More Halloween Pics

These are my crazy third grade co-teachers. They make teaching so fun. Strange costumes, huh?

Here's Al. She teaches first grade, but was my student teacher 4 years ago. She is dressed as another teacher. I think she looks hot.

-b

A few pics from Halloween
more to come...
Hope your Halloween was as great as ours :O)

-b

World Series

I hate hate hate
that Joe isn't here to see this
not fair not fair not fair

-b

p.s. I left out someone's name in my post a few days back. Thank you a thousand times over to my neighbor Chris. She reads here but never comments. Thank you for coming to the house and picking Jacob up when I was out. Thank you for keeping him overnight while I stayed with Joe at the hospital. Thank you for watching Jacob during the funeral. Thank you for telling me that Joe said "goodbye" to Jacob. I never really believed it, but it meant a lot that you told me that anyways.

No Surgery Needed

Met with a surgeon today
and as it turns out
I don't need surgery!
This is very exciting news indeed

Sorry that I haven't filled you in on the details
trust me, you don't want them
but to stop any rumors from spreading
I do not/did not have an STD
and I am not/was not pregnant

Thanks for your support
as always

-b

Thank You

Maybe it's the World Series that has suddenly got me thinking about Joe so much
but he's back
and so are my memories of the end of his life
I can't help but think about all that he's missed out on
The world series is the least of it
but would have been such a big thing
for Joe to witness

While reflecting on his last days
I realized I never thanked all of my amazing friends
who helped me get through those days
So here is a post dedicated to you
It may be quite lengthy
and I'm sure I will leave out a few of you
But I'll do my best

To my sister:
Thank you for dropping everything in your life and staying with me for weeks at a time. Despite being 6 months pregnant, and incredibly uncomfortable, you came through for me in a way in which I'll never be able to repay. Thank you for lying in bed with me, and crying with me, holding my hand, cleaning my house, playing with Jacob, making me laugh. Thank you for standing with me as we lost Joe.

To my brother:
You are rarely mentioned in this blog. Probably because you don't know it exists. But you are a very important person in my life and in the lives of my kids. Thank you for coming to the hospital at 2am and staying with me until Joe died. Thank you for calling me that night and telling me, through your tears, that you will help me raise my boys. Thank you for fulfilling that promise and for being the best uncle my kids could have.

To Melanie:
Thank you for being a best friend in a way that I never knew a best friend could be. Despite having a newborn baby at home you dropped everything for me. You came to the hospital in the middle of the night, you called a long list of people to let them know that Joe died, you helped me through the days, weeks, and years that followed. I know that I am not as good a friend to you as you are to me. I don't have it in me to be that selfless. But I hope you know that I don't take you for granted. I hope you know how lucky I feel to have you in my life.

To Allison:
Thank you for pitch hitting (Or is it pinch hitting? Now I'm not sure of the right term) for me at school. You stepped right in and took over the job for me. I never once worried about my class once I left. Thank you for talking about Joe with me all the time, and helping me get through the past few years. Thanks for making me laugh every time I see you.

To Jenn:
Thank you for watching Jacob while I was in the hospital with Joe. Thank you for cleaning my house in the days that followed. Thank you for telling me Joe stories when I most need to hear them. Thank you for reminding me of all of his good sides when I'm focusing on the bad. I'm so glad you are back in town. I really missed you last year.

To Nikki:
Thank you for cleaning my house despite being ordered around! Thank you for being a friend I can call when I'm sad, and I know I don't have to speak. I can just say, "I'm sad." (Now I'm actually crying, thinking of how often I used to do this. It's been a while...) You never try to cheer me up, you let me talk or not talk. You let me feel what I need to feel. I really appreciate that. Thank you for sharing your Joe memories with me. Thank you for reminding me that I'm really just a total goof.

To Kristen:
Thank you for always telling me how hot Joe was, and how much you loved him. Thank you for visiting the cemetery on your own. Thank you for being an amazing friend to me in good times and bad. I miss you.

To Owen:
Thank you for taking me to your Cape house the week after Joe died. It was a break that I needed, and I appreciated you flying home for me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for leaving the funniest comments on my blog. Even when we don't speak, I know you're here with me.

To Brett:
Thank you for being Joe's friend. Thank you for visiting him in the hospital, and for being a part of the funeral. I know that you are thinking of him during this series, even without speaking to you. Thank you for thinking of him still. Thank you for all that you did for the boys and I after Joe died. Joe was incredibly proud of you, I'm sure.

There are so many more I should thank. That's the problem with this idea. Some will be left out. I just feel so lucky to have so many great friends. The amazing part is they are all still my friends, and, since Joe died, I have made so many new friends who have helped me along in my journey. That includes all of you readers. Thank you for reading, and letting me write endlessly about myself. I am very lucky indeed.

Go Sox

-b

Engaged

I am not yet engaged
and to be honest
I have no idea when
and if
it will happen
He says it will happen
he talks about our future
he talks about our wedding
but
we are not yet engaged
and it's driving me
CRAZY
I need to relax
yes I know that
yes my friends have all
told me that
but it's hard
do you remember
this feeling?
I remember it
I hated it 11 years ago
and I hate it even more
now
I just want to know that my
future will be with him
although I of all people
know that an engagement does not
secure a future with anyone
PROPOSE ALREADY!
Maybe I should turn off wedding Day on WE

-b

Eh

Haven't felt like blogging this week
Thanks for the concern earlier
I am fine
but need to consult a surgeon
next week
I've been tired
so so very tired
and moody
and anxious
and just kind of icky
next week will be better
right?

-b

Ouch!

I had unexpeted surgery today
It hurt a lot
am home now
enjoying my vicodin
maybe I'll even go take a nap

Thanks Mel for holding my hand while I cried like a baby on the operating table
Thanks Patrick for taking over teaching duties with no warning
Thanks readers for caring

mmmm vicodin

-b

Who Am I?

I am happy, sad, moody, upbeat, full of life, full of despair, optimistic, pessimistic, nervous, confident, skinny, fat, and bloated

I am the nicest person you've ever met, the sneakiest bitch on the block, someone who loves to laugh, someone who cries when a voice is raised at her, someone who raises spirits, someone who pisses others off

I am a widow who misses her husband, I am a girlfriend who is completely in love, I am a mother who dotes on her children, I am a woman who loves being alone

I am a coward, more than I can ever share, I am stronger than I ever knew was possible I get anxious over things I cannot control, I rarely worry about things that I can control

I am a cook who loves to order takeout, I love a clean house, I hate cleaning, I complain about not having enough money, I hire people to do all my dirty work

I am a teacher who loves my job, I am a writer who desperately wants to write full time

I am b

Conversation With Jacob

J: Mommy, I have a friend that I can see, but no one else can.

b: Oh? You have an imaginary friend?

J: Yes, an imaginary friend.

b: What does your friend look like?

J: She has a beard and wears earrings.

b: Interesting!

Yes, my son has a cross gendered imaginary friend. How funny is that?

-b

Pictures From Syracuse
(We had an amazing weekend)

On Satuday morning, T, the boys and I went hiking. Yes, hiking! And until the end, when both boys wanted to be carried, we had an absolutely perfect time. Above is the entrance to our trail. Below are the 3 boys hiking together. Notice the walking sticks.

This was the view at the end of our trail. Pretty, isn't it?

I can't figure out how to turn this picture around. But it's the four of us in the parking lot. Decent picture, if only it wasn't sideways.

On Sunday we drove to an apple festival. On the way there we stopped at a fish hatchery. Strangely enough, the boys loved it, and would have spent the whole day there if given the chance. here they are with T's parents.

Below is a picture of Josh on a pony ride at the apple festival. He held a firm grasp on me the whole time, but by the end he was smiling.

Here are the boys
Tired boys (T's sister is in the background)

a cake T's mom made for dessert

-b

Off For The Weekend

We're heading to Syracuse tonight
We'll be back Monday night
There is no Internet
at T's Parents' house
so I won't be checking in
I'll post again on Tuesday
and I'll take lots of pictures
Have a great weekend!

-b

Red Sox Sadness

Joe loved the Red Sox more than any fan I know. He loved them when they were good, and he loved them when they were bad. He loved going to Fenway Park and watching the games while drinking beer, and he loved watching them on our porch while smoking a cigar.

Jacob was born on our 5 year anniversary. The next day was Father's Day; Joe's one and only Father's Day as a father. He dressed Jacob up on a Red Sox onesie and watched the game together from my hospital bed. It was, by all accounts, a perfect day.

I've always thought that the fact that Joe never lived to see the Red Sox win the World Series was one of the cruelest fates for him. Particularly because they won just a few months after he died. He was so close to seeing them win.

Have I shared my world series story here before? I'm too tired and lazy to check. Sorry if this is a repeat.

Jacob was a little over a year old. He was a champion sleeper (still is, knock on wood). When he was that age, he went to sleep at 6:00 on the dot, and stayed asleep until 6:00 the next morning. I can count on one hand the number of times he woke up during the night.

During the very last inning, of the very last game of the world series, Jacob woke up screaming. I ran into his room, scooped him out of his crib and brought him into bed with Josh and me. As a result, we all watched the Red Sox win the world series together as a family.

And I was convinced then, and am convinced now that Joe woke Jacob up, just as he would have if he had been here. I believe that Joe was watching that final inning with us. Sometimes I even believe that Joe had a little something to do with them winning.

I believe

Go Sox

-b

T and Jacob

T took Jacob hiking
this morning
just the two of them
Jacob was excited for it
all week
They had a great time
and T said
he wants to make
it a regular part
of the weekend
I feel so
lucky
I want to write
eharmony
a thank you letter
for introducing me
to my future

-b

Halfway There

I have officially lost 30 pounds!
30 pounds!
30 pounds!
I can't believe it!

Only 30 more to go!

-b

I'm In Love

Tonight at widow group I announced that I was in love. Of course they all knew that I love T, but I think it was the first time that I proclaimed "I am in love." It's a hard thing to admit, and I felt guilty admitting it for some reason. Everyone else is still so in love with their late husbands and while I will always have a special place in my heart for Joe, I am in love with someone new. It feels in some ways like I'm cheating, even though rationally I know I'm not.

When you look at me these days, I think you can see a glow that I haven't had in years. I feel good about myself (I'm down 28 pounds), I love my job again, my kids are doing really well, and I have a man in my life who makes me feel like I am special.

He also makes me feel like my kids are special to him. Tomorrow night is curriculum night at J & J's preschool. I told T that I would be out tonight for widow group and tomorrow night for curriculum night. I asked him if I should get a sitter for one of the two nights so that he could do his own thing. He told me to get a sitter for tomorrow night because he wants to go to curriculum night with me. HE WANTS TO GO TO CURRICULUM NIGHT!

How could I not be in love?

-b

Going a Little Too Green

When T moved in we decided to try to go a little green. We set up our recycling bins for paper and plastic, we got rid of disposable water bottles and bought nalgenes for everyone, we adjusted the length of our showers, and stopped running the faucet while brushing our teeth. We even gave up paper towels and paper napkins. Yes, you read that right. Our house has been paper free since May.

As much as I thought going paperless would be impossible, I have to admit that I was wrong. We use sponges to clean up spills, cloth napkins for meals, and dish towels instead of towels. I wash all of the cloth products with our towel load each week, and am spending much less than I was when we used paper towels for everything.

Last week (on Rosh Hashanah to be precise) our washing machine broke. We opted to buy a new one because ours was so old. We picked out an eco conscious front loader and are so excited for its arrival. Problem is, it won't be arriving for three weeks.

Last week I brought all of our laundry to my sister's house. Today I dropped all of our laundry at a laundromat that will wash, dry and fold for a small fortune.

Next week? Not quite sure. But i think I'll be buying some paper towels to get me through the next three weeks. While I'm all for saving the environment, I'm also all for not creating any more laundry than necessary.

-b

Pictures From NY

-b

Busy Time Of Year

I am not trying to neglect this blog
but this past week was incredibly busy
and this current week
promises to be just as busy

I feel like I'm rushing from
one activity
to the next
and am frustrated
that I haven't had time for the gym

I haven't gained any weight
but I've definitely plateaued
3 weeks now
at the same weight

Things are going well though
I saw my sister and her family
this past weekend in NYC
We went out for dinner
just she and I
and we had such a good time
we celebrated my nephew's 3rd birthday
and I got some great snuggle time with my niece

I have really cute pictures to share
I'll get them up this week

T is doing well
he's as sweet as ever
the boys are happy
both loving school
and my school year
couldn't be going any better

Life is great actually
just really busy
I'm sure you can all relate

miss you

-b

Family Traditions

Tonight marks the beginning of the Jewish New Year
This used to be my favorite holiday
When I was a child
My family would gather
and eat a great meal
cooked by my mother
There was no school, and no work, and always friends visiting

When I got older
the tradition changed just a little
My parents were no longer married
to each other
but my mother continued to cook and bake
my sister would visit from NYC
my brother would show up
we would all eat a big meal together

When I married Joe
the tradition changed
again
We would attend temple with his mother
and have a big meal with his family

When Joe died
I began a new tradition
One day I would visit his family
and the next I would eat with my own family

This year a new tradition will be born
Joe's family isn't speaking to me
and my family isn't acknowledging the holiday
well, my sister is, but she's in NYC
My parents, and brother are both working

T is working as well
I told him tonight that I was depressed that
the holiday I used to love so much
is being ignored
and that the boys and I
will be all alone

He asked me what I wished was happening
and I couldn't answer him
I don't even know
I just want to be surrounded by people that I love
I guess

Tomorrow morning I will take the boys
to temple
and then we will spend the day baking and cooking
and when T gets home from work
a day he promises to take off in the future
we will eat a big meal as a family
he reminded me tonight that we are a family
and we are starting a new tradition

Happy New Year
May it be filled with sweetness

-b

Girl's Night Out

Last night I took part in a fabulous girl's night out. It took place at JRowe's house, and was filled with friends, wine, food, and gossip. What could be better? This morning I had a cool realization. The whole night we never once talked about our kids, yet we were all moms. I love that a group of moms could hang out all night and find topics other than our kids to talk about. Thanks, Jenn!

As an aside, a gigantic congratulations to K from Texas. She got engaged this weekend! K is a fellow widow who also lost her husband while pregnant. I was lucky enough to meet her in person two years ago, and have been even luckier to have her still in my life, and have been able to visit with her three times since our first meeting. K, I am beyond ecstatic for you. You deserve this happiness, and I can't wait to meet Mr. Wonderful. BTW, they just bought a new house together, and she now has to sell her amazing dream house in Austin. Any readers looking to buy?

-b

Why We Will Never Be The Brady Bunch
(or any other happily blended family that never seem to remember that there was another parent at one point)

So T decided to have a "talk" with the boys about the idea of him marrying me and becoming their father on the ground (as opposed to their father in the sky.)

No, we are NOT yet engaged, but it's coming. It's really coming!

Anyways, T sat the boys down on the couch and told them that he wants to become their father. He asked them if that was OK with them.

Josh jumped up, ran over to hug T and said, "Yes! You can be my daddy, you can be my daddy!"

Jacob got a smile on his face. We asked him if it was OK with him.

"No," he replied. "But you can be my corn daddy."

"Your corn daddy?" we asked. "What is that?"

"A corn daddy is someone who eats corn, and poops out corn babies!"

hmmm. I assured T that this is Jacob's way of processing the news, but really, how does he come up with such responses?

1st day of school pics

-b

A Card

T gave me a card today

A going back to school card
with a handwritten poem inside

I love this man
he treats me
the way I deserve
to be treated

And I like to think
that I do the same
to him

School, by the way
was great
I have an amazing class
and Patrick is with me
again

This will be a good year
I can feel it

Jacob's appt. is Nov 14th
I guess this means it's not
an emergency?
Or maybe it just means
the neurologist
is extraordinarily busy
I'm hoping for the former

-b

Back To School

Tomorrow I head back
to school
I had an amazing summer
but
I'm ready for an amazing
school year
I'll post back tomorrow with
a Jacob update
Thanks for all your comments
on the previous post

-b

Jacob

How can this little guy possibly have something wrong with him?
His EEG came back abnormal
He very well may have epilepsy

We are meeting with a neurologist at Children's Hospital
to find out more
Please keep him in your thoughts

-b

Guess What I Fit Into?

My Pre-Jacob, post miscarriage clothes! While I was only pregnant for 10 weeks before miscarrying, I managed to gain enough weight for an entire pregnancy. And then after the miscarriage I was depressed and ate. A lot. Then I got pregnant with Jacob, and you know the rest of the story.

So while the clothes that I fit into are not my true pre-pregnancy clothes, they are close! I also went to TJmax to buy some back to school dresses. I didn't want to spend too much money since I plan on losing more, but I love the dresses I bought! They are cute I think. Not just big enough to cover my body, but cute!

Very exciting stuff.

As an aside, I'm feeling super anxious today. Jacob and T had a bit of a falling out this morning, and it has left me feeling uneasy. I know T loves the boys, but I also know that they are a bit of a hurdle in terms of the relationship. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but imagine dating someone with kids when you've never had them. When they act up, I think it's harder for T than it is for me. I think it's harder for guys in general, but even harder when the children aren't yours. I'm rambling I know. Just trying to sort out my anxiety.

Thanks for listening.

-b

The Test

Tomorrow night
I will keep Jacob awake
until 11 PM
And then will wake him
at 5 am Tuesday
The hardest part
will be keeping
him awake
until 12:30!
Wish us luck!

-b

p.s. I have lost 25 pounds! That was my summer goal and I achieved it! Go me!

Random Cuteness

• After getting out of the shower yesterday, I was greeted by Jacob. He looked my naked body up and down, and up and down again. He then said, "Mommy, you look very........odd." "I look odd?" I asked. "You look interesting. Interesting and odd."

• The boys went to the dentist yesterday. Dr. Rebecca gave them a choice of fluoride flavors. Strawberry, cherry, bubblegum, mint, or broccoli. Joshua chose broccoli, and was upset when Dr. Rebecca had told him she had just been kidding. He settled for mint.

-b

A Picture

Some of you have asked for a picture
I am now 22 pounds down
I still have 38 to go
but somehow
that doesn't
feel
as
overwhelming
as
60 did

Here is me yesterday:

-b

Making Working Out Work Out

This summer I have been working out on average 90 minutes per day. I do this at the gym where the boys go to preschool/camp. It's so convenient. I drop the boys off, work out, come home and shower, continue with my day, and pick the boys up.

But I hate the picking up part. While the preschool/gym is close to my work, it is not close to my home. Driving there twice a day is annoying because there's always traffic, and my car goes through gas like there's no tomorrow.

So I've been stressing out about how I'm going to continue working out once school resumes in less than three weeks. (Say it isn't so!) I won't have time to work out before school, and I feel guilty putting the boys in babysitting when I pick them up. They will have been in school from 7:45-3:45, and I just don't think that's fair.

So I was planning on bringing the boys home, playing with them, feeding them, bathing them, and putting them to bed. Then I was going to head back to the gym to work out.

But I know myself. I know that I won't want to drive all the way back to the gym. And there lay my dilemma. How do I continue working out daily once school resumes?

My solution? Join a second gym down the street. A gym that is less than a three minute drive. A gym that offers spinning (my new obsession) every night. A gym that allows me to pay monthly and cancel at any time if it's not working out. A gym that gives me a 20% discount because of my health insurance.

BTW, I have to belong at the first gym in order for the boys to go to preschool there. I know, it's crazy. Hopefully my solution is not crazy.

-b

Tired

This was an exhausting weekend
filled with high highs
and low lows
the latest low was bringing
Josh to the ER tonight
He's fine
but it came after a different low
another parent from our school
died

The highs were
great birthday parties
and an amazing date with T
I think it was my favorite date yet

A low was when Joshua knocked over 6 glass
half gallons of milk
onto the kitchen floor
flooding it with milk
and glass

A high was discovering
that I have lost
20 pounds!

A low was arguing
with a friend

It's been quite the weekend
and I am tired
Goodnight

-b

You Guys Are So Smart

So Jacob is NOT having an MRI
He IS having a sleep deprived EEG
Just like you said he should have
You are smart!

Now I have to figure out how to deprive him
of half his normal night's sleep
and keep him awake until his 12:30 appt

-b

Jacob

"Mama look! I'm ready to go camping!"
"um, ok."

"And Brooklyn is ready too."

-b

Avoiding Temptations




This afternoon
we attended a birthday party
(One of 10 this summer I must add)
that was full of temptations
Pizza, Caesar salad, and ice cream cake
three of my favorite foods
I looked at each one
and firmly told myself
"That is not my food"
I did eat two servings of
fruit salad
It was worth it
I'm down 18 pounds

-b

p.s. the picture is centered when I'm posting, but then shows up on the side. Any idea why? This happened with my spinning post too.

Jacob Update

The EKG showed his heart was fine
after consulting neurologists, however
his pediatrician wants him to have
an MRI to look at his brain
My sister is worried that
the process will be scarier
than it's worth
anyone been through this?
Are children's MRI's the same
as adult MRI's?

Any feedback would be much appreciated

-b

Bridge Collapse

Since becoming a widow, I react to tragedies such as the Minneapolis bridge collapse in a different way than I would have before. I feel such a sense of empathy for those husbands and wives who will never see their partners alive again. I picture the children who will never again be tucked in by their mom or dad. I can feel in my heart, and in my gut, the anxiety of those waiting to hear if their loved one made it.

I also have a different reaction to those that survived. Watching tv this morning while on the elliptical machine, I began to sob. In public I was sobbing, and I didn't care. I was watching the survivors sharing their incredible survival stories, and their stories of being reunited with their families. And I was beyond happy for them, I really was. But I also felt for those newly widows and widowers. I know that they must be wondering why their spouses weren't spared. And I started wondering why certain people die, and others survive.

None of it seems fair. None of it.

-b

The Object of My Affection

You all know how much I love T
You know that he makes me happier than
I ever thought possible
and that
I hope to spend my life with him

but
I have another object of affection
and his name
is Loweded Wookie

Don't be thrown off
by the fact that
he shows his finger up his nose
on his blog

Don't be thrown off
by the fact
that he'd prefer to live
without electricity
and running water

He's actually one of the most
sensitive guys
on the face of the planet
He even sent me
a birthday ecard
last year on my birthday
when I was stood up by NB

He also started Gulliver's Travels
the little bear that's travelling
around the world
trying to make people happy

He started a new blog
and you can find it here
tell him b sent you

-b

Spinning


The secret to my success
(if you can call it that)

I still have a long way to go
about 50 more pounds
but I have gotten off to
a pretty good start
down 17 pounds today

How am I doing it?
I'm eating less
a lot less
and I'm working out more
a lot more

that's it

Today I added a spinning class
to my regime
It was hard
I sweat like I've never sweat before

We supposedly biked for 21 miles
and my butt is super sore
but I loved it
I could feel the weight coming off
and it made me spin harder

can't wait to do it again

-b

EKG Update

I don't have one
The hospital messed up
and forgot to send off
Jacob's EKG
So it has not yet
been read
I'll let you know
when I know

-b

EKG

Do you remember back in January when Jacob passed out?
Well, it happened again two weeks ago. He was eating a Popsicle and complained that it was too cold. I told him to spit it out, but before he could, he passed out and fell off his chair. I picked him up and he let out this guttural sound. I started to call 911, but before I could finish, he had come to. I called his pedi instead, who calmed me down and told me that this happens to some kids. Just to be safe, he is having an ekg today. I will let you know how it goes.

On another note, I've lost 16 pounds!

-b

I Want To Die

No, not me. I have no desire to die. I'm loving life, in fact. Except for this past week when I was pretty sick. I may have had the flu, but if not I had something similar. Fever, chills, achy bones. I think those symptoms led me to take the blog break that I took. Tonight I was walking Brooklyn on m y nightly walk, and had a realization that I was finally feeling better. You know how when you're sick you forget what it feels like to feel well? Is it just me that that happens to? When I'm feeling my worst, I literally can't remember what it feels like to feel well. Anyways, tonight I was walking and realized that I felt well again. And I was so happy. And I thought about the blog, and realized that I have a ton to say!

So back to the title. Jacob has been talking about death lately. In fact he tells me on a daily basis that he wants to die. Why? Because he wants to be with daddy. Of course at four, he has no idea that death is permanent, and I am not worried about him hurting himself. All he knows is daddy is dead, and he wants to see daddy. Therefore, he wants to die.

This makes for a daily heartbreaking talk. At this point I think Jacob says it because he likes the attention he gets for saying it. But I don't ever want to be dismissive of it, ya know? I tell him that when you die you never come back, so he's not allowed to die until he's very very old. I also tell him that daddy is with him in everything he does, even though he can't physically see him.

Any other suggestions?

Taking a Break

I'm not sure how long
I'll be gone for
but I need to take a break
from blogging

While I'm having
a great summer
I don't feel like
I have anything of interest
to share

Does anyone care
that I've lost another 2 pounds?
Because that's all I've got
for you

I am sure that when school
starts up again
I will have plenty to share

But for now
I'm going to say
goodbye

I'll be back
I promise
So please check in
every now and then

Who knows?
Maybe I'll be back next week
all inspired

If T should decide
to propose
this summer
I will be sure to
post it here

I hope you all know
how much you
mean to me

Until later

With love

b

Dear Joshua,

Today you are three years old! How is that even possible? You are a child like no other. You are incredibly funny, with a sense of humor far beyond your age. You love to play with your brother and friends. You love watching construction sites, and think that the school being built down the street is your construction site. You can (and do) name every type of truck you see while we are driving, and you expect (demand) praise for noticing them.

Joshie, you have had a hard time controlling your emotions lately. You have temper tantrums beyond what I have ever experienced with tantrums. Sometimes they last for an entire hour! Hopefully you will find a new way to express your frustrations soon.

You are an amazing snuggler. You love to lie with me and have me sing to you. You have yet to learn that I can't carry a tune. You love to sing as well. You turn regular conversations into songs all the time, and sing at any given opportunity. Today, for example, you sang to the tune of Frere Jaque (No idea how to spell it), "I don't like mommy, I don't like mommy, no I don't, no I don't."

You are a fabulous eater. You eat almost anything presented to you, and you still want more. You love fruit more than sweets, and choose yogurt over chocolate. Clearly, I have no influence over you!

Josh, you bring such joy to everyone who meets you. You are a singer, a dancer, a dump truck driver, a friend, a comic, a snuggler, a dog walker, a climber, a bike rider, a puzzle solver, a smiler, an amazing little boy.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Joshua!

love,
Mommy

Life

This summer is moving too quickly
I'm loving it
More than you can imagine

I've lost 8 pounds
according to weight watchers
but 10 pounds
according to my scale

My days are relaxing
but I'm working out hard

Life with T
is mostly good
We are both adjusting to
so much together time

The boys are loving camp
but not loving
swimming lessons

My sister spent the weekend here
and will be back on Friday
for another weekend

Next Wednesday
will be spent at Owen's pool
Anyone want to join me?

-b

Ingredients for a Perfect Pirate Party

1 amazing birthday cake
2 types of of delicious barbecued food and 6 side dishes

1 pool borrowed from Chris (Thanks Chris!) big enough for all the kids, with a pirate plank attached to it.

2 cute pirates (only one is pictured here)

1 adorable niece held by my sister1 sleeping nephew
9 types of alcohol


1 amazing friend who is willing to dress like, speak like, and act like a pirate all day long to the delight of all the party goers

This was quite the party. A huge thank you to all who came and all who helped plan and execute.

-b

Advice Needed

J & J are having their birthday party this weekend. The party has a pirate theme. It's going to be great because I have an amazing birthday party planner (mel!) There are going to be lots of pirate activities including a treasure hunt.

As you know, the boys started camp last week. They have both made some new friends and Jacob has become very good friends with a little girl. He keeps asking me to invite this little girl to the party, and I'm all for it.

But there is one problem.

This little girl has something wrong with her eye. She wears an eye patch over it.

Will it be an insult to invite her to a pirate party where we are giving out pretend eye patches? Or will she be excited to see everyone else wearing one too? And do I tell her mom in advance, or let her find out upon arrival?

See my dilemma? Thoughts? Opinions? Is anyone still here?

-b

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JRowe!

Writing

My writing group officially ended last Wednesday, but we all enjoyed it so much, we are going to continue meeting on our own at our homes. I'm so happy about this because I have loved writing group! This is also giving me a chance to keep working on my story while gaining valuable feedback. One suggestion my group had for me was to write all in the present tense instead of the past tense. So I am trying that, but am finding that there is a ridiculous amount of dialogue involved, and am not so sure how exciting dialogue is to read. So we'll see.

That's all I've got for now. Dinner went well. Everyone got along. I stuck to my diet. Life is still good.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

love,
b

Quick Update

We're having a great visit with T's parents. It's been fun, and the boys have been thrilled with all the attention they've been receiving.

I've lost 7 pounds since last Monday! Holy crap! I've been doing weight watchers, and working out with a personal trainer. It feels so good to see those numbers dropping each day, and I have the motivation that I need to keep it up.

Life is good....

-b

Guess Who's Coming For a Weekend Visit?

T's Parents!
They arrive tomorrow afternoon
They leave Sunday afternoon
They are staying in our house
Oh boy!

Oh, and we're all (no kids) haveing dinner at my parents' house Saturday night
That should be interesting
Wish me luck!

-b

Gotta Love Jacob

Scene: kitchen floor, everyone is putting on shoes for the day.

Jacob:Mommy, why are you putting on sneakers?

me: Because I'm going to the gym.

J: Why are you going to the gym?

me: Because I want to get in shape.

J: (lips quivering, tears rolling) But Momma, what shape will you be?

-b

Ugh

Were you getting sick of all my happy posts? Well then, you're in luck. After a really great weekend, including eating freshly caught by T lobsters for dinner last night (he has a lobster license), I decided to step on the scale this morning.

My first personal training workout is this morning, and I'm starting weight watchers this week, so I thought it was time to see for myself how fat I really am.

I am not going to share with you what I weigh. But I will tell you that I weigh more than I did 9 months pregnant. Ugh. How did I let this happen? I feel like I have so much to lose it's almost not worth trying. Ugh.

-b

Vacation So Far....

Yesterday we had a great visit from my friend Nikki, and her two daughters. We had a mock birthday party for the boys since they (along with everyone) will be away when the real party occurs. They even brought cupcakes for dessert. When it was time to light the candles and sing happy birthday, Josh asked "What about party hats?" So they made party hats.

Today we went to a strawberry festival with a group of friends. It felt like apple picking weather. It was just perfect. Here are some pictures:

Tonight is Girls Night Out in honor of JRowe's return to the Boston area. I volunteered to be the driver so that I won't have a repeat of the other night! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

-b

Summer Vacation Has Officially Begun!

and I'm already hungover
this is not a good start..

-b

edited for clarification: It was a perfect way to end the school year. Our school knows how to throw a party like no other. But perhaps I should not have had 8 shots? Or maybe cut back on the 4 margaritas? Because it is hard to be productive today, and I had many goals that are not getting met. But it was a fun party.

With Summer Here, How Shall I spend My Time?

With school ending tomorrow at 12:05 pm, you may be wondering what my summer plans are. Be prepared to be jealous. Yes, you just might actually feel a twang of jealousy when you read what I have in store for myself.

The boys are going to be attending day camp. I know, I know, they are a little young for day camp. But It's part of their preschool. It's cheaper for me to send them to the year round program, instead of the school year program. So since I'm paying for them to go during the summer, they will be going during the summer.

They will be gone from 8-4 Monday-Friday. I know. You're feeling a little jealous, aren't you? Now before you accuse me of being a bad mom, the boys are going to love camp. They have swimming lessons every day, nature, music, art, etc. They will be with friends, and will be getting exercise. It's good for them.

As for me, I am beyond excited to have 8 weeks of days to myself. The preschool is at a local JCC, so after I drop the boys off, I am going to work out at the gym. I've even scheduled 4 personal training sessions to get me started. (The 4 sessions are free)

Once I get home from the gym, I will shower, straighten up the house, and write. I will hopefully get in an hour or two of writing a day.

After I pick the boys up, we'll play with our neighborhood friends, takes baths, have dinner, and take our nightly walk with the dog.

This is my plan. I know. You're jealous. It's OK. :O)

-b

I made it...

This was the most challenging school year of my 10 year career. These kids tested me every chance they got. They questioned my every direction, and interrupted my every word. Some students chose to speak only in bird, or cat. Some refused to budge from fetal position on the rug. Some took up belching as a pastime.

This class made me cry almost nightly in frustration for the first 5 months of school. They frustrated me to the point of feeling like quitting. They made me turn into a teacher who yells, and threatens.

Why is it then, that I am tearing up thinking of saying goodbye to this crew? Strangely enough, I have grown to love them. Even stranger, I will actually miss them. All of them. Even "bird girl."

Go figure.

-b

The Card

The card went over well
it was one of those
"Like a father" cards

You know,
thanks for being
"like a father to me"

and I asked j&J
what they liked most about T
and wrote down their answers
(pretty funny ones)

I had the card sitting on T's pillow when he came in the
room from taking a shower

He read it
and I said
"Happy Like A Father's Day!"

He responded,
"we need to remedy the like part"

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day

Last year on Father's Day
T and I had a bad date
It wasn't a deal breaking disaster
obviously
but it was bad
and awkward and frustrating
all mixed in as one

This year on Father's Day
the moving truck
will be bringing all of
T's belongings
and we will have a
celebratory dinner

I even went against a
poll I took
on another website
and I bought t
a card
it won't scare him away

-b

Dear Jacob,

Tomorrow you will be four years old! Your short life has been so full of chaos and sadness, and for that I am so sorry. Despite all that you've been through in your short life, you have turned into a wonderful person.

Jacob, you have an amazing sense of humor. You crack yourself up all day long, and you crack Joshua and me up too. You have a smile that can light up a room, and a pout that makes me give in way too often.

You ask me questions that I have no idea how to answer. Two weeks ago you asked me, in a serious voice, "Where exactly IS Humpty Dumpty's wall?" You ask me questions about nature and weather all the time, and are curious about everything you come into contact with.

You are such a great brother. Today you received two birthday cards in the mail, and you gave one to Josh to open, because "That is fair." You love to do everything with your little brother, and are his best friend. I love watching you teach him things you have learned, and watching you cheering him on.

This year was your first year being separated from Josh, and it was hard for you at first. You used to cry every day when I dropped you off for school. Not a sobbing cry, but the silent cry with tears rolling down your face, and a quivering lip. I hated leaving you, and would cry myself as I drove to work, but I knew that it was the best thing for you. You have become an independent thinker this year. You have grown to love school, made many friends, and tried so many things.

You are a baseball player, a dancer, a singer, a joke teller, a reader, a writer, an artist, a storyteller, a snuggler, a student, a teacher, a magician, a friend.

You, Jacob, are a remarkable little boy, and I am so proud to be your mother.

Happy Birthday. May this year be your best year yet.

Love,
Mom

Painting With T

priming
painting
singing
laughing
talking
sharing
dancing
joking
resting
eating
planning


Mason Jennings
playing over the speakers
"Be here now"

There really is
no other place
I'd rather be

-b

Busy!

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been busier than ever, and haven't been on the computer for days! (*Gasp!*) What have I been doing? Well, for one, I've been trying to spend quality time at night with T, sans computer. Being a computer addict, this is a hard task. But last night I sat down and watched an entire movie without checking my email, or this bog, or a website that I spend way too much time on.

It helped that the movie was in Spanish, and so I had to read the subtitles to know what was going on. (It always amazes me how much prettier other languages sound. English sounds so crass, and Spanish was just so beautiful to listen to.) It also helped that the movie was beyond amazing. It was called, "Pan's Labyrinths," and if you haven't seen it, you must! It made my top ten list. JRowe, and MK, you two in particular would love it, I think.

We've also been painting the basement. T moves in next weekend, and all of his stuff is going down there. We're making it into a guest suite, which will be nice when either of our families come to visit. It's been a while since I painted, and I'm not very good at it, but we've been having a ton of fun working on it together. Last night T told me that while he was painting he was thinking about how lucky he was to have me in his life. I asked him why, and he gave me about 7 reasons, one of which was that we work so well together. And it's true. We are are a really good team.

I've also been working on my memoir. I got some amazing feedback from my writer's group. I can't wait to go back on Wednesday. I have something school related every night this week, plus Jacob turns four on Thursday.

I'll try to post when I get a chance. But it may be a few days. Miss you all!

-b

Talk About Timing

Have I told you that a few weeks ago T accepted a new job nearby?
This job won't involve any travelling
which we have both had some mixed feelings about

But it's for an amazing company
that is always written up
as one of the top ten companies
to work for around here

and it's a great position
and he will be here
a lot more

Well, he gave his notice two weeks ago
and guess what he found out today?

In two weeks he was going to be laid off
along with everyone else!

How's that for amazing timing?

-b

Quick Update

Tonight was amazing
better than I could
have hoped for

Thanks for all your support!

-b

Anxious

I am anxious
as in
feel like I'm going to puke
anxious

Is it the workshop
that starts tomorrow
that I really want to back out of
but won't because Melanie will kick my butt?

It could be
I've seen the writing the other writers
are working on
mine is inferior
by far

I'm not saying that so you can tell
me how great my writing is
I'm saying that because it's true
my writing looks like
whining by a five year old
don't deny it

Am I anxious because
it's the end of the school year
and there are about
one million things that
I need to get done
in the next ten days?

It could be
I never handle the end of the year
very well

Am I anxious because
T is moving in
and he's talking about all
of the changes we're going to
make to the house
and it's freaking me out
but I don't want to tell him
that it's freaking me out?

It could be that
as well.

Maybe it's something else entirely

-b

A Very Busy, Yet very Wonderful Weekend

My graduation dinner was perfect. The food was unbelievable, the never ending wine was delicious, and the company was superb. I really felt blessed sitting at the table with a group of people who really helped me get through grad school. Each person at that table was responsible in some way for me completing my degree. They either gave me money to pay for classes, offered babysitting so I could go to classes, offered emotional support and encouragement, or all of the above. I am eternally grateful to all who who there, as well as to a few (like my sister) who could not make it.
Here is a picture:

Mel, her husband, my brother, my sister-in-law, my parents, Joe's cousin, T, and me

Today we packed up T's apartment! He's really moving in! I couldn't be any happier about it. Once all the boxes were packed, we danced to a u2 song playing on T's ipod speakers. It was a perfect moment.

T in his packed up apartment. So so cute.

-b

Graduation Dinner

I'm off to celebrate my graduation
at my favorite restaurant
with some of my
favorite people
T brought me the most perfect
white roses
and told me that I look
beautiful
It should be a lovely night

-b

Jacob Got married!

While playing with his best friend (Mel's daughter), he was proposed to. The happy couple couldn't wait for a proper service, so the got married in Mel's apartment. They even remembered to kiss. And yes, Jacob does have fairy wings on. He was "Prince Jacob the Butterfly." (Don't ask)

-b

I Got In!

The workshop starts next Wednesday.
Now I'm nervous!
Wish me luck!

-b