How did daddy die?

Just about every day
for the past week
or so

that question has been asked
by the boys

"He got really sick," I reply.

"With what?" They ask.

"With a bad sickness."

"Are we gonna die?"

"Not until you're very, very old."

"Was daddy very very old?"

blah

-b
p.s. what would you say the cause of death was? I don't want to scare them with the truth, but I don't know how to avoid it much longer without outright lying. Help!

Poor T

He wanted to make the two of us
a romantic dinner tonight
he searched the internet
for a recipe

went to my favorite
produce store
to buy the freshest
ingredients

bought a nice bottle of wine

came home
and started cooking

the appetizers were
delicious

warm Brie
roasted garlic
fresh bread
crackers
and crabcakes

the salad with balsamic vinagrette
was perfect

but the pasta
with porcini mushrooms
sauteed with fresh tomato
white wine
and olive oil
was inedible

In fact
I spit it out
I couldn't even fake it

T was just a tad bit hurt

-b
(it's not too late to delurk)

Gulliver Traveled

To Widow Group
(pictured is 8 out of 10 members. Julie is behind the camera, and Monique moved back to Belgium this past summer)

Loweded Wookie had a whole bunch of rules on his blog about what one needs to do if they have Gulliver for a visit. I'll summarize the most important part here:

With regards the photos. While scenery is pretty cool and thereÂ’s some amazing places on earth, I know because I live in one of those places, what makes a place so cool is the people. I want to see the people where you live, not just your families but people in the city or surrounding areas. Show me parties with your friends, show me drunken bums holding Gulliver just show me the people that make where you live special and such a great place to live. That is the purpose of this experiment anyway, to show that we humans are just like everyone else despite borders,colorss, creeds, and religions. BTW, you donÂ’t need to be in the photo if you donÂ’t want to but if you do that would be awesome.

Part of what makes where I live so great, and part of the reason it would be so difficult for me to leave, is widow group. I know I've posted about them before, but they are worth many, many blog entries. These women all lost their husbands within the same year that I lost Joe. Most of us were strangers when we met in October of 2004. We all remember those first support group meetings. We were so sad, and it was so heartbreaking to hear the stories of how we all lost our spouses.

Our leader, Leah, told us that soon we would be looking forward to meetings, and we would even find ourselves laughing at the meetings. None of us believed her. We felt so hollow, laughter seemed like a distant memory.

But with time, and with the support of each other, we did start laughing again. I posted a year ago that every widow group there are tears, and every widow group there is laughter. That was true, even tonight.

There are tears for what we lost, for what our husbands, and children, and children never born lost. There are tears for the memories of illnesses, and saying goodbyes, and for never getting the chance to say goodbye. There are tears for the loneliness, and the aches in our hearts that will never ever leave.

But there is laughter too. Lots and lots of laughter. What do we laugh about? Life. Because even though we all lost a part of ourselves when our husbands died, we are still alive. And with the support of widow group, we are all living.

In my opinion Gulliver traveled to the best party out there. I feel so lucky to be able to join my widow group friends every Monday night.

As to where Gulliver will travel to next, it's been a really hard decision for me. I love all of my blog readers, and you are all worthy of a visit from this cheerful little guy.

I think after bringing him to widow group, it's only fitting to pass him on to another widow. So Pentha send me your address through a pm on the widow board. Gulliver is coming your way.

-b

National Delurking Week!

This is the week that everyone comes out of the closet!
If you read this blog at all
please out yourself
You don't have to say much
but say something!
Widow group, this includes you!

-b

Has Everyone Gone Crazy?

It may be this insane weather
we've been having
65 degrees in January
in Boston?

Or maybe it's the sugar
from the holidays
wearing off
slowly

Or maybe it's
the full moon
that just recently
ended

All I know
is that every child
I have come into contact with
today

both at school
and at home
have been acting
in such a way

That make me
desire
a loooong
break from children

Anyone else?

-b

Gulliver is here!

A while back, when I was feeling blue (not sure exactly when, could have been anytime actually), my good blogger friend, Loweded Wookie decided to cheer me up. He got an idea to send me Gulliver. I need to take pictures of Gulliver in Boston, and post a blog entry about his stay here, and then send him on to one of my blog readers who will do the same. Along with Gulliver came a notebook to write in, and a present from Loweded Wookie to me. A book of pictures of his native New Zealand.

LW, you made my day! Thank you for starting this project with me. (and now I know your real name! I promise not to divulge it)

So...who would like to be the next recipient of Gulliver?

-b

My Boyfriend...

T went away this afternoon for work
He'll be in CA for 8 days
He left the house hours after I did
and he left behind

love notes!
7 in all, hidden throughout the house
I've only found six so far
They are so sweet, I'm willing to ignore the fact
that my name is misspelled on all of them :O)

-b

Happy New Year!

Sorry I've been such a sucky blogger as of late, but T has been here all week, and I don't blog in front of him, nor do I check my blog in front of him, so it has caused me some blogging issues.

But he's still asleep upstairs, and I am getting ready for my first day back at school. note: getting ready=writing on blog.

We had a really good week off, and I've been dreading going back to work. But New Year's Day was soooo slow and boring that I think it was just what I needed to get myself wanting to get back into my normal routine.

Anyways, just wanted to check in real quick, and let you know that all is well.

I'll write more tonight.

-b
p.s. Gina, I do have a counter, but I never check it anymore. But regardless, I'm so happy you're checking in regularly!

first fight

Last night we had our first real fight
We've fought before
over little trivial things
but last night was a big one

about trust
and lies
and things like that

I was proud of the way we fought
no one left the room
voices were barely raised

We talked our way though it
came to a resolution
and all was good

Yay us

-b

I'm Back!

The boys and I had an amazing weekend in Upstate NY with T's family. His parents welcomed us into their home like we were family, and his sister was awesome. I really could have stayed all week, but we had to get back for T's job. Below are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Christmas Eve pre church picture

a fuzzy picture of T's house
Christmas morning (yes, it's still dark)
T's mom watching over the boys

-b

Tomorrow's The Day

Wish me luck!

We're off to T's parent's house until Tuesday night. I will be collecting blog entries my whole visit. I will give you an update when I get back, but I've as nervous as can be right now.

Merry Christmas!

love,
b

p.s. the Mary post was a joke. Patrick really did tell me that, but I knew he was kidding. Sorry for making some of you worried, and even sorrier that some took offense to the post. I still think it's pretty funny though.

Thank God for Patrick

Everyone else assumed I knew that you are supposed to dress up as Mary or Baby Jesus on Christmas morning. But Patrick quietly filled me in, so as not to embarrass me for my lack of knowledge. Thank you, Patrick. I've got my Mary clothes all picked out. T's family will never know how clueless I once was about this holiday of theirs.

-b

blah

I had a funny
entry
all ready to go

but
i don't have it
in me
tonight

i just want
to cry
and
I'm not even sure
why

I may just be
exhausted
from having sleepless nights
with josh
who is sick
again

I may be frustrated
with T
because he's so grumpy
because he's sick
again

I may just be missing Joe
for reasons
not completely clear
to me

maybe it's the holiday cards
with the family names
all intact

or the memories
of those days in
the hospital
that just keep
haunting me

or the fear
that things won't
work out with T
and I'll need to start all over
again

whatever the reason
I'm melancholy
tonight
and the funny entry
will just have to wait
until I have joy in
my heart
again

-b

Tis' The Season

I miss Joe tonight
no surprise really
spent yesterday with
his family
but no Joe
sucks really

There's a commercial on tv
right now
Debeer's ad for diamonds
A woman is sleeping peacefully in bed
Her husband sneaks out of bed
goes downstairs
and comes back with a necklace

Damn commercial
makes me cry
every time

The song that goes with it
is what gets to me

I miss Joe

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you, but my words
Just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I cant think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, Im always walking with you
Im always walking with you, but I look and youre not there
Whoever Im with, Im always, always talking to you
Im always talking to you, and Im sad that
You cant hear, sad that you cant hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
When I look and youre not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
And -- each night and day I pray, in hope
That I might find you, in hope that I might
Find you, because hearts can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I cant think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
Im always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I cant think of right words to say

-b

Hanukkah Cheer

Yesterday we hosted a Hanukkah party at our house. Mel and Nikki came, along with their families. My parents and brother were also there. The kids had a blast, and got awesome presents. Today we visited Joe's family in the city that I like to call the most depressed city in MA. They are also the most depressing family to be around, but they behaved pretty well today. My kids got way too many presents. They are loving this holiday!

(kids at party decorating Hanukkah cookies. No idea why Jacob looks pissed. He loved the whole day)

(The party continued on Jacob's bed. It was transformed into a bus, and was played on, without adults supervising, for a long, long time)

(Jacob got his kiddush cup)(Josh with his doll, and about a gazillion other presents!)

-b

Happy Hanukkah!

I'm Done!

My big research paper is complete! Going in the mail tomorrow!!!!! Thanks for all your help and encouragement. Now I need to take my last class next semester and I will be done with graduate school. It only took me seven years...

-b

Reality Overkill

So you all know that I love reality TV. It's actually the only TV genre I watch these days. I realize they are crappy, but it's what I like. Deal with it.

What some of you know is that I used to be obsessed with the movie, "Dirty Dancing." By used to, I mean the 7th grade, and by obsessed I mean I saw it in the movie theatre ten times. Really. Ten times. Then I bought the video when it came out and watched it endlessly. I had every line memorized and my siblings and I performed a lip synch to the talent show song.

But even I, a hardcore fan of both all things reality, and Dirty Dancing think that this is too much. For those of you too lazy to click, WE has created a new reality TV show called, "Dirty Dancing." Their catch phrase is, "18 will dance. Only one will have the time of her life."

I will watch only so that I can properly make fun of it. Really. Just once. Or twice. And of course I'll have to watch the finale. But that's it. Because this show is pure crap.

-b

Help Me

I need to come up with Christmas gifts for T's family. We will be staying with them for 3 or 4 days. I got them a housewarming gift, but what do I give for Christmas?

I need something for his mom, dad, and 25 year old sister. I would like to spend under $30 per person.

Ideas?

-b

p.s. This will be my first time meeting them, and I don't know too much about any of their likes/dislikes.

It's almost 6:30 and I'm...

Still at work. That may not seem late to many of you, but as a teacher/mom, it's pretty damn late for me. Been working hard on my research paper. I decided to go with Kelly's idea about delaying boys who turn 5 in the summer from entering K until they are 6. It's been pretty interesting to research. The most interesting aspect for me was how this is helping to cause the achivement gap. It's almost always middle class/upper class white boys who are delaying entry until they are 6. Children from lower income homes, and children of color are entering K at age 5 because their parents can't afford an extra year of daycare/preschool. As a result, they are at an extra disadvantage when they enter school. Also, due to kids entering K later, parents have demanded a more rigorous curriculum, which then sprirals upward. I would love to hear JRowe's take on this, since she is a K teacher.

Speaking of JRowe, I've been having a disagreement with one of her husband's friends. Check it out (the disagreement is in the comments) , and tell me if I'm crazy. (well I know I'm crazy, but are my arguments crazy?) I had this same disagreement with MK last year, and I stand by my feelings.

Anyways, off for my first parent teacher conference with Jacob's teachers. Am slightly nervous, even though I talk to them every day, and don't think there will be any surprises. We'll see.

Oh, and T is giving notice at his apartment complex today. Now that he's working mostly in Boston, he realized it's just too hard to live in NH. A friend of his is looking to sublet her apatment, and it's just 15 minutes away from my house!!1

Gotta run.

love,
b