Engaged

I am not yet engaged
and to be honest
I have no idea when
and if
it will happen
He says it will happen
he talks about our future
he talks about our wedding
but
we are not yet engaged
and it's driving me
CRAZY
I need to relax
yes I know that
yes my friends have all
told me that
but it's hard
do you remember
this feeling?
I remember it
I hated it 11 years ago
and I hate it even more
now
I just want to know that my
future will be with him
although I of all people
know that an engagement does not
secure a future with anyone
PROPOSE ALREADY!
Maybe I should turn off wedding Day on WE

-b

Eh

Haven't felt like blogging this week
Thanks for the concern earlier
I am fine
but need to consult a surgeon
next week
I've been tired
so so very tired
and moody
and anxious
and just kind of icky
next week will be better
right?

-b

Ouch!

I had unexpeted surgery today
It hurt a lot
am home now
enjoying my vicodin
maybe I'll even go take a nap

Thanks Mel for holding my hand while I cried like a baby on the operating table
Thanks Patrick for taking over teaching duties with no warning
Thanks readers for caring

mmmm vicodin

-b

Who Am I?

I am happy, sad, moody, upbeat, full of life, full of despair, optimistic, pessimistic, nervous, confident, skinny, fat, and bloated

I am the nicest person you've ever met, the sneakiest bitch on the block, someone who loves to laugh, someone who cries when a voice is raised at her, someone who raises spirits, someone who pisses others off

I am a widow who misses her husband, I am a girlfriend who is completely in love, I am a mother who dotes on her children, I am a woman who loves being alone

I am a coward, more than I can ever share, I am stronger than I ever knew was possible I get anxious over things I cannot control, I rarely worry about things that I can control

I am a cook who loves to order takeout, I love a clean house, I hate cleaning, I complain about not having enough money, I hire people to do all my dirty work

I am a teacher who loves my job, I am a writer who desperately wants to write full time

I am b

Conversation With Jacob

J: Mommy, I have a friend that I can see, but no one else can.

b: Oh? You have an imaginary friend?

J: Yes, an imaginary friend.

b: What does your friend look like?

J: She has a beard and wears earrings.

b: Interesting!

Yes, my son has a cross gendered imaginary friend. How funny is that?

-b

Pictures From Syracuse
(We had an amazing weekend)

On Satuday morning, T, the boys and I went hiking. Yes, hiking! And until the end, when both boys wanted to be carried, we had an absolutely perfect time. Above is the entrance to our trail. Below are the 3 boys hiking together. Notice the walking sticks.

This was the view at the end of our trail. Pretty, isn't it?

I can't figure out how to turn this picture around. But it's the four of us in the parking lot. Decent picture, if only it wasn't sideways.

On Sunday we drove to an apple festival. On the way there we stopped at a fish hatchery. Strangely enough, the boys loved it, and would have spent the whole day there if given the chance. here they are with T's parents.

Below is a picture of Josh on a pony ride at the apple festival. He held a firm grasp on me the whole time, but by the end he was smiling.

Here are the boys
Tired boys (T's sister is in the background)

a cake T's mom made for dessert

-b

Off For The Weekend

We're heading to Syracuse tonight
We'll be back Monday night
There is no Internet
at T's Parents' house
so I won't be checking in
I'll post again on Tuesday
and I'll take lots of pictures
Have a great weekend!

-b

Red Sox Sadness

Joe loved the Red Sox more than any fan I know. He loved them when they were good, and he loved them when they were bad. He loved going to Fenway Park and watching the games while drinking beer, and he loved watching them on our porch while smoking a cigar.

Jacob was born on our 5 year anniversary. The next day was Father's Day; Joe's one and only Father's Day as a father. He dressed Jacob up on a Red Sox onesie and watched the game together from my hospital bed. It was, by all accounts, a perfect day.

I've always thought that the fact that Joe never lived to see the Red Sox win the World Series was one of the cruelest fates for him. Particularly because they won just a few months after he died. He was so close to seeing them win.

Have I shared my world series story here before? I'm too tired and lazy to check. Sorry if this is a repeat.

Jacob was a little over a year old. He was a champion sleeper (still is, knock on wood). When he was that age, he went to sleep at 6:00 on the dot, and stayed asleep until 6:00 the next morning. I can count on one hand the number of times he woke up during the night.

During the very last inning, of the very last game of the world series, Jacob woke up screaming. I ran into his room, scooped him out of his crib and brought him into bed with Josh and me. As a result, we all watched the Red Sox win the world series together as a family.

And I was convinced then, and am convinced now that Joe woke Jacob up, just as he would have if he had been here. I believe that Joe was watching that final inning with us. Sometimes I even believe that Joe had a little something to do with them winning.

I believe

Go Sox

-b

T and Jacob

T took Jacob hiking
this morning
just the two of them
Jacob was excited for it
all week
They had a great time
and T said
he wants to make
it a regular part
of the weekend
I feel so
lucky
I want to write
eharmony
a thank you letter
for introducing me
to my future

-b

Halfway There

I have officially lost 30 pounds!
30 pounds!
30 pounds!
I can't believe it!

Only 30 more to go!

-b

I'm In Love

Tonight at widow group I announced that I was in love. Of course they all knew that I love T, but I think it was the first time that I proclaimed "I am in love." It's a hard thing to admit, and I felt guilty admitting it for some reason. Everyone else is still so in love with their late husbands and while I will always have a special place in my heart for Joe, I am in love with someone new. It feels in some ways like I'm cheating, even though rationally I know I'm not.

When you look at me these days, I think you can see a glow that I haven't had in years. I feel good about myself (I'm down 28 pounds), I love my job again, my kids are doing really well, and I have a man in my life who makes me feel like I am special.

He also makes me feel like my kids are special to him. Tomorrow night is curriculum night at J & J's preschool. I told T that I would be out tonight for widow group and tomorrow night for curriculum night. I asked him if I should get a sitter for one of the two nights so that he could do his own thing. He told me to get a sitter for tomorrow night because he wants to go to curriculum night with me. HE WANTS TO GO TO CURRICULUM NIGHT!

How could I not be in love?

-b

Going a Little Too Green

When T moved in we decided to try to go a little green. We set up our recycling bins for paper and plastic, we got rid of disposable water bottles and bought nalgenes for everyone, we adjusted the length of our showers, and stopped running the faucet while brushing our teeth. We even gave up paper towels and paper napkins. Yes, you read that right. Our house has been paper free since May.

As much as I thought going paperless would be impossible, I have to admit that I was wrong. We use sponges to clean up spills, cloth napkins for meals, and dish towels instead of towels. I wash all of the cloth products with our towel load each week, and am spending much less than I was when we used paper towels for everything.

Last week (on Rosh Hashanah to be precise) our washing machine broke. We opted to buy a new one because ours was so old. We picked out an eco conscious front loader and are so excited for its arrival. Problem is, it won't be arriving for three weeks.

Last week I brought all of our laundry to my sister's house. Today I dropped all of our laundry at a laundromat that will wash, dry and fold for a small fortune.

Next week? Not quite sure. But i think I'll be buying some paper towels to get me through the next three weeks. While I'm all for saving the environment, I'm also all for not creating any more laundry than necessary.

-b

Pictures From NY

-b

Busy Time Of Year

I am not trying to neglect this blog
but this past week was incredibly busy
and this current week
promises to be just as busy

I feel like I'm rushing from
one activity
to the next
and am frustrated
that I haven't had time for the gym

I haven't gained any weight
but I've definitely plateaued
3 weeks now
at the same weight

Things are going well though
I saw my sister and her family
this past weekend in NYC
We went out for dinner
just she and I
and we had such a good time
we celebrated my nephew's 3rd birthday
and I got some great snuggle time with my niece

I have really cute pictures to share
I'll get them up this week

T is doing well
he's as sweet as ever
the boys are happy
both loving school
and my school year
couldn't be going any better

Life is great actually
just really busy
I'm sure you can all relate

miss you

-b

Family Traditions

Tonight marks the beginning of the Jewish New Year
This used to be my favorite holiday
When I was a child
My family would gather
and eat a great meal
cooked by my mother
There was no school, and no work, and always friends visiting

When I got older
the tradition changed just a little
My parents were no longer married
to each other
but my mother continued to cook and bake
my sister would visit from NYC
my brother would show up
we would all eat a big meal together

When I married Joe
the tradition changed
again
We would attend temple with his mother
and have a big meal with his family

When Joe died
I began a new tradition
One day I would visit his family
and the next I would eat with my own family

This year a new tradition will be born
Joe's family isn't speaking to me
and my family isn't acknowledging the holiday
well, my sister is, but she's in NYC
My parents, and brother are both working

T is working as well
I told him tonight that I was depressed that
the holiday I used to love so much
is being ignored
and that the boys and I
will be all alone

He asked me what I wished was happening
and I couldn't answer him
I don't even know
I just want to be surrounded by people that I love
I guess

Tomorrow morning I will take the boys
to temple
and then we will spend the day baking and cooking
and when T gets home from work
a day he promises to take off in the future
we will eat a big meal as a family
he reminded me tonight that we are a family
and we are starting a new tradition

Happy New Year
May it be filled with sweetness

-b

Girl's Night Out

Last night I took part in a fabulous girl's night out. It took place at JRowe's house, and was filled with friends, wine, food, and gossip. What could be better? This morning I had a cool realization. The whole night we never once talked about our kids, yet we were all moms. I love that a group of moms could hang out all night and find topics other than our kids to talk about. Thanks, Jenn!

As an aside, a gigantic congratulations to K from Texas. She got engaged this weekend! K is a fellow widow who also lost her husband while pregnant. I was lucky enough to meet her in person two years ago, and have been even luckier to have her still in my life, and have been able to visit with her three times since our first meeting. K, I am beyond ecstatic for you. You deserve this happiness, and I can't wait to meet Mr. Wonderful. BTW, they just bought a new house together, and she now has to sell her amazing dream house in Austin. Any readers looking to buy?

-b

Why We Will Never Be The Brady Bunch
(or any other happily blended family that never seem to remember that there was another parent at one point)

So T decided to have a "talk" with the boys about the idea of him marrying me and becoming their father on the ground (as opposed to their father in the sky.)

No, we are NOT yet engaged, but it's coming. It's really coming!

Anyways, T sat the boys down on the couch and told them that he wants to become their father. He asked them if that was OK with them.

Josh jumped up, ran over to hug T and said, "Yes! You can be my daddy, you can be my daddy!"

Jacob got a smile on his face. We asked him if it was OK with him.

"No," he replied. "But you can be my corn daddy."

"Your corn daddy?" we asked. "What is that?"

"A corn daddy is someone who eats corn, and poops out corn babies!"

hmmm. I assured T that this is Jacob's way of processing the news, but really, how does he come up with such responses?

1st day of school pics

-b

A Card

T gave me a card today

A going back to school card
with a handwritten poem inside

I love this man
he treats me
the way I deserve
to be treated

And I like to think
that I do the same
to him

School, by the way
was great
I have an amazing class
and Patrick is with me
again

This will be a good year
I can feel it

Jacob's appt. is Nov 14th
I guess this means it's not
an emergency?
Or maybe it just means
the neurologist
is extraordinarily busy
I'm hoping for the former

-b

Back To School

Tomorrow I head back
to school
I had an amazing summer
but
I'm ready for an amazing
school year
I'll post back tomorrow with
a Jacob update
Thanks for all your comments
on the previous post

-b