Away For The Weekend

You may recall Owen's Cape House from this past summer. It is one of my favorite places in the world to go. It's beautiful, peaceful, and relaxing. Tomorrow T and I will be going there to celebrate my birthday. We will hopefully have an amazing time doing a whole lot of nothing. T is on his way here from NY, and he has birthday and Valentine's presents in tow.

I'll update you when I can. But cross your fingers for me to have a great weekend. I really need it.

On a different note, today would have been Joe's 34th birthday. Happy birthday, babe. We miss you.

-b

My Birthday

sucked
for the most part

Here was the day:

It started out nice. I found out that we had a snow day at 6am, and was thrilled. My mom stopped by around 10 and took the boys outside to play.
Here is Josh after coming in from the snow
Then an unfortunate thing happened. Joe's medical files were delivered to my house. I ended up sitting and reading the entire file while the boys napped. There was some surprising information in them, as well as hard information to read. It was also interesting to read about myself in the third person, and read myself quoted. It was a hard read, and I haven't gotten over it yet.
Then the boys and I baked the most delicious cookies
Here they are:
Then I put the boys to bed, cleaned the house, made myself dinner and sat on the couch. Oh wait! Did you want to see the flowers that T sent me? Or the card or present he gave me? Hmm, so did I.

I am seriously beginning to despise my birthday.

-b

Birthdays

It doesn't seem fair
that tomorrow
I will turn
a year older
than Joe
ever
got
to
turn

I know that this
year
I am in a much
better place than last
year

When I was dating that
shithead
who stood me up
on my birthday

And I know I should be thankful
to be dating someone
who truly loves me
and wants me to
be happy

and I am

but
it still doesn't seem right
that Joe never got to
turn 32

I wonder if I will
ever enjoy
my birthday
again

-b

Heaven

Tell us a story
about heaven
they said to me
tonight

you want to hear a story
about heaven?
I clarified

yes
tell us a story
about daddy in heaven

ok
I said

Heaven is a beautiful place
where everyone is
happy all the time

and the best part of heaven
is that you get to watch
all the people
you loved most
in the world

and your daddy spends his days
watching the people
he loved most in this world

So your daddy spends
his days
watching the two of you
and is so happy
because you are so happy

I miss him mommy
I know
I do too

-b

T

Have I told you lately
how awesome
T
is
to
me?

He rocks

He has been
by my side
through
this
whole
shitty
week

and
I
love
him

I
do
I
love
him

-b

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Once a week, since September I have had a grad school night routine. I leave my house at 5pm, and drive for 14 minutes to Cambridge. I park in Harvard Square at my school (not Harvard, btw), and walk for 5 minutes to Boca Grande. Every week I order the same thing: Cheese quesadilla with all the toppings, a side of rice, and water. The total each week comes to $4.98.
Tonight was a little different. T decided to come with me, and to walk around Harvard Square while I was in class. We drove, parked, and walked as usual. I ordered my normal fare, and T ordered a chicken platter and a small iced tea. The total came to $16.80. I paused, thinking that this was a bit high, considering my meal is usually $5.00, but then payed the cashier, assuming that T's meal was a lot more expensive than mine.

Once we were sitting down eating, I surveyed the menu board. T's meal was in fact only $4.50, and his drink was $1.50. I was cheated!

I ate my meal like a civilized person, and then informed T that I was going to get my money back. I went up to the cashier and informed her that I had been over charged. She re-totaled up what we ordered, and it came to $12.00. I explained that I had been charged $16.80. She asked if I had a receipt, and I told her that she never gives me a receipt. No receipt, no refund. What?

I argued as best I knew how, even asking to speak to the manager. "No manager," I was told.
In a shaky voice I informed the cashier that I come into the restaurant every single week, and that they were about to lose me as a customer over $5.00. She told me that was fine. I held back my tears and stormed out, T following behind.

He asked me if I was more upset about the $5.00 or the fact that I could no longer go back there. No doubt, I am more upset that I will never eat one of their delicious cheese quesadillas again. Yet another thing to mourn.

-b

Funeral Time

So I'm going against my father-in-law's final wishes, and burying him here, next to his son, instead of 5 hours away in upstate New York. There are many reasons I'm doing this, and I don't really feel like posting them right now. Maybe later.

The past few days have sucked. Jay (my father-in-law) left me quite a mess to take care of. I am physically, and mentally exhausted.

And now, I get to go stand in below 0 temperatures as we have a graveside funeral for Joe's dad. And then, his whole family will be buried. And I will attempt to move on.

-b

Joe and his dad
a few years ago

He Died

at 5:50 this morning

shit

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

Breathe

except look at the shirt above
he wore this shirt
all the time
how can I take it
out of the closet?

Breathe

Or these shirts above
they came back from the dry cleaners after Joe died
He took them there
when he was still alive

Breathe

Or this shirt above
The sleeves are still rolled up
he rolled them up
and they're still that way

Breathe

It's only stuff
It's not Joe
You can pack his stuff
You're not packing Joe

-b

Updates

There's not too much to update, but for the sake of keeping up with my blog, I'll give it a shot.

My father-in-law is still alive. Which is good for many reasons, least of which is that I am in charge of his funeral, and he has decided for some asinine reason, to be buried 5 hours away from us. Who he expects to attend this funeral 5 hours away is beyond me, but he expects a proper service/burial. Whatever.

Grad School: I'm taking my very last class! It started last Wednesday night, and it's actually fun! I'm pretty proud of myself for going back to school and finishing this degree that I started so long ago. It will be a huge relief to finally be done.

My class: at school is the same as ever, but today I got a surprise; a new student. Just what we needed....

My sons: Are both doing well. They still talk about death a lot, but it's not bothering me anymore. They'll randomly say things like, "Did you know that my daddy is in heaven?" Or they'll put out flowers from a vase (That T got for me) and when I tell them to put them back they'll ask why they need to. And when I explain that the flowers will die if they stay out of the water, they'll ask if the flowers will then go to the sky. And when I say yes, they say that they want the flowers to stay out of the water.

T: Is wonderfully amazing. I love when he's here, I hate when he's away, and I'm scared this will all end.

Any other updates you would like? Ask away!

-b

Saying Goodbye
(part two)

We never had
a good relationship
due to the fact
that he was
a shitty father
and a shitty
grandfather
he was
and is
a cheap bastard
who never gave
any of us
a dime
He can talk
and talk
and talk
for hours
about the most boring topics
known to man
He always asked me the
same questions
over
and
over
and
over
clearly never
paying attention
to the answers I provided
At times
I have hated him
I never thought I
would miss him
So why did I cry
as I said
goodbye?

-b

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow the boys
and I
will travel
to Hartford

To visit my
father-in-law
and to say goodbye

He is dying
and will be gone
very soon

It will be
a very
sad
day

-b

The Interview

So my blog buddy, Nick wrote a post yesterday about interviewing a reader. He may have been joking, but I jumped at the chance. (surprise surprise!) Here are the questions he asked me, and the honest answers that I promised him:

You started blogging in November of '05, just over a year ago. A lot of blogs don't last that long. What keeps you going?

My blog has been a type of therapy for me. I have had so many ups and downs these past few years, and it has been a place for me to work through my emotions. I realize that I could do this in a journal, but then I wouldn't get any feedback. And those comments are addictive. I love the feedback I have received over the past year and a bit. This blog has also been a good way for friends to check in on me. Many of them never comment, but they are reading, and making sure that I'm ok. I've also made some actual real life friends from this blog. That has been an added bonus. It has become harder to keep up recently, mostly because T is often around, and I don't blog in front of him. But I still try to write a few entries a week.

If computers became illegal today, who from the internet would you try the hardest to find?

I would try my hardest to find this blog. I've never backed it up or anything, and would be crushed if I lost everything I had written. So I guess I'd be trying my hardest to find myself.

Fast forward 10 years. Tell us one thing about your life.

I am happily married and have a third child.

Your husband died almost three years ago at the age of 31. What advice would you give to someone who is just now going through what you went through at that time?

Let people help you. It's ok to cry every day. Join a support group! You are stronger than you could ever imagine yourself to be. Someday you will find happiness again.

Obviously we don't get do-overs in life. Imagine we did. If you could go back in time and change one, and only one, thing you've said or done, what would it be?

The night I went to see Joe at the hospital I would not have stopped at the front desk. I would have just marched right into Joe's hospital room, and held him, and told him how much I loved him. The fact that I stopped at the front desk, and was told that I couldn't see Joe, will forever haunt me. It was my last chance to see him conscious.

You're auditioning for American Idol. What song are you going to sing?

Obviously you've never heard me sing! But if I had to sing something it would have to be, "The Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Oh yeah.

Who's Patrick?

LOL! Patrick was the aide in my classroom last year. He had worked here for two years prior to that, but I never got to know him until last year. Patrick is one of the nicest, funniest, easiest to be around guys that I know. He's a good friend.

You surprise T with carry-out Chinese one night and discover him in bed with another woman. Do you leave immediately and eat the Chinese (like I would), or stay to confront them, letting the perfectly good Chinese go to waste?

I would join in. Just kidding! I would confront him, and then cry for the next week. The food would never get eaten.

Being a teacher, what advice do you have for someone considering a career in education?

Don't do it! It's way harder than people perceive it to be.

What advice do you wish someone would have given you when you decided to become a teacher?

I really don't know. I was given lots of advice, but brushed most of it off because I was a cocky new teacher.

What's your favorite and least favorite part of being a teacher?

My favorite part of being a teacher is watching a student understand something that s/he didn't previously understand. I had a lot of difficulty in school as a kid, and I love when I can actually help a struggling student not struggle any more. My least favorite part is dealing with bad behavior from students, parents and administrators.

Describe your mood right now in one word.

Anxious

If you could instantly and permanently change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd be skinny

You can marry any celebrity you want. Congratulations.

Why thank you!

Describe each of your children using one sentence that doesn't run on for a whole paragraph.

Jacob is a sweet, strong willed, funny, slightly strange, inquisitive child.
Josh is a cuddly, funny, smart, strong willed, mostly happy child.

Imagine you were never married and never had kids. How do you think your life would be different?

Perhaps I'd be living in a city somewhere closer to my sister. I doubt I would be very happy at this point in my life if I had never married, nor had kids. Both were so important to me. Dating would be far less complicated though!

Boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs?

Boxers, or boxer briefs. NO BRIEFS!!!!

You're going to be executed today. Should have just left and ate the Chinese... What's your last meal consist of?

Eggplant parm, good French bread with lots of butter, molten chocolate cake.

Any parting words?

I'm wondering why anyone reads my blog, including you. It's often so depressing! I appreciate all my readers though, and want to thank you for reading!

Thanks b :)
Thank you!

-b

Help My sister
(again)

Now that you've helped her pick a name for her baby to be, she has another question for you. Have any of you used a doula during labor and delivery? Can you share anything about your experience? Also, how much would you be willing to pay? Maybe if enough of you respond, she'll let you in on the name :O)

-b

Josh is sick
again

I walked into my classroom this morning, and noticed the red light was flashing on my phone. I checked my voicemail, and heard Josh's sitter's voice. I knew that could not be good. Josh had a fever of 103. How did I miss that when he woke up this morning????

I'm home with him now, waiting to see the doctor yet again. This will be trip number 4 in the past 5 weeks. I am starting to get very frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

-b

T is back!

T came home a day early
He surprised us by being here
when we got home

He took us out to dinner
While waiting for our food
Josh nuzzled into T's arm

and said

I love you

I teared up
of course

and T told Josh
that he loved him too

Now T's reading
Curious George
and putting the boys to bed

is it a wonder I missed him?

life is good
tonight

-b

I Miss T

He's away for work this week
and I just want him here
that is all

-b

When Will He Come Back?

That is the latest question
my 2 and 3 year old are asking
repeatedly

Why did he have to die?
is the other one
that keeps coming up

Never, and I don't know
just don't seem to be
sufficient answers

Because he was cheated out of life
and you were cheated
out of having him as a father
is what I would like to say

I guess they waited for the
grief to be easier for me
so that I can help them

as they truly face the loss
that has been with them
for two and a half years

I wish I had the answers
instead I only have questions

-b

Trip To The ER

This afternoon, after a nice day with the boys, Jacob fell. Not a crazy fall, just a normal, slip on the kitchen floor. He landed on his butt, and seemed fine. But he started to cry, so I sat on the floor to hug him. As soon as I took him in my arms, his head fell backwards, his eyes disappeared into his head, and he was out cold.

I called his name a few times, then began panicking. I carried him into the living room, and called 911. While on the phone with the operator he started making noises, and by the time the ambulance arrived he was fully conscious.

We went to the er and were released within 2 hours. The doctors think that either the pain, or the scare of the fall caused him to pass out.

Those moments, where Jacob was passed out in my arms, were quite possibly the scariest of my life. And I've had some scary moments.

-b