard

I found things that
I wish I hadn't

I didn't find things that
I wish I had

Joe was an interesting
and
complicated guy

That's what made
people love him
I guess

-b

I Need Your Help

My neighborhood bookstore that I frequent is offering a four week writer's workshop course. Each session is three hours, and they are led by a well known author. The workshops are geared for those wanting to work on a memoir, and it costs $100. The bookstore is currently accepting applications, and will only accept 8 writers in all. To apply you need to submit 5 pieces of writing.

I originally started this blog with the hopes that it could possibly be turned into a memoir. So.... do you think I should apply? Will it be worth the money? And if so, help me choose 5 blog entries that show quality writing. (If any of it is quality writing.)

If I do someday publish a memoir, it will most certainly be dedicated to all of you. (and Joe, and my family, and T, and the boys. But you'll be mentioned. I promise :O) )

-b

Analyze This

Horrible Nightmare

Joe wasn't dead, but had gone missing 3 years ago
Every thought, every movement I made
I was wondering where Joe had gone

Finally he called

"I can't tell you where I am, or who I'm with, but I'm happy."

"Happy without me? You left me here with all your crap to clean up, and no note, and you're calling me now to say you're happy!"

"I'm sorry B. I'm really sorry."

At this point I forced myself to wake up, and felt relieved that he was dead, not missing, but dead. Or is that the same thing?

-b

Dinner At Our House

I always swore that I would be
the type of mother
who cooked one meal
for everyone

We would sit down
as a family
and everyone would eat
what was on their plate

No exceptions

Hasn't quite worked out that way
Somehow no one can agree on
what to have for dinner
and if T isn't here
I don't argue

Here's what the boys had for dinner
tonight

(Tuna sandwich on whole wheat, scrambled eggs, oranges from a jar)
*sigh*

-b

Song

Soon after I became a widow, someone posted a song on my widow support board. The song had been written by a 17 year old girl who lost her father. She won an award for young song writers, and I fell in love with her song. Even though she wrote it about her father, I could so relate to it from losing Joe. When you read the lyrics, I think you will understand why. I couldn't find the song for the past two years. I lost it and couldn't find it through google. Today it showed up on my computer. I don't know how or why, but it was there. Someone on the widow board then helped me find the lyrics. I hope you'll take a listen, and read the lyrics while doing so.

Lyrics And Music Composed By Gin Wigmore

Take your last step towards heaven and its glow
Take your last breath of sunlight, don't let it go
Take your last look to remember, so that you know

I wont let you fade from no mind
I wont let you fade from no minds
I wont let you fade from no minds

Hallelujah for these eyes to see your painted life
Hallelujah for the touch of skin to skin with mine
Hallelujah for this mind that keeps our souls combined
Hallelujah for this life that let me be your child

Have your mind, have your strength to stay alive Keep your eyes open with mine

You followed the road for the angels and you left me behind
A face without words can last a lifetime but it's never the same
So, don't say goodbyes that last forever just for a while
Because I'll be by to see you some day soon

Hallelujah for these eyes to see your painted life
Hallelujah for the touch now of skin to skin with mine
Hallelujah for this mind that keeps our souls combined
Hallelujah for this life that let me be your child

Hallelujah, to be a part of your life
To see inside of all your smiles
You're a traffic light of fire
You're a man who I believe will never die

-b

It May Have Taken Seven Years But...


Guess who got her Master's Degree in Elementary Education?

Yep, that would be me.

And my GPA was 3.987

Hey, if I can't brag here, where can I brag?

-b

Our Weekend in Pictures

It started out yesterday morning. We all waited very impatiently for Mimi (my mother) to arrive and whisk the boys into Boston with her. She finally showed up (she was only 25 minutes late, but it felt like forever!) and we all rejoiced. The boys left, and T and I hopped in the car.

We stopped in York so that T could show me his favorite diving spot. We sat on the benches and he told me all about what he finds under water. We then went to the Maine Diner
for breakfast. I forgot to take a picture of it, but if you should find yourself there, you must order the blueberry pancakes. They are the best blueberry pancakes I have ever had.

After we checked into out Inn we walked around Kennebunkport.
It was a very cute town, with lots of touristy shops. While shopping, we spied a horse and carriage that was taking tourists on tours. I looked at T, and said, "Wouldn't that be fun?"

Here's a picture of T and me on our very own horse and carriage ride.


Dinner at sunsetThe bush Compound

When we got home, T made us cappuccinos. He topped mine with a heart.

This was a very good weekend, indeed. Happy Mother's Day!

-b

Away With T

Tomorrow T and I will
head off to Kennebunkport
for our anniversary weekend
I am not bringing my computer
Somehow I think I will be ok without it
I will post with pictures upon my return
Have a wonderful weekend

-b

My Little Magician

On the way to preschool this morning, Jacob and I had the following conversation:

J: Mommy, when I grow up, I'm going to be a magician and a doctor.

b: That sounds great!

J: That way, I can say the magic words and bring daddy back, and then I can fix him and make him all better!

b: (at a loss for words) Oh sweetie, that would be so great if you could do that, but it's not possible.

J: Yes it is. You'll see.

b: If there were magic words to bring daddy back, we would have said them already.

J: Hmmm. (long pause) Maybe I'll be a singer instead then.

b: Sounds good.

-b

1st Anniversary

One year ago tonight
I was coming out of a deep
month-long depression

I had a date set up
but I didn't want to go

Patrick came over to babysit
I told him I just wanted to stay
home with him

He kicked me out
of my own house

I drove to a neutral meeting spot
and waited anxiously
for you to arrive

We sat for hours
talking
It was so easy
and you made me
laugh

It had been so long since
I had laughed

A year has gone by

and not one day in that
year
has passed
without me thanking
my lucky stars

that you came into
my life

Happy Anniversary, T

love,
b

Missing You

"I miss you T," I said to T tonight.

"How can you miss me? I'm right here."

"But I don't feel like you're here. And I miss you."

"You're so strange, B."

"I know. That's why you love me."

"You keep telling yourself that."

-b

Meet my niece

Isn't she cute?

The boys (my nephew included) were pretty cute too

-b