Venturing Out

Obviously I am in need of a change. Last week my sister really hurt my feelings by saying that based on how upset I got when NB (anonymous) disappeared maybe I wasn't as ready to date as I thought I was.

And while I still don't totally agree with her, I think in some ways she may be right. (Isn't she always?) Before I can really share myself with another person, shouldn't I know who I am first?

I met Joe when I was 15 years old. I became a widow at 29 years old. Who am I now? What are my likes, my needs? I was so dependent on Joe for giving me an identity. I was his wife. I am a mother. I am a teacher. But I need to go deeper. I need to feel good about being alone. I need to accept the fact that this may be my life for quite some time, and I'd better start living it before it's too late.

So I'm venturing out. I'm taking a break from dating (except for the guy R is fixing me up with.) I guess I should say I'm taking a break from internet dating. I am going to put my energy elsewhere. I am really focused on losing weight. I am going to focus on my students, and my teaching practices. I am going to try to get some pleasure out of being with my kids every day. I am going to finish my masters degree (2 classes to go!)

and.... I am now a full fledged consultant for an amazing company that caters to making homes more beautiful. I found out that legally, I am not allowed to share the name of the company here on my blog. But if you want more info, let me know how to contact you. I will be going to at home parties selling the product, as well as trying to get new people to host parties, and become consultants.

When I went to K in Texas's house last week, I was struck by how beautiful everything was. It was as if it came from a catalog. And it did! She has worked for this company for a few years, and absolutely loves it. I think I will be good at it because I have fallen in love with the product. I think it will be good for me, because it will be one more step towards my independence.

I am on my way to being on my way.

I am venturing out.

-b

Hmmm...

Am slightly leery of posting tonight after one of the comments from yesterday's post. I can see who's reading my blog, and I would kindly request that anonymous refrain from checking this site anymore. Thank you.

On another note, I have some very exciting news to share. I am about to embark on a new business venture thanks to my friend Kelly down in Texas. I will tell you all about it tomorrow. But Mel is also doing it. And we are going to have a party to launch our business in March. And Slacker Mom, Kristi, and all my other local readers are invited to attend. (except for Anonymous)

I can't wait to share everything with you. I am really excited about this new prospect, as the timing couldn't be better. I will be able to continue teaching full time, which is my passion. I will still have plenty of time with my children at home. And I will be able to make some extra money to pay for pre-school next year, doing something that I genuinely think I'll love doing.

So stay tuned. I promise I will share more tomorrow.

-b

I just did something really bad!

The boys have been napping for almost 2 hours, and all this time to myself made me do something that I now regret.

I emailed NB asking him WTF happened. I just want to know. And I know I shouldn't care, but aren't you all wondering too? I just feel the need to know.

Damn those sleeping children.

Damn that stupid boy.

Oh, well.

Any bets on if I'll get a response?

Or what the response might be?

-b

Live In The Moment

I can honestly say that I did that this afternoon.

While Josh seemed better this morning, he awoke from his morning nap with a 102 temp. This cancelled any ideas that I had for us going out this afternoon.

But I took your advice. I lived in the moment, and ended up having a really good day. Part of my attitude change I think has to do with my diet change. I really hated the Atkins diet. I hated every minute of it, and I really think it was messing with my brain. I joined Weight Watchers online last night, and feel so much better about it. I can actually eat foods that I like again, but just need to do so in moderation.

Also, last week was such a hard one for me, it was hard to come out of that funk.

Today was the first time in a while that I felt genuinally happy, despite Josh being sick.

Here's what we did:
-made a fort (cool idea, LW)
-"ice skated" on our hardwood floors
-played dress up
-played with dolls (sorry Brett)
-read tons of books
-looked at photo albums
-made homemade pizza

The last one was so cool. We made the dough from scratch, and then I gave each boy their own dough ball, and toppings to put on it. Here are some pics:

shaping the dough

Josh putting sauce on his dough

Adding the cheese

The finished product

The funniest part to me was while we were eating dinner. I asked Jacob what his favorite part of the day was. His answer? "The ice cream truck."
"The ice cream truck?" I asked.
"Yes. On Dora." (That would be Dora the Explorer)
Glad to know I made such an impact :O)

-b

A Blog Worth Checking Out

I met Judy a year ago in Texas. She is part of the widow posse that met this past weekend. She is an unbelievable writer. I often read her posts on the widow board, and think, "Damn, I wish I could write like that!" Anyways, she got inspired by all the blog talk in Texas, and started her own blog. Here it is.

Judy is about to move across the country to be with her new love, her "Chapter Two." I'm sure I will get a lot out reading about her life, as it will no doubt be changing yet again.

I told her that I have some loyal readers here, who would no doubt enjoy her writing. I'm sure you won't disappoint :O)

Happy reading!

-b

Sometimes the best laid plans....

I'm on vacation this week, and had some great plans lined up for us. Today I was going to take the boys to this really cool indoor play area that I learned about from a different blog. Mel and the girls were going to come with us. (Mel's computer died, by the way. That's why she has been missing)

Tomorrow I was going to send Joshua to day care and was going to take Jacob out to lunch and to his first movie.

And Friday I have a very long overdo hair appointment.

But I woke up to Josh wailing this horrible cry. I went into his room and found that he couldn't move. I though his foot was caught on something, but he was just too weak to move it. As soon as I lifted him I could feel how feverish he was.

I called the doctor on call, because when I tried to put him down on his feet, he fell.

Turns out the poor little guy has coxsackie.

I held him all day. He even came to therapy with me. He just lay in my arms. I don't think he said a single word all day.

So that takes care of our plans for the week. Luckily, I am on vacation, and I didn't/don't have to use any sick days.

Cross your fingers that Jacob doesn't catch it!

-b

More Haiku For Leslie :O)

What actually got me started writing haiku about feelings, versus nature, as they are intended, was a thread on the widow board. It was in Sept. that this thread was started, and I posted 6 of them. Someone ressurected the thread for Valentine's Day. It was interesting reading my old haiku. I wish I could say I'm in a much different state of mind than I was then, but.... anyways, here they are:

alone all the time
my heart torn I'm inside out
please bring him back now

my boys make me smile
how proud their daddy would be
what a gift he left

how are you? they ask
*feeling very down today*
"I'm fine" I reply

holding me in bed
body to body we lay
oh how I miss that

let's go see daddy!
anticipation is great
picnics at his grave

please bring him to me
one more night is all I ask
we don't deserve this

Brokeback Mountain

I am no film critic, but this movie is by far, the best movie I've seen in a very long time. I can't stop replaying it in my head. It was heartbreakingly beautiful. You must go see it. That's my review :O)

Here's a funny thing that happened while at Brokeback Mountain: Kelly and I were the first people to get seats in the stadium theatre. We sat pretty much in the center of the theatre, in the center of the row.

In walks a couple, and out of all the seats in the whole theatre, they sit directly in front of us. No big deal, we move over.

Maybe 25 more people come in and sit all over the theatre.

The movie starts. In walks a couple. Out of the hundreds of seats in the theatre, where do they choose to sit? Next to me! Leaving no space in between us. If the theatre was crowded, this would make sense to me, but it was empty! I had to move my purse, and take my arm off the armrest. Bizarre, I tell you.

Luckily, I got lost in the movie after about 20 minutes. But really. What the heck?

-b

Austin Haiku

Drinking mimosas
Laughter ringing in the air
Just look at us now

The haiku basically sums up my weekend in Austin. I was with 4 widow friends that I met almost a year ago through the young widow board. We realized this weekend that we are the 5,4,3,2,1 widow posse. Kelly has been widowed for 5 years, Angel 4 years, Judy 3 years, I am almost at 2 years, and Jen just passed 1 year.

We are all in different stages of grieving, and those further out are able to give hope to those of us not so far out. Two are in very serious relationships, that will most likely lead to marriage. Two of us are dealing with the hell that is dating. One of us is not ready to begin dating, but thinks she can see it on the horizon.

Two of us lost our husbands while pregnant, two of us lost our husbands very suddenly, two of us know the hell that is cancer.

The weekend was spent laughing, drinking, eating (screw Atkins) talking, and crying (during the movie). It was exciting, relaxing, and memorable.

I can't wait for the next gathering of the widow posse.

Kelly, you were an excellent hostess. Thank you.

-b

I'm home!

But too tired to write.

Tomorrow night I'll post about my trip. And, I have pics!

Missed all of you!

b

To K in Texas:

My email has not been working since yesterday afternoon. I hadn't yet written down your cell number, so I don't have it. Please call my cell and leave your number on it.

This will be a test to see how loyal of a reader you are :O)

See you this afternoon!!!!!!

-b

FYI....

I am heading To Austin, TX tomorrow to spend some quality time with some wonderful girlfriends. I won't be posting again until Tuesday when I get back.

Unless, of course, I am having such horrible withdrawal, K in Texas takes such pity on my, she lets me use her computer :O)

Have a good long weekend!

-b

p.s. I'm going sans children! Woohoo!

Dating While Grieving

I realized recently that most of my blog entries revolve around either grieving Joe, or dating new people. This may seem confusing to some of you. How can I be so sad at times, missing Joe, while at the same time I'm excited for a big date?

I joined an amazing support group for young widows a year and a half ago. We still meet informally every Monday night for dinner. When we first began meeting, it was very structured with a facilitator named Leah. Leah had many words of wisdom for us, and I think each of us left with at least one memorable lesson from her.

For me, the topic was grieving while dating. Leah told us that grieving was a life-long process. Basically, we will never be done grieving. There will always be triggers, be it a specific date, a song, a phrase. There will always be landmarks that our spouses will miss.

Joe missed the birth of his second son, but he also missed his older son's first words, first steps, and first birthday. In the future, he will miss the first day of school, first date, graduation, weddings, and grandchildren being born. On all of those occasions, I will likely think of Joe, and grieve the fact that he is not there to witness these events. It may not hurt the way it hurts now, but I will be grieving his absence.

If we widows wait to be done grieving before we begin dating, we will never date. Plain and simple.

This lesson was so important for me to learn, because it took away the guilt that I felt for wanting to date. It gave me permission to continue living my life, while still missing and grieving my husband.

And so that's what I'm trying to do. Live my life to the fullest, make the most out of each day, look forward to the future, while at the same time allowing myself to miss what I once had, and to grieve for the future.

This blog is a reflection of that.

-b

And On A Totally Different Topic...

I got new seat covers made for my dining room chairs.

Why I ever got chairs with white covers and two toddlers, I'll never know.

Before

After

Sorry For The Delay

I knew it was a good idea to bring the topic to all of you wise souls. Soon after I posted, I got a phone call from my day care provider saying that Joshua had a fever of 103.5 So I had to pick him up and bring him to the doctor's. Poor little guy had a bad ear infection, and wanted to be held all afternoon.

So I wasn't ignoring you and your advice, I was actually off the computer for a change, holding my little boy.

Regarding your advice, I thought everyone had valid points. I was a bit surprised to see such diverse answers, but I guess that's why I asked you.

I was very unhappy with NB's response. What upset me most was that there was no apology. He never said he was sorry for making me worry, or for missing my birthday. He never offered to make it up to me, he never mentioned the future.

I have enough abandonment issues (due to Joe dying) I don't need a boyfriend who takes off for long periods of time without any contact, and then makes lame ass excuses.

I have always told myself that this time around I will not settle for anyone that's not a perfect match for me and my boys. That doesn't mean that the man will be perfect, because frankly, I don't believe anyone is perfect. But there is someone out there that will treat me as well as I treat them.

NB did not live up to that expectation. He let me down, and seems to not feel any guilt for doing so. He is not my perfect match. So I will keep looking, and will eventually find someone worthy. One can only hope at least!

Until then, I hope you'll continue with me on my crazy journey, that has somehow become my life :O)

-b

oh, and in case you're wondering, I did respond to his email. Here's what I wrote:
I'm glad you're ok. I never received an email.

I Have a NB Update!

Yesterday morning I sent him the following email:

B,
Can you please tell me that you're alive?
I have no idea what has happened to you.
You didn't seem like the type of person to just dissapear, so I am very worried that something has happened to you.
If, for whatever reason, you don't want to see me anymore, at least let me know that you are ok, and that M is ok.

thanks,
Betsy

This morning I got back this:

Betsy,

I’m alive. I don’t know what happened. I emailed you on Sunday night (it was too late to call) that I had been in Tahoe over the weekend and had just come down from the mountains. I was supposed to fly back from Reno but the snow in Boston canceled that flight and because of the snow and all the flight cancellations I didn’t end up getting in until Tuesday morning from a Monday night red eye.. when I had to run directly to Fidelity in downtown Boston.  I thought you were pissed at me for not getting back for our plans on Tuesday and that’s why I had not heard from you.  I finished my stuff on Tuesday and came home and crashed after no sleep for like 2 days and yesterday was back at fidelity.

Disappearing acts are not my thing.

B

I have yet to respond, because I want your feedback. But my initial reaction is WTF?????????????

b

2/15/06

Dear Joe,

Tomorrow you are supposed to be turning 33 years old. I hope you are able to celebrate in some way, wherever you are. Please know that we celebrate your life every single day. Even tonight, Josh wanted to look through Jacob's baby album. Every time he saw your picture he would exclaim, "Dada! Dada!"

Not a day goes by where you aren't mentioned by name. Not an hour goes by where I don't think of you. Your sons will know who you were. They will speak your name with pride and love.

I am trying my hardest to live my life, because I know that's what you'd want. I am hoping you'll eventually guide me to someone who will bring love to the boys and me.

I love you Joe. Today, tomorrow, always. I so very much wish you were here.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
b

This Will Be My Last NB Post

At least until there is an update. I am pretty sure something happened to him. There are too many things that just don't add up.

I have emailed his cousin (the one that I was friends with when we were kids) saying that I just needed to know that he and his son are ok. But I got the email address from Owen, who had it from 4 years ago. Since then, she has gotten married and changed her name, so who knows if it's even a valid email?

I will not bash him anymore until I know that he is alive, and well, and just an asshole. Even then, I won't bash him anymore. It's not worth my time and energy.

But I am keeping my fingers crossed that both he and his son are well.

Thanks for being so supportive of me. When I started this blog, I really didn't think anyone would read it, because I didn't think I had anything of interest to say. I never expected to find the kind of support that I have from all of you cyber friends. (To my friends and family that I had before this blog, I always knew how supportive you were!)

I took a sick day today because I woke up feeling like I had the flu; achy, pounding head, and so tired I felt like I could sleep for years. But after sleeping for hours, and taking a shower, I actually feel better than I have in days. It's really nice out, so I think I'll go take a drive by myself. Music playing, window cracked, no one needing me.

Life will be good again.

-b

NB Update!!!!!!

There is none!

This was by far, my worst birthday yet.

However, I am very thankful to all of my friends, family, and cyber friends for sending me so many birthday wishes, and making me laugh at possible NB sceneries. You guys are the best. Thanks.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am now a year wiser. And I will be fine.

-b

Birthday Haiku

My birthday is here

NB still has not called me

What a piece of shit

(feel free to add your own)

Did He Call?

Nope.

Every time the phone rings, every time my email dings, everytime my text message bings, I jump, I hope, I look, I exhale.

Am off to widow group, thank god.

Unfortunately, Mr. Atkins does not allow alcohol. I would love a glass of wine right now. Just one. *sigh*

So it looks like my first birthday/Valentine's date ever aside from Joe, is not to be. Maybe next year. One can only hope.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Of all the shitty things to do......

Why? That's all I want to know.

-b

Updates On My Life

This is a scene from my backyard from earlier today. According to the news, my city received 19 inches of snow. It looks beautiful out, but it was way too cold and windy to take the boys out, even for a few minutes. So we were housebound. And it pretty much sucked. I'll spare you the details, but will say that my sweet two and a half year old broke one of my kitchen cabinets out of anger. That was fun. Please, please, please, let there be school tomorrow!

I still have not heard from NB, and to be honest, am more than troubled by it. I left a voicemail this morning, because I need to know what time to tell sitters for Tuesday if it's gonna happen. Walter was worried that he was avoiding my call based on my number, so he did the honorable thing, and called from his number. No answer either, so that's good. He was supposed to fly home today, but Logan is closed, so who knows when he'll get in.

I'm at a total loss as to why I haven't heard from him. The only possible excuses are that he lost his blackberry, or that he forgot to bring the charger. But if he blows off my birthday, someone had better go kick his ass. There will be no further dates. But the weird thing is, I know that he really liked me. And, he's always been really upfront, no BS. So if there were a problem with us, wouldn't he be upfront?

I'm still doing Atkins. And am actually feeling good about it now. I had more energy today, and was able to exercise mid-day. I also finally got on the scale. I was terrified to do so, so didn't to start out. But the good news is I only (only?) have 35 pounds to lose to be at my thinnest that I've been as an adult. And while that's a lot, I really thought it was more like 50. So 35 sounds pretty doable to me. Last time I lost a ton of weight, I weighed 10 pounds less than now to start. So I'm capable of losing it. The only difference is that was pre-kids, and I was younger, and I was addicted to the gym. But still, I can do it.

When will I hear from NB????????????????????

And what will I do on my b-day if I don't hear from him?

This sucks. I don't need this crap right now, I really don't. Kelly, I cannot wait to see you and bask in the Texan sun next weekend!

-b

p.s. thanks for all of your supportive words yesterday. I get in these funks, and it can be hard to come out of them. I appreciate your help :O)

These Words

I'm in a bad place.

If you've spoken to me recently, I imagine that you picked up on it.

Yes, the Atkin's Diet is making me a bit nuts.

Yes, I still haven't heard from NB, and am paranoid that it's over.

But neither of those things are at the root of my depression. Neither of those things are making me cry after hanging up the phone with my sister. neither of those things caused me to sleep part of the day away. (my brother and sister-in-law watched the boys.)

I just saw a Valentine's day commercial. It was for some jewelry, and they had the lyrics to Natasha Bedinfield's song, these words.

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Valentine's Day happens to be my birthday. I so miss being told those words. It has been 21 months since I have heard those words from Joe. Or from any man.

I recently found the birthday card Joe gave me for my 29th birthday; the last we celebrated together. The cover said, "You are my favorite thing." The inside simply said, "ever." Followed by Joe's impossibly messy script. "Happy Birthday, I love you xoxoxo, Joe"

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

And I know it looks like I've made progress, and I know that I have. But right now I feel like Joe just died. I just want him back. I want a new card from him on Tuesday. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to hear those words.

I'm in a bad place.

-b

Indulge Me

for just a moment, please

Have not spoken to NB since Tuesday. I text messaged him last night that I was heading to bed, but was thinking of him. Haven't heard back.

He is across the country for work. He won't be home until Sunday night. But I do already have plans with him for Tuesday.

Am starting to freak out. Thoughts?

b

p.s. what if he's dead?

The Question I hated The Most

after Joe died, was "How did he get the chicken pox?"

I thought that was the most asinine question at the time.

"Who the fuck cares how he got them!" I felt like shouting to anyone, and everyone who asked. "He's dead!"

The follow up question would always be, "Didn't he have them as a kid?" and then, "Did he get the vaccine?"

Joe's cousin's wife actually had the audacity to say, "Stooopid," after hearing that no, he hadn't had them as a child, and no, he hadn't been immunized as an adult. I still refer to her as "D, the bitch."

This question may not have bothered me so much if it wasn't asked repeatedly. And when I say repeatedly, I mean almost every single person that I came into contact with after he died. And that was an awful lot of people.

And I really didn't understand how it was relevant. He got them somehow, and then died. The dying part was what I cared about.

To this day, when people find out that he died from the chicken pox, that's still the # 1 question I get.

But maybe now I'll be a little more tolerant.

One of my student's mothers called me this morning. She told me that T would be out of school for a week.

He has the chicken pox.

Guess what I said?

Yep, "How did he get them?"

-b

Who Am I?

Transition:
The moments, strung out over months,
Where I know I am no longer the woman I was, but not quite the woman I am becoming

This quote from one of my widow books pretty much sums me up.

-b

Food Diary
(Starting Atkins tomorrow, didn't have the right food for it today)

breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs

snack:
orange

lunch:
weight watchers frozen meal

snack:
(over the course of afternoon)
small bag pretzels
apple
carrot sticks
green beans

dinner:
boiled artichokes
tuna fish

dessert:
sugar free popsicle

exercise:
30 minutes elliptical

Freaked Out

Last night at widow group we discussed getting signs from our husbands that they are here with us. As you know, I've had a few. And now I just had another one. But this one scared the crap out of me.

When I got home from work today, I took the boys across the street to play at our neighbor's house. When we got home, we came in through the front door instead of the back. I threw my purse and keys on the stairs.

When I took the boys up to bed, Jacob reached for my keys on the stairs, and I told him not to touch them. He said, "I'm just looking mommy."

So just a few minutes ago I went to put the keys from my stairs, to the normal place I keep them, near the back door. I didn't want Jacob to be tempted to play with them in the morning.

I walk to the stairs and see my purse sitting there. No keys. Immediately freak out that someone broke in and took my keys.

Pick up phone and call Mel so she can call cops if I come across serial killer in my house.

Walk into kitchen, switch on light, lightbulb blew.

Now I'm freaking out completely (just ask Mel).

Then I saw them. The keys were hanging. Where Joe used to hang his keys.

Chills, chills, chills, chills.

Love the signs, but am scared out of my fucking mind.

-b

My Body

I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be thin. Once upon a time.
To pinpoint exactly what happened isn't really possible, but I can try.

I got pregnant, had a baby, and got pregnant again almost immediately.

Husband died while pregnant.

Food became a source of comfort for me. I never really understood that concept before. I've always loved food, mind you. But I just liked how it tasted. After Joe died, it became something else to me. It filled up an empty space. Or at least, that became the intent. I would eat and eat and eat, like it was an Olympic sport, trying to fill this huge void. But it never got filled.

And now I can honestly say that I hate the way I look.

The good news is I hate it so much, I have vowed to make a change. I will go down 3 sizes by August. That's the plan. How will I do it? I will eat less, and exercise. Nothing extreme, just those two things.

Today:
breakfast- bowl of raisin bran
snack- orange, 3 m&m's
lunch- eggplant (I know, not good, but leftovers)
snack- small bag pretzels
exercise- 30 minutes on elliptical (Yes, it's true! Mel, get on your bike!)
dinner- weight watchers lo mein (5 points)

I will get my body back. I will, I will, I will.

-b

Damn Blogger!

So I was all set to post last night after widow group. I knew exactly what to write and everything.

Got home, paid the sitter, took off nylons, opened laptop.

Surprise, surprise, blogger was down AGAIN!

This time for maintenance, so maybe things will improve with it.

But regardless, I don't have time for a real post until tonight after boys go down.

Off to start the day.

Have a good one, everyone!

b

It's All In The Attitude

Thanks to Slacker Mom, I had a really amazing weekend with my kids. The past few posts she has written have been about seizing the day, not taking any one moment for granted, and having a positive attitude towards your kids.

So I took her words of wisdom, and applied them to my weekend. And much to my surprise, they worked!

I had no plans for this weekend, which in my book, is equivilent to a death sentence. But I really tried to relax, and enjoy my kids instead of finding them to be work.

I'll spare you all the details, but will share just one moment. Today was a beautiful day. Almost 60 degrees at one point, and not a cloud in the sky. Pretty much unheard of in MA in February. I took the boys to the playground, just the three of us. (full disclosure: I did ask others to join, but no one could.) The three of us climbed to the top of the jungle gym and went down the slide all together.

The wind blowing our hair, the sun shining on our faces, the laughter coming from our mouths. And not the fake laughter, the real, deep down from your gut laughter. I felt 100 % happy. I loved that moment, and felt truly blessed to be the mother of my sons.

So thank you, Slacker Mom. You made my weekend.

-b

Creatures Of Habit

An odd thing happened to me this afternoon, and it threw me off a bit.

First, I must backtrack to this morning. I gave myself a "time out" in my bedroom, because Joshua was having the temper tantrum from hell in the kitchen, and Jacob was whining in the living room. I simply couldn't take it, so I decided that the best thing for all parties was for me to go upstairs for 5 minutes.

My cat, Scout raced me up the stairs, and jumped up onto the bathroom sink. This is her usual routine, because for some reason she loves drinking out of the faucet. I figured I'd turn the faucet on, take my time out, and turn the faucet off.

Well, you've probably figured out what happened next. Yes, I 100% forgot that the faucet was running, and I left for work for the day.

We got home at 4:00 and I went upstairs to use the bathroom. Halfway up the stairs I hear it. Water streaming into the sink. My heart just about sank into my stomach, and I sprinted (yes, I sprinted) up the rest of the stairs.

Thankfully, the drain must be pretty clear because the water didn't overflow. But it the sink was about halfway filled.

Relieved, I picked up the phone. Who was I going to call? Joe.

Yes, I thought Joe would enjoy hearing about my stupidity. And just as quickly as I picked up the phone, I realized that I couldn't call Joe. And of course, I started to cry.

It was really surprising to me that my gut instinct was still to call him. I'm still processing that. And it still breaks my heart to think that I can't call him. And I wonder if either of those things will ever fade away.

Mel and her girls came to play a little bit later, and somehow (how did it happen?) Mel knocked off the cover to the smoke detector downstairs. And out of the smoke detector fell a penny. Supposedly finding random pennies is supposed to be a sign from the dead that they are with you. The medium had told me that Joe does that all the time, but I never notice. This one, I noticed. Because how often does a penny fall from a smoke detector?

So I guess Joe was telling me that I didn't need to call him on the phone, because he saw the whole thing. And maybe, just maybe, he had something to do with me not coming home to a flood.

b

You Know Those Moments?

The ones that feel so perfect, so right, you would give anything to keep the moment from ending?

I had one of those moments last night.

And as much as I know my loyal readers are tuning in for all the juicy date details, some things (not many) are too sacred to post about.

-b

They Say The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach

Date # 4 is tomorrow night, and it's a biggie. NB is coming here for dinner and I am cooking up some goodies.

The Menu:

appetizers:
crackers and cheese
shrimp cocktail

main course:
pasta primavera
baguette

dessert:
grasshopper squares (recipe to follow)

for brownie layer
1 1/2 sticks butter
10 1/2 oz bittersweet choc. finely chopped
1 1/2 cups light brown sugar
3 lrg eggs beaten
1 1/4 t. vanilla
3/4 cup flour
1/4 cup plus 2 Tbs cocoa powder
3/4 t. salt

for mint ganache
1/2 cup heavy cream
10 oz white choc. chopped
2 Tbs green Creme de menthe
1 t peppermint extract

for chocolate ganache
1 cup heavy cream
10 oz bittersweet choc, finely chopped

make brownies
preheat oven to 375
melt butter and choc. with brown sugar over moderate heat, until smooth. Remove from heat. Add eggs and vanilla. Whisk together. Whisk in the rest of ingredients. Spread into 13 by 9 baking dish, and bake for 20 minutes. Cool completely, about 90 minutes.

make mint ganache
bring cream to simmer. Remove from heat. Pour over white choc. Let stand 1 minute, then whisk. Stir in remaining ingredients. Chill, covered, 1 hour.

make choc. ganache
bring cream to simmer. Remove from heat. Pour over bittersweet choc. Let stand 1 minute, then whisk. Chill, covered, 1 hour.

Assemble layers
spread mint ganache over cooled brownies. Then chill about 30 min.
Spread choc over mint and let chill 2 hours
feed to NB and watch the magical effects of chocolate
hope that no one gets sick
make out on couch

enjoy!

-b

So Much To Say

Not sure where to start.

4th date is this Wednesday night. I'm cooking dinner. I'm having my usual self-doubting moment, which I attribute to not having spoken to him in quite some time. But I did get an email yesterday. I won't post the whole thing, but here was the last line: What is your week looking like this week? I'd like to get together ASAP :) Didn't want our night from last week to ever end... So I keep re-reading that and thinking to myself that he does like me.

I got a cool email today from one of Joe's ICU doctors. He had written an essay about the whole experience of caring for Joe, and he submitted it to a journal of medicine. And he found out today that they're publishing it! I think it will be in next month's issue. The essay was really amazing, and I thought it captured Joe's time in the ICU accurately. Once the essay is actually published, I'll print it here.

We have an ant problem in my house. I swear to you, my floors have never been cleaner. I am trying everything to get rid of these ants. I've been having nightmares about them at night, and now I think I've caused Jacob to be scared of ants.

Patrick had his big sex ed weekend. Will do a new post about that.

Widow group was really fun tonight. RAD had received some sad news about a close friend of hers before she came to group, so it started out sad. But she pulled through, and we ended up having out usual fun time. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it isn't widow group unless somebody cries at some point. But the majority of it is usually filled with laughter. Oh, and we found out Susan is going to be the guest of honor at a big Gilda Radner cancer fundraiser. Of course, Susan didn't tell us about it. But we'll be there, with bells on. And coincidentally, it falls on a Monday night :O)

I think that's it for now.

-b

Patrick's Sex Ed Weekend
(I will now hand the blog over to Patrick)

So let me try to write something blogworthy about the weekend...

Friday night we played a game we call the "Dirty Word Game." We take the terms sexual intercourse, vagina, penis, masterbation, and breasts, and give them to the group which has been divided into two. They come up with as many slang words as possible for the terms. (see pic above)

For Saturday we had two professional psychologists come and help (they were a couple, one guy one girl). We started out the sex ed stuff by filling out a sheet that asked about values and what would you do if... situations. (For example the first questions was 1a) who should be responsible for the first kiss 1b) who should be responsible for the sexual pace of the relationsip and 1c) who should be responsible for the birth control). Then we split up into same gender groups and had a long 'q and a' period. We got into lots of stuff about relationships, biology. It was interesting to me that while talking about biology we talked about what parts are more or less sensitive, e.g. we were giving sex tips. But we were teaching that sex can be fun, so it is important to go over how to make it fun.

After making a list of 5 things we wanted to know about the opposite gender, and 5 things we wanted to know about our gender, we brought the two groups together and answered those questions. We then talked a lot about communicaiton in relationships, and the differences between men and women in relationships, that sort of stuff.

Later we passed around condoms and different birth control things, and had people practise putting the condoms on cucumbers while going over some condom use tips (don't flip the condom over, don't keep it in your wallet, lambskin doesn't protect against STDs as well as latex does, etc)

It felt like an all-encompassing sex ed session.

Loss Of Memories

We went to NY for the day today. My uncle is turning 50, so a bunch of family members, including my sister and her family met up at his house to celebrate. It wasn't your typical celebration, but it was nice to see everyone. My nephew is getting so big, and I even got to see him walking! It was also nice to see my cousins for the first time in over a year.

My mother and step-father drove with me, and on the ride home we got to talking about how all 3 boys (my 2 and my nephew) look so much like one of us. My nephew looks like my sister, Josh looks like me, and Jacob is the spitting image of Joe. I asked my mom if she notices that when she looks at Jacob, or if she's sort of forgotten how Joe looked. She didn't really answer that, but instead said that he doesn't look like anyone in our family, so he must look like Joe. I felt sad when she said that, but then she added that Jacob has Joe's sense of humor. I asked what she meant, and she said that Joe was really funny.

Now, I can remember what Joe looked like, and I can remember that he was funny. But the details...the details are getting fuzzy. His voice (other than the fact that it was deep) is gone from my memory. Totally gone. But I can practically feel his hand touching mine right now. It's that familiar to me.

I remember laughing a lot with Joe. But why? I don't remember what we laughed about.

It's scary to think about what I'm forgetting. If anyone can help me remember, I'd certainly appreciate it.

b

Is it me? Or is this messed up?

I subscribe to the Boston Globe Thurs-Sun. I would love to get it every day, but really don't have the time to read it. Well, perhaps if I got off the computer a bit more I'd have time, but I digress.

I was getting a special 12 week deal where I was paying $2.50 per week. So the Globe just called me and told me that my 12 weeks are up. But they have good news! They can offer me all 7 days for just $2.88 per week.

I said that I simply don't have time for 7 days of delivery, so I'd like that rate for my 4 days of delivery.

Well, that's not possible. If I'd like to keep my 4 days, I need to pay $6.00 per week instead of the $2.88 for 7 days.

Does this make sense? So I cancelled my subscription. I'm sure I'll get a call tomorrow offering me an even better deal than I had before, but this is just plain silly. Right?

-b

This is my 100th post!

Can you believe it?

b

The Date

I got to NB's house at 7:00. His apartment is really nice. It's the first floor of a huge, Victorian house. Lots of stained glass windows, hardwood floors, and a fireplace.

We each had a glass of wine, and then decided to walk to dinner. I went to use the bathroom before leaving, and when I came out, he had turned off the lights, and pulled me to him for a kiss. It was really sweet.

We walked to the restaurant, which was about a 20 minute walk. It was a little cold (actually, really cold) but the conversation flowed easily.

We went to a pub for dinner. It was a really cute place, and dinner was delicious. I had a burger with a side salad instead of fries (ate half of both). He had a good pasta dish, that he had me try. He paid for dinner, and got us a cab to take home.

He opened the door for the cab for me and as I slid in I did something funny to my neck. You know when you move it just the wrong way and it pulls something? No? Well, that's what happened, and I really couldn't move my head without major pain. I told NB what had just happened, and he pulled me in close and massaged my neck. It was really sweet, and felt amazing, I must say. Not sure the last time I got a neck massage.

We got back to his place, went inside and snuggled on the couch. There was no awkwardness or anything; it was as if we had done it for months. We just lay there, talking for about 30 minutes. I then announced that I had better get going because I had told the sitter that I'd be home by 11 and it was 10:30.

He pulled me in for a kiss, and we stayed kissing for literally half an hour. I had no idea that time could go by so quickly, because it felt like 5 minutes, but sure enough, the clock read 11. I told him that I really had to go. He walked me to my car, opened the door for me, kissed me goodbye, and closed the door.

When I got home there was an email from him saying what a fabulous night he had. A perfect ending to a perfect date.

-b

My Date...

was amazing.

Am too tired to post details now, but will do so tomorrow after boys go to bed. I really wouldn't change a thing about it though.

Yay to good dates! (and a third date no less!)

Thanks for all of your well wishes.

Sweet Dreams,
b

My Trash Can

Over on Walter's blog he wrote a post about his $40 new toothbrush. I commented that I paid $200 for my trash can, so I didn't think $40 for a toothbrush sounded crazy.

Well, this led to a little debate as to why in the world I would purchase such a trash can. I said that I would post about it tonight, hence this post.

I used to have the old fashioned trash can in my kitchen, and really had no problem with it. But both my sister, and JRowe would regularly comment on the fact that it smelled, and was gross.

So off I went to purchase a new trash can. I walked into the Container Store and saw this gleaming, beautiful trash holder begging me to take it home. I stepped on the foot pedal and the two sides easily parted up into the air. When I released my foot, the two sides slowly and silently lowered themselves back down.

I knew it had to be mine. It keeps smells out (or in), is stylish (I think) and is so sturdy it's never knocked over.

Worth $200? I say, absolutely!!!!

What do you say?

-B

Good News

NB's trip was cancelled, so our Tuesday night plans are back on! And when I told him I was glad that I'd get to see him, he said, "Me too. It's been too long already."

Hooray!

(how junior high is this post?)

My Report Cards.....

Are done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It only took me about 10 hours.

-b

Update

First of all, thanks for all of your words of support.

He called me about an hour ago. Patrick and I were just at the end of watching Million Dollar Baby. So of course I was on the verge of tears to start.

He flew into Boston and was supposed to drive directly to CT. to visit his son. His car wouldn't start, not even with a jump. So he's taking the train to CT tomorrow morning. Then he's flying from NYC to Minnesota on Mon morning. Then he's off to Seattle on Wed, and is returning Sunday.

So when will I see him again? You will be very impressed with me, because I didn't ask.

Maybe a week from Tuesday?

We talked for maybe 10 minutes, and the conversation flowed easily. He said he'd call me from the train tomorrow, which was nice.

But his schedule pretty much sucks. I guess it's a positive that he has a good job. And he did call me.

blah.

-b

Feeling Paranoid

Things with NB have been going really well. Two nights ago we chatted for about 2 and a half hours. Really great conversation. Lots of laughing, flirting, etc.

I'm not seeing him this weekend, b/c he's spending it with his son (which he should be). So our plan was to get together on Tuesday night (mon night is widow group).

He sent me an email yesterday saying that it looks like he may have to be in Minnesota next week for work. I emailed him back that I understood.

Haven't heard from him since. I emailed him again this morning, just sharing a funny story. Still no word.

Then I just got home and turned on my computer. His IM name was lit up. Within 5 seconds it was off.

I'm assuming he's avoiding me.

Ugh!!!!!! I hate dating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-B

Let's Talk About Sex

Ok, before all of my friends and family get freaked out that I'm about to share information that they don't want to know, let me explain.

Patrick (remember, the guy who made up the cheer with me?) is a youth group leader for his church. He claims that this church is not really religious, and that this youth group has nothing to do with religion.

They are going to be having a youth group weekend retreat where the topic is...you guessed it, sex.


He and his co-leaders are trying to compile a list of the top 10 things they wish they had been told about sex when they were in high school. I told him that I would help the cause, and post his mission here.

edited for clarification: they are not teaching abstinence. This is basically a sex ed course for kids who may have misconceived ideas about sex. However, my # 10 is really pretty much a joke. I wouldn't expect Patrick to teach them that one. So let's make this top ten list a funny one, ok?

So, let's make this list, shall we?

(I'll start, but please feel free to join in)

10. The first time hurts more than anyone could ever possibly warn you. And so does the second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Then it starts to improve. But it takes quite a while for it to become good. So my lesson for the high schoolers and to just keep sticking with it! (I'm going to Hell for sure.)

-B

Lurkers, Reveal Yourselves

So I missed National delurking week. But I don't think it's too late for me to make the request that all of you lurkers (and non-lurkers) reveal yourselves.

If you read this blog on a somewhat regular basis, please just say a quick hello. This includes all of my widow group friends! Just click on comments, and leave one.

Thanks so much,
B

Memories

Here's one great memory I have of Joe. It pretty much sums up his fun personality.


It was Cinco De Mayo, 2001. Joe was at a party about 2 miles away. JRowe and I were at a school event, but joined him at the party around 10pm. JRowe had never met Joe before. When we arrived at the party Joe was pretty drunk. By the time we were ready to leave, he was really drunk. Far too drunk to drive his prized new car. (Which, by the way, was an '89 Cadillac Fleetwood that he kept making people at the party admire. In particular, he was very proud of the trunk space.)


I was going to drive his car home, and JRowe was going to drive Joe home. JRowe was single at the time, and Joe decided to give her some friendly realtionship advice. Both Joe and JRowe shared this conversation with me separately afterwards, and they both seemed to think it was a great conversation. Joe thought he gave excellent advice, and JRowe thought he was hilarious. I am now trying to use his advice when looking to date someone.


Here are his pearls of wisdom:

1. He cannot live at home with his parents

2. He must like porn (this doesn't mean he needs to have a collection, or even a subscription, but he can't be offended by it.) How do I gently find out if a potential suitor likes porn? LOL

3. His car shouldn't be too nice (b/c that means he's putting his money to his car, but not toward more important things.) I'll let that rule slide for now :)

4. He must drink alcohol (Not that he should be an alcoholic, but if he never drinks, he's most likely a recovering alcoholic which means he could fall off the wagon.)

That's all I can remember...JRowe, anything I'm forgetting?

That's a little snippet of who Joe was. Always good for a laugh.

-B

Wife Swap

I admit it, I love this show. I think what I love about it is that it makes my family look normal. I always pick which family I would rather be a part of, and it's never a clear cut decision. Both families are almost equally nuts.

Anyone else watch this silly show?

-B

New Memories

This was the topic at widow group tonight. How sad it is that there will never be new memories with our husbands. And the memories that we have are starting to fade. I hadn't thought about the no new memories concept.

I really need to cherish the memories that I have. I think tomorrow's post will be some of my favorite (publishable) memories.

But this picture is one of my favorites. Joe and Jacob. So happy. So peaceful together. Father and son.

*Sigh*

-B

Thank God He's Cute

Because holy crap, was I ever ready to scream at him today. My day started out fine. We ran some errands, played some games, no problem. Then Melanie came over to watch the boys so I could have an adult only lunch with my friend, Nikki.

Lunch was great. Nikki let me vent for a bit, and then we were laughing away like normal.

I got home just in time for the boys to take a nap. (Thank you, Mel!)

I watched the pilot episode of Lost while the boys napped. This was a huge treat, as I've owned the dvd for about 2 months now, but this was my first chance to watch it. I loved it, and can't wait to watch more.

Then the boys woke up. Or more accurately, one boy and one monster woke up.

Honestly, I have no idea what was going on with Joshua. He screamed the word "no" over and over, while running in circles around the house for literally, an hour. If I tried to calm him down, he would hit me. He was so angry, over something that is unclear to me.

By the end of this tirade I was in tears, Jacob was in tears, and Joshua was sitting happily in his rocking chair drinking his milk.

Thank god for bedtime.

-B

More About My Day

Someone recently wrote a rant on the widow board entitled, "They're your kids too." Basically the rant was about when you're at your wit's end with your kids, and you say to your husband/wife, "They're your kids too. I need a break." And you take the break you so very much need.

When Jacob was a baby, on weekends I would do the first shift with him. That would usually be from 6 am-8am. Then I would go back to sleep, and Joe would do the second shift. I'd sleep until 10 or so. Then Jacob would be down for a nap, and Joe and I would have time together.

And when Jacob was sick, or teething, or just being a pain in the ass, we could take turns dealing with him.

Today was one of those days where we were stuck in the house (due to the weather) and the boys were making me crazy. They just wouldn't stop fighting and whining, and well...acting their ages. And I just wanted to take a shower, or a nap, or read the paper. I just wanted a break.

And it hit me. I am a single parent. And I am not cut out to be, nor did I choose to be a single parent.

Being a mom is hard. But being a mom with no dad just sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boys more than anything in the world. I will always be grateful that Joe and I created them together, and that they will be a reminder to me of him.

But...

How did this happen? How is this my life?

Thanks for all of your kind words of support.

-B

Hmmm

I paid attention when MK was here. I really did. And I even got Slacker Mom up as a link in the sidebar. But I've been trying to get my other faves up ther too, and it's simply not working. I'm perplexed.


I was trying to get the Rambling Muse as a link. And also Walter as a link. I already showed you MK's blog. But I wanted to add Jen's blog to the list. And one of my biggest faves to visit these days is Selina's lovely, G-rated blog.

But I couldn't do any of that, because I am just not computer savvy enough, I guess.

Suggestions?

-B

I learned some cool new tricks today. MK
came over to help me figure out how to add links to my blog. Thanks, MK. Everyone should check out his cool blog here. He's running the Boston Marathon, and his blog is all about his training process, as well as the music he listens to while he's training.

I have to go write report card comments now. Last night it took me three hours to write 5 comments. Think I overanalyze each one? When I'm done I'll add all of you fellow bloggers that I know read me regularly to my sidebar. Yay! Thanks, MK!

-B

Today was one of those days....

I really wanted Joe with me.

That's it.

-B

Date # 2

I picked NB up at 11:30 at his house. Due to the rain, and the parking craziness that is Cambridge, he just came out to my car, so I didn't get to see inside his house. But it's in a really cute neighborhood, and it's a two family big victorian. Very pretty on the outside.

Scored an awesome parking spot just down the street from the museum. I insisted on paying for the tickets, even though he tried hard not to let me.

The museum was beautiful. It used to be someone's residence. (side story that my mother told me so I could impress NB with some historical information: Isabella Stewart Gardner built this unbelievable mansion in the middle of swampland back in the late 1800's. Everyone thought she was crazy for building it where she did. She didn't let anyone see the house until it was complete, at which point she threw a huge party. Before the party, she needed to test out the acoustics for the musicians. Because music sounds differently with people in the room, she needed to fill the room with people. But, since she didn't want anyone to see the house before the party, this became a dilemma. How did she solve it? Well, there's a school for the blind not too far from the mansion. She brought 100 students from the school to her house to test out the acoustics. And of course, they couldn't see the house.)

Anyways, we had a great time in the museum. It doesn't have the best labels, so we made up stories of what many of the pieces were used for. Lots of laughing.

We then went to one of my favorite restaurants. Again, snagged a great parking spot. We shared a salad, and each had a different pasta dish I had rigatoni, broccoli, and chicken. He had chicken parm, All was yummy, and again conversation was easy and fun. he insisted on paying for lunch, and I didn't fight too hard to get him to change his mind.

I then drove him to the airport. I got out of the car to say goodbye, and we had a nice kiss. He told me he'd see me soon, and we parted.

Awesome date. Am looking forward to the next one.

-B

Tomorrow's Date # 2!

I'm picking up NB (New Boy) tomorrow morning at 11:30. We have a really great date planned, so it should be fun, despite the rain we're expecting.

I've spoken to NB either on the phone or through IM every day this week. He is clearly liking me, and I am clearly liking him.

But....

But what?

I'm not sure. I think women are somehow trained to really fall for guys that treat us like crap, and are scared away by guys who could actually improve our lives.

So NB really likes me and that's becoming a turnoff.

Ugh.

Jenn and Melanie were here earlier, and they were both trying to convince me to let someone treat me well for a change. (not that others haven't treated me well, just that it's been a while.)

NB comes up with really great date plans. He seems caring and attentive. He asks me how my day was, and really seems like he's interested in the answer. He has an awesome job. He has a son (which in my opinion, is a bonus) and he's Jewish.

Please help me relax and just enjoy this one. Don''t let me screw it up.

-B

Patrick, This one's for you!

Top 5 reasons working with Patrick (the aide in my classroom) is so fun:

1. He is willing to make up and perform cheers with me about random events. Today's cheer was in preparation for tomorrow's guest speaker.

me: Go Rob
Patrick: Go Eliot
me: Go Rob
Patrick: Go Eliot
Patrick: Our kids need a kick in the butt
me: Help us here at Eliot
Patrick: Please tell us what to do
me: and we'll say a big thank you
Me: Go Rob
Patrick: Go Eliot
Me: Go Rob
Patrick: Go Eliot
unison: Gooooo Rob!

We actually performed this cheer for many speechless teachers after school today. We even performed it for the principal, who actually cracked a smile. ANd yes, I know this is a lame cheer. And that's really the point. How many people will not just go along with, but help create such a lame cheer, and THEN perform it with enthusiasm? Go Patrick!

2. He isn't too loud. Nothing worse then an aide in the room who is so loud you want to tell him/her to be quiet more often than you want to tell the kids.

3. He's awesome with the boy he's assigned to help. This child is not the easiest to be around, and Patrick deals with him way better than I do.

4. He's fun to be with, and laughs with me throughout the day. Yet definitely notices when I am in a more serene mood, and gives me the space that I need.

5. He reads this blog (and when pressured posts comments) every day.

-B

Why I Love Melanie Like A Sister

Melanie gave birth to her 2nd daughter about 5 weeks before Joe was hospitalized. And her baby had been hospitalized at about 3 weeks old for a few days, so it wasn't the most relaxing maternity leave. While Joe was in the hospital, she pretty much was in charge of my house/son. She organized a crew to be here all day cleaning, cooking, and playing with Jacob. She drove me back and forth to and from the hospital, and stayed solid as a rock for me.

Joe went into the hospital on a Saturday. On Wednesday night at 3AM (so really Thursday) the doctors from ICU woke me up from the little room I was sleeping in at the hospital. They told me that they had to do a risky procedure to Joe, and I should go and talk to him for a few minutes (even though he was in a coma.) They were worried that this would be my last chance to speak to him while he was alive, but they also wanted me to tell him to fight for his life.

My mother was out of the country at the time (desperately trying to get home), and my sister was sleeping at my house with Jacob. I knew that I didn't want to be alone after I said my goodbyes to Joe.

The nurse asked me if I wanted her to call someone. I instantly said, "melanie."

Later, the nurse told me that Melanie answered the phone and as soon as the nurse said who she was, melanie said, "I'll be right there." and hung up the phone. She didn't even wait for an explanation for the call.

She found me sitting in the lounge, crying hysterically, with the hospital's rabbi by my side, waiting to hear if Joe made it through the procedure or not. She knew not to say anything. And there she stayed until the doctors reappeared and said that the procedure was successful. I spent the rest of the day holding onto Joe's dying body, until his heart finally stopped beating at 5PM that afternoon.

Melanie was the first person to get the phone call. She then made all the calls that needed to be made. And she never stopped.

She always knows what I need, even when I don't.

-B

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must
have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain

I stole this from an email RAD just sent to widow group. Trying to figure out what I think about it. But now that it's posted, I realize I'm too tired to figure out what I think about it. So bed it is.

But just have to add that I have (had?) this terrible, irrational fear of rain. But it's pouring right now, and my initial reaction was that of excitement instead of fear. I can't wait to get into my cozy bed with the rain beating against my window. Mmmm.

Night.

-B

Word Verification

Lots of people have word verification on their blogs. That means that when you go to post a comment, you have to type in the letters shown above the submit button. Supposedly this helps reduce spam, which I've been very lucky not to receive thus far.

The problem is, the letters are all funky and slanted. And for some reason, I have trouble determining what they are. I often make a mistake, and so my comment is denied until I get it right.

I teach the third grade, dammit. I should be able to correctly identify letters on a screen.

Please, someone tell me that they too struggle with letter verification. It can't just be me, can it?

-B

Quick S.S. update

I just called my local Social Security office while my students were in Spanish. Strangely enough, I was connected to Mrs. Choy, the woman who originally figured out how much money the boys were supposed to be getting. I told her that I remembered speaking with her originally because she had been so kind and caring on the phone. (this is true, it wasn't just to suck up to her!)

She looked up my records and could not understand why S.S. reduced the payments. She still came up with the same figure that we had been getting.

"So, you can change it back?" I asked hopefully.

She giggled. "Oh, no. This is out of my hands. It goes through the national office."

"So what should I do?"

"If I were you, I would appeal. Something is wrong with what they're telling you."

So now I'm appealing. But isn't it messed up that the rep. from S.S. is telling me that the new payment is wrong, but she can't do anything about it?

Ugh!!!!!! At least she sided with me, I guess. And I didn't cry (that's big for me) or even feel like crying.

Will write more tonight. (not about S.S.)

-B

How Cool Is The Other Rebecca? (by special request from my sister)

Here are the top 10 reasons that my sister is great:

1. She and I can laugh together over the stupidest things. And we can laugh about it for years. Becca, what's the shortest song? (h) (l) (m)

2. She is the best cook and baker that I know (well, tied with my brother)

3. She is an amazing aunt to my boys, and I know that if anything ever happened to me she would raise them with never ending love.

4. She stays calm in a crisis.

5. She took off from work when Joe was in the hospital and came to Boston to be with me.

6. She is one of the biggest reasons I survived Joe's death. She stayed with me for weeks, and then came up every weekend for months even though she was also very pregnant. She was then with me for Joshua's birth and stayed with us for more than a week after he was born.

7. She threw me the best surprise party for my 30th birthday that I could have asked for, and then took me to The Four Seasons for a spa weekend.

8. She doesn't cut me any slack.

9. She doesn't judge me.

10. She is my best friend.

-B

Update On Guy

So he's away on business all of this week and next week. But he gets home on Friday night at midnight, and goes away again on Sat. at 6 PM. And he asked me if I could see him during the day Sat!

Here's the date plan. I'm picking him up at 11:30. We're going to the Gardner Museum in Boston. Then grabbing some lunch at yummy Sorrento's, and I'll drop him at the airport at 4. What a great date plan!

-B

Interesting Conversation At Lunch Today

First, I feel the need to back up and explain the whole (well, not whole but a bit of the) J thing. J is a nice guy that I dated for about 4 months beginning last April and ending in August. I enjoyed his company but never really felt any kind of spark. And he had some (how do I put this delicately?) issues in the bedroom. As in, we really never did any more than kiss.

Basically, we were more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. And he had other issues too. Like he was claustrophobic, so he couldn't even snuggle in bed.

I broke up with him on the first day of school. He was pretty upset, and we didn't speak for maybe 2 months. I was then dating my latest ex, but J decided we were meant to be together. He sent me an email stating his feelings, and I wrote back explaining all that was wrong with our relationship.

Fast forward to last week. I went to dinner with him so that he could have closure with our "relationship." He emailed me the next day saying how great dinner was, and how he was looking forward to spending a lot more time with him.

Here is the email I sent in response:

I too had a nice time last night. But J, I don't see us getting back together. I know that's what you want, and envision, but I don't. I think you're a great guy, and I would like to remain friends, because I enjoy talking to/spending time with you. But I just don't feel that romantic connection to you. I'm sorry because I know that's not what you want to hear. But I feel like I owe it to you to be honest.

He sent me back the following email:

Of course I’m not happy that you no longer have those feelings for me, I’ll always regret not doing the right things at the right time in order to make our relationship better.
But I really appreciate you being honest.  I hope you have a great trip and a great weekend!
 
Game over, right? Wrong.

A mutual friend of ours came into the Teachers' Room today at lunch and said she heard from her friends this weekend that J and I were getting back together. He's been telling his friends that we are getting back together! I am completely baffled. Isn't this odd?

-B

How Cool Is Rebecca?

Rebecca from widow group is so cool that for New Year's Eve she was in the VIP lounge of the party hosted by Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie, with music spun by DJAM. I just read all about this bash in my latest people magazine, and then Rebecca informed us at widow group tonight that she was there! Rebecca, you rock! Glad you had so much fun. What a difference a year can make in the life of a young widow. Last year we all sat around crying, and this year you were partying with the stars! RAD, I know you're rolling your eyes right now, not quite sure who these celebrities are, but trust me, this was a pretty cool party to attend.

-B

Up On My Soapbox

This whole S.S. issue (Joe's cousin told me to send her all the paperwork and someone will do the appropriate research.) has made me feel the need to urge all of you reading this to get life insurance. Especially if you have kids.

I cannot tell you how many times we almost got life insurance. The paperwork sat on the kitchen table for months, but we always put it off.

Then Joe died. And there was no life insurance. And I am screwed if I lose the S.S. money I was getting. Had we only filled out the paperwork, and paid the minimal fee, I'd be fine financially, even better than we were before.

So please, please, please (you know who you are) get yourselves some freaking life insurance. It does not matter if you are halfway done with the process, it will do you no good if your spouse dies tomorrow. Do it now.

*gracefully steps down from soapbox*

POEM

Langston Hughes

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began-
I loved my friend.

-B

Big Boy Underwear

Jacob wore them today! Well, sort of. He wore them on the outside of his pants. All day in the house. When we went out I convinced him to wear them over his diaper and under his pants.

It's a start, right?

-B

Frustrated With Social Security

I honestly think they have no idea what's going on in their office. I just got a letter today saying that they've been overpaying me for the boys, and are decreasing what I get each month by a lot. I need that money to pay for daycare so I can work and have health insurance and pay my mortgage!

The thing that gets me is I've received prob. 3 letters in the past year stating that I was underpaid and increasing what I get. Now they're taking away all the increases plus more. I will be getting far less than I started with! And there's no explanation in the letter. I have 30 days to have a lawyer contact them if I'd like to fight their decision.

So messed up.

After Joe died, while I was still pregnant with Josh, my sister (or mother?) spoke with someone from S.S. to find out about benefits for my kids. And the rep. said that Josh would be ineligible for benefits because I couldn't prove that Joe was his father. I would have to get a certified letter from Joe's parents stating that Josh was indeed Joe's son. Huh?

Anyone work for S.S. that would like to explain this nonsense to me?

-B

Home

It's 12:10 AM and I just got home. The date was great. He picked me up (despite some protests from you) and opened the car door for me all three times we got in it. (He drives a BMW SUV, by the way) We were given the most romantic table in the restaurant. It was in an alcove by the window, looking out at everyone. The food was amazing. We had sizzling shrimp, a beef dish, asparagus, portabello mushrooms, roasted peppers, and a fritatta with potatoes. We each had a glass of wine, then shared a pitcher of sangria.

Converastion was very easy, and we laughed an awful lot. There were no awkward moments.

We then went to the improv show. It was hilarious.

I'm tired so will post more tomorrow, but all in all, an amazing date.

But I will add that he wouldn't let me pay for anything, and he just emailed me and said he can't wait to see me again.

Yay!

-B

My Date Plan

Date just called, and he has actually made a real plan for tomorrow night. After a bit of discussion, I agreed to let him pick me up (Mel, don't freak out). We're going to eat at Dali http://www.dalirestaurant.com/menu-tapas.html in Somerville. It's a tapas (when he first asked if I like tapas, I thought he asked if I liked topless. Took me a few seconds to realize what he had said!) restaurant that I've always wanted to eat at, and have heard really good things about. But parking can be a little tricky there, which is partially why I would rather not drive. J, how should I get us to the restaurant from here?

The other reason I'd rather not drive, is because after dinner, we're going to Boston Improv at 10PM! It'll be a late night, but I'll try to post when I get home. I'm pretty impressed that he made such big plans for us. Hopefully the drive won't be awkward. ANd hopefully we'll really like spending time together. And hopefully I can find something to wear!!!!

I'm excited. Wish me luck!

-B

Rambling Muse

I guess I've become addicted to your blog. Tonight I haven't been able to get on it and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Everything ok?

-B

I have a date!

With a really great sounding guy. We just talked for 2 hours! Ok, we IM'd for 2 hours, but that counts, right? He and I actually have quite a bit in common. He's going a way for 2 weeks for work on Sat. So he asked me if I was free Friday night. And of course, I am! So friday night date with cute guy.

And while he's from Seattle, we discovered that his first cousin used to be one of my closest friends (in jr. high). So I asked him if he attended her bat-mitzvah, and he said of course he did. So I told him that we've already had a first date. I'm so funny, I know.

Now, what to wear?

-B

The Rambling Muse posted this on her blog in my honor. I really love it. I had to read it a few times for the full meaning to sink in. Thanks so much, RM!

Have Patience....

...Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rilke

-B

Anxious

I'm not really sure what's going on with me tonight, but I'm feeling more anxious than I have in quite some time. Maybe it's the anticipation of going back to work after so long off. Maybe it's the idea of moving to NY. Maybe it's the idea that I want to do something other than teach, but I really have no idea what that would be. I guess it's all of those things. I hate the unknown, and my future right now just seems so questionable. I would like to feel settled and happy. Does anyone feel that way? I wonder if that's an unachievable goal.

-B

I Was Wrong

We don't have school today! Yay snow days!!!!!

Where The F**k is My Book?

I need a new book to read to my students for our daily read aloud. I like to read a chapter a day after lunch and we finished our last book (Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM) before vacation. Since I taught this class last year, I am out of new books. Last night I went to Barnes and Noble and found a great book of short stories written by Avi.

I read the half the book last night and the other half this afternoon. I loved every story in the book, and could picture the look of suspense on my students' faces as I read the stories to them.

I just got home from widow group, and wanted to put the book with my purse so that I'd remember it in the morning. Aren't you proud of me?

But guess what? The book is nowhere to be found. I just spent 15 minutes searching my house, and cannot find it anywhere. WTF?????? The medium told me that Joe likes to hide things on me for fun, but I know that this type of thing happens to everyone, so I'm trying not to look to deeply into it.

But seriously, I am really annoyed right now. I'll be pissed if I have to go to school tomorrow (and by the way, there will be school, no snow day, I am sure) with no new read aloud.

Where is it?

-B

Update On Book

I found it. On the ottoman. That I had opened to look inside. It was sitting on top. I know it wasn't there before.

Slightly freaked out now.

-B

New York State of Mind

I love visiting my sister and her family in NY. We got here yesterday, and have just had a really nice time together. My sister made an amazing dinner for New Year's Eve. Here's what was on the menu:
Apps.
cheese (5 different kinds?) and crackers
homemade (ridiculously amazing) artichoke dip with french bread
assorted meats
assorted veggies

Main meal
salad
prime rib
mashed potatoes
roasted mushrooms
homemade rolls

Dessert
tropical fruit trifle

Drinks
wine
Grey Goose vodka and grapefruit juice

There were 8 adults and 6 children, but my two were asleep before everyone got here. Everyone left at around 10:30, and Becca went right to bed. I tried going to bed then too, but my brother-in-law refused to let me. Literally refused. He turned on the lights and insisted that we watch TV and talk until midnight. At 11:50 I heard my sister calling him. I said, "Thank god, go be with your wife for midnight." He turned off the lights, and TV, and headed upstairs. But unfortunately he headed right back down. My sister had a headache and needed tylenol. Lights and TV were back on.

Don't really know what to say about Dick Clark. I was drunk so I told my brother-in-law that he sounded like a drunk retard. Not words I would typically use to describe someone, but pretty accurate unfortunately. His speech was completely slurred, and the content made no sense. Even his countdown was off. Pretty sad.

When I'm here, I'm so tempted to move here. My sister really wants us to, and is always asking me to.

Reasons to move here:
1. My sister
2. My nephew
3. My brother-in-law
Those 3 reasons are really equivalent to about 10 reasons, because they are so important to our lives. It's so nice having my kids around them.


Reasons not to move here:
1. My Friends
2. My job
3. My house
4. My neighborhood
5. Joe's buried here
6. My mom
7. My daycare provider
8. My widow support group
Can't imagine leaving any of them.

Insights?

-B

5 Weird Things...

...about me (Courtesy of Slacker Mom's tag)

1. I am terrified of car washes, but go through them because I like my car to be clean.

2. I have a terrible habit of washing clothes and then never switching them to the dryer. I then have to rewash before I can dry. Sometimes this will happen 4 times before finally making it to the dryer.

3. I am terrified of driving during a snow storm.

4. I plan out what I'm going to have for dinner when I wake up in the morning.

5. I saw Dirty Dancing 10 times in the movie theatre (I was 12) and never once knew that abortion was at all in the movie.