T and Jacob

T took Jacob hiking
this morning
just the two of them
Jacob was excited for it
all week
They had a great time
and T said
he wants to make
it a regular part
of the weekend
I feel so
lucky
I want to write
eharmony
a thank you letter
for introducing me
to my future

-b

Halfway There

I have officially lost 30 pounds!
30 pounds!
30 pounds!
I can't believe it!

Only 30 more to go!

-b

I'm In Love

Tonight at widow group I announced that I was in love. Of course they all knew that I love T, but I think it was the first time that I proclaimed "I am in love." It's a hard thing to admit, and I felt guilty admitting it for some reason. Everyone else is still so in love with their late husbands and while I will always have a special place in my heart for Joe, I am in love with someone new. It feels in some ways like I'm cheating, even though rationally I know I'm not.

When you look at me these days, I think you can see a glow that I haven't had in years. I feel good about myself (I'm down 28 pounds), I love my job again, my kids are doing really well, and I have a man in my life who makes me feel like I am special.

He also makes me feel like my kids are special to him. Tomorrow night is curriculum night at J & J's preschool. I told T that I would be out tonight for widow group and tomorrow night for curriculum night. I asked him if I should get a sitter for one of the two nights so that he could do his own thing. He told me to get a sitter for tomorrow night because he wants to go to curriculum night with me. HE WANTS TO GO TO CURRICULUM NIGHT!

How could I not be in love?

-b

Going a Little Too Green

When T moved in we decided to try to go a little green. We set up our recycling bins for paper and plastic, we got rid of disposable water bottles and bought nalgenes for everyone, we adjusted the length of our showers, and stopped running the faucet while brushing our teeth. We even gave up paper towels and paper napkins. Yes, you read that right. Our house has been paper free since May.

As much as I thought going paperless would be impossible, I have to admit that I was wrong. We use sponges to clean up spills, cloth napkins for meals, and dish towels instead of towels. I wash all of the cloth products with our towel load each week, and am spending much less than I was when we used paper towels for everything.

Last week (on Rosh Hashanah to be precise) our washing machine broke. We opted to buy a new one because ours was so old. We picked out an eco conscious front loader and are so excited for its arrival. Problem is, it won't be arriving for three weeks.

Last week I brought all of our laundry to my sister's house. Today I dropped all of our laundry at a laundromat that will wash, dry and fold for a small fortune.

Next week? Not quite sure. But i think I'll be buying some paper towels to get me through the next three weeks. While I'm all for saving the environment, I'm also all for not creating any more laundry than necessary.

-b

Pictures From NY

-b

Busy Time Of Year

I am not trying to neglect this blog
but this past week was incredibly busy
and this current week
promises to be just as busy

I feel like I'm rushing from
one activity
to the next
and am frustrated
that I haven't had time for the gym

I haven't gained any weight
but I've definitely plateaued
3 weeks now
at the same weight

Things are going well though
I saw my sister and her family
this past weekend in NYC
We went out for dinner
just she and I
and we had such a good time
we celebrated my nephew's 3rd birthday
and I got some great snuggle time with my niece

I have really cute pictures to share
I'll get them up this week

T is doing well
he's as sweet as ever
the boys are happy
both loving school
and my school year
couldn't be going any better

Life is great actually
just really busy
I'm sure you can all relate

miss you

-b

Family Traditions

Tonight marks the beginning of the Jewish New Year
This used to be my favorite holiday
When I was a child
My family would gather
and eat a great meal
cooked by my mother
There was no school, and no work, and always friends visiting

When I got older
the tradition changed just a little
My parents were no longer married
to each other
but my mother continued to cook and bake
my sister would visit from NYC
my brother would show up
we would all eat a big meal together

When I married Joe
the tradition changed
again
We would attend temple with his mother
and have a big meal with his family

When Joe died
I began a new tradition
One day I would visit his family
and the next I would eat with my own family

This year a new tradition will be born
Joe's family isn't speaking to me
and my family isn't acknowledging the holiday
well, my sister is, but she's in NYC
My parents, and brother are both working

T is working as well
I told him tonight that I was depressed that
the holiday I used to love so much
is being ignored
and that the boys and I
will be all alone

He asked me what I wished was happening
and I couldn't answer him
I don't even know
I just want to be surrounded by people that I love
I guess

Tomorrow morning I will take the boys
to temple
and then we will spend the day baking and cooking
and when T gets home from work
a day he promises to take off in the future
we will eat a big meal as a family
he reminded me tonight that we are a family
and we are starting a new tradition

Happy New Year
May it be filled with sweetness

-b

Girl's Night Out

Last night I took part in a fabulous girl's night out. It took place at JRowe's house, and was filled with friends, wine, food, and gossip. What could be better? This morning I had a cool realization. The whole night we never once talked about our kids, yet we were all moms. I love that a group of moms could hang out all night and find topics other than our kids to talk about. Thanks, Jenn!

As an aside, a gigantic congratulations to K from Texas. She got engaged this weekend! K is a fellow widow who also lost her husband while pregnant. I was lucky enough to meet her in person two years ago, and have been even luckier to have her still in my life, and have been able to visit with her three times since our first meeting. K, I am beyond ecstatic for you. You deserve this happiness, and I can't wait to meet Mr. Wonderful. BTW, they just bought a new house together, and she now has to sell her amazing dream house in Austin. Any readers looking to buy?

-b

Why We Will Never Be The Brady Bunch
(or any other happily blended family that never seem to remember that there was another parent at one point)

So T decided to have a "talk" with the boys about the idea of him marrying me and becoming their father on the ground (as opposed to their father in the sky.)

No, we are NOT yet engaged, but it's coming. It's really coming!

Anyways, T sat the boys down on the couch and told them that he wants to become their father. He asked them if that was OK with them.

Josh jumped up, ran over to hug T and said, "Yes! You can be my daddy, you can be my daddy!"

Jacob got a smile on his face. We asked him if it was OK with him.

"No," he replied. "But you can be my corn daddy."

"Your corn daddy?" we asked. "What is that?"

"A corn daddy is someone who eats corn, and poops out corn babies!"

hmmm. I assured T that this is Jacob's way of processing the news, but really, how does he come up with such responses?

1st day of school pics

-b

A Card

T gave me a card today

A going back to school card
with a handwritten poem inside

I love this man
he treats me
the way I deserve
to be treated

And I like to think
that I do the same
to him

School, by the way
was great
I have an amazing class
and Patrick is with me
again

This will be a good year
I can feel it

Jacob's appt. is Nov 14th
I guess this means it's not
an emergency?
Or maybe it just means
the neurologist
is extraordinarily busy
I'm hoping for the former

-b

Back To School

Tomorrow I head back
to school
I had an amazing summer
but
I'm ready for an amazing
school year
I'll post back tomorrow with
a Jacob update
Thanks for all your comments
on the previous post

-b

Jacob

How can this little guy possibly have something wrong with him?
His EEG came back abnormal
He very well may have epilepsy

We are meeting with a neurologist at Children's Hospital
to find out more
Please keep him in your thoughts

-b

Guess What I Fit Into?

My Pre-Jacob, post miscarriage clothes! While I was only pregnant for 10 weeks before miscarrying, I managed to gain enough weight for an entire pregnancy. And then after the miscarriage I was depressed and ate. A lot. Then I got pregnant with Jacob, and you know the rest of the story.

So while the clothes that I fit into are not my true pre-pregnancy clothes, they are close! I also went to TJmax to buy some back to school dresses. I didn't want to spend too much money since I plan on losing more, but I love the dresses I bought! They are cute I think. Not just big enough to cover my body, but cute!

Very exciting stuff.

As an aside, I'm feeling super anxious today. Jacob and T had a bit of a falling out this morning, and it has left me feeling uneasy. I know T loves the boys, but I also know that they are a bit of a hurdle in terms of the relationship. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but imagine dating someone with kids when you've never had them. When they act up, I think it's harder for T than it is for me. I think it's harder for guys in general, but even harder when the children aren't yours. I'm rambling I know. Just trying to sort out my anxiety.

Thanks for listening.

-b

The Test

Tomorrow night
I will keep Jacob awake
until 11 PM
And then will wake him
at 5 am Tuesday
The hardest part
will be keeping
him awake
until 12:30!
Wish us luck!

-b

p.s. I have lost 25 pounds! That was my summer goal and I achieved it! Go me!

Random Cuteness

• After getting out of the shower yesterday, I was greeted by Jacob. He looked my naked body up and down, and up and down again. He then said, "Mommy, you look very........odd." "I look odd?" I asked. "You look interesting. Interesting and odd."

• The boys went to the dentist yesterday. Dr. Rebecca gave them a choice of fluoride flavors. Strawberry, cherry, bubblegum, mint, or broccoli. Joshua chose broccoli, and was upset when Dr. Rebecca had told him she had just been kidding. He settled for mint.

-b

A Picture

Some of you have asked for a picture
I am now 22 pounds down
I still have 38 to go
but somehow
that doesn't
feel
as
overwhelming
as
60 did

Here is me yesterday:

-b

Making Working Out Work Out

This summer I have been working out on average 90 minutes per day. I do this at the gym where the boys go to preschool/camp. It's so convenient. I drop the boys off, work out, come home and shower, continue with my day, and pick the boys up.

But I hate the picking up part. While the preschool/gym is close to my work, it is not close to my home. Driving there twice a day is annoying because there's always traffic, and my car goes through gas like there's no tomorrow.

So I've been stressing out about how I'm going to continue working out once school resumes in less than three weeks. (Say it isn't so!) I won't have time to work out before school, and I feel guilty putting the boys in babysitting when I pick them up. They will have been in school from 7:45-3:45, and I just don't think that's fair.

So I was planning on bringing the boys home, playing with them, feeding them, bathing them, and putting them to bed. Then I was going to head back to the gym to work out.

But I know myself. I know that I won't want to drive all the way back to the gym. And there lay my dilemma. How do I continue working out daily once school resumes?

My solution? Join a second gym down the street. A gym that is less than a three minute drive. A gym that offers spinning (my new obsession) every night. A gym that allows me to pay monthly and cancel at any time if it's not working out. A gym that gives me a 20% discount because of my health insurance.

BTW, I have to belong at the first gym in order for the boys to go to preschool there. I know, it's crazy. Hopefully my solution is not crazy.

-b

Tired

This was an exhausting weekend
filled with high highs
and low lows
the latest low was bringing
Josh to the ER tonight
He's fine
but it came after a different low
another parent from our school
died

The highs were
great birthday parties
and an amazing date with T
I think it was my favorite date yet

A low was when Joshua knocked over 6 glass
half gallons of milk
onto the kitchen floor
flooding it with milk
and glass

A high was discovering
that I have lost
20 pounds!

A low was arguing
with a friend

It's been quite the weekend
and I am tired
Goodnight

-b

You Guys Are So Smart

So Jacob is NOT having an MRI
He IS having a sleep deprived EEG
Just like you said he should have
You are smart!

Now I have to figure out how to deprive him
of half his normal night's sleep
and keep him awake until his 12:30 appt

-b