Kind of at a loss
It's that time of year again
surprisingly, I made it through April much better than the past few years
But it's almost May
and I don't need to look at a calendar to know that
My body, my mind, my soul
all know it on their own
I'm at that place where I can't close my eyes
without reliving the past
I can't drive my car
without crying
I have no desire to make small talk
so please humor me
and don't try
I just want to be alone
yet surrounded
that may make sense to some of you
but I suspect some readers will take issue
with the fact that I'm grieving
yet again
while hoping that T will propose
yet again
and I'm not sure that I can say anything
that will make you understand
because clearly you don't understand me
not that I fault you for that
I don't understand myself right now either
It's that time of year again
surprisingly, I made it through April much better than the past few years
But it's almost May
and I don't need to look at a calendar to know that
My body, my mind, my soul
all know it on their own
I'm at that place where I can't close my eyes
without reliving the past
I can't drive my car
without crying
I have no desire to make small talk
so please humor me
and don't try
I just want to be alone
yet surrounded
that may make sense to some of you
but I suspect some readers will take issue
with the fact that I'm grieving
yet again
while hoping that T will propose
yet again
and I'm not sure that I can say anything
that will make you understand
because clearly you don't understand me
not that I fault you for that
I don't understand myself right now either
-b
6 comments:
Hang in there! We're here for you and we love you. :o)M
Well, I for one get it. The duality. Perhaps those who can't wrap their minds around it haven't evolved as we have. It's not a matter of better or worse or right and wrong. It just is and some of us totally get that.
Take care of yourself.
I had to come and check on you, knowing the time of year it is for you. I don't understand completely, but I do know about your body remembering tragedy on the anniversary,and maybe a speck about the bridge of the old you to the new one. There will always be that link.
Hugs, prayers, and warm thoughts,
Slacker Mom
I get it.
Huge hugs from NC. xoxox
Af riend of mine always says that there are two types of people in this world: those who have lost someone close to them, and those who haven't yet. Even though it only takes a second to go from the second group to the first, the gulf between the two is immense. It's important that those in the second group not presume to know what the other group is going through or to judge them in any way - we will also be part of that first group far too soon.
I get it, at least I think I do. I think you would be crazy and kidding yourself if you didn't grieve over and over again every year for many many years to come. Even if not for the husband that you lost, but for your children's father. That will never go away so of course it's going to come back and overwhelm you.
But you'll get through it just like you have each year and now you have such a wonderful happy life to get back to once you find your way out of the grief again.
Lots of hugs!
Post a Comment