Jacob

How can this little guy possibly have something wrong with him?
His EEG came back abnormal
He very well may have epilepsy

We are meeting with a neurologist at Children's Hospital
to find out more
Please keep him in your thoughts

-b

Guess What I Fit Into?

My Pre-Jacob, post miscarriage clothes! While I was only pregnant for 10 weeks before miscarrying, I managed to gain enough weight for an entire pregnancy. And then after the miscarriage I was depressed and ate. A lot. Then I got pregnant with Jacob, and you know the rest of the story.

So while the clothes that I fit into are not my true pre-pregnancy clothes, they are close! I also went to TJmax to buy some back to school dresses. I didn't want to spend too much money since I plan on losing more, but I love the dresses I bought! They are cute I think. Not just big enough to cover my body, but cute!

Very exciting stuff.

As an aside, I'm feeling super anxious today. Jacob and T had a bit of a falling out this morning, and it has left me feeling uneasy. I know T loves the boys, but I also know that they are a bit of a hurdle in terms of the relationship. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but imagine dating someone with kids when you've never had them. When they act up, I think it's harder for T than it is for me. I think it's harder for guys in general, but even harder when the children aren't yours. I'm rambling I know. Just trying to sort out my anxiety.

Thanks for listening.

-b

The Test

Tomorrow night
I will keep Jacob awake
until 11 PM
And then will wake him
at 5 am Tuesday
The hardest part
will be keeping
him awake
until 12:30!
Wish us luck!

-b

p.s. I have lost 25 pounds! That was my summer goal and I achieved it! Go me!

Random Cuteness

• After getting out of the shower yesterday, I was greeted by Jacob. He looked my naked body up and down, and up and down again. He then said, "Mommy, you look very........odd." "I look odd?" I asked. "You look interesting. Interesting and odd."

• The boys went to the dentist yesterday. Dr. Rebecca gave them a choice of fluoride flavors. Strawberry, cherry, bubblegum, mint, or broccoli. Joshua chose broccoli, and was upset when Dr. Rebecca had told him she had just been kidding. He settled for mint.

-b

A Picture

Some of you have asked for a picture
I am now 22 pounds down
I still have 38 to go
but somehow
that doesn't
feel
as
overwhelming
as
60 did

Here is me yesterday:

-b

Making Working Out Work Out

This summer I have been working out on average 90 minutes per day. I do this at the gym where the boys go to preschool/camp. It's so convenient. I drop the boys off, work out, come home and shower, continue with my day, and pick the boys up.

But I hate the picking up part. While the preschool/gym is close to my work, it is not close to my home. Driving there twice a day is annoying because there's always traffic, and my car goes through gas like there's no tomorrow.

So I've been stressing out about how I'm going to continue working out once school resumes in less than three weeks. (Say it isn't so!) I won't have time to work out before school, and I feel guilty putting the boys in babysitting when I pick them up. They will have been in school from 7:45-3:45, and I just don't think that's fair.

So I was planning on bringing the boys home, playing with them, feeding them, bathing them, and putting them to bed. Then I was going to head back to the gym to work out.

But I know myself. I know that I won't want to drive all the way back to the gym. And there lay my dilemma. How do I continue working out daily once school resumes?

My solution? Join a second gym down the street. A gym that is less than a three minute drive. A gym that offers spinning (my new obsession) every night. A gym that allows me to pay monthly and cancel at any time if it's not working out. A gym that gives me a 20% discount because of my health insurance.

BTW, I have to belong at the first gym in order for the boys to go to preschool there. I know, it's crazy. Hopefully my solution is not crazy.

-b

Tired

This was an exhausting weekend
filled with high highs
and low lows
the latest low was bringing
Josh to the ER tonight
He's fine
but it came after a different low
another parent from our school
died

The highs were
great birthday parties
and an amazing date with T
I think it was my favorite date yet

A low was when Joshua knocked over 6 glass
half gallons of milk
onto the kitchen floor
flooding it with milk
and glass

A high was discovering
that I have lost
20 pounds!

A low was arguing
with a friend

It's been quite the weekend
and I am tired
Goodnight

-b

You Guys Are So Smart

So Jacob is NOT having an MRI
He IS having a sleep deprived EEG
Just like you said he should have
You are smart!

Now I have to figure out how to deprive him
of half his normal night's sleep
and keep him awake until his 12:30 appt

-b

Jacob

"Mama look! I'm ready to go camping!"
"um, ok."

"And Brooklyn is ready too."

-b

Avoiding Temptations




This afternoon
we attended a birthday party
(One of 10 this summer I must add)
that was full of temptations
Pizza, Caesar salad, and ice cream cake
three of my favorite foods
I looked at each one
and firmly told myself
"That is not my food"
I did eat two servings of
fruit salad
It was worth it
I'm down 18 pounds

-b

p.s. the picture is centered when I'm posting, but then shows up on the side. Any idea why? This happened with my spinning post too.

Jacob Update

The EKG showed his heart was fine
after consulting neurologists, however
his pediatrician wants him to have
an MRI to look at his brain
My sister is worried that
the process will be scarier
than it's worth
anyone been through this?
Are children's MRI's the same
as adult MRI's?

Any feedback would be much appreciated

-b

Bridge Collapse

Since becoming a widow, I react to tragedies such as the Minneapolis bridge collapse in a different way than I would have before. I feel such a sense of empathy for those husbands and wives who will never see their partners alive again. I picture the children who will never again be tucked in by their mom or dad. I can feel in my heart, and in my gut, the anxiety of those waiting to hear if their loved one made it.

I also have a different reaction to those that survived. Watching tv this morning while on the elliptical machine, I began to sob. In public I was sobbing, and I didn't care. I was watching the survivors sharing their incredible survival stories, and their stories of being reunited with their families. And I was beyond happy for them, I really was. But I also felt for those newly widows and widowers. I know that they must be wondering why their spouses weren't spared. And I started wondering why certain people die, and others survive.

None of it seems fair. None of it.

-b

The Object of My Affection

You all know how much I love T
You know that he makes me happier than
I ever thought possible
and that
I hope to spend my life with him

but
I have another object of affection
and his name
is Loweded Wookie

Don't be thrown off
by the fact that
he shows his finger up his nose
on his blog

Don't be thrown off
by the fact
that he'd prefer to live
without electricity
and running water

He's actually one of the most
sensitive guys
on the face of the planet
He even sent me
a birthday ecard
last year on my birthday
when I was stood up by NB

He also started Gulliver's Travels
the little bear that's travelling
around the world
trying to make people happy

He started a new blog
and you can find it here
tell him b sent you

-b

Spinning


The secret to my success
(if you can call it that)

I still have a long way to go
about 50 more pounds
but I have gotten off to
a pretty good start
down 17 pounds today

How am I doing it?
I'm eating less
a lot less
and I'm working out more
a lot more

that's it

Today I added a spinning class
to my regime
It was hard
I sweat like I've never sweat before

We supposedly biked for 21 miles
and my butt is super sore
but I loved it
I could feel the weight coming off
and it made me spin harder

can't wait to do it again

-b

EKG Update

I don't have one
The hospital messed up
and forgot to send off
Jacob's EKG
So it has not yet
been read
I'll let you know
when I know

-b

EKG

Do you remember back in January when Jacob passed out?
Well, it happened again two weeks ago. He was eating a Popsicle and complained that it was too cold. I told him to spit it out, but before he could, he passed out and fell off his chair. I picked him up and he let out this guttural sound. I started to call 911, but before I could finish, he had come to. I called his pedi instead, who calmed me down and told me that this happens to some kids. Just to be safe, he is having an ekg today. I will let you know how it goes.

On another note, I've lost 16 pounds!

-b

I Want To Die

No, not me. I have no desire to die. I'm loving life, in fact. Except for this past week when I was pretty sick. I may have had the flu, but if not I had something similar. Fever, chills, achy bones. I think those symptoms led me to take the blog break that I took. Tonight I was walking Brooklyn on m y nightly walk, and had a realization that I was finally feeling better. You know how when you're sick you forget what it feels like to feel well? Is it just me that that happens to? When I'm feeling my worst, I literally can't remember what it feels like to feel well. Anyways, tonight I was walking and realized that I felt well again. And I was so happy. And I thought about the blog, and realized that I have a ton to say!

So back to the title. Jacob has been talking about death lately. In fact he tells me on a daily basis that he wants to die. Why? Because he wants to be with daddy. Of course at four, he has no idea that death is permanent, and I am not worried about him hurting himself. All he knows is daddy is dead, and he wants to see daddy. Therefore, he wants to die.

This makes for a daily heartbreaking talk. At this point I think Jacob says it because he likes the attention he gets for saying it. But I don't ever want to be dismissive of it, ya know? I tell him that when you die you never come back, so he's not allowed to die until he's very very old. I also tell him that daddy is with him in everything he does, even though he can't physically see him.

Any other suggestions?

Taking a Break

I'm not sure how long
I'll be gone for
but I need to take a break
from blogging

While I'm having
a great summer
I don't feel like
I have anything of interest
to share

Does anyone care
that I've lost another 2 pounds?
Because that's all I've got
for you

I am sure that when school
starts up again
I will have plenty to share

But for now
I'm going to say
goodbye

I'll be back
I promise
So please check in
every now and then

Who knows?
Maybe I'll be back next week
all inspired

If T should decide
to propose
this summer
I will be sure to
post it here

I hope you all know
how much you
mean to me

Until later

With love

b

Dear Joshua,

Today you are three years old! How is that even possible? You are a child like no other. You are incredibly funny, with a sense of humor far beyond your age. You love to play with your brother and friends. You love watching construction sites, and think that the school being built down the street is your construction site. You can (and do) name every type of truck you see while we are driving, and you expect (demand) praise for noticing them.

Joshie, you have had a hard time controlling your emotions lately. You have temper tantrums beyond what I have ever experienced with tantrums. Sometimes they last for an entire hour! Hopefully you will find a new way to express your frustrations soon.

You are an amazing snuggler. You love to lie with me and have me sing to you. You have yet to learn that I can't carry a tune. You love to sing as well. You turn regular conversations into songs all the time, and sing at any given opportunity. Today, for example, you sang to the tune of Frere Jaque (No idea how to spell it), "I don't like mommy, I don't like mommy, no I don't, no I don't."

You are a fabulous eater. You eat almost anything presented to you, and you still want more. You love fruit more than sweets, and choose yogurt over chocolate. Clearly, I have no influence over you!

Josh, you bring such joy to everyone who meets you. You are a singer, a dancer, a dump truck driver, a friend, a comic, a snuggler, a dog walker, a climber, a bike rider, a puzzle solver, a smiler, an amazing little boy.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Joshua!

love,
Mommy

Life

This summer is moving too quickly
I'm loving it
More than you can imagine

I've lost 8 pounds
according to weight watchers
but 10 pounds
according to my scale

My days are relaxing
but I'm working out hard

Life with T
is mostly good
We are both adjusting to
so much together time

The boys are loving camp
but not loving
swimming lessons

My sister spent the weekend here
and will be back on Friday
for another weekend

Next Wednesday
will be spent at Owen's pool
Anyone want to join me?

-b